He knew what he had to do. Taking a pen and some paper out of his desk drawer, he attempted to write some of his thoughts down. Though everything in him said to walk away, give up, move on, and let go, something wouldn’t let him until that one last thing was done. His pen scratched over the paper as he filled the space inside him with words. Words of apology. Words of truth. Words of promise. Words of love. The words tumbled out, linking him to her just as they always had, yet this time in reverse. He knew that once he said what he needed to say, that would be all. Or it wouldn’t. He prayed she would make the choice he had waited for most of his life.
w
They looked like any other family as they stood in line to be seated at the restaurant in Calabash. Lindsey told the kids to stop climbing on the gate outside, reminded them to be patient when they asked how much longer it would be, and made polite conversation with Grant. To a casual observer, there was nothing amiss. But a casual observer could not see into her heart or discern the roiling emotions that churned within her. She smiled, she chatted, she scolded. But she didn’t relax.
As irony would have it, Grant chose the same restaurant she and Campbell had been to just the night before, a new place that did less greasy fried fish and more upscale menu items. She eyed their table with longing, wanting to rewind the clock and be sitting there with Campbell again, safe in her not knowing what she knew now. As her family made their way to the table, Anna caught her eye, a question on her face: Is this real? Lindsey pretended not to see it.
When they sat down, Jake slid up next to Grant, his eyes taking in his father’s every move. He looked like a puppy, wiggly and eager to please. He clearly adored his dad, and the joy on his face was unmistakable. Lindsey couldn’t pretend not to notice that. “Are you guys having a great vacation?” Grant asked after the server had taken their drink orders and walked away.
Anna and Jake nodded and blew their straw wrappers at each other. “No spit wads,” Lindsey warned Jake. He rolled his eyes and dropped the wadded-up wrapper.
Grant smiled at her. You’re such a good mother, his eyes said. She felt nauseous.
“What was the best part?” he asked, trying to draw them out, make the kids trust him, create a happy family experience that would sway Lindsey. “The boogie boarding? The sand castles?”
“We didn’t make any sand castles because you weren’t there,” Anna said. She put her elbows on the table and propped her chin on her hands, leveling him with a glare.
Inside Lindsey cheered her daughter on.
“Well, maybe we should do that tomorrow,” Grant offered, clearing his throat.
Jake piped up, “I know what the best part was, Daddy.”
“What?” Grant tousled his hair.
“When you came,” he said.
Grant caught Lindsey’s eye and she looked away, but not before he saw the look on her face, one that surely revealed that she was struggling and that he could use it to his advantage.
w
She heard the beeping when they walked in the house. She had plugged her cell phone in to recharge after she tried to call Holly earlier that day but had found the phone dead. She followed the beeping sound back to her bedroom where the phone rested on her dresser. She wondered when she would have a moment of privacy to call Holly. She had so much to tell her.
She picked up the phone, expecting to see Holly’s number on the missed call log. Instead she saw five missed calls from her uncle. She felt panic rise in her throat. What if he was calling to tell her they had to leave? It was his house after all. With her heart racing, she selected his number, hit Send, and hollered at Anna and Jake to quiet down as they chased each other down the hall outside her room. She closed her door and sat down on the bed.
Her uncle answered on the first ring. “Lindsey?”
“Uncle Bob, I saw I had some missed calls from you. Is everything okay?” She knew the unsteadiness of her voice was giving away her panic.
“Lindsey, I’ve been calling you about your mother,” he said.
She was ashamed at the mixture of feelings that flooded her. She knew it must be bad news if he was calling, yet she felt relief wash over her that he was not going to tell her she had to leave. “What happened?” she asked.
“It seems she’s had a heart attack. She’s not doing too well. She needs surgery and …” he paused. “She’s been asking for you. I told her I would do my best to get in touch with you.”
“Oh,” she said, pathetically. She glanced around the room, a million thoughts pinging around in her mind.
“I know you are on vacation, and I know you’re alone with the kids—”
“No,” she said, “Grant’s actually here.” The minute it was out of her mouth she regretted saying it. No sense alerting her family, such as it was, to a new development that may or may not mean anything.
“Well, uh, that’s nice,” he said.
“I mean,” she offered, “he’s here seeing the kids.” She exhaled, hoping she had thrown him off thinking that she and Grant were reconciling. Were they reconciling? She shook her head and tried to focus on the conversation.
“I’m sure that’s good. For the children,” he added.
“Mmm-hmm,” she said.
“Would you please call your mother?” he asked, his words coming in a rush. “I know things haven’t been exactly good for you two, but she’s not doing very well. She’s going into surgery, and she’s awfully weak. There are—” he searched for the right words—“things she wants to say to you.”
Lindsey nodded. “Sure, Uncle Bob, I’ll call my mom.”
“It’s too late to call her tonight, but it would be good if you called first thing in the morning, before her surgery.”
She wrote down the number on the back of her hand with a pen she kept in her nightstand. After they hung up, she stared at the ink that marred her skin, remembering her mother telling her not to write on her hand, that it would give her ink poisoning. She remembered being surprised by how maternal that advice had been. Then, as now, her mother surprised her. She willed herself to cry over her mother, but no tears came. Instead she checked on Grant and the children before selecting another number. She had never needed to talk to her best friend so badly.
When Holly picked up, she skipped the pleasantries. “You can stop praying now for this trip to be memorable or whatever it was you said you were going to pray for!”
“What?” Holly laughed. In the background at Holly’s house she could hear a Baby Einstein video and Josie’s little giggles.
“Let me just cut to the chase,” Lindsey began as she fell onto her bed and kicked off her shoes. “Just this week I have run into Campbell, gone on a date with him, discovered he’s kept all the letters I’ve ever written to the Kindred Spirit, and best of all, Grant showed up today.” She paused. “And apparently, he wants to try again. Oh and … to top it off, I just found out my mother has had a heart attack. And she’s asking to talk to me.”
“Wait a minute. What? Can you say all that again? I don’t think I heard that right,” Holly said. Lindsey heard a door close and the background noise faded. “Okay, I gave Rick the baby and I am outside on the porch so I can focus. Seriously, say it again and say it slower this time, please!”
Lindsey smiled. “Ohhhkaaay. I will say it slooower,” she joked, thankful for the moment of lightness.
“Look, don’t make fun. My life is about strained carrots and diapers, not old love affairs and two men chasing me. Two men, Linds! Seriously, two men!”
Lindsey laughed. She knew her friend well. “Okay, I will be serious now. Because I really need your help. First, I went on a date with Campbell. Remember him?”
Holly snorted. “Duh.”
“Well, it turns out he’s divorced from Ellie and he’s still living here. His daughter, Nikki, is seventeen. And sh
e’s here too. She has anorexia and it’s—well—it’s a long story, but he’s just the way I remembered and we had this amazing time and things were going so well and—”
“Remember how we’re going slow?” Holly interrupted. “You’re speeding up again.”
“Sorry. So, then yesterday I went by his house and was going to leave him a note and just, you know, thank him for the date.”
“Aka, stalk him.”
“You say tomayto, I say tomahto,” Lindsey said.
“So what happened when you went to his house? He has your letters? What do you mean?”
“He has my letters. The ones I’ve been putting in the mailbox for years? You know—”
“Yeah, of course I know, but how did he end up with your letters?”
“Well, that’s the question of the day,” Lindsey said, stretching her legs up into the air and back down again. “I didn’t get to find out, because when I got back from his house, Grant was here. Campbell came by this afternoon, but I sent him away. To be honest, I wasn’t ready to talk to him. I feel completely betrayed.”
“Again,” Holly quipped. She heard Holly blow a bubble and then pop it. Holly was a serial gum chewer. “So what are you going to do?”
“I was hoping you’d tell me.”
“I’m afraid you’re in uncharted waters here, girl.”
“Gee, thanks, Holl. I didn’t know that already.”
“I’d say I’d come down there, but I would bring a screaming, teething infant with me, and I’m not sure that’s what you need right now.”
She could hear Anna and Jake wrestling with Grant in the den. “Yeah, we have our share of screaming here already,” she said.
“I guess the kids are thrilled Grant’s around,” Holly said.
“Of course. They’re ready for him to move back in tonight.”
“Any idea why he picked now to come back?”
“No. Of course I did ask him to come, if you remember.”
“What’s the old saying, ‘Be careful what you wish for’?” Holly teased.
“Don’t remind me.”
“Well, Linds, maybe you should first get to the bottom of why he’s really there. And, Lindsey, would you do me a favor?”
“Of course,” she replied.
“Don’t let Grant come back just for your kids.”
Lindsey thought of the way Jake looked at Grant at dinner, the flash of longing she saw in Anna’s eyes as they got back in the car afterward. She would reconcile with Grant if it would make her kids happy, if she could have a guarantee that the family she wanted waited on the other side of this mess. “That’s easier said than done,” she said. “My kids mean the world to me. How could I take their father away from them if he’s willing?”
“It’s about more than being willing. I don’t want to see you sell yourself short.” Holly giggled and her voice took on a different quality, one Lindsey hadn’t heard since they were teens. “So—I have to know—what does Campbell look like now?”
Lindsey lowered her voice. “As good as he always did,” she said.
“Ah, too bad. If he was fat and balding, this might be much easier on you.” She could hear Holly’s lips part into a smile. “Let me pray for you before I go. Okay?”
“Definitely. I need prayer right now. A lot of it,” Lindsey quipped. “Just no more prayers for eventful weeks at the beach.”
Across the miles, connected by technology, the two friends closed their eyes and bowed their heads as Holly prayed for Lindsey, just as she had so many times throughout their friendship. Even years ago when Lindsey refused to believe that prayer worked. She knew different now. She listened as Holly prayed for God to give Lindsey clarity in what she should do and for Lindsey to be able to see both Grant and Campbell for who they were.
After Holly said “Amen,” Lindsey said, “If I didn’t know better I would think that you’re pulling for Campbell.”
“I’m pulling for you,” Holly answered. “I want you to be happy. And I want you to know that you are precious and either one of them would be lucky to have you. Okay?”
Lindsey laughed. “Okay. Thanks, Holl. I love you.”
“Love you too. And I can’t wait to hear what happens,” Holly said.
“Me either,” Lindsey said and laughed in spite of herself. “You’ll be the first to know.”
“I’m going to hold you to that. Remember your boring old friend stuck in housewife world. I need some vicarious excitement.”
“Glad to provide it,” Lindsey said, rolling her eyes even though Holly couldn’t see her. “And, Holly?”
“Yeah?”
Lindsey could hear Baby Einstein as Holly went back inside her house. “Boring sounds good to me right about now.”
“You know I wouldn’t trade my life for the world,” Holly said. “I’m just trying to make you feel better!”
Lindsey giggled as she said good-bye and closed her phone, then took a deep breath and went to join Grant and the children. They needed a referee for their wrestling match. Just like old times.
Chapter 32
Sunset Beach
Summer 2004
Early that morning Lindsey slipped from her bed and carried her cell phone past Grant, who was snoring on the couch with his feet propped up on the arm and his arms splayed over his head awkwardly. It had been a year since she had seen him asleep. He looked like a stranger. She opened the door to the screened-in porch without a sound and took a seat in one of the peeling wicker chairs. The ink on her hand was smudged from sleep, but she could still make out the number as she pressed it into her phone. Her mother’s voice was soft and weak as she answered, far from the commanding tone Lindsey remembered.
“Hi, Mom,” she said feeling incredibly unsure of herself. “Uh, how are you? Uncle Bob said I should call early before they take you to surgery.”
“I’m glad to hear your voice,” her mom answered, her voice faint and breathy. “I told Bob to try and find you. He said you were with your family at the beach.”
“Yes, we’re here at Sunset.” She tried to sound positive. “It’s my twentieth year here.” An image flashed in her mind as she spoke: her mom in the apartment parking lot, waving good-bye without a trace of sadness, her smile radiant. “Do you remember when I came here that first year? I was so mad at you for making me come. Now I guess I should thank you.”
“I wanted you to have some time with a real family,” her mother said. “My brother could give you what I could not.”
Lindsey pulled the phone away from her ear and stared at it for a moment. Had that admission just come from her mother? She put the phone back to her ear. “Mom,” she said, “I always thought—”
“That I didn’t want you?” her mom finished.
She grimaced. “Yeah.”
“I know. That was my fault. I could never admit the things I failed at.” She sighed, her breath ragged. “I never knew how to tell you how I felt. So I let you edge me out of your life. I deserved it. It was me who first alienated you. All these years …” her voice trailed off.
Lindsey felt exactly like the time she got hit in the stomach by a basketball in gym class. She caught her breath. “Mom.” She stopped, her eyes panning the water, searching for words. “I never—” She laughed. “I don’t know what to say,” she said.
“Say you’ll come see me. After my surgery. I always thought that I had plenty of time to get back in touch with you. But I know now that none of us know how much time we have. I’d like the time I have left to include my daughter.”
A tear leaked from the corner of Lindsey’s eye as she nodded her head. “Yes. Of course we’ll come. I’d love for you to see Anna and Jake.”
“I’d like that very much,” her mother said. “I have some lost time to make up for.
What I’d like more than anything is to get to know you, and my grandchildren.” Lindsey heard a voice in the background. “Oh,” her mother said, “they’re coming to get me prepped for the surgery. I need to hang up now.”
Her mother sounded very old, so far from the young woman who flitted around their apartment in her bra and high heels. Lindsey rested her forehead on her palm, letting her tears flow. With every ounce of courage she said, “Make sure Uncle Bob calls me after the surgery. And … I’ll be praying for you.”
Her mom was quiet for a moment. “Thank you. I will,” she said politely before hanging up. Lindsey closed the phone and turned to find Grant standing on the porch.
“What’s going on?” he asked, putting his hand on her shoulder.
She shrugged her shoulders. “That was my mom.”
“Your mom?”
“Yeah,” she said. “This trip just keeps getting weirder.” The corners of her mouth turned up slightly. She felt the heaviness of Grant’s hand weighing on her.
“Why’d you call her?” Grant was still confused. She hadn’t told him last night about her uncle’s call.
“She had a heart attack. My uncle called and told me. She asked to speak to me before she went into surgery.” She paused, feeling a slight breeze blow through the porch. She inhaled the sweet sea air and silently thanked God that she was at the beach. She realized that the beach had become a constant in her life, just as she’d always considered Holly. Now she wondered about her mother—could she trust her mother’s words? Were they too good to be true? The only constant she had ever known from her mother was inconsistency. Lindsey looked at Grant, sure that he could see her fragility. “She wants me and the kids to come see her.”
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