by R. J. Lewis
I heard laughter behind James, no doubt coming from his gallant buds.
I pushed the bill off my assignment and resumed writing. My anger simmered, but I bit down on my violent urge to stick the tip of my pencil in his eye.
“Was wondering how we should do this exchange?” he went on. “Does five cover kisses and… handy activities? And how much more might involve that sweet mouth of yours?”
“Fuck off, James,” Rome growled out.
“Not talking to you, asshole,” James retorted. “And you talk back at me one more time and I’ll have my boys take care of that fucking mouth of yours.”
I looked up from my assignment and shot Rome a look, warning him not to egg these bastards on. The last thing I needed was for his face to be painted in bruises. I slowly shook my head at him, and he glowered back, knowing damn well I was right.
“So how about it?” James asked me, and I could hear the smirk in those words.
This was not where I thought my afternoon would be going. I looked pitifully at my assignment. I’d get maybe a B - B+ if I was lucky handing it in the way it was. Because of James, my A streak was going to be broken.
Motherfucking James.
“Not gonna answer?” he pressed. “Or do you use your body to do that too?”
I took a deep breath and finally stood up.
James chuckled in surprise and took a step back as I turned to him. I took hold of the bill and stared down at it for a moment before I looked back up at him. The asshole wasn’t all that taller than me, and he wasn’t all that meaty either. I glanced from his head down to this shoes, and took a step closer to him.
He stood his ground, his eyes growing a little wider, like he thought he had me. Nearing him until I was close to being flushed against the length of him, I trailed my finger down his torso slowly, smiling flirtatiously at him. He didn’t expect that, and the lust that suddenly stirred in the depths of his eyes was laughable. When my hand reached his jeans, I quickly grabbed his balls with my hand and squeezed.
I squeezed hard. Harder than anything I’d ever squeezed before.
Leaning into him as he shrieked suddenly from the move, I waved the bill in front of his face and told him, “You must think I’m trying to charge by the inch, in which case I think you’ve overpaid.”
I threw the bill in his face and let go of him. He crumbled to the ground, grabbing at his junk and wheezing. His friends laughed down at him, their hands over their mouths like they were trying to stifle their sounds.
“You’re a fucking dead bitch!” he screamed up at me, silencing the cafeteria. “Dead, Leah! I know where you live, you little trailer trash slut!”
I tried to stand my ground. Tried my absolute hardest not to show him I was shaking from adrenaline this confrontation had stirred. I turned away and went to grab my notebook when I heard him howling again. I whipped my face in his direction and gasped at Carter bent over him, grabbing a fistful of his hair.
“What did you just call her?” he growled. “Did you just threaten her life, you stupid piece of shit? I’m going to fucking kill you now, motherfucker!”
The ass kicking James received after that would roam the hallways for over a year. It would keep every guy that ever thought of humiliating me away in fear of the same fate. Carter beat him to the ground, drawing blood, looking like a homicidal maniac. All the while, he ordered James to apologize to me, and James did.
Dozens of times.
I remember just standing there, watching every moment unfold, as the students around us screamed or laughed or ran in search of a teacher. I was horrified yet I couldn’t look away. Even Rome was trying to pull me away, telling me repeatedly to leave the cafeteria. I shook him off, and was rooted there, watching until the very last second.
Carter got five good minutes in before three teachers descended upon him and tore him off of James. They dragged him out of the cafeteria, and I would later be called down to the office to discuss what had gone on with a very baffled Principal. I told the Principal everything, and he was dismayed by our actions.
I didn’t get into trouble, but Carter was suspended for two weeks.
Honestly, I don’t know how he didn’t get expelled.
*
Russell had received a phone call from the school about the incident, and the second I stepped foot inside the trailer, he lost it with me. My body seized up as he came bounding to me, that stark look of anger on his face.
“You think you can just assault someone because they hurt your fucking feelings?!” he shouted, grabbing me roughly by the arm and leading me to the bedroom. “Do you have any fucking idea what could have been at risk?! They could be suspicious of us, Leah! They might send people around just to make sure you’re not learning this shit from somebody at home! How the fuck could you be so selfish?”
He shoved me inside and I landed on my single bed. I sat up and looked away from him as he paced the small space, his hands on his hips.
“It’s that fucking kid again, isn’t he?” he went on, pointing to the window. “You don’t fucking think I know you spend every minute with him? You think I’m unaware of your sneaking out of here when you think I’m passed out? I’m not a fucking idiot, Leah!”
I didn’t say a word. I stared down at the floor and tried to breathe calmly. He was frightening when he got angry. It was like waiting for thunder during a storm; you knew it was coming, you knew it would make you jump, but you couldn’t know when it was going to erupt.
That was Russell in a nutshell. He was angry, and he exploded at random moments, causing you to jump and clench your chest as your heart raced inside of it. My anxiety was through the roof and an apology was at the tip of my tongue, but I couldn’t push it out.
I didn’t regret standing up to James. I wasn’t going to apologize for grabbing his balls. He deserved to have them ripped out if it had been up to me. I couldn’t lie to Russell right now and tell him I wouldn’t do it again. I’d do it a thousand times if I had to.
“You learning that violence from him?” he questioned, but I had no time to answer because he was a freight train, moving through the conversation without waiting for a response. “He’s a fucking nobody! A kid with mommy issues and a piece of shit father that can’t even control his own son!”
The second he started talking trash about Carter, I felt my body go rigid. My anger returned and I glared up at him.
“You’re the last person to preach about parenting!” I shouted back so suddenly, I hadn’t even thought of saying it.
He went still, his face looking down at me with pure disbelief. I sat, rattled and afraid. He took a quick step to me and it happened too fast to see it coming. He backhanded me across the face and my head thrashed to the left. My brain felt like it’d been shaken, and the muscle along the left side of my neck was sore. My cheek stung badly, and I had to blink back tears.
“How’s that for parenting?” he growled out. “You’re done with that boy. I ever see you around him, and that hit will be hell of a lot worse!”
He left the room and slammed the door shut.
I stretched open my mouth, trying to work my jaw. The hit felt like it’d stunned my entire head and I didn’t know what was working and what wasn’t.
I’d never been struck before by Russell, and I realized I wasn’t so immune to his punishments after all.
Still, I didn’t regret anything.
Not even a minute later and he had turned his aggression on Cheryl. I heard her cries and I closed my eyes and covered my ears to muffle it out.
*
The first day of Carter’s suspension came after a weekend. I was walking to the bus stop early morning and found him there, sitting on the bench, looking down at his hands. While my heart did its usual squeeze, I frowned. I hadn’t spoken to him since the incident. In fact, I was purposely dodging him. It wasn’t just because of Russell.
He looked up as I neared, and immediately his flat face turned serious as he haughtily said, “You haven’t been at
my window, Leah.”
I stopped beside him, not bothering to sit down even though there was enough space to fill two more people. I just shrugged and neared the bus sign, looking out into the streets.
“Why are you mad at me?” he demanded suddenly. “I haven’t done anything wrong.”
“Why are you here?” I returned with instead. “You’re suspended from school.”
“Who says I’m going to school?”
I looked over my shoulder and at his sudden mischievous grin. “Where are you going?”
“How about you skip class and come see?”
“I don’t want to.”
He stood up and walked to me. I looked back at the street and hoped to see a bus come bounding down it ASAP. I felt his front against my back, and I swallowed hard. It wasn’t fair he could make me feel like this. I’d turn it off if I could. I wished I could look at him like I looked at all the other guys.
“What is it?” he asked, worriedly. “Tell me, Leah. Please.”
I moved away from him, trying to gain distance so I could think straight. “It’s nothing.”
“It’s not nothing,” he pressed. “Just tell me what the hell is wrong! You haven’t said a word to me since I fucking tore that dick to pieces for you –”
“I never asked you to do that!” I cut in angrily, facing him.
His face fell. “What the hell? Are you angry I helped you?”
“You didn’t help me!”
“Like hell I didn’t! He was threatening your life –”
“I’ve been threatened with a lot worse than my life, Carter, and I’ve managed just fine!”
His nose flared, and his mouth twisted as he retorted, “Stop dealing with these pricks on your own! You’re a fucking girl, and these are guys trying to bring you down!”
“Then let them try. I’m tough. I can handle it on my own, and I had without you bursting into the scene and getting suspended for it! Now I look even weaker! Like I need help over my own issues –”
“There’s nothing wrong with needing help,” he cut in, stepping closer to me. I could feel the anger rolling off of him. “You stood up for yourself, I get it. You brought him to his knees after you grabbed at his balls, and I admire that. Really, I do, Leah, but fuck, you can’t expect that to have scared them away. They would have come at you harder later on! I’ve seen it happen. It fucking kills me when they treat you like that.” His voice broke at the end, and he looked at me with his walls down, letting me see his pain.
I blinked hard, feeling moisture in my eyes. What the hell was wrong with me? Was I seriously on the verge of tears? No, no, that couldn’t be right. Yet the lump in my throat, hard and round and impossible to swallow away, told me that I really was fighting back tears.
“I just don’t want to burden you with my crap,” I whispered, because talking louder would have given away my emotion.
“You expect me to just watch?” he whispered back in shock. “Fuck no, Leah. I’m not going to be like fucking Rome, sitting there because I was told to shut up. No way. I’m not going to watch someone I care about get bullied like that. You’ll never convince me otherwise, so you’re just going to have to deal with it.”
I stared at him for a long moment, taking in that look of conviction.
“You don’t have to do that,” I said, feeling a tear fall. “You really don’t, Carter.”
He moved closer to me then and wiped the tear with his thumb. His blue eyes shined with emotion as he quietly replied, “Yeah, I do.”
I took the hand he used to wipe my tear and held it tight. Whatever connection we had at that point only grew stronger. He pulled me in for a hug and I shut my eyes, face against his chest, breathing all of him in.
“It’ll be alright,” he reassured me. “I won’t let anything happen to you. They’ll all die before they set a finger on you again.”
When he pulled away, we both sat down on the bench and watched the cars go. He kept me by his side, his arm around me, comforting me.
“What happened to your cheek?” he suddenly asked.
“Nothing,” I answered, turning my face away from him so he couldn’t see the light bruise there. Under the sun, it was inescapable, I knew. I hadn’t even thought of a good enough lie for how I got it if someone had asked.
His finger wrapped around my chin, and he forced me to him. I couldn’t meet his eye, but I knew he was staring at it hard.
“Did Russell do this to you?” he demanded.
“I back-chatted him,” I grumbled.
He clenched his jaw and let go of my face. He fisted his hands together and looked away from me. “He tell you not to see me?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you going to listen to him?”
“No. I’ll just need to be more careful.”
He exhaled and shook his head. “I wanna hurt him.”
“It’s fine,” I told him, grabbing hold of his arm. “It was the first time he ever touched me. I’ll be good and he won’t do it again. Don’t do anything stupid, Carter. If you do, you’ll make it worse for me.”
He didn’t reply, but he managed a stiff nod.
When the bus did finally come our way, I skipped class and spent the day with him.
*
During his two weeks of suspension, Carter would intercept me on my way to school and plead for me to skip class. I did whatever he wanted because he was my fucking hero and I loved him like crazy.
We usually stopped by the gas station on the way to the bus stop and buy some ice cream and energy drinks. Then we’d catch a couple buses to Castle Fun Park, an amusement park that was usually packed with kids over the weekend. The arcade was mostly dead during the schooldays, and so he bought fifteen dollar cards and we played the cheap 60 cent retro games until we ran out of money.
Those days always stood out to me the most in our early years. I was sure he was giving me all this attention because he wanted me to be strong and not think about what James had said. My image was tarnished, would always be, and he was keeping me sane by treating me like a friend and not a whore’s niece.
“You figure out what you’re gonna be yet?” he asked me once on our walk back home after a very busy day being a truant student.
He was asking only because I’d been wracking my brain over my future lately. Teachers kept talking about Colleges and making sure we had considered what path we wanted to take. It usually did my head in with stress. It might not have looked like it since I was skipping that many days of class for him, but I was a very serious student, and I worked very hard to get great marks.
“No,” I answered, kicking a rock. “As long as I’m out of Russell’s place, I don’t think I’ll care.”
“Yeah, me too,” he muttered. “My dad’s a piece of shit. I’ll give him a good punch across the face when I walk out of there.”
I smiled. “You have some serious aggression issues, Carter. But on that note, you’re going to be a famous singer. I know it.”
He just chuckled. “Yeah, the day I become a famous singer will be the day I crawl on my hands and knees and kiss your feet. That shit doesn’t happen in the real world.”
“It will with you.”
He looked at me, his blue eyes soft and mesmerizing. Softly, he remarked, “I don’t think anyone’s ever had the confidence in me like you do.”
“That’s why I’m your best friend,” I reminded him, nudging him with my shoulder.
“Abso-fucking-lutely,” he replied, wrapping an arm around me.
“Sing to me at the creek?”
“Sure.”
I sighed internally, closing my eyes for a short second to inhale his scent and drown in the warmth of him. Would I forever pine for this guy? Time had proved it wouldn’t lessen. It never would.
This was why I kept my distance at times.
When you have feelings for your best friend who does not share those same feelings back, you learn to endure. Eventually, I did have eyes for other guys, and dates
did happen every now and again. I learned to be outgoing, and sometimes, I did listen to Rome when he wanted to drag me to a party. Forcing that distance from Carter, I learned to have fun without him.
But there were still those times… Times where he’d be wrapped up in a girl physically, but he’d be staring at me from across the room. His attention would solely be focused on me, and I’d see something brimming in his magnificent eyes that was far from friendly.
He would never act on it, though. Our friendship was important to him in a way he would never divulge with me.
I was simply a boundary he would not trespass.
I did my best to forget my first kiss with him, did my best to move on from him, and when it got hard some nights, I drowned in a sea of literature to dull the ache.
Carter
If I kept her at arm’s length, I would never hurt her.
Seven
Winter of 2007
18 years old
“Leah.”
Gasping, I whipped my eyes open in the dark and shuffled away from the hand shaking my arm, hoping to God it wasn’t him again. But as the seconds passed, I blinked away my exhaustion and stared at Carter’s comforting face. He was sitting on the edge of the bed, dressed in his leather jacket that was drenched in the rain I could hear blasting through the opened window.
For a second, I was terrified of the noise level. I jerked my face in the direction of the door, half-expecting Russell or somebody else to come bursting through it. My heart lurched at the thought and my stomach swam with nausea.
“You can’t be here,” I whispered hysterically. “You have to get out of here, Carter, before anyone sees you.”
“He’s asleep, Leah,” he immediately reassured me, leaning over the bed to rest a hand on my shaken body. “Your Aunt’s stopped for the night. They’re both passed out from all that booze. Calm down, I made sure he wasn’t awake.”
I slumped my shoulders. I’d been living in hell for the last two months. Russell and Cheryl had hit a massive bump in their relationship. She’d completely gone off the reservoir, deciding she wasn’t going to whore herself half as much as she had all these years. She claimed her body couldn’t handle any more of it, which was fair enough in my opinion. They fought a lot about it, and Russell had threatened to stop her drug supply, but she was eerily calm about it. Even after he knocked her around a few times, leaving her bruised and suffering from withdrawal, she stuck to her guns and refused to do as she was told. As a result, their income was suffering.