by Lily Zante
“You wouldn’t change your mind the minute we got there and switch it to some car-chasing, bullet-pounding, fist-fighting, testosterone-loaded film instead?” Like he’d done before on one of their earlier dates. They’d decided on a thriller that might appeal to them both, since he wouldn’t entertain the idea of watching a girl’s chick flick. But when they’d arrived at the cinema, he’d pulled that big, puppy-eyed look of his and asked if she’d mind watching the new Vin Diesel film instead. So they’d ended up doing that. It wasn’t so bad either, once she got into it—plenty of action and adventure and a bit of a love interest.
He stopped walking and pulled her to his chest. “But if you’d rather not, and if you’re home alone, I could see you home and visit your place, make this a night of two firsts.”
“You’d come over?”
“Sure, why not? You’re always saying it isn’t far. And I’ll apologize to that friend of yours.”
The idea appealed. He’d take her home, and she’d get to go home early. She searched his face. He appeared to be trying and she couldn’t turn him down now, after always trying to get him to come to her place. Not now that he was up for it.
“I’m not in the mood for a movie,” she answered. And the decision was made.
“Nice place,” he exclaimed, looking around the large open-plan kitchen dining room. “This is so cool.” She smiled, because this had also been the exact same reaction she and Heather had had when Diana had first shown them around.
She took him around, because he insisted on seeing the rest of it. It was so much bigger and nicer than where he currently rented. When he saw her bedroom, which was nearly three times the size of his, he was blown away. “What the—?” he exclaimed. His voice oozed pure envy as he walked around, examining her private space.
“Nice bed,” he commented, looking over at her mischievously. He walked over to her then and grabbed her hand. It didn’t look as though he was leaving anytime soon. She’d assumed he would walk her to the door, stay a short while and then leave. He was so regimental about his own timetable, she hadn’t expected him to hang around. She’d assumed his seeing her home was his way of making it up to her. “What about your run?” she reminded him.
“Screw the run.” he said hoarsely, leaning in to kiss her. She hadn’t factored in his male urges. By now, with his little kisses and endearments along the way, she’d come around to forgiving him.
He pulled away and sat on her bed. “Come here,” he said, patting down the space beside him. She giggled, but scooted over anyway, and barely had time to land her butt on the bed before he pulled her over so that they were both lying on their side. He kissed her hard, one hand furiously exploring her back, while his other pulled out her blouse. He was a great kisser, and she felt his urgency like a live wire igniting deeply buried desire in her. She ran her hands along his back, feeling his hard muscles, and a primal part of her responded in kind.
“This is a no photo zone.” She pulled her lips away from his and warned him, holding up a finger against his mouth which threatened to devour her.
“Okay,” he breathed, and plundered her with his lips again.
“Hey,” she said, and struggled to come up for air. “How about we slow down?” Making out was fine, but she wasn’t in the mood for full-blown sex right now. “Grab something to eat,” she added, seeing him looking at her hungrily.
“This is a much better way of burning calories.” His hot breath licked her face, before his lips came gnashing down. He slipped his hand lower and lifted her skirt.
“Matt.” She raised her voice, as her chest tightened with his touch.
“You know you want it.” He tipped her back until she was flat against the mattress and pinned her down with his strong body. His hips were raised and ready, an inch from hers, and his dark eyes stared down at her. He bent down and claimed her mouth again. She struggled to free her legs, but he had her trapped now that he’d moved on top of her.
White-hot anger knotted in her stomach and fear crawled slowly up her throat. He held both her hands together with one of his, raised above her head, while his tongue dipped inside her mouth, violating her. She angled her hips, tried to hit him where it hurt with her hip. Tried, and failed. She thrashed her neck as much as she could from side to side.
Surprised, he stopped, lifted his head. “What?”
“I don’t want this,” she whispered, in a voice that didn’t sound like hers.
“Yeah, you do.” His free hand crawled up her thigh and his fingers flirted with the crotch of her panties. She was as dry as toast.
“Yeah, baby, you do want it,” he moaned hungrily, before dipping his finger inside her.
“No,” she yelled. Her voice sounded low and weak when inside she was screaming at full volume.
She wriggled to kick him hard, but had never felt so powerless to move. He could do whatever he wanted and nobody would know. The thought flashed before her to give in, that maybe on some deep level she did want it, had given him the signals that she did. After all, she’d been lying on the bed with him long enough, making out.
If he’d been gentler with her, let her lead, she’d have gotten into the mood.
But forcing her as he had…
No, she did not want this. Leaden chains clanked around her, squeezing out the air in her lungs. She spluttered with fear, her heart pumping, beating louder and constricting her lungs until she gasped for air. “Please, no.” She thought she screamed them out but the words died in mid-air.
He kept his finger inside her, shifted his greedy face down to her chest, then, unable to open her buttons, he grazed his lips against her neck.
“Stop it,” she hissed. “Stop it.” Panic scratched her throat as the words fell on deaf ears. She tried to hit him with her shoulder, failed. Tried to hit him with her hip, failed. Tried to bring up her knee, couldn’t.
“Melissa? Are you back?” In the faint distance the sound of footsteps on the solid oak flooring announced Heather’s return. Matt stopped mid-motion, slipped his hand away from her panties and looked down at her with hooded eyes, his face blood red. The chains that choked her lungs slowly came undone. She gasped for air, her mind battling to make sense of what he had nearly done.
Taking her chance she slid her hands out of his weakening grasp. He rolled off her, and she escaped the bed.
With shaky legs she backed away from him. Inside, her body felt hollow, as if there were nothing under the skin, not even blood or bone.
“Great timing.” She heard him mutter while he zipped up his trousers.
He wouldn’t have stopped.
“You’d have carried on, wouldn’t you?” She moved away, her insides churning like stew on a slow cooker. She tried to breathe evenly—but she felt queasy and weak.
“Mel,” he said, moving towards her. A line creased as his eyebrows drew closer together. “You wanted it too. Don’t say you didn’t.” He reached out and put his hand to her face, but she backed away.
“No means no.”
He looked at her, totally shocked. “You think I’d have forced myself on you?”
“You did force yourself.”
“We were fooling around.”
“You were fooling around. I told you to stop.”
“But you’re always a bit cold in the beginning, until I get your juices going.” The smile that snaked across his face filled her with disgust.
“You’re sick.”
“No, baby, that’s how you are—until you get all hot and wet and then you get so—”
Footsteps sounded immediately outside her door. “Mel?”
“Just a minute.”
He put his shoes back on and gave her a remorseful look. “I can’t believe you thought I’d do anything to hurt you.”
She had her hand on the door knob. “I think it’s better you leave.”
“Don’t worry, I’m going.” He slanted her a puzzled look as he passed her by. She followed after him into the hallway.
> “Mel?” Heather stepped out from the kitchen, her eyes trained on Matt, whom she regarded with a steely look. Her puzzled face met Melissa’s gaze as if to ask what-the-hell-is-he-doing-here?
“I’m leaving,” he remarked casually as he grabbed his coat.
Heather disappeared into the living room while Melissa walked to the door. Making sure he left.
As he stepped out he turned and looked at her. “We were just fooling around, you know that. Come on, Mel. I don’t want you to think I’m capable of doing stuff like that.”
She had no words for him, and she didn’t yet want to think about what might have happened if Heather hadn’t returned.
“Go.”
He tried to reach out to her face but she ducked out of the way. “I’d never hurt you.”
You already did.
“Just go.” Her voice was monotone, her insides a shattered mess.
“I’ll see you tomorrow?” For a moment she thought she heard the faint cry of desperation in his parting words, and she let that desperation fester. Without saying a word, she shut the door.
And wondered what to tell Heather.
Chapter 10
She retreated to the silence and safety of her room, not ready to face Heather yet.
Lying down, Melissa curled up like a discarded tissue and let the familiar roll of unease spread over her. If Heather hadn’t turned up when she had, what then? She closed her eyes, as though shutting out the light would pour darkness over the event.
Heather knocked and before Melissa had summoned up the energy to reply, she’d entered.
“What’s wrong?” She came over to the bed where Melissa lay. “What’s wrong, Mel?” She sat down, her concerned eyes narrowed.
Melissa forced herself to a sitting position, more to play a part than anything. Confusion scattered her emotions. Maybe she was making a big deal out of nothing? Maybe she’d asked for it? After all, they’d been kissing wildly; why else would she end up on the bed? And in her own room too.
She’d led him on. She wiped her hands across her face and drew her knees against her chest.
“How come he ended up here?” Heather wanted to know.
“He apologized for the way he behaved. Wanted to make it up to me.”
“Is he always so controlling?”
Melissa’s head jerked up sharply. “Why do you say that?”
Heather picked up a magazine that lay by the bedside. “You haven’t noticed or are you choosing to ignore it?” Her friend idly flicked through the pages.
Melissa neatly avoided answering the question that had bugged her like an insect bite for weeks. “I admit he was a bit of a jerk earlier—”
“A bit?”
Melissa closed her eyes a second too long. “Okay, he was a total idiot. He apologized to me and he wanted to apologize to you, but you weren’t around.”
“He saw me while he was leaving. If he wanted to apologize to me he could have said something.”
Melissa felt her face burn at the memory of what he’d done to her. Of all that Heather did not know.
“Who cares, anyway? It’s not me he needed to say sorry to. It’s you. He treats you like shit. Can’t you see it?”
Melissa stared at the magazine in her friend’s hands. She couldn’t defend the guy. She was only now discovering his other side, and she didn’t like what she found.
“He’s seems set on changing you. All that bullshit about how he’s making you perfect. And since when do you read this?” She shoved the latest copy of Vogue at her.
Melissa looked at the glossy magazine. “Is that a crime?” she asked, suddenly defensive.
“No, but you used to laugh at me because I wanted to know what Kim Kardashian’s latest fashion faux-pas was. That stuff never interested you. You always had your nose in some goddamn shape shifter romance.”
“And because I’m now reading something light, you think it’s his doing?”
Heather jumped to her feet. “If it isn’t, then what about the skim milk you’re having all of a sudden? And the diet articles I see you reading? And this sudden interest in working out? It used to be that you couldn’t get out of bed to get to work and all of a sudden you’re at the gym by eight?”
“Seven,” Melissa corrected her.
Heather glared at her. “That’s exactly my point.”
Melissa glared back. “You don’t like me reading fashion mags, you don’t like that I’m getting healthy and eating right, and now you hate the fact that I’m getting fitter too. Why—are you scared I might take some of the attention away from you?”
The pained look on Heather’s face told her the accusation smarted. Melissa was the one who’d stood by patiently blending into the wallpaper whenever they went out while Heather lapped up all the attention. Melissa had been by her side but invisible—or at least that was how she’d felt. But she’d never minded it much because she didn’t like having all that attention to herself.
All of a sudden Melissa wasn’t sure whether her friend was worried about her controlling boyfriend or whether she was jealous.
“Are you kidding me?” Heather asked quietly. They faced each other in a deadly lockdown. “You’ve changed. You can’t see the wood for the trees anymore.” She threw down the magazine and slammed the door behind her.
Chapter 11
After a miserable night that had her tossing on the edges of battered sleep, Melissa set off for work early the next day—at the time she would have left if she was going to meet Matt at the gym.
Except this morning she had no intentions of going anywhere near the gym. Or meeting him.
Pinned down on the bed, his hand in her panties. She clutched the strap of her bag tighter, irritation gnawing at her insides as she relived the images, on continuous play inside her head. The taste of bitterness in her mouth made her nauseous.
“Hey.”
She stopped short of the coffee shop and stared straight into soft eyes. He’d come. Her insides did a backwards somersault and at the same time a feeling of relief, of lightness, of something comforting warmed her all over.
“Hi,” she replied, wishing she could hide. She knew she looked like death warmed over and as much as her fluttering stomach indicated her excitement at seeing him, she would have preferred to have been better prepared.
“You’re early,” he stated, as though this was normal, as though they’d arranged to meet.
It’s early for you, she thought.
If she was being honest with herself, then she would admit that a part of her had unconsciously sought him out. Now, as he stood in front of her, in the flesh, she wished she’d used extra under-eye concealer and done a “Heather” with her makeup.
He would notice something was up. But she’d learned to hide and disguise, and she could easily put on a performance once more.
“So are you.” She offered him a smile, at the same time wondering what he was doing here at this hour. She was used to running into him closer to eight once she’d finished at the gym. For a quick second, her thoughts briefly flashed to Matt at the gym, and, just as quickly, she pushed the image right out of her mind, like a splinter needing quick removal.
“You’re not noting down my times are you?” he asked, not breaking the eye contact.
“No.” She released a laugh at the suggestion. Not on paper, she thought, and took in his appearance. He looked smarter than usual and she wondered what the reason behind that might be. Wondered whether he might be meeting someone after work.
“It’s good to see you.”
It is? She analyzed his words, dared to imagine that he meant them rather than said them for the sake of making polite conversation.
“We must stop meeting like this,” she said. And then regretted her words instantly. “I mean, in the line, or outside, like now.”
“Shall we go inside?”
“It would make sense, wouldn’t it?” She giggled, her heart starting to pound as she felt a spark of happiness. He moved a
side to let her pass first. She stepped briskly inside the coffee shop and welcomed the rush of warmth that wrapped her up like a blanket.
Inside it was uncharacteristically calm and empty. There was no line and only two tables were occupied. Melissa turned to him as they stood politely in line. He smiled back and then she saw his gaze shift to the empty tables.
She’d come early today because she’d wanted to spend time alone, thinking things through—away from Heather at home and away from the confines of work where Matt threatened to appear at any time and where she knew she’d be so busy she’d barely have time to sit, let alone sit and do nothing.
But with this guy here those plans vanished. The appeal of talking to him was greater and her initial plans were discarded as easily as a silk scarf.
But how could she get him to stay without sounding desperate? She placed her order and on the spur of the moment she added the words ‘To have here” and hoped that would do it.
“Not ‘to go’ today?” He looked at her in a way that made it hard for her to look away.
“It’s quiet. I need quiet today.” But in so carefully explaining her reasoning she had unwittingly told him that she wanted to be alone.
“Oh,” he looked crestfallen. “I could have stayed a while, but if you want to be alone—” He paused and she could feel his hesitation as much as she could sense her own. She couldn’t tell for sure, but she had a hunch that maybe he wanted to sit and talk too. His pause gave her reason to think that he found circumnavigating these waters as tricky as she did.
I did want to be alone, but not anymore.
Did he look forward to seeing her? Were his days made brighter because he’d run into her at the start of his morning? She never knew, and that was half the excitement and the frustration of it all.
It was also her release from the murky thoughts that she often found herself in, when things with Matt caused her pain.
“Then stay a while, why don’t you?” she suggested, pushing her hair behind her ears, as a dizzying feeling, not unlike the slow, heady trek up a rollercoaster ride, made her a little light-headed. She waited for his answer.