For a few songs, we remain silent listening to Gage pouring his heart out with every lyric. The audience sings along with him. Women scream how much they love him. I chuckle because they’ve got no idea who he is or what it means to love Gage Rodin. I don’t think I do either, but I’m willing to find out. At the end of a song, he sets his electric guitar on a pedestal and walks toward me.
“This is for you, Turtle,” he says, taking his guitar from me.
“How’s it going San Antonio?”
The loud crowd responds.
“This is a new song,” he says, looking toward me. “I hope you like it.”
The lyrics are soft and emotional.
All I was searching for was me
And I found myself in you
I always belonged to you
But I had no idea how to stay with you
Our love’s the dangerous kind
Our love’s one of a kind
I’ll cross the oceans and travel to the stars
I’ll travel anywhere to be by your side
My heart beats fast and hard. I missed this so much. We didn’t do it often when we were together, but I loved coming to his concerts, having him dedicate a new song to me. Every time he did it, I fell deeper and deeper in love with him.
His voice goes lower when he sings the last lyrics.
We aren’t there yet. Every day we get a little closer. We’re no longer stuck in the past. Let me love you hard, let’s break each other into infinite pieces and love ourselves back together for the rest of our lives.
Fifty-Four
Gage
When the song ends, the public claps and asks for an encore. I signal the guys and we play one more song before I leave the stage. One of the roadies comes to meet me and tries to take the guitar I hold.
“Sorry. No one touches this one, but thanks for your help.”
I rush toward Tess whose eyes are tearing up. Her father stands right next to her giving me the same glare he’s had for me since he first discovered we were dating.
“Hey, you,” I greet her.
“That was amazing,” she confesses.
A guy approaches us. He hands me the bouquet of flowers just in time. It’s made up of blue hyacinths, pink roses, and lily of the valley flowers. According to Hannah, they symbolize: I’m sorry and I love you. Sadie called a friend of hers here in San Antonio so I could have it in time.
“I was wondering if you’d do me the honor of going out on a date?”
She stares at the flowers and her chin trembles. “A date?”
I nod. “The car’s waiting for us.”
As we walk closer to the town car, the uneasiness in my stomach increases. This is worse than the first time I asked her out. Life was so much easier back then. I now understand what she meant last April when she said, I miss that life where I only had to go to school and I had a boyfriend who was always there for me.
We didn’t have many responsibilities. My life only revolved around her and my career. Tossing around names for our children and ideas of where we’d live when we were older was easy. Nothing about growing up is easy. Every decision we make has a bigger significance than we realize. She’s right about one thing—I hadn’t moved on from the past. A part of me always hoped that when Keane came back, I could erase the years Tess and I missed and pick up with our lives.
“Where are we going?”
“I was thinking Sonoma.”
“Sonoma,” she repeats. “Why would you want to go there?”
“It’s not a want, more like a need. We need to close the chapter and move on to the next stage.”
“You’re not making sense, Rodin.”
She presses her lips against mine giving me a teasing kiss. “Yet you seem sober,” she confirms.
I take her hand and feather kisses along her knuckles. “I wasn’t as drunk as your dad thought. Sonoma sounds like the best place to go today. Everything has aligned.”
“What do you mean by everything? Like the stars and the planets,” she says. “Did you hit your head?”
“It’s been almost nine years since you walked into the bar and stole my heart.”
“Are you calling me a thief, Rodin?” She moves closer to me and leans her head on my chest. “Sounds like a great story. Tell me more.”
“You’re definitely a criminal. You showed me a fake ID and wanted me to be your accomplice by serving you a drink.”
She chuckles. “God, you make it sound so shady. I bet you did the same when you were underage.”
“Never. I had friends buying me drinks.” I winked at her.
“As I was explaining. You just came back from Reykjavik and this time I thought to myself, let’s make it right. I’ll pick you up—without your family—and do what I planned.”
“I thought you said you moved on.”
“I did. Have I told you that I met this woman a few months ago?”
Tess freezes, her eyes are on me. “You didn’t. I thought none of those dates worked out. That’s good.” She gives me a sad smile.
“It’s fucking awesome, actually.” I brush her lips with my mouth and take her into my arms.
“She’s a doctor,” I continue. “We exchange messages almost every day. She lives in San Diego but travels all year round. She tells me about her work. I tell her about mine. Before I go to sleep I think of her, and when I wake up, I send her a message just to know that she’s there. Though, I’ll be honest, I don’t like having a long-distance relationship—we’re not kids anymore. I hate that I have to pretend I don’t love her. This love I feel for her is big, I can’t contain it anymore.
“I’m sorry,” I apologize. “For everything that I put you through. Let me make it up to you. Give me the next eternity to mend our broken hearts.”
“Gage,” she sobs.
I tug her close, lift her chin and crash my lips against hers. Our kiss carries the same hunger we’ve had for each other, but this kiss is also a way to erase the bitter taste that our separation caused. We kiss hard, bruising each other’s lips and don’t stop until we arrive at the airport.
* * *
Tess
We kissed the whole plane ride and only stopped when we made it to Sonoma. We arrived at the Bed & Breakfast a few hours later. There’s a tray with sandwiches and fruit in our room. It’s the same room we stayed in when Gage drove me to San Diego the first time. There are also flowers decorating the entire room: blue hyacinths, pink roses, and lily of the valley flowers, just like the bouquet he gave me. There’s a card in one of them. Curious, I open the little envelope and laugh when I see the note.
Give him a chance.
-Mom
“I love you,” he says when he closes the door. “I didn’t stop loving you, but during the past months I fell in love with you again.”
“I’m in love with you too,” I confess, meeting him in the middle of the room.
When I take a breath, I can do it easily again. He’s my air. Not having him close suffocates me. A part of me withered because I couldn’t touch him, feel him against my skin while I slept.
He gives me that mischievous, boyish smile and bends down on one knee.
“You told me once that happiness and dreams aren’t the same. There are many ways to be happy in life. Achieving your dreams can be one of them. Every time I think about my happiness, my goals, or my future—I think about you. It’s always you. I want you to be part of my life like you’re part of my heart. I want an extraordinary life, by your side. I’ve learned I can live without you, but I don’t want to ever do that again. I love you because of who you are, but also for who I am when I am with you.
“Tess Hades, be part of my life. Let me be part of your dreams.”
He opens a red box and asks, “Turtle, will you be my wife?”
His dark green eyes shine, I feel a tear slipping down my cheek. “Yes, I’d love to be your wife,” I say, in between sobs. “I love you so much.”
Epilogue
Gage
The day after I proposed to Tess and we embarked on our way back to Seattle, we realized that we were homeless. Our options until we found a house were the tiny house in her parents property, next to the pool where her grandfather lived or the studio in San Diego. It took us only a week to find a house we both loved. It’s close to our families but also far away enough to ignore them when we need our own space. While we closed on the house, we lived in San Diego. Tess refused to live in a hotel, and I didn’t fit in the tiny house. Literally, I didn’t fit in the bed.
Jojo loves that we live close by and when Keane needs help babysitting her, she chooses to go to our house instead of going to Grandma’s.
Life is ever-changing, just like love, and Tess makes me want to enjoy them no matter how often they shift.
“Hey, there,” Tess greets me when I enter the house. “Are we done for the night?”
“Yes. Everything is tied up on my end. How about yours?”
“Oh, God,” Hannah rolls her eyes. “You two make it sound creepy and weird. Yes, everything is set for the honeymoon. Woohoo.”
“Why is she here again?” I stare at my future sister-in-law.
“We’re finalizing the seating chart. Mom received a few RSVPs this morning,” Tess explains.
“How are you feeling?” I kiss Tess’s temple and rest my hand on her belly.
“Okay,” she sighs. “It’s been a long day. Your son’s sucking my soul.”
“It’s a girl,” I correct her. “My little girl.”
“The Rodin girls are sweethearts. This little one is a demon,” she insists. “I love him just as much as I love his father though.”
A couple of weeks ago we found out Tess is pregnant. We’re elated. Only her mom and sister know because she’s been sick for the past couple of weeks. This wasn’t part of our plan, but we’re over the moon and anxious to meet our little baby.
“She’s going to kick like a rock star,” I say.
“It does run in his family.” Tess grins.
My One Regret
Sadie
I don't think I'll ever understand why she tried to take her own life. And I worry about what’s going to happen to her. She needs help but who’ll be around to give it to her?
Sadly, I’m not part of her life. Not anymore.
I twist my engagement ring as I wait for Kade to arrive.
We need to talk, said his text.
I hold my breath, hugging my stomach. This can’t be happening. Just this morning, we talked about looking for a bigger home. We booked the honeymoon. Two months visiting the most beautiful gardens in the world with the man of my dreams.
The sound of the apartment door closing makes my heart beat faster. He’s here. I take my ring off. A one-carat solitaire diamond he gave me almost a year ago. I set it on top of the nightstand and look around our room. His apartment, not mine. Everything belongs to him; I only brought a few things when he asked me to move in.
“Sade?” His voice is loud, his tone neutral.
“In the room,” I croak. “How is she?”
I look up, as he enters. My eyes study him from top to bottom. It’s been a hard day. I’m not expecting his charming grin or his seductive smirk. But I can’t stand that his mouth remains in an uncharacteristically grim line.
Now that the end is coming, I feel numb. My heart beats, but my chest is hollow.
“Hey,” he mumbles.
He runs a hand through his dark, longish hair. It’s messy, covering half of his rugged face. His jaw, overshadowed by two days’ worth of stubble is set into a scowl. Those silver eyes search around the area avoiding mine. I hate his rigid posture. My hands itch to reach out and comfort him. He’s going through hell. This is as bad as what happened to his sister…or worse.
He’s blaming himself. Does he blame me too?
My heart hurts for him and his daughter. Nothing I can say or do will make it better.
“Recovering.” His husky melodic voice is calm yet distant.
His eyes find mine. The storm inside them makes them look dark, yet they are still so clear. Everything in his expression screams rejection.
It’s over.
I lower my gaze, staring at my freshly painted toenails. Just earlier I was getting a mani-pedi with his daughters, Hannah and Tess. For the first time, I believed that things were going to settle with them. They had finally accepted me.
“Is there anything I can do?” I stupidly offer, knowing that they don’t want me around, nor do they want my help.
The air thickens, almost choking me as I wait for him to end this. My eyes still see, but the walls are closing in, and everything is getting dark. Breathe, breathe. You need to be strong.
I try hard, but my mind is shutting down. Maybe it’s just the shock of today’s events. From the best news in the world to … everything shifts, crumbles. I’m not sure what to expect next. The only thing I know is that I kept pouring out love, hoping that one day it would be enough.
But it’s over.
My heart knows it; we’re done. The journey ends here before it even began. I watch his boots move away from me and then back again. He does it several times until they stop right in front of me. My eyes travel over his long legs, all the way up until they meet his face.
“Thank you for leaving before things got out of control,” he states.
Out of control is an understatement. Alicia, his ex-wife, lost her shit and was blaming me for something I didn’t do. I didn’t kill Tess. Your daughter isn’t dead. Tess hates the idea of me so much that she … my lungs collapse, and I hold my tears back. It hurts that we almost lost her. But I don’t have the right to cry, because she’s not mine.
Three years of loving her, caring for her as if she were my own doesn’t count. I’m still nobody. This entire situation wrecked my heart with endless emotions: sadness, pain, guilt, rage. I drop my head because the guilt weighs more than anything else.
Kade almost lost his daughter the same way he lost his sister.
My heart hurts for him, for Tess, and a little for Alicia. A parent should never have to face this kind of pain. I lift my hand to take his, but he takes a couple of steps backward. My lungs deflate when I see the void in his eyes.
No, please don’t do it. We’re a family. We should talk this through, fix it. Don’t leave us.
“I care about you,” he begins. It’s such a cliché.
No, I want you to say, you love me.
Last night he said it before I fell asleep tucked between his arms.
You woke me up with the same words, insisting that you couldn’t wait for the day you could call me your wife. Mrs. Hades. You can’t just toss away a three-year relationship.
I can’t lose my best friend, my lover, my soulmate. I feel as if my heart is being ripped away from my chest.
“My children are my life. My reason to exist. Their wellbeing matters more to me than anything in the world.”
More than me, I finish what he can’t say.
I want to scream at him. Yell until I turn purple, until he understands that I matter too. That I’m worthy of his love, that we can work this out as a family. But can we really? There’s no use in fighting it. His children will never accept me. His ex will always poison them against me.
“The last thing I want is to hurt you or leave you. But I don’t see any other solution. I have to protect them, even from you.”
Does Alicia know how much he sacrifices for their two children? Do they?
Not many fathers put their children first. Mine isn’t like him. I recall the multiple times I had to endure my father’s wife, or my mother’s boy toy. My parents always put them before me. This moment, what he’s doing—choosing his daughters over me—makes me fall in love with him all over again. My heart bleeds for our love, but is happy knowing his daughters have a fantastic father who loves them more than anything.
“I love them.”
“And I appreciate that you were nice to them, but this can
’t continue. Hope you understand,” Kade says.
Since I met him, he’s never talked to me like this. As if I were a total stranger invading his space. Overnight, I’ve become no one to Kaden Hades. My heart explodes inside my chest, the pieces becoming dust, disappearing as the wind blows through the room. I count my breaths, reminding myself that I’m a strong woman.
From the beginning, I was aware that this was just a fantasy. A love like the one I shared with him can only last for so long before it changes. Growing up, I learned that nothing is permanent. Why did I believe that this time it’d be different?
Composing myself, I smile at him. “It’ll take me a couple of days to pack my things.” I breathe a few times, finding some strength left inside me before my legs and my body give up. “Tonight, I’ll take the essentials, let me know when the best time is for me to come by and pack the rest. Plus, I have to find a new place.”
“Fuck,” he exhales, his broad shoulders slump. Kaden’s breaking apart. If only he’d let me be there for him, but he doesn’t want me here.
“Sadie…” his voice trails away.
My body jolts when I hear a smashing sound. His fist connecting with the wall.
“I’m hurting you, after I swore I’d never do it…” He runs a hand through his dark hair, taking several breaths. “I’m sorry for breaking my promise.”
“Don’t be.” I brush him away heading to the closet while searching for my luggage. “This is one of the reasons why I love you, Kade. You hang the moon and the stars for them.”
I bite back the rest of my thought. Words that might convince him that this could work, that we could try to defy the odds. But maybe I’d just be postponing the end for a few more days or weeks. Alicia was right.
He has a family, you’re just an intruder passing through.
She won, not that anyone won after what just happened. Everyone lost a piece of themselves, and it’ll take time for us to recover. Focusing on the task of packing, I try to remain quiet. But suddenly, I feel sick to my stomach and run to the bathroom.
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