by Jean M. Auel
“You don’t fall in love at all, Jondalar.”
Jondalar started walking faster. “What do you mean? I’ve loved a lot of women.”
“Loved them, yes. That’s not the same thing.”
“How would you know? Have you ever been in love?”
“A few times. Maybe it hasn’t lasted, but I know the difference. Look, Brother, I don’t want to pry, but I worry about you, especially when you get moody. And you don’t have to run. I’ll shut up if you want me to.”
Jondalar slowed down. “So, maybe you’re right. Maybe I’ve never fallen in love. Maybe it’s not in me to fall in love.”
“What’s missing? What don’t the women you know have?”
“If I knew, don’t you think …” he began angrily. Then he paused. “I don’t know, Thonolan. I guess I want it all. I want a woman like she is at First Rites—I think I fall in love with every woman then, at least for that night. But I want a woman, not a girl. I want her honestly eager and willing without any pretenses, but I don’t want to have to be so careful with her. I want her to have spirit, to know her own mind. I want her young and old, naïve and wise, all at the same time.”
“That’s a lot to want, Brother.”
“Well, you asked.” They walked in silence for a while.
“How old would you say Zelandoni is?” Thonolan asked. “A little younger than Mother, maybe?”
Jondalar stiffened. “Why?”
“They say she was really beautiful when she was younger, even just a few years ago. Some of the older men say no one could compare to her, not even come close. It’s hard for me to tell, but they say she’s young to be First among Those Who Serve the Mother. Tell me something, Big Brother. What they say about you and Zelandoni, is it true?”
Jondalar stopped and slowly turned to face his brother. “Tell me, what do they say about me and Zelandoni?” he asked through gritted teeth.
“Sorry. I just went too far. Forget I asked.”
5
Ayla walked out of the cave and onto the stone ledge in front of it, rubbing her eyes and stretching. The sun was still low in the east and she shaded her eyes as she looked to see where the horses were. Checking the horses when she awoke in the morning had already become a habit, though she had been there only a few days. It made her solitary existence a little more bearable to think she was sharing the valley with other living creatures.
She was becoming aware of their patterns of movement, where they went for water in the morning, the shade trees they favored in the afternoon, and she was noticing individuals. There was the yearling colt whose gray coat was so light that it was almost white, except where it shaded darker along the characteristic stripe down the spine and the dark gray lower legs and stiff standing mane. And there was the dun mare with her hay-colored foal, whose coat matched the stallion’s. And then the proud leader himself, whose place would someday be taken by one of those yearlings he barely tolerated, or perhaps one of next year’s brood, or the next. The light yellow stallion, with the deep brown feral stripe, mane, and lower legs, was in his prime, and his bearing showed it.
“Good morning, horse clan,” Ayla signaled, making the gesture commonly used for any greeting purpose, with a slight nuance which shaded it to a morning greeting. “I slept late this morning. You’ve already had your morning drink—I think I’ll get mine.”
She ran lightly down to the stream, familiar enough with the steep path to be sure-footed on it. She took a drink, then doffed her wrap for her morning swim It was the same wrap, but she had washed it and worked it with her scrapers to soften the leather again. Her own natural preference for order and cleanliness had been reinforced by Iza, whose large pharmacopoeia of medicinal herbs required order to avoid misuse, and who understood the dangers of dirt and filth and infections. It was one thing to accept a certain amount of grime while traveling, when it couldn’t be avoided. But not with a sparkling stream nearby.
She ran her hands through thick blond hair that fell in waves well below her shoulders. “I’m going to wash my hair this morning,” she motioned to no one in particular. Just around the bend she had found soaproot growing, and went to pull some roots. As she strolled back looking over the stream, she noticed the large rock jutting out of the shallows with smooth saucer-shaped depressions in it. She picked up a round stone and waded out to the rock. She rinsed the roots, scooped water into a depression, and pounded the soaproot to release the rich sudsy saponin. When she had worked up the foam, she wetted her hair, rubbed it in, then washed the rest of her body and dove into the water to rinse.
A large section of the jutting wall had broken off at some time in the past. Ayla climbed out on the portion that was underwater and walked across the surface that rose above the water to a place warming in the sun. A waist-deep channel on the shoreward side made the rock an island, partly shaded by an overhanging willow whose exposed roots clutched at the stream like bony fingers. She broke a twig off a small bush whose roots had found purchase in a crack, peeled it with her teeth, and used it to pull snarls out of her hair while it dried in the sun.
She was staring dreamily into the water, humming under her breath, when a flicker of movement caught her eye. Suddenly alert, she looked into the water at the silvery shape of a large trout resting beneath the roots. I haven’t had fish since I left the cave, she thought, recalling she hadn’t had breakfast either.
Slipping silently into the water off the far side of the rock, she swam downstream a ways, then waded toward the shallows. She put her hand in the water, letting her fingers dangle, and slowly, with infinite patience, she moved back upstream. As she approached the tree, she saw the trout with its head into the current, undulating slightly to maintain itself in its place under the root.
Ayla’s eyes glistened with excitement, but she was even more cautious, placing each foot securely as she neared the fish. She moved her hand up from behind until it was just below the trout, then touched it lightly, feeling for the open gill-covers. Suddenly, she grasped the fish and, in one sure movement, lifted it out of the water and threw it on the bank. The trout flopped and struggled for a few moments, then lay still.
She smiled, pleased with herself. It had been difficult learning how to tickle a fish out of the water when she was a child, and she still felt almost as proud as she had the first time she succeeded. She would watch the spot, knowing it would be used by a succession of tenants. This one was big enough for more than breakfast, she thought, as she retrieved her catch—anticipating the taste of fresh trout baked on hot stones.
As her breakfast cooked, Ayla busied herself making a basket of beargrass she had picked the day before. It was a simple, utilitarian basket, but with small variations in the weaving she created a change in texture to please herself, giving it a subtle design. She worked quickly, but with such skill that the basket would be watertight. By adding hot rocks, it could be used for a cooking utensil, but that was not the purpose she had in mind for it. She was making a storage container, thinking about everything she had to do to make herself secure for the cold season ahead.
The currants I picked yesterday will be dry in a few days, she estimated, glancing at the round red berries spread out on grass mats on her front porch. By then, more will be ripe. There will be a lot of blueberries, but I won’t get much out of that scrawny little apple tree. The cherry tree is full, but they’re almost too ripe. If I’m going to get some, I’d better do it today. Sunflower seeds will be good, if the birds don’t get them all first. I think those were hazelnut bushes by the apple tree, but they’re so much smaller than the ones by the little cave, I’m not sure. I think those pine trees are the kind with the big nuts in the cones, though. I’ll check them later. Wish that fish would cook!
I should start drying greens. And lichen. And mushrooms. And roots. I won’t have to dry all the roots, some will keep for a long time in the back of the cave. Should I get more pigweed seeds? They’re so small, it never seems like much. Grain is worth the e
ffort, though, and some seed heads in the meadow are ripe. I’ll get cherries and grain today, but I’m going to need more storage baskets. Maybe I can make some containers out of birchbark. Wish I had some rawhide to make those big cases.
There always seemed to be extra skins around for rawhide when I lived with the clan. Now I’d be happy if I had one more warm fur for winter. Rabbits and hamsters aren’t big enough to make a good fur wrap, and they’re so lean. If I could hunt a mammoth, I’d have plenty of fat, even enough for lamps. And nothing is as good and rich as mammoth meat. Wonder if that trout is done yet? She moved aside a limp leaf and poked at the fish with a stick. Just a little more.
It would be nice to have a little salt, but there’s no sea around here. Coltsfoot tastes salty, and other herbs can add flavor. Iza could make anything taste good. Maybe I’ll go out on the steppes and see if I can find some ptarmigan, and then make it the way Creb always liked it.
She felt a lump in her throat thinking about Iza and Creb, and shook her head as though she were trying to stop the thoughts, or at least the impending tears.
I need a drying rack for herbs and teas, and medicines, too. I could get sick. I can chop down some trees for posts, but I need fresh thongs to bind them together. Then, when they dry and shrink, it’ll hold. With all the deadfall and driftwood, I don’t think I’ll have to cut down trees for firewood, and there will be dung from the horses. It burns well when it’s dry. I’ll start bringing wood up to the cave today, and I should make some tools soon. It’s lucky I found flint. That fish must be done.
Ayla ate the trout straight off the bed of hot rocks on which it had cooked, and she thought about looking through the pile of bones and driftwood for some flat pieces of wood or bone to use for plates; pelvic or shoulder bones worked well. She emptied her small waterbag into her cooking bowl and wished she had the waterproof stomach of a larger animal to make a more capacious waterbag for the cave. She added hot stones from the fire to start the water in her cooking bowl heating, then sprinkled some dried rosehips from her medicine bag into the steaming water. She used rosehips as a remedy for minor colds, but they also made a pleasant tea.
The arduous task of collecting, processing, and storing the abundance of the valley was no deterrent; rather, she looked forward to it. It would keep her busy; she wouldn’t have time to think about being lonely. She only had to preserve enough for herself, but there were no extra hands to make the task go faster, and she worried whether there was enough of the season left to lay in an adequate supply. Something else bothered her, too.
Sipping tea while she finished the basket, Ayla considered the requirements she would need to survive the long cold winter. I should have another fur for my bed this winter, she was thinking. And meat, of course. What about fat? I should have some in winter. I could make birchbark containers much faster than baskets, if only I had some hooves, bones, and hide scraps to boil for glue. And where will I get a large waterbag? Thongs to bind the posts for a drying rack? I could use sinew, and intestines for storing the fat, and …
Her rapidly moving fingers stopped. She stared into space as though seeing the vision of a revelation. I could get all that from one large animal! Just one is all I’d need to kill. But how?
She finished the small basket and put it inside her collecting basket, which she tied to her back. She put her tools in the folds of her wrap, picked up her digging stick and sling, and headed for the meadow. She found the wild cherry tree, picked as many as she could reach, then climbed up to get more. She ate her share, too; even overripe, they were tart-sweet.
When she climbed down, she decided to get cherry bark for coughs. With her hand-axe, she chopped away a section of the tough outer bark, then scraped off the inner cambium layer with a knife. It reminded her of the time when she was a girl and had gone to collect wild cherry bark for Iza. She had spied on the men practicing with their weapons in the field. She knew it was wrong, but she was afraid they might see her leaving, and she became intrigued when old Zoug began teaching the boy to use a sling.
She knew women weren’t supposed to touch weapons, but when they left the sling behind, she couldn’t resist. She wanted to try it, too. Would I be alive today if I hadn’t picked up that sling? Would Broud have hated me so much if I hadn’t learned to use it? Maybe he wouldn’t have made me leave if he didn’t hate me so much. But if he hadn’t hated me, he wouldn’t have enjoyed forcing me, and maybe Durc would not have been born.
Maybe! Maybe! Maybe! she thought angrily. What’s the sense of thinking about what might have been? I’m here now, and that sling isn’t going to help me hunt a big animal. For that I need a spear!
She picked her way through a stand of young aspen to get a drink and wash the sticky cherry juice off her hands. There was something about the tall, straight young trees that made her stop. She grasped the trunk of one; then it struck her. This would work! This would make a spear.
She quailed for a moment. Brun would be furious, she thought. When he allowed me to hunt, he told me I must never hunt with anything but a sling. He’d …
What would he do? What could he do? What more can any of them do to me, even if they knew? I’m dead. I’m already dead. There’s no one here except me.
Then, like a cord pulled so taut it breaks from the strain, something inside her snapped. She fell to her knees. Oh, how I wish there were someone here besides me. Someone. Anyone. I’d even be glad to see Broud. I’d never touch a sling again if he’d let me go back, if he’d let me see Durc again. Kneeling at the base of the slender aspen, Ayla buried her face in her hands, heaving and choking.
Her sobs fell on indifferent ears. The small creatures of meadow and woodland only avoided the stranger in their midst and her incomprehensible sounds. There was no one else to hear, no one to understand. While she had been traveling, she had nursed the hope of finding people, people like herself. Now that she had decided to stop, she had to put that hope aside, accept her solitude, and learn to live with it. The gnawing worry of survival, alone, in an unknown place through a winter of unknown severity, added to the strain. The crying relieved the tension.
When she got up, she was shaking, but she took out her hand-axe and hacked angrily at the base of the young aspen, then attacked a second sapling. I’ve watched the men make spears often enough, she said to herself as she stripped off the branches. It didn’t look that hard. She dragged the poles to the field and left them while she gathered seed heads of einkorn wheat and rye for the rest of the afternoon, then dragged them back to the cave.
She spent the early evening stripping bark and smoothing shafts, stopping only to cook herself some grain to have with the rest of her fish, and to spread the cherries out to dry. By the time it was dark, she was ready for the next step. She took the shafts into her cave, and, remembering how the men had done it, she measured off a length on one somewhat taller than herself and marked it. Then she put the marked section in the fire, turning the shaft to char it all around. With a notched scraper, she shaved away the blackened section and continued to char and scrape until the upper piece broke off. More charring and scraping brought it to a sharp, fire-hardened point. Then she started on the next one.
When she finished, it was late. She was tired, and glad of it. It would bring sleep more easily. Nights were the worst time. Ayla banked her fire, walked to the opening, gazed out at the star-spattered sky, and tried to think of some reason to delay going to bed. She had dug a shallow trench, filled it with dry grass, and covered it with her fur. She walked toward it with slow steps. She lowered herself onto it and stared at the faint glow of the fire, listening to the silence.
There were no rustlings of people preparing for bed, no sounds of coupling from nearby hearths, no grunting or snoring; none of the many small sounds of people, not a single breath of life—except her own. She reached for the cloak she had used to carry her son on her hip, bunched it up and pressed it to her breast, and rocked back and forth crooning under her breath while tears ro
lled down her face. Finally she lay down, curled herself around the empty cloak, and cried herself to sleep.
When Ayla went outside the next morning to relieve herself, there was blood on her leg. She rummaged through her small pile of belongings for the absorbent straps and her special waist thong. They were stiff and shiny despite washings, and they should have been buried the last time she used them. She wished she had some mouflon wool to pack in them. Then she spied the rabbit fur. I wanted to save that rabbit skin for winter, but I can get more rabbits, she thought.
She cut the small skin into strips before she went down for her morning swim. I should have known it was coming, I could have planned for it. Now I won’t be able to do anything except …
Suddenly she laughed. The women’s curse doesn’t matter here. There are no men I have to avoid looking at, no men whose food I can’t cook or gather. I’m the only one I have to worry about.
Still, I should have expected it, but the days have gone by so fast. I didn’t think it was time yet. How long have I been in this valley? She tried to remember, but the days seemed to fade into each other. She frowned. I ought to know how many days I’ve been here—it might be later in the season than I thought. She felt a moment of panic. It’s not that bad, she reminded herself. The snow won’t fall before the fruits ripen and the leaves drop, but I should know. I should keep track of the days.
She recalled when, long ago, Creb had shown her how to cut a groove in a stick to mark the passage of time. He had been surprised when she caught on so quickly; he had only explained it to still her constant questions. He shouldn’t have been showing a girl sacrosanct knowledge reserved for holy men and their acolytes, and he had cautioned her not to mention it. She remembered, as well, his anger another time when he caught her making a stick to count the days between full moons.