‘Zach, you’d better go. Go home to your wife and your little girl. I think we’ve said all we need to say here. But I promise you, I’m doing okay. And Craig, he’s a good guy.’
Seconds pass before Zach speaks again and in that time he studies my face, as if he’s taking one last look at me, as if he’ll never see me again. ‘I’m glad to hear that, Josie. I just want you to be happy.’
‘Goodbye, Zach.’
I watch him walk away, and feel as though my insides are being torn apart, shredded into a thousand tiny pieces.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Mia
* * *
I don’t tell Will that Alison was standing outside our bedroom door last night – it will only add to his bad feeling about her. And I can’t just accuse her, in case I’m somehow mistaken; I don’t know what she’s up to, but I can’t trust her and I can’t let her leave before I find out why she’s really here. Instead, I will deal with it my way.
She was in Josie’s flat the night she disappeared, so there’s every chance she knows something about what happened to her. And why is she so convinced it wasn’t Zach, when the only evidence she has is a photo that’s now disappeared? The only thing I’m sure of is that Alison is hiding something, but I have no idea how I’ll find out what that is. I will just have to keep waiting and watching her. Sooner or later, if she knows something, she will slip up.
Once again Alison is awake and in the living room when I go downstairs, even though it’s not yet 6 a.m. She’s studying her phone, just as she was the last time I came down and found her here.
‘I couldn’t sleep,’ she says, before I’ve even greeted her. ‘Sorry you have to keep putting up with me being here when you come down in the morning. I just get a bit claustrophobic and can’t stay in my room too long. It’s nothing to do with your house, please don’t think that, it’s just me.’
But I barely hear her words; my mind is too busy picturing her shadow outside my bedroom door, how she must have heard Will’s heavy breathing, the words he spoke to me. This is not the first time she’s made me shudder.
If Alison knows I saw her watching us then she certainly doesn’t act like it.
‘I heard you walking around last night. You couldn’t have got much sleep at all,’ I observe.
She doesn’t flinch. ‘Yeah, sorry if I kept you up, I was a bit restless. It’s all this change, it’s thrown me off course a bit.’ She glances into the hall. ‘Has Will gone home?’
‘No, he’s still asleep.’ I keep my voice low. ‘Weekends are his only chance to have a lie-in. Anyway, before he wakes up, can we have a quick chat?’
She smiles, but it’s too forced, and when she speaks her voice is too loud. ‘Of course. Is something wrong?’
How can she ask this, when we both know that everything’s wrong? ‘No, I just wanted to let you know I’ve been looking online and have found some flats you could rent. They’re not in Ealing or Finchley, as I thought you probably didn’t want to be that close to Dominic, and it might be good to distance yourself from the past.’
She looks at me, her face blank. ‘Um, yeah, that’s probably best. I hadn’t really thought about what area I should live in. Ealing was home to me for a long time before we moved to East Finchley, and I don’t really know the rest of London that well.’ She stares at her nails. ‘But you’re right. It’s probably a good idea not to stay around here.’
‘Anyway, there are a couple of flats in Fulham and I looked at Hammersmith and Putney too. If you like any, I’ll come with you to view them. We could make some calls today. I think you’ll find at least one you like, Alison.’
She shrugs. ‘There’s no point putting it off, I suppose. Okay, can you email me the links? I know you’ll have found me some decent places to look at.’
I get straight on my phone and send her all the property information I’ve gathered, waiting to hear her phone ping with an email alert. But after a few seconds there’s nothing but silence. I stare at the phone in her hand.
‘Oh, I must have it on silent,’ she says. ‘I keep doing that by accident.’ She taps her phone a few times. ‘There, got it. Thanks. I’ll have a look in a bit.’
‘Have you heard from Dominic again?’ I ask, wondering exactly what she was doing on her phone.
‘No, not since yesterday morning. It’s a bit weird actually – his silence makes me feel even more on edge.’
‘Maybe he’s actually listening to the police and leaving you alone?’
‘Hmmm, maybe. But that’s not his style. He doesn’t like being told what to do… By anyone.’
‘But I’m sure he doesn’t want to end up in prison, Alison.’
‘No. No, he wouldn’t, would he? Even if it’s where he belongs.’
I ignore what she’s just said because it will only lead to another conversation about me helping her find proof of Dominic’s guilt. ‘Well, you should think about changing your mobile number. That reminds me, there’s another thing I wanted to talk to you about. There’s a support group that meets every Wednesday and I think it might really help you if you went along. You don’t have to book in or anything – just turn up. I’ll even come with you if you like. They’re really nice people who run it, Alison, and everyone who goes is in the same situation as you. They know what you’re going through, and they can help you, probably more than I can.’
There are tears in her eyes as she answers. ‘I doubt anyone can help me more than you, but thank you, Mia. You’re being so good to me, I really don’t know how I’ll ever be able to thank you enough.’
Her words seem so heartfelt that I want desperately to believe her. But I won’t allow myself to be misled. ‘The only thanks I want is for you to keep up the strength to stay away from Dominic. And to get your life back on track. I don’t need anything more than that.’
‘I won’t let you down,’ Alison says. She studies my face for a moment and I can tell she’s thinking carefully about what she’ll say next. ‘You’re such a selfless person, Mia. It’s not easy to always put other people first. It almost makes me ashamed of myself.’
I am struck by her choice of word. ‘Ashamed? Why?’
She hesitates for a moment. ‘Because of the way I treated Josie.’ Her eyes flick to the ceiling. ‘Don’t get me wrong, I was hardly a bully – and believe me, Josie wasn’t the type to take any shit from anyone – but I just wasn’t nice to her. Ever. And, I don’t know, maybe things would have turned out differently if I’d just been a bit kinder.’
Although I’m surprised she’s opening up like this, it’s a good sign. She’s being more talkative now and that’s bound to reveal something she might not want to, sooner or later. ‘I don’t think it would have made any difference,’ I say. ‘Josie still would have met Zach and…’
‘Like I said before, I really believed what he said to me. I’m not sure anything ever happened between them.’
I think carefully about whether to probe further but decide I’ve got nothing to lose. ‘Did you ever see them together?’
‘Mia, are you sure you want to talk about this? I thought you wanted to leave the past where it is.’
‘I do, but there are just so many gaps in the information I have, it’s helpful to have them filled in. It helps to lay things to rest.’
Alison seems to consider this carefully before answering. ‘Okay. If you’re sure. He was at the flat another time. I mean, there could have been more times, but I only saw him there once, in addition to the night that, you know… Anyway, neither of them knew I was there.’
The familiar bubble of nausea grows inside me. ‘What were they doing?’
‘Oh, nothing unusual. Just talking. But I have to admit that at the time I thought it was a bit dodgy. There weren’t many lecturers who made house calls, but then again quite a few were on friendly terms with the students. It’s a bit different when you’re all adults, isn’t it? And Zach wasn’t exactly old.’
‘Thirty-five,’ I say. But it was still
inappropriate. Josie was Zach’s student and he had a duty to keep his distance from her. Why, Zach? Why did you risk everything for this girl? I’ve spent so many sleepless nights wrestling with this question but I’ve never been able to come close to an answer. As far as I can see he had everything he could need and more. But it’s never that simple, is it? Yes, she was attractive, but Zach was above superficiality. So what was it about her he found so fascinating? This is what I need to find out from Alison, and I have limited time to do it.
‘What was she like?’ I ask. ‘I know you didn’t like her, but what kind of person was she?’
Again Alison gives me that look: the one that says she doesn’t know how much to tell me. ‘She was… strong, I guess. Nothing got to her; it was as if everything that happened just bounced straight off her. I know she’d been through a lot with her family, but it must have just made her even tougher. She was stubborn, a fighter.’ She looks at the floor. ‘All the things I wish I’d been. Still wish I was.’
I don’t answer.
‘I know what you’re thinking. Of course Zach must have been attracted to her when she was such a strong person, and beautiful too.’
‘I… I don’t know what I’m thinking.’ I stand up and walk to the window, turning my back on Alison, doing all I can, other than leaving the room, to avoid picturing the girl my husband fell for.
‘But she was also deeply flawed,’ Alison continues. ‘She drank like a fish and despite fooling the world into thinking she was okay with her hideous mother, it must have torn her apart inside.’
I turn round again. ‘Alison, what do you think happened to her?’
She sighs. ‘I wish I knew. I know she must be dead but I don’t think it was your husband, I really don’t. Surely you believe that? You knew him better than anyone.’
But how well do we ever know anyone? ‘Sometimes we just can’t see what people are truly capable of, Alison.’
‘So what do you think happened then?’
I’ve had a long time to think about this. ‘I think Zach got caught up in something and regretted it in the end. Maybe Josie was threatening to tell me and he… he lost control. He realised what he was about to lose.’
‘That’s possible. But it doesn’t explain the photo of Josie on Dominic’s computer. I’m telling you, Mia, he did something to her. I know it.’ She begins chewing her nail, something I’ve never noticed her doing before. ‘I need to go back to the house. When he’s not there. To check his computer again.’
There are so many reasons why this is a terrible idea, but I know before I speak it will be hard to convince her not to do it. ‘You can’t, Alison. It’s too risky. He knows you’ve been to the police now, so if he finds you there imagine how he might react. Also, think about this: he could claim that you put the photo there and then the police will start looking at you. And isn’t that the main reason you’ve not come forward about being in the flat that night?’
She stares at me and I swell up with guilt. I don’t mean to frighten her, but she needs to stay away from that man and I’ve got to do what I can to help her do that.
‘I could never have hurt Josie,’ she says, but her words are flat. ‘You believe me, don’t you?’
But do I? I don’t know what she is or isn’t capable of, even though I intend to find out. ‘Alison, all that matters right now is keeping you safe and finding you somewhere to live.’
‘You think I’m lying about Zach, don’t you? That’s why you’re not desperate to pursue anything. You just don’t believe a word I’m saying!’ She’s raising her voice now, loud enough to wake Will.
‘Please keep your voice down – I don’t want Will dragged into this.’ I lower my voice so that hopefully she’ll do the same. And then I find myself explaining once again why I need firm evidence before I will allow myself to get my hopes up. But it seems she will never understand that I’ve spent too long believing Zach was guilty, that I’ve come to terms with it, that it will only be self-destructive to believe otherwise, unless there is proof. ‘It will be the police who find it, if there ever is anything to find, Alison. Not us.’
She stares at me for so long I feel as if her eyes are burning into me. Even though none of this should be a shock to her when I’ve said it all before. Then finally she responds. ‘I suppose it’s the counsellor in you that makes you feel this way,’ she says. ‘You’re not reacting with your heart, are you? You’re just letting your brain dictate how you feel.’
I force myself to remain calm – Alison is extremely troubled, so I can’t tip her over the edge. ‘You’re probably right. But my priorities are Freya and Will, and they come before anything else. I’m not going to do anything that could hurt them.’
‘Hurt who?’ Will’s voice echoes into the room as he appears in the doorway.
‘We were just talking about my partner… Dominic. Sorry if we woke you,’ says Alison, jumping in before I’ve even formed an excuse to offer him.
‘I did hear voices, but don’t worry, I needed to get up anyway.’ His wink assures me that he couldn’t have heard what we were talking about. ‘I’m starving. Have you both had breakfast?’
Alison shakes her head. ‘It’s too early for me.’
‘No, I won’t yet,’ I say. ‘I’ve got some paperwork I want to catch up on first.’
Will frowns but doesn’t question me, and when he heads off to the kitchen I turn to Alison. ‘Promise me you won’t go to your house?’
She nods. ‘He’ll be at home today. He never leaves the house on Saturdays, all he does is sit in front of the football.’
‘Just stay here and relax. You could sit outside in the back garden and have some peace. Have a look at those flats I sent you and we can go and see some this afternoon.’
‘Okay,’ she says, already flicking through her phone. ‘Hope you have a productive morning.’
* * *
Will comes to find me in my office before lunch. I’ve been so engrossed in my work that I don’t realise how hungry I am until he places a sandwich on my desk. ‘I know you didn’t have breakfast so thought you might need this,’ he says. ‘And don’t worry, I even offered to make Alison one, but she refused it. She’s just sitting in the garden. Don’t say I didn’t try.’
‘Is she okay? What’s she been doing all morning?’
‘Reading in the sun every time I’ve checked. She seems… relaxed? It’s hard to believe she’s an abused woman.’
‘I know. But I’ve seen the bruises, and they were definitely real.’
‘Hmmm. Well, I guess we all have different ways of dealing with things. Look, I’m trying to make an effort with her – but the truth is, I just don’t trust her. I don’t know what it is but there’s something about her that… I don’t know, I can’t even explain it.’
‘Will, I do know what you mean. It’s like she plans what she’s saying too carefully, as if she’s scared she’ll trip herself up.’
‘Yes! That’s exactly it.’
‘But I’ve got to help her.’
He lets out a heavy sigh. ‘I know that. I just don’t like you being here alone with her, and I have to pop out for a bit, get some things done. Will you be okay?’
I assure him I will and let him know we’ll be flat hunting this afternoon.
‘Good. Well, I’ll be back this evening. I’m not leaving you alone with her all night.’
I grab his hand. ‘Thank you. Even though I can take care of myself.’
‘I know you can,’ he says. ‘But do you know what? It’s not a bad thing to let other people help you once in a while, Mia.’
Once Will’s gone, I try to organise my thoughts. I need a plan for what to do about Alison. If I’m ever to find out what she’s really doing in my house, and in my life, then I need to take drastic action.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Josie
* * *
Craig and I sit in his bedroom, huddled under his duvet because it’s so cold in here. I’m wearing my coat t
oo, but he doesn’t seem to be offended.
‘Bloody heating,’ he says, putting his arm around me. ‘It takes forever to kick in. Sorry.’
But he has nothing to apologise for; I would much rather be here in his flat, no matter how cold it is, than at home, wondering what Alison will say or do next. Nobody has ever put me on edge like she does, not even Johnny. It’s the silent people you have to watch out for – not the mouthy, full-of-shit people like Johnny and Richard.
Craig’s parents have just left. His mum cooked us the nicest home-cooked meal I’ve ever had, and despite my initial reservations, I actually enjoyed myself.
‘You were right about your parents,’ I tell him, burying myself further into the crook of his arm. ‘They actually are cool. I had a lot of fun this afternoon.’
‘Mum loved you, I could tell. Dad too. And that’s a first because they’ve never liked any girls I’ve introduced them to before. Seriously. Never.’
‘Oh well, there’s still plenty of time for them to hate me.’ I’m only half-joking.
Craig pulls me round to face him and kisses me, and for once I give in and let him. I’m so used to pushing people away at this point but I don’t want to do that now. I want to make a go of it with him. But the further we go, the harder I find it to focus. My head is all over the place and I’m everywhere except present with Craig.
He stops and pulls back. ‘Are you okay, Josie? Is something wrong?’
I tell him I’m fine and force myself to kiss him harder, more urgently, to prove that I’m okay. To feel something. But with my eyes closed, it’s Zach I see, Zach I want to be with, Zach my whole body aches for.
I freeze up and push Craig away.
‘I’m sorry, I can’t do this. I have to go. I’m sorry.’
‘Why? Josie, what’s wrong? Have I done something?’
Silent Lies: A gripping psychological thriller Page 21