by K. T Fisher
A week later.....
It's Tuesday, the night before our girly shopping trip and the whole gang is round Sam and Jessica's house. Sadly Sophie couldn't make it because she had to attend a work event with Reece, her boyfriend. The guys are diving into there food like they haven't eaten in days and Finley keeps asking about the chocolate cake afterwards. Were all having a great family meal until Tanya lets slip that she wants a vibrator. I immediately drop my knife and fork to cover Finley's little innocent ears and stare hers daggers from across the table. The guys are all shaking there heads but Mark actually looks disgusted. Everyone is looking straight at Tanya, well apart from Finley, he is still eating. Mark decides to talk first.
"Why the hell would you want one of those things?"
Tanya looks at him like his crazy for asking such a question. To be honest I'm with Tanya there, why would you need to ask that? It's kind of obvious why she would want one.
"Erm Mark, isn't that obvious?"
Now James looks at her with the same expression as Mark. Honestly why are we having this conversation at the dinner table. I still have my hands over Finley's ears but his oblivious to anything happening.
"It's not the real thing, surly it doesn't feel the same. Get a man and do it with the real thing."
All the girls including me all gasp at James. I can't believe he just said that.
"Every girl should have one to be honest."
Everyone stops to gawp at Maisy and she just shrugs her shoulders. OMG Maisy has a vibrator! She around the table at each of our stunned faces.
"What? A girl has needs and with a vibrator there's no relationship crap."
The silence is filled with mine, Tanya and Jessica's laughter until Finley asks everyone a question I was dreading.
"Whats a vibrator?"
Oh no. He heard! Everyone looks at each other in a panic and then they all look to me. Oh shit what do I say, this is one of those important parenting moments.
"Ermmm....It's a toy that auntie Tanya really wants for her birthday but we can't say that word again or she won't get her birthday wish."
I hear Jessica snicker under her breath beside me.
"She sure wants that birthday wish."
I smile at her remark and thankfully Finley seems to take that excuse and demands his cake from his auntie Jess. All the men put there cutlery down and agree with Finley. While were all moaning over how delicious Jessica's heavenly double chocolate fudge cake is Maisy asks the guys what they have been up to lately. All three of them shift in there chairs a little, looking a little nervous. All of us girls take notice and stop eating and look at the guys suspiciously. Finley is happily digging into his cake although there's more cake around his mouth than in his mouth. James shrugs his shoulders like his bored and answers for all three of them.
"Just the usual boring stuff."
Us girls all exchange looks, there hiding something. So I ask,
"And that would be?"
His eyes shoot up to meet mine and I think that I see guilt as he looks at me but why would James be feeling guilty? Somethings up, Tanya can see it to and she narrows her eyes at the guys.
"Come on guys, what is it? We don't keep anything from each other."
Jessica's slowly nodding looking straight at Sam but Sam has his head down on his bowl. The guys then all look to each other and it looks like Sam has the unfortunate responsibility of spilling the details. Weirdly he looks directly at me and he has that same guilty sad look in his eyes as James did.
"Look we just went to the new casino opening that's just outside Chelsea."
OK, well that's not so bad. Not bad at all so why the sad looks and secrecy?
"So what happened? You loose our allot of money or something? Whats with you guys?"
Sam looks to Jessica and even I can see the begging in his eyes. Jessica obviously doesn't see what I see because she puts her spoon down and looks straight at him.
"Samuel Mathews, your all acting weird. Tell me right now or so help me."
He bows his head and takes a big breath. Mark and James take a quick nervous glance at me. What is with these guys? Is this how it's going to be every time we all get together at Sam and Jessica's? A weird atmosphere and secrets? There making me feel nervous and why are they looking at me again? Finley is still oblivious to all this and is taking advantage as he grabs my bowl of cake and helps himself to seconds. I see him set is eyes on Maisys bowl for next. I need to make sure that doesn't happen. I hear Jessica raise her voice.
"Sam!"
He snaps his head up and looks up to the ceiling.
"OK fine. But just so you know, we did want to tell you but we didn't know how."
All three men look at me as Sam carries on talking. What is happening here?
"We did go to the casino opening. We were there for a couple of hours when we bumped into Max and Leo."
Oh shit. I think my heart just stopped beating. I feel sick. I feel every ones eyes on me but I'm looking at Finley. I hear Jessica's quiet voice.
"As in Decoys Leo and Max? Jax's band mates?"
I snap my head up to look at her. Why would she ask such a stupid question?
"Who else would it be Jess?"
All eyes jump from Jessica to me again. I don't know what to do. I shouldn't have snapped. I tell Finley to go and play outside with Sam and Jessica's puppy. He happily agrees and runs out to the back garden. As soon as he is outside I look up at the guys.
"So it's true. They really are back?"
My voice comes out as a whisper, Marks the only one who nods
"Looks that way babe, we spoke for a while and left."
Tanya grabs my hand from under the table and squeezes.
"What did they have to say?"
"Just hi, they said they have a place about twenty minutes away from town."
He goes quiet and scratches the back of his head. A nervous gesture of his.
"They said they share the place with Jax."
Bomb dropped. My stomach wants to reject the food I have just enjoyed. Jax shares a place with Leo and Max? The same guys who would shag any woman who offered? I bet they have women over all the time. See, Kendal who? Jax is happy without me, I did do him a favor running from him.
"Who Jax mummy?"
Finley's sweet little voice interrupts my panic. His stood at the back door, chocolate all over his face. I try and smile and force back the tears.
"Mummy's old friend sweetheart. Come on it's time to go home."
"But I don't want to mummy"
He says in his whinny tone, bottom lip pouting. Jessica stands behind my chair and whispers in my ear.
"He can stay with us tonight if you want?"
I appreciate the offer but the truth is I feel like I need Finley with me to help me function at the minute.
"No I need him with me. I just need to go Jess."
I stand and I'm about to get my bag from the hallway when Sam comes and stands in front of me.
"Kendal let me drive you home."
He gestures for Finley to come to us and I growl in a low voice so the people around me can hear.
"For god sake will you all stop babying me!"
They all lower there gazes except for Mark who looks at me with those eyes full of pity. Maisy takes Finley from Sam and goes back outside. Sam gathers me in his warm welcoming arms. I resist at first but then I give in and hold onto him tight, he rests his chin on the top of my head.
"Were not babying you Kendal. You and Finley are family and were just trying to look after you. I just couldn't tell you and upset you like that."
Tears finally escape and I welcome them because this all hurts so fucking much. Everything is getting too much. It's true, there back. It's only a matter of time until he sees me and then he will find out about Finley. His going to be so angry, I need to tell him first but how? When? Why have I gotten myself into such a fucking mess?
"I did this for Jax, I went away for him Sam so he could have his drea
m. His going to be so angry."
"We know babe but I don't think he could be angry at you. He loved you, he will understand."
"No he won't, I'm so scared Sam. Everything's so fucked up."
He holds me tighter and I see Mark step closer.
"I can walk you home Kendal. I don't want you driving home like that."
I see Tanya roll her eyes. Sam hands me over to Mark and he smooths my sticky wet hair off my face from all the tears. I dread to think what Sam's top looks like.
"Come on I'll take you home."
I shake my head, I open my mouth to speak but he cuts me off before I'm able to.
"I'm not letting you drive home on your own Kendal. If you don't want to walk I'm driving. I drove James over, he can follow us in my car."
I watch Finley playing outside, he seems happy enough. I'm not harming him keeping Jax from him am I? I thought that that was the right thing to do. But as Finley is getting a little older there's moments when I feel Jax should be here. He has asked if he has a daddy, I told him he has but he lives far away. He took that fine and carried on.
"Should I tell Jax? I want to but Finley's happy isn't he? What if Jax doesn't want to be apart of his life? Or his so angry with me? Did you get Max and Leo's address or number?"
Mark lets go of me and frown down at me, Jessica stands by him and wears the same frown.
"You know that Jax will never resent him Kendal. I can't believe you would think that. I've said this from the beginning, he never would have. He needs his dad, being with Sam, James and Mark is fine and yes he loves them but there not his dad. He needs Jax Kendal, he might be angry with you but he can't be forever. You have to understand what you did."
She gives me a hug and I know what she's saying is true. Mark shakes his head.
"No we didn't get anything from them Kendal."
Why does he look a little angry at me? If they had gotten there numbers I could have asked for Jax's number. Doesn't he get that? I hate that they all think bad of me, I'm a terrible person. What person lies to the father of there child. Jax wakes up everyday not knowing he has this beautiful boy as his son. I can't believe what I have done. I wonder if Jax would be where he is now if he did know about Finley. Could he still have lived his dream and be a father? I guess we will never know now.
Jessica lets me go and Finley runs into the kitchen, clean face now. Mark won't let it go so I just give in and let him drive me home, even though it's only around the corner. I say goodbye to everyone and hold Finley's hand to the car while Mark sulks behind me. Honestly what is his problem? Not even five minutes later Mark pulls up in front of my house and opens my door for me and then Finley. He hugs me goodbye and looks a little awkward as he says goodbye. He gives me a little kiss on my cheek and gets into his car with James. As soon as we get inside we go straight upstairs and I get Finley ready for bed. It's getting late and I suddenly feel tired. I finish reading Finley his bedtime story and set it back on his shelf.
"Mummy?"
I smooth down his messy hair.
"Yes honey?"
"Who is Jax?"
My hand pauses on his hair and I bite my lip. Bleddy hell, what do I tell him?
"You remember when mummmy said your daddy lives far away?"
He nods his head and I get myself together. I have to tell him, I won't lie anymore.
"Well, Jax is your daddy baby."
I see him take this in and he yawns.
"Did he make you cry?"
Jesus why does my son have to so observant?
"No honey he didn't make me cry, I cried because I missed him."
Yes thats seems that a good enough reason and it also feels like it's true too.
"You miss daddy?"
I gulp. I didn't think I would be talking about this for a long while yet.
"Yes I miss your daddy Finley. Maybe we will see him again."
He nods at me with a big smile and his eyes roll and his lids look heavy. I stroke his hair and his breathing slows and evens out. I remove my hand and sit and stare at my beautiful baby lying asleep. His such a good little boy, caring for me like that. It's scary how much he pays attention to, I will have to be careful from now on when Finley is near. While I'm looking at him I decide there and then I know I have to tell Jax. Finley does need his dad and I can't hide the fact that I feel like I need him too. Yes I have the help from my friends and my parents more than enough but I suppose it's a different kind of help when you have the father of your child with you there helping. I'm scared to see him though, I know I still love him. What will happen if I do see him? Will he still be the same man he was when I knew him? Has fame and money changed him? I wouldn't be surprised, being a rock and roll sex symbol would do that to a guy. I lay down next to Finley of his bed and cuddle up to him and whisper so I don't wake him up.
"I will try and fix the baby I promise."
I kiss him on his head and snuggle in closer.
*~*~*
A beeping sound makes me jump. It's now darker in Finley's room, his beside me snoring quietly. I must have fallen asleep with him. I sit up and quietly exit Finley's room. I get my phone out my jean pocket and I see I have a text.
TANYA: I love u honey, hope ur ok. Dont think about skipping our shopping trip tomorrow, I think u need it. B at mine at 10 xxx
Yes I think I do really need this shopping trip tomorrow. Some retail therapy is definitely needed.
Chapter 5
I wake up in my usual manor this morning. Yes Finley is jumping on my bed shouting at me to wake up. I hope his not going to carry this on as he gets older because it will only get worse. He makes me move this much when his three and a half never mind in another three years.
"Yay! Your awake mummy!"
Like I had a choice to stay asleep through the bouncing. I roll out of bed and groan, I feel so tired today but today is shopping day. And the way Tanya is all hyped up I know I can't cancel. I chuck my dressing gown on and walk with Finley downstairs. As soon as we hit the bottom of the stairs he makes his demands. I'm pretty surprised, usually it's as soon as I stand.
"Juice and toast mummy."
"Magic word Finley."
I decided that if his going to keep up with these demands then at least he can ask nicely.
"Juice and toast mummy pleeease."
"Good boy."
The rest of the morning goes by nice and smooth. No tantrums or accidents, Finley didn't even take long deciding what he wanted to wear today. After I give Finley a kiss and say goodbye I drive to Tanya's house, she told us to be there at ten but it won't matter if I'm early. I look down at my outfit and make sure Finley didn't get any ceriel on my clothes. I'm in my super skinny high wasted jeans in a light blue colour, my white blouse is tucked in loosely to the high waistband of my jeans. I have my red wedges on so I have my red handbag to match. It's a sunny day so I have my big sunglasses on and my hair in a high messy bun. despite what happened at dinner last night I'm feeling OK. I think that little talk with Finley really helped and getting in his bed for a cuddle. I have however told everyone I don't really want to talk about it and Sophie doesn't know so nobody can bring it up in front of her. I will have to tell her soon though. I pull up outside Tanya's apartment and buzz her door number on the intercom
"Hello?"
"Tan it's me."
"Eager beaver. Come on up."
She buzzes me up and I walk through the apartment lobby and to the elevator. Tanya lives in a very nice small block of modern apartments. There's five floors and Tanya lives at the top. Before I can knock on her door she pulls it open, she's looking her usual gorgeous self. Her shiny blonde hair pulled in a slick ponytail, she's wearing purple jeans and a pain white vest top. She's barefoot at the minute, that's because it's a strict rule at Tanya's place. No shoes, so as I shut the door behind me I slip off my wedges.
"So you'r early."
We walk down her bright hallway barefoot on her light wooden floor.
"Yea I came s
traight from school."
"No prob, you wana cuppa?"
"Please, I haven't had one yet."
She giggles and starts making out teas. I sit down at her stylish breakfast bar. While the kettle is boiling she bends over and rests her elbows on the bar right in front of me and quirks her eyebrow up at me.
"How you feeling?"
"Erm no I said no talking about that."