by R. J. Lewis
“I’m not,” he denied firmly.
I took another sip of my coffee and shook my head at him. With a monotone voice, I told him, “Somehow I don’t think being friends is wise.”
“Why?”
“Everything that’s happened is too fresh, don’t you think?”
He frowned. “So what would you rather us be then, Leah?”
I shrugged. “We’ll co-exist, and I’ll do my best to tolerate you, but I’m not going to be your buddy. In fact, you’re my roommate now. Period.”
“Roommate?” he sneered in disbelief.
My spine stiffened as I shot him a look. “Did I stutter?”
Despite the seriousness, his lip perked up in a smirk. “That’s not going to last very long. You’ll crumble and need me all over again.”
I raised a brow and stared evenly at him. “The truth of the matter is, Carter, you needed me a lot more than I needed you. And that’s something you can’t deny.”
That lip flattened immediately. His eyes darkened. “Is that right?”
“Yeah.”
He studied me for a moment, and I think he knew I was right. He knew this was too far fucked. That we could never be what we were before. We’d ruined that possibility the second we decided to take things further. But it was as though he wanted to put the blinders on. He didn’t want to acknowledge the horrible truth.
Well, he would have to.
As far as I was concerned, I was no longer interested in ever being friends.
Actually, I wasn’t interested in being anything at all to Carter Matheson.
“Fine,” he eventually said, retreating from the kitchen, a look of disdain on his face. “You want to reduce me to a roommate? You’ll get a roommate, Leah. Just remember, be careful what you wish for.”
And with that, he turned and walked away.
Nineteen
Winter of 2008
19 years old
School.
Work.
Hating Carter.
Those three things occupied most of my time.
It had taken him exactly a month before his eyes drifted from mine. A month before the girls were sitting in his lap and he was taking things to another level.
To say it made me feel like a used up tissue tossed to the curb was a severe understatement. There was nothing more awesome than knowing you weren’t all that important to someone as you thought you were, and that they could easily replace you.
Fucker.
I glared at him as I paced back and forth. He was seated in his usual spot with the guys, and he was leaning into a girl, brushing her hair behind her ears as he spoke to her. When Jared turned around from his chair and lifted his hand up to me, I froze and hastily searched for Melanie. I would not be serving them. Hell to the no.
Unfortunately, Melanie was busy with a table.
“Leah!” Jared shouted out. The obnoxious bastard would keep hollering my name if that was what it took to get my attention.
I sighed and went to them. I tried to keep my eyes glued to Jared, but they moved on their own to Carter. And he was looking back at me, a grin playing at his lips as he lifted his beer and chugged a bit down. I was frowning by the time I stopped at their table, looking down at Jared, wanting nothing more than to strangle him.
“What do you want?” I asked roughly.
“Nothing,” he answered.
What the hell? “Then why call me, Jared?” I huffed out.
“I was just curious to know where you’ve been. I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever.”
“I cut back to part-time.”
“Why?”
“Because of the hours. I need more time studying in the evenings.”
Not being here and listening to drunks and watching Carter fondle the girls.
The truth was he was the major issue. It got to the point he was so distracting at work, I picked up another job as a cashier in a store close to my Uni. That way I was working mid-afternoon to early evenings there, and only here two nights of the week. I juggled between the two on top of being a full time student.
Times were tough.
Even when I found spare time during the weekends, I spent it at the library, pumping out essays and going over chapters in my textbooks. Then I found an excuse to stay behind almost every class and go over my questions with the Profs, otherwise I’d be lost in a sea of confusion.
I was busy.
Drastically busy.
My head ached when it hit the pillow and my body sagged into the mattress like a limp noodle. I usually didn’t have a lot of time to think – which was exactly what I needed – and I ended up falling asleep minutes later. By occupying my brain, my heart couldn’t catch up to me.
Which is why standing at this table was getting on my nerves. It was forcing me to acknowledge the bastard standing two feet away from me, boring his mischievous eyes into me while one of his groupies leaned into him like he was hers.
I scoffed. Good luck with that, darling.
Living with him had been interesting. Despite our somewhat amiable truce, we were anything but amiable. We dodged each other at every opportunity and barely tolerated one another. We spoke, not often, but it was enough, and it was usually about rent and bills with a few snide remarks thrown in. He wasn’t around much either. He was practicing with the band, taking up more gigs on top of promoting themselves. Their popularity was seriously on a rise, especially when they began creating more videos and demos. I only knew this through Rome, but even then I hadn’t bumped into him often for a good hangout.
Because Mel was getting closer to the boys than I was, the last update she filled me in on was they were negotiating over booking agents, and if one was agreed upon, it might mean uprooting their lives elsewhere.
Which was both relieving and depressing at the same time. The thought of him leaving made me nauseous. We’d fallen so far, if he left, we’d never recover. Which is interesting looking back on it. Somewhere very deep inside of me, I’d hoped for some way of mending this.
“Are you sure that’s the real reason you’ve cut back your hours?” Carter suddenly said, his voice thick of scepticism.
I stared daggers at him, challenging him with, “What other reason could there be?”
He shrugged, setting his hand casually on the girl’s thigh, causing her to lean into him even more. “You glare at me an awful lot. It’s almost like you’re avoiding me.”
“If I’m avoiding you, Carter, it’s probably because my brain cells can’t afford to die off more than they already have around your cocky egotism.”
Jared laughed, and to my surprise, so did Carter. He nodded at me. “Maybe. Or you can’t hack wanting what you can’t have.”
Now Jared’s laughter completely died off and his eyes widened. He stared between the two of us. I gazed at Carter for several moments, thinking of a million things I could say to tear that ego to pieces, but then it would make me look petty, and the last thing I needed was for him to win and think he got to me.
I just smiled at him instead and turned back to Jared, asking him sweetly, “Anything else you need, Jare?”
He shook his head. “Nah, Leah.”
“Good night, fellas.”
I was about to turn around when Carter let out sharply, “I’m not done with you.”
I crossed my arms and turned to him. “I thought we had this conversation.”
He chuckled scathingly. “No, Angel, I’m not referring to our talk about you depreciating me into your roommate. I’m talking about the fact I’m thirsty.”
I clenched my teeth and resisted cursing at him. “Right, and what are you thirsty for, Carter?”
His eyes lazily skimmed me. “Something wet.”
“Something wet?”
“Unless that’s hard for you.”
Motherfucker.
“Well, lots of drinks are wet, Carter, is there anything you particularly want?”
He leaned back, staring at me intently as he rep
lied, “How about you tell me what you prefer to wrap your lips around?”
My eye twitched. This guy. He was trying hard to wind me up in the hopes of watching me explode. It wasn’t going to happen. Didn’t he know me by now? How insulting.
“I’ve been trying different drinks lately, Carter,” I sweetly replied with a fake smile, “and my lips have taken a great deal of pleasure wrapped around a variety of them.”
His face fell and his lips parted. He was stunned silent, and it was my turn to smirk at him and add, “How about I get you our new drink? The Dried-Up Pussy cocktail. Maybe it’ll be wet enough for you.”
I turned around and hurried off, hearing Jared burst into laughter as I went. I was shaking in anger, pissed off beyond belief and seriously contemplating quitting this job altogether on my way to Mel. She had watched the exchange, and when I shot her an angry look, she knowingly looked over my shoulder and glared daggers at Carter.
I felt his eyes on me the entire night. Mel had updated me throughout, telling me he’d ditched the girls, or maybe they had ditched him after he’d shut down as soon as I’d left him. He was moody, and when Jared eventually left him, he sat alone, drinking and… staring.
I could hardly focus from all this sudden attention.
When my shift ended, I cursed as we got ready to leave and said, “I don’t know how I’m going to survive Winter Break away from classes. I’m going to be on the verge of a breakdown if I’m not busy doing something.”
“Come out and party with me then,” she urged with a wink. “It’ll take your mind off the dick and your break will fly by when you’re too busy having fun.”
“Somehow drinking doesn’t sound all that great right now.”
“You say that, but when it comes time, you’re going to be glad you did. Sometimes it’s nice to just forget.” She said this with a strange look in her eye that had me wondering what problems she was having.
“Come on,” she pleaded. “We’ll have a night out in town and who knows? Maybe we’ll have so much fun, it’ll be our thing.”
“As long as it’s just us.”
She nodded fervently. “Oh, yeah. I’m not going out with the boys again. Fuck ‘em.”
My eyes widened at her flash of anger. “You alright?”
She looked away. “Yeah, I’m good.”
“Well, I’d love to go out then. There’s no harm trying to forget some things.”
We walked out of the bar and went our separate ways. I saw Rome’s jeep parked on the side of the road, but he wasn’t in it. I waited in the cold for a few minutes, leaning my back against the car when he finally emerged out of the bar. I hadn’t even realized he was in it! So distracted by Carter, I’d neglected a lot of people lately.
He came out side by side with Carter and they were chatting heavily about something. I felt a shift in the air as they approached. It wasn’t bad per-say, but they seemed like they were discussing important things.
Probably the band.
When Carter stiffly nodded, Rome beamed and gave him a friendly pat on the back. That was also surprising. Since when did they act so…friendly?
Whatever had been said, Rome was now on top of the world. They immediately fell quiet about it when they got near to me, and Rome pat my hair roughly, messing up my updo, and said, “Hope you haven’t been waiting long.”
I shrugged absently. “Typical of you to keep me out in the freezing cold. I can’t feel my hands.”
He rubbed his index and thumb together. “You hear that, Leah? That’s the sound of the world’s smallest violin.”
I rolled my eyes and he laughed.
I felt Carter’s presence nearing me. I shifted away, and when Rome unlocked the car, I opened the backseat door without looking at Carter. Even if I did, all I’d see were those girls in his lap.
I slid into the back and didn’t have time to shut the door before he slid in next to me. I looked up at him in surprise, and he stared back, raising his brows, challenging me.
“What?” he asked innocently. “Do you have claim to the backseats, Leah?”
I looked to the empty front seat, half-tempted to crawl out of mine and into it. But once again, he was trying to agitate and inconvenience me. I moved over to the other side, as far away from him, until my body was flushed against the door and answered, “No, Carter. Go on and enjoy yourself.”
Rome shook his head, hearing us as he began to drive.
During the ride, Carter inched his way to me, until I could feel him against my free side.
Part of me wanted to open the door and jump out.
The other part wanted him to stay right where he was.
Twenty
Carter tried to bridge the gap, but I shunned him.
He couldn’t just decide when things would get better. Fuck no. Not after having to witness him with all those women every single night.
“Where are you going?” he asked, standing at the doorway of the bathroom, watching me put on a splash of make-up.
He was actually talking to me in the apartment. This was strange. I almost forgot I was visible around here again. I ignored his question and tried to shut the door, but he stuck his foot in before it closed and forced it open.
“Where are you going?” he repeated calmly.
“Out,” I simply answered, glancing at the frown on his face.
“Out?”
“What? Is it illegal to go out, Carter?”
“Do you want me to come with you?”
I froze and raised a brow at him. “Why would I want you to come with me?”
“To look out for you. You can’t be serious going out looking the way you do and not get bad attention.”
I glimpsed down at my skinny jeans and black top. This ensemble was excruciatingly tame, and it would not garner bad attention. I was certain of that. If anyone was at risk for bad attention, it was Melanie.
“Calm your tits,” I countered. “We’re not cruising through the West Side. It’s just a night out with a few drinks. I don’t even know why I’m telling you. You’re usually not home, anyway.”
“I was thinking about what I said to you at the bar in front of Jared a couple days ago.” He sighed and looked down at the floor. “I realize how I sounded, and I was jerk.”
“Well, I’ve forgotten all about it.” Total lie. “It doesn’t even matter.”
I went to walk past him, but he stood in my way, looking down at me with a serious expression.
“How about you stay? We’ll order pizza and spend time together. I have something I want to tell you. Something important.”
His whole demeanour was all strange. He was acting vulnerable, and his pleading blue eyes were melting the ice around my heart. I looked away from him, thinking of Melanie and our night out together.
“I can’t,” I replied quietly. “Melanie’s probably waiting for me already. It’s way too last minute.”
He sighed unhappily, and let me through. I grabbed my clutch off the kitchen counter and pulled out my phone to text her.
Me: How far away are you?
Mel: Five minutes.
Me: I’ll be waiting outside.
“Have a good night, Carter,” I told him.
When he didn’t respond, I looked over my shoulder and saw him standing a few feet behind me, looking dejected as ever. I couldn’t understand it. Wasn’t he having a field day with all those chicks? How was this fair?
I got angry just thinking about it.
I opened the door and got out of there before my heart could tell me otherwise.
*
“So what’s your problem?” I asked Melanie, digging into our calamari.
Our first pit-stop was at a restaurant, and we were having only appetizers. It was wise not to get overloaded on food right before we went out drinking.
Like I predicted, Melanie had dolled up. She was in skinny jeans too, but her top was lacy and cut up in places that made it look like it’d been through a shredder – but in a good
way – and left very little to the imagination. The girl had some serious cleavage.
She made a face at me. “What do you mean?”
“You look like you desperately needed a night out too. I want to know what your problem is. Does it have something to do with the boys? You know I’m perceptive, right? I’ve seen you staring at Rome every now and then.”
Mel was shocked to say the least. Her mouth dropped. “You seriously noticed that?”
“Oh, yeah, definitely.”
“I’ve been looking like you this entire time?”
I frowned. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Well, you stand there sometimes and just stare at Carter with this hateful look on your face. I didn’t think I was doing it too.”
Holy shit. Did I seriously do that? “Why didn’t you tell me I was doing that?” I demanded, offended.
“I’d be telling you about it ten thousand times a day!”
I groaned. That was embarrassing. “Okay, well, you know my reasons. What are yours?”
She shrugged absently. “I just think Rome is a man-whore with zero self-respect.”
I laughed. “Yep, he certainly is.”
She threw her calamari down, getting fired up about it. “What kind of guy doesn’t care who he’s putting his dick into? As far as I know, he’s probably a walking STD and I have no fucking interest in touching that, so fuck him and his advances.”
I stilled and my eyebrows shot up. “He’s been hitting on you?”
She avoided looking directly into my eyes, and her cheeks reddened. “We made out a month ago –”
“WHAT? Where was I?”
“You had school and you were cranky as hell. I didn’t want to unload my dramas on you. You looked like you were having enough of them as it was.”
“I don’t care what kind of drama I’m facing, when it comes to Rome and you, I’m there! That guy can’t commit, Melanie. He’s another Carter, with the difference being Rome just wants to have as much fun as possible before settling down.”
“And Carter?”
“Carter will never commit, ever. That’s just the way it is with him. Which is why I’ve given up.”