by Lia Lee
"Sure," she said finally. "If these plans take a while and you're still around, we can do dinner at that one Greek place we wanted to try."
Philip grinned, and she wondered how such a simple thing could feel as if the sun had come out after a storm.
"Thank you," he said. "I think you'll like what I have in store …"
The morning progressed quietly, with Marnie and Philip taking turns in the shower before Marnie helped Victoria with hers.
She was just helping Victoria get dressed when there was a knock at the door.
"I'll get it," Philip called. "Come out when you can …"
Funny, Marnie thought. She wondered what kind of surprise Philip had in store for them.
"Mama, who is it?" asked Victoria, holding her hand a little tighter.
Marnie glanced down. Victoria could sometimes be a little nervous about the people who came into their space. Right now, she looked calm enough, but there was definitely a nervousness to her that meant that it might be easy for her to lapse into a breakdown.
"Well, I'm not sure, sweetie, but it's someone that Philip likes and trusts. Let's take his word for it and assume that it's someone nice, okay?"
Victoria looked a little calmer at the idea, and Marnie was able to get her dressed in her favorite blue T-shirt and shorts in just a matter of minutes. When they came out to the living room, Marnie was startled to see that it was a woman with what looked like a small rack of dresses there, all sized for a girl Victoria's age.
"Is this the sweetheart?" the woman beamed. "Come on over here, sweetie, and we'll get you fixed right up."
Victoria looked up at her mother nervously, and Marnie looked at Philip. "What's going on?" she asked with a frown.
"Well, we're going off for an expedition today, so I thought that it would be good to have Victoria nicely dressed."
Marnie started to say that there was nothing wrong with Victoria's clothing, but she thought that might sound rude.
"All right. Victoria, why don't you go with the nice lady with the clothes. If you don't like something, you don't have to wear it, okay?"
Victoria nodded and approached the woman reluctantly while Marnie turned to Philip, lowering her voice. "What's going on? I'm going to point out that you're wearing last night's clothes, and all I've got are professional ones. If we're going to some place that requires something a little more fancy …"
Philip waved her fears away, and she remembered all over again how much trouble money could smooth over.
"I'm having some clothing sent over," he said airily. "And someone is coming with garments for you as well, don't worry. I have everything arranged."
Another woman might have been delighted. Marnie knew that she should have been. She had just been thinking a short while ago about how good it felt to have Philip take over some things. However, she hadn't expected to feel so nervous when he took them over to this extent.
Most of the time, it was easy to forget that Philip was a prince. He was surprisingly humble, he was grateful when she did things for him, and he was remarkably down to earth. His sudden importation of clothes for her and Victoria felt like she was getting a glimpse into the world that he normally lived in, and it was a strange and unfamiliar place.
Victoria was debating over a dress in blue or green with gentle encouragement from the woman, when there was another knock at the door.
This time it was Marnie's turn, and she blinked at the broad selection.
"With your dark hair and pale skin, you can wear almost anything," the new woman said. Her name was Bree, and she was intent on dressing Marnie to the nines, complete with shoes and bag. Marnie shot a desperate look at Philip, but at the moment, Philip looked too pleased with himself to register any concern. Marnie told herself that she was likely being silly, and she gave herself over to Bree.
At the end of it, Victoria was wearing a blue dress in the softest Egyptian cotton. It looked simple, but simply from the way it looked and moved, Marnie could tell it was extremely expensive.
"Is this mine to keep?" she asked hesitantly.
Marnie started to tell her that it was a loan when Philip nodded.
"It definitely is," he said with a broad grin. "Twirl for us, you look so lovely today …"
With a soft giggle, Victoria twirled, and Marnie fought down her reservations. Her daughter was happy, and that was what mattered.
For herself, Bree insisted that a light, short dress dyed a variety of shades of gray and blue was the best option. When she glanced at herself in the mirror, she was startled to see how well it suited her coloration and how blue it made her eyes.
"Perfect, just perfect for you," cooed Bree.
When Philip came out of the bedroom, dressed neatly in a charcoal suit that likely cost more than six months of her rent, he whistled at her with appreciation. "You look amazing," he said, coming to plant a kiss on her cheek.
Marnie glanced at Victoria, who was playing with her tablet and didn't seem to notice. "Thank you, but maybe keep a lid on things? Victoria …"
Philip looked a little chagrined, but nodded. "Right. But if we're all ready, we can head out now."
"Plans?" asked Victoria, who had seemed to regain her equilibrium.
"Yes," he said encouragingly. "Lots of them!"
The first place that he took them was to an exclusive spa in downtown Manhattan. Victoria was enthralled by the enclosed atrium playground and took off without a moment's look back, while Marnie was ushered into a gorgeous little room where soft music was being played.
Right before they took her away, she glanced at Philip, who was looking over some treatments they had offered him.
"Did I get dressed up just to get scrubbed down?" she asked half desperately, and he grinned.
"Trust me, you'll love this."
She did. There had never been that much time for pampering in her life. At the nameless expensive spa, she was massaged and then taken for a manicure and pedicure as someone covered her face with a seaweed mask. When she was done, some hours later, she was as relaxed as she ever had been. When she came down to the lobby, Philip was looking similarly relaxed, and Victoria was chattering at him happily about what she had done in the playground.
"Can we come back soon?" she asked. "I want to play in the fairy house some more!"
Just as Marnie was telling her that this was a treat, Philip nodded. "We can come back whenever we'd like," Philip said, "but right now, there are some other things for us to do …"
That was just the start of it. Philip took them to a ballet school where a stern teacher evaluated Victoria and taught her a few basic steps, and then a charter school where Victoria was introduced to art of all different types. Just when they were getting tired, Philip whisked them off to a traditional Russian tea room where they were served by a smiling woman with a strong accent and even stronger black tea. Philip showed Victoria how to drink it with jam, which made her smile.
Throughout the day, Marnie bit her tongue. Half the time, she was adoring the sight of her daughter learning and growing so much in front of her very eyes. The other half of the time, she kept wondering what in the world she could do to keep this up. Throughout the day, she also realized that Philip was telling more often than he was asking, something that was slowly but surely raising her hackles in a way that was hard to define.
Finally, however, they ended up back at her apartment, which, despite the fact that it was nowhere near as fancy, was at least familiar and safe. Victoria, amidst groans that she wasn't tired, was sent to her room for a nap, and when she was breathing deeply and evenly a few moments later, Marnie was finally able to turn to Philip.
"Wow, that was some day," she said, and Philip, who had stretched out on the couch, glanced up at her.
"You don't look happy about it," he observed, and with a sigh, she flopped down on the couch next to him. As naturally as if they had been doing it for years, he put his arm over her shoulder, and she pressed closer.
"I should
be. I'm going to sound like the world's most ungrateful bitch, but honestly, I don't know what to think. Thank you for today, but the truth is that on my own? I couldn't afford to do this more than once a year or so, if that. I … I loved getting to see Victoria so happy and so thrilled, but I know it won't last …"
"That was actually the point of today," he said softly, pulling back to look at her. "It can last."
She blinked at him. "What are you saying?"
"This is something that I have been thinking over for some time," he said. "I care about both of you. So much. More than I ever have. Today … today was meant to be a taste of what I can offer Victoria. She's a brilliant little girl, and I'm not just saying that because she's mine. If you and Victoria come back to Navarra with me, this could be your real life, one that you live with me."
Marnie looked at him hard. There was no trace of deception or insincerity to him. "As what?" she asked, and she wondered if she saw him flinch.
"It wouldn't be as my daughter," he said. "She would have the best of everything, she would be given the finest education. She could become my ward, a distant cousin. Something like that. It happens often enough."
Marnie was enough of a reader and history fan to know about arrangements like that. Her stomach was growing colder and colder, and she pulled her hand away from him. "And what would I be?"
Philip looked at her, and just then, she couldn't read his expression at all.
"We could be together," he said. "Not at the palace, of course. Some subtly and some care would be required, especially after I get married."
“"Get married …? Oh my god, are you actually asking me what I think you're asking me?"
He flinched ever so slightly, but it was enough for her to figure out that she had hit the nail on the head.
"My parents have been putting pressure on me to marry," he said. "The reason why I'm in New York is because I couldn't deal with it. Then I saw you, and found out about Victoria, and now everything's been turned upside down. If I marry, I will have all of the power and money to do exactly what I want, and Marnie, what I want is to give the world to you and to Victoria."
"By keeping us in a little house off in the country somewhere," Marnie shot back. "By making us your dirty little secret …"
Philip looked shocked. "Marnie … I would never consider you my dirty little secret. This isn't what this is all about at all …"
She was suddenly so angry that she could have spit at him. "Oh? Really, Prince Philip? Why don't you tell me what you would call it, hmm? What did your historians call it when women like me loved men like you?"
Damn, damn, damn. She hadn't meant to use that word. She hadn't meant to reveal that much of herself, but the damage was done. There was no coming back from it, so she only bulldozed on.
"I don't think you understand what I'm offering or what you're turning down," Philip said, a darkness stealing over his face. "I can give you both so much, and you are turning it away over something incredibly petty, something that shouldn't matter even a little bit …"
"Do you know what it's like, raising a girl?" Marnie asked, her voice strident.
Philip looked momentarily confused. "What do you mean?"
"The world is terrifying for girls, Philip. It doesn't matter how smart or kind or clever you are. People look at girls, and sooner than you want to believe, they realize that they are only good for one thing."
"She's five!" Philip exclaimed, and Marnie offered him a hard grin.
"Ever hear your cousins talk? What about your mother? Believe me when I say that the pressure for girls to grow up fast is right there, and it isn't even all that difficult to see.
"Every day, I fight with the world to protect Victoria, to make sure that she understands that she is worth so much more. So much more than what the assholes on the subway want from her or what her boss might imply some day."
Philip looked grief-stricken at her words, but she continued. This was something he had to hear. He had to understand this.
"You would know this if you were with me, raising her. I understand that you didn't know. What I'm not convinced of is whether it would have made a difference."
"Marnie, you're not being fair."
"Fair is being open with the people who care about you and who you care about," she said, her voice a little bit gentler. "Fair is recognizing those who love you and support you."
There was a pause, and when she continued, her voice was softer, sadder. "What is it going to be like when you do get married?" she asked. "I know you are going to. You care too much about your family not to, and about your country as well. When that happens, you will have a woman in your life who stands by your side. You'll have children with her. After that, what do I tell Victoria when she asks why we are always lesser than your other family? What do I tell myself?"
Philip reached for her hand, but she pulled it away. There was no anger in that gesture, nothing but weariness and pain.
"I wouldn't let that happen," he said, but Marnie shook her head.
"Don't you see, Philip? You're planning for it. You want to put us out in some remote location where you can have us whenever you like. It might be a very beautiful prison, but it is still a prison."
She could see the moment when the truth of her words struck Philip. He could see how it would go, and to his credit, he looked uncomfortable. Marnie, for her part, had never felt so tired in her life.
"I want to give Victoria the very best," he said. "You too."
For some reason, the thought of that made her smile a little. "That's the problem with you, Philip," she said gently. "You never thought all that much of yourself either. The best is yourself. It's not what your money can buy, and it's not all the classes you can make sure she attends or what spas I get to go to. It's you. That's all we want, and that's the one thing that you can't give."
Philip was silent for a very long time. He sat in the dimness of the room as if he were a man turned to stone. Marnie was outwardly calm, but underneath her cool exterior was a welter of emotions, anger, grief and more, that could not be quiet, would not be quiet.
"I see," he said. "I understand."
When he stood, Marnie felt as if her heart was ripping in two, tearing like heavy paper. She kept herself from reaching for him, because she couldn't stand to do so and be rebuffed. His offer was made from the heart, but if that was all he could give them, she wouldn't have him. She knew where it would lead, to an empty life and one that would make her grow small and bitter.
She looked up at him. For a moment, his hand hovered next to her hair, as if he wanted to touch her one last time. For the second time in her life, she realized that he would never touch her again. She had been wrong the first time, but she wouldn't be wrong the second time.
"I'm sorry, Marnie. Tell Victoria that I am sorry as well."
She wanted to tell him that he should tell Victoria himself, but she couldn't stand the idea. If she, an adult woman, felt as if her world was rocking back and forth on its moorings, how would a tiny child deal with it? She couldn't do that to her daughter.
He got up, and left.
Suddenly, Marnie was alone in her apartment. It should have been a familiar feeling, but somehow, over the last few weeks, she had become unused to it. There was an echoing silence where once she had had Philip to fill it, and even when they were simply resting after a long day out, there was the feeling of someone else in the world, someone else who cared.
It wasn't real, she tried to tell herself. It was just temporary. He was playing daddy and husband. He wasn't really going to stay.
That was what she tried to tell herself but somewhere else in her mind was the rock-hard understanding that he was being completely real. She shook her head, trying to shake it away. She was no one's mistress, and she refused to let anyone consider Victoria Philip's bastard.
Marnie knew that she had to be strong, both for her own sake and for that of her daughter. She had been for so long before Philip showed up, but n
ow it felt impossible. Since she had been a single mother, she had worked up an image of herself as a stone fortress, impregnable and powerful enough to protect her daughter from every possible ill or menace. Now she felt as fragile as glass.
I need to be strong, she thought to herself over and over again, but somehow, her heart didn't want to listen. She started to cry, and the best she could do was to keep it quiet so that her child wouldn't hear and worry.
***
On the cab ride back to his hotel, Philip started out numb. He felt as if everything he was seeing and feeling was removed. Everything was distant and strange, and a part of him was convinced that the past hour or so was nothing more than a particularly bad dream. He hadn't talked with Marnie. She hadn't told him that he was essentially making her his whore. He could still see the most lovely woman in the world and the daughter that they had made together.
It wasn't until he was in the hotel room with the door behind him that he started to feel something, and underneath that numbness was rage. It wasn't rage directed at Marnie or even himself. It was a rage at the world for being the way it was, and for forcing people into the roles that never suited them. He was going to lose Marnie a second time, and for the same damned reason, and suddenly the fury of that broke him apart.
Before he knew what he was doing, there was a lamp in his hands and he flung it straight across the room where it smashed into the fireplace. Then a ceramic bowl followed it, and then a chair.
By the time Philip was done, the room was trashed, but there was a calmness in him. He realized now that the anger was merely hiding something much different, and at the bottom of it all was grief.
The anger made sense, but the grief was something he had to live with. It didn't matter how or why, but he had lost. He had lost Marnie, and he had lost Victoria. Less than a month after discovering the family that he had never even known that he wanted, he was losing them, and the pain that that caused was so intense he wasn't even sure that he would survive it.