by R. J. Lewis
He just stared at me for a moment, his eyes roaming over my face while his lips flinched upwards. “No,” he whispered.
I swallowed hard and managed a nod. I tried to say the word good but I couldn’t seem to find my voice. I just looked at him and his mouth, my need already so evident in the way I gazed at him. He could see it, couldn’t he? Surely he could see the love pouring out of me for him, it was as real as the rain pounding the roof of the zebra print interior car.
His fingers briefly touched my face, and this time there was no denying the effect he had over me. My body went still, even my breathing stopped. He lightly brushed his fingertip along my jaw and gently over my bottom lip. He was gazing at my mouth with this beautifully dazed look in his eyes, and it had my heart bursting inside my chest.
His hand travelled down my neck and along the side of my body. He settled it lower than before, right on my ass this time and pulled me closer to him. His warmth radiated into every inch of my body, and it felt so good.
“Carter,” I whispered out.
“Yeah?” he replied, eyes on mine.
I didn’t know. I just wanted to say his name, wanted him to do what he did in that bedroom. I wanted that mouth on mine so I could feel all those delicious things again.
Knowing exactly what I wanted, he leaned in closer to me. Our breaths collided as he took my bottom lip in between his teeth and tugged gently on it. I squirmed a little, completely at a loss for words. He totally just bit me, didn’t he? Dear God, it was sexy. He let go of my lip and next I felt the wet brush of his tongue between the seams of my lips. He licked all along my lip before closing his mouth over mine. It was the softest kiss I’d ever felt – not that I had much experience – and it was almost too good to be real.
Homelessness? Sleeping in cars wasn’t so bad. Food? Whatevs, I could totally dumpster dive. School? One could get street-wise instead.
None of that mattered if it meant him kissing me with those lips every night.
I kissed him back, showing him the opposite of gentle. I was the passionate one, baring it all, not hiding how eager he made me feel for his taste. He pulled me even closer to him, until he was forced to move over top of me. It was a tight fit, he almost would have crushed me if he wasn’t supporting his upper weight on his arms he’d rested on either side of my head, but it was the best make out session of my life, hands down.
I grabbed a fistful of his jacket to me, determined to keep him there. I needed that connection. I didn’t want him to break free of the kiss and forget all about this. I’d tasted that bitter rejection three years ago and refused to relive it again. No, not this time.
Our tongues clashed and our breaths were short and fast. I spread my legs wide. Maybe it was a natural thing the body just knows to do, or maybe my horny mind knew exactly what he might do. It didn’t matter. He settled himself in between them and I could feel how hard he was. Goosebumps broke out and I shivered against him, teeth chattering more from desire than from the cold.
Immediately my thoughts revolved around sex. I thought of him naked and pressed against me like this. I wondered if that was the direction we were on now. Were we both going to strip and lose ourselves in one another? Was I prepared to lose my virginity in a car covered in zebra shit? At this point, sure. Absolutely. I could do it. What the hell did it matter where we were anyway? That lovey-dovey romance shit was overrated. Bring on the car sex and rid me of this damn virginity so I could call Carter mine and end this friend-zoned disaster!
He abruptly pulled back from the kiss and rested his forehead against mine. He was breathing hard, and his eyes were closed. I skimmed my lips over his and he turned his face away so it was out of reach.
“Christ, you’re bewitching me,” he panted. “Let’s not get too carried away, Leah.”
“I want to get carried away,” I protested.
He chuckled and climbed off of me, and away went my satisfaction. It was okay, somewhat, because he still wrapped his arm around me and kept me flushed against him. I stared at him for a while as he tried to calm his breathing down. With eyes still firmly closed, his chest rose and fell rapidly. He was getting himself back under control, ready to retreat into his reserved state. The Carter State I’d aptly called it.
I smiled, thinking just then of his words from a moment ago. I was bewitching him. “You’re totally into me, aren’t you, Carter? Is that why you’re breathing all hard? I know I’m irresistible, but this kind of knocks even that word out of the waters.”
His mouth spread into a wide grin. Those perfect teeth, those plump lips, the way he peeked at me for a brief moment, these were the small little things that cemented my absolute love in him. They twisted my insides in the best way possible.
“You just taste good,” he finally muttered when his chest returned to normal.
“Likewise,” I replied. “I think our lips were made for each other.”
“Yeah? I think lips are just lips.”
“You know you’re made for me, Carter. You just don’t want to admit it.”
His smile slowly faded. “Nobody’s made for anyone, Leah.”
I rolled my eyes. He was such a hopeless guy. “Maybe you’re right, and maybe you’re wrong. Time will tell. Now kiss me again and don’t climb over me because I’m sure you’ll tear my clothes apart, and I’m not ready for that kind of molestation in the world’s most unromantic place.”
“Yeah, it’s a pretty weird car, huh?”
“Freaking weird is an understatement. I feel like I’ve been swallowed by a zebra.”
“Crazy things make for wicked memories. You’ll look back at this fondly one day, I’m sure.”
We stared at the interior once more before we burst into laughter. I ran my hands over the seat covers. The fabric was soft and it was pretty clean, I guess. He was right. This would definitely be looked back on in the future quite fondly.
I turned my face to his after I was done exploring the vehicle and waited expectantly for that kiss I had demanded. He just stared at me, hesitating as he took in my lips with thoughtful eyes.
“Leah,” he started quietly, “I’m not a relationship kind of guy. You’ve always known that.”
Heart failure. “But you asked me to be with you.”
“I know, it’s just…” he sighed and ran a hand through his shaggy hair. “I don’t want to fuck up our friendship. Some days it’s all I have and I can’t stand the thought of being responsible for hurting you.”
You’ve already hurt me. “You won’t hurt me.”
“Yes, I will,” he said with conviction. “That’s just how I’m wired, Leah. I’m a fucking disaster and I’ll take you down with me if you expect me to give you all of me.”
Knifed right in the chest. “You’re not a disaster, Carter. Besides, you can’t try and convince me not to want you. I’m old enough to decide for myself what I want, and it’s you. Let’s just see how it goes. We don’t have to call ourselves anything. We’ll still be friends and a little more. I know you want that.”
Yeah, he did. It was written on his face. He wanted to kiss me again, but he truly believed he wasn’t good for me. I shouldn’t have said what I did. I was being selfish, pushing him past his limits for my own needs. I’m telling you right now love is a dangerous and complicated thing. It destroys logic and shuts away the whispering voice inside your head warning you of the damage to come. Even then I knew it was going to be all my fault if he pushed me away later on. I would be nursing a devastated heart and have nobody to blame but myself.
Yet… I just didn’t care. I was too obsessed with having him in any way I could get him. If I pushed him to just try and be with me, maybe he would want it as much as me. Maybe whatever was holding him back would go away.
“Are you offering me a friends with benefits type of relationship?” he wondered aloud.
I hesitated a moment. The term made me cringe, but I swallowed and nodded anyway. “Sure. If that’s what you want.”
“Ar
e you sure about this?” he suddenly asked, looking over every inch of my face, trying to discern me when he should have known I’d spent the last seven years of my life fighting to hide my hurt.
“I’m sure,” I answered with a tentative smile. “Give me more.”
And that was all it took for him to bridge the gap. Without reservation, he kissed me again, harder than before and without restraint. He climbed back over me, grabbing at my legs this time to spread them apart.
“If it’s too much, tell me to stop,” he panted in between our kisses. “I’m not going to push you, Angel.”
I nodded against his lips as he ravaged me. His hands roamed my body and my own grabbed at his jacket, pulling it off of him. He aimlessly threw it somewhere and grabbed at my hoodie. It disappeared too. With his body pressed against mine, I wasn’t cold. On the contrary, it was burning beneath him, seeking more of his touch until it felt like I would combust. Our heavy breaths fogged up the car windows making the streetlights look like smears of light inside.
I surprised myself with the noises that came out of my mouth when he grinded between my legs. Delicious sparks shot up inside of me, making my legs clench him tightly to me. I was tingling everywhere, and I grabbed at his shirt and threw it off. My hands roamed his hard chest and the second they inched down to his abdomen, along where his V teased me for more, Carter grabbed them and forced them away from his zipper.
“No,” he whispered against my mouth. “Not like this, Leah.”
“Yes, like this,” I pleaded. “Please. I really want this, Carter. I always wanted this with you.”
I wasn’t thinking clearly. I was horny, if we were going to be a hundred thousand percent honest. Something about him made my inhibitions disappear. He didn’t have condoms and I wasn’t on birth control. I was playing with fire, and I didn’t want to end up burned, homeless and knocked up. But at the time it seemed reasonable. In that split second, with the throbbing between my legs begging for friction, I rationalized I most likely wouldn’t end up pregnant. And besides, the world would go on.
The world always went on.
So yeah, I pleaded, and giving a man that was also horny that power to choose must have been absolute agony for him. It was totally irresponsible of me. I would learn to appreciate it later on, but when he moved off of me yet again, I felt nothing short of resentment.
To me it felt like he had rejected me. Like once again I was thrown to the wayside. How could he turn me down? Didn’t he care how foolish and humiliated I’d feel?
All those unnecessary emotions swirled inside of me like a tornado, shattering my hope into a million little pieces.
“No,” he simply said softly, giving my ear a kiss. “I’m not going to take you like this, Angel.”
I didn’t respond for some time. I stiffened when he pulled me closer against his side, spooning me again, but eventually his warmth seeped into my bones and I relaxed to the feel of him. He continued kissing me on the side of my face, waiting for me to turn my head to him. It took me a few moments to let go of my anger. I turned my face to him and kissed him. The kiss was languid and deep. It worsened the need between my legs, and I might have cried if I didn’t feel his hand inching below my shirt.
I was flushed and shaking, and in my mind I kept pleading for him to do something to me. Anything. I just wanted that ache gone.
His hand skirted along my stomach and toward the edge of my pants. He unbuttoned them and slid his hand inside. My eyes shut tighter, my mouth opened, barely kissing him now as he distracted me with the pressure of his hand where I needed him the most.
“This will make it better, yeah?” he whispered against my mouth.
I nodded.
He gently rubbed me, gliding his fingers skilfully along my clit. I bucked into him, my ass pressing against his jeans. He was rock hard and it didn’t get any better as I continued to press into him. He cursed, dropping his head between my neck and shoulder. I felt his hot breaths and random licks.
The feeling was so intense, and he prolonged my release, fingering me like a goddamn master. I didn’t think someone could give me this kind of pleasure without knowing my body first. But he seemed to excel at anything when it came to those dexterous hands.
He sucked my neck hard and sped up the movements, stroking my wet folds before teasingly pressing into me with his finger. I moaned, completely uncaring of how loud I was as the feeling tore through my being, so unbelievably strong and hard, I was shaking uncontrollably, moving my hips against him as I rode it out.
My ears were ringing, my body sagged, and my vision was slightly spotty. I blinked a few times, barely registering his feather-light kisses against my cheek before he removed his hand and wrapped his arm around me. Aside from the rain still blasting against the car, the silence within was heavy. I felt its weight and wondered what to say to dispel it.
“Thank you,” I weakly muttered, feeling a little embarrassed by how desperate I was for him several moments ago. God, had I no shame?
“For what, Leah?” he asked softly.
“For…” For what really? “For… fingering me, I guess.” And not deciding to stick your dick inside me without protection, because that would have been stupid.
I felt his chest vibrate lightly with laughter. “Anytime.”
I smiled a little. My cheeks were crimson, and I was still on a high after that massive wave of pleasure. Jesus, I didn’t think it could feel that good coming from somebody else.
“No one’s ever done that to you, right?” he then asked curiously. He tried to play it off like it was casual conversation, but I knew he really needed to know.
“No,” I answered.
“Good.”
“Hopefully it’s just you from now on,” I added, hinting that I truly wanted more.
I felt him nod and mutter a weak, “Yeah,” before he went quiet altogether.
I didn’t like the quiet response in him, and I suddenly questioned if we were going to go back to before. Like my first kiss, something that had played in my mind every spare moment.
Did Carter care for me like I did for him? Was this just temporary? I couldn’t handle the thought, so I cast it aside and closed my eyes. Unfortunately, I wasn’t very successful.
You’re not going to win this. A tiny voice in me whispered with heartbreaking clarity. You can’t win a game of unrequited love.
Carter
Black and white
The surroundings of our first real kiss, that night
runs through my memory like a stream.
And fuck, I’d wrap you up if I could,
lay your gentle heart in my hand
and give you all you deserve.
Black and white,
The contrast in us like day and night
you were the picture of purity; the light in my dark.
And fuck, I’d wrap you up if I could,
lay your gentle heart in my hand
and give you all you deserve.
*
Wanting a little more.
Like a fucking hungry puppy.
I was a fucking idiot.
Unprepared. Uncaring.
I knew, deep down, where this was going to lead.
That was the third strike against me.
Nine
Well, this was awkward.
We were all sitting in the impressive dining room that belonged to the Myers family.
Carter and Rome were on the verge of fighting, Rome’s parents were staring at me like I was some stray cat in need of shelter, while simultaneously glaring at Carter like he was a fly in need of swatting, and I was just sitting there trying to buy their welcome, with the sad look of a recently homeless eighteen year old girl.
Maybe turning to Rome wasn’t such a good idea. I mean, the tension was almost unbearable. He and Carter never met eye to eye; it was more eye for an eye if anything when it came to them. I didn’t get the hatred. Maybe it was just a guy thing. Rome was almost as big as Carter, so perha
ps one needed to out-alpha the other or something.
I started this awesomely painful situation off with a plea. “We were just hoping for a place to crash for a couple days.”
Blank stares.
“Or a day even, if a couple days isn’t possible.”
More blank stares.
“Hell, just a few hours would do.”
Christ, being a beggar was hard stuff.
Rome’s mother, Marlena Myers, finally broke with emotion. She smiled kindly at me, easing me immediately with her warmth. “Oh, Leah, I can’t believe you’ve been kicked out. Of course you can stay.”
Yeah, I skewed the truth a little. Figured telling them we ran away might dampen our chances for help. Make us look all rebellious, you know?
Rome’s father Harold nodded in agreement. “Absolutely, Leah. You’re like family, dear.”
I smiled back. This was looking good. At first, when the zebra car owner found us in his car and screamed at us to get out (swinging the world’s most non-threatening zebra handled Swiss army knife at us), I thought heartily about returning to the trailer. I was sure Russell hadn’t discovered me yet, so maybe I’d put the entire night behind. But Carter was unyielding in his decision never to go back, and as we walked for hours in the shopping centre, waiting for the pounding rain outside to stop, my thoughts travelled to Rome and how good his family had been to me.
We were close. When I wasn’t hanging out with Carter, Rome would be there to pick me up in his Jeep and we’d drive to the bar his family owned. At least a night a week we’d dine there and Marlena would be kicking around, talking to me like I wasn’t the trashy girl everyone thought I was. They were quite disconnected with my side of the tracks, though. They lived a little ways away, their multi-generational house – which felt like a mansion to me – was on an acreage while their bar was in the centre of Abbotsford. They were familiar with other people, and while I had a feeling they’d heard about Aunt Cheryl’s activities, I know they didn’t paint a bad picture of me. It was why I was so comfortable with them and had decided to show up here with Carter to ask for a place to stay until we figured out our next step.