‘You’re no better than a groupie, running after Theo Judd with your tongue hanging out.’
Alexandra gave a scream of outrage and launched herself at Hugh. Riccardo caught her before she hit him.
‘That’s enough.’ His tone was quiet but there was something in it that stopped both of them in their tracks.
He let Alexandra go and stepped back.
‘Rachel has put her job on hold to listen to you today,’ he told Alexandra crisply. ‘So talk.’
She tossed her head, glaring at her brother. ‘With the last ninety-year-old A-level entrant taking notes?’
Hugh started forward in protest. Riccardo stopped him. He put just a simple hand on his arm but it was enough. Riccardo was watching Rachel unblinkingly.
Alexandra sneered, ‘Go on, say it, Hugh. I’m too young. Too stupid. I’m only a kid. I should listen to the grown-ups—and sensible, responsible people like boring Hugh Gray.’
There was a harsh pause. Rachel thought that, under the sneering expression, Alexandra did not look too far from tears. Her heart contracted with sympathy.
She stood up and went forward.
‘Hugh doesn’t have to say it, Lexy,’ she said quietly. ‘I will. I should have done a long time ago. I tried but—’ She broke off, shaking her head.
There was no point in excusing herself. She had failed her stepdaughter. She must not fail her any more.
‘I know you don’t want to believe me, Lexy. But age does make a difference.’
‘Yeah. I’ve noticed.’
‘At your age people can think they want things—really want them—which they just don’t understand a couple of years later, or sometimes a couple of months later.’
Alexandra snorted. ‘I’ll grow out of it?’
‘If you want to put it like that.’
Even as she said it, Rachel knew it was a mistake. She did not want to let Alexandra down but this was not the way. She was going to have to be more honest than that.
Her stepdaughter smiled nastily. ‘You mean I’ll grow out of sex? Just like you did?’
Rachel’s head went back as if at a blow. Across the room Riccardo went very still. Nobody noticed except Rachel. She was desperately conscious of that silent, watchful presence in the doorway. It made what she knew she had to do a thousand times more difficult.
Alexandra flung her chin up defiantly. ‘Well, I don’t want to grow out of it. I’d rather take a few risks on people. At least I’ll still be alive:.’
Rachel looked down at her hands. ‘Well, at least you know Theo is a risk.’
She looked up quickly and caught Alexandra’s involuntary recoil. Hugh drew in an audible breath.
Alexandra said furiously, ‘You’re trying to trick me into saying I don’t trust him.’
‘No.’
‘Yes, you are. You said—’
‘Theo is a risk. He is. We all are. Sex is. Life is.’ She gave a little self-mocking laugh. ‘My job at the bank is called risk management. It doesn’t begin to look at the really big risks. And do you know what the biggest risk is, Lexy?’
‘Families,’ snarled Alexandra.
Rachel shook her head. ‘Love.’
Alexandra cast her eyes to heaven. ‘Oh, p-lease.’
Rachel winced. She drew in a careful breath. This was worse than she had imagined.
‘I mean it,’ she said steadily. ‘Anything else, you’ve got a sporting chance. You can be careful, look at the downside, make a reasoned assessment, guard yourself if necessary. You know that. You know all about safe sex—you told me.’ She carefully avoided looking at Riccardo. ‘But there’s no such thing as safe love. Once you’re in love with someone, you’re hooked. Vulnerable for ever. If they’re hurt, you’re hurt. If they cheat you, or let you down or just get bored...’
Rachel’s voice cracked. She gave a quick shrug, turning her head away to hide her expression. She prayed that the immense effort that this was costing her did not show.
‘There’s nothing you can do to protect yourself against any of that. It hurts. It goes on hurting until, if you get really lucky, you fall out of love. Even then—well, you never forget what it was like. To be that badly hurt, I mean. It lasts. It’s like a sort of poison you never get out of your system. You think you’re cured and then— crash!—something reminds you and it’s back, just as bad as ever.’
In the doorway Riccardo was standing like stone. Rachel thought, He knows it all now. It lacerated her. But there was no hope that he would be misled. He was the cleverest man she had ever known and he knew her better than anyone else had ever done. However much she might be able to convince Hugh or Alexandra, or even Gilly, that this was pure neutral observation, she would never get away with it with Riccardo. He knew it was personal. And he knew it was the unadorned truth.
In which case he would also know—or be able to work out all too soon—that she had fallen in love with him at the Villa Azul. That she been in love with him ever since. And that she had been in love with him last night.
Oh, Lexy, she thought, if you knew what I am doing for you.
Alexandra’s eyes were fever-bright. ‘I can take care of myself.’
Rachel felt the thread by which she was holding onto her temper tighten. How much self-revelation was her stepdaughter going to demand?
She said levelly, ‘In most circumstances, I agree with you.’
‘Well, then-’
‘In most circumstances. You’re practical. You’re intelligent. You’re brave. You’re just not—’ she searched for the right words ‘—very strong yet.’
Alexandra looked down her nose. ‘Tosh.’
Rachel’s temper snapped. ‘You’ve got a brain. Use it. You’ve as good as admitted you know Theo is a risk. He is worse than that. He is a dead-certain disaster and everyone in this room knows it. Including you.’
It was the worst thing she could possibly have said. Alexandra flung herself away, a muscle in her cheek jumping. She picked up her bag defiantly. Hugh shook himself free of Riccardo’s restraining hand.
Rachel was the only one in the room who did not move. She said quietly, ‘It’s not tosh. It’s the truth. You’re going to give him your heart and all he wants is to score.’
It was a brutal thing to say. They all knew it. Alexandra stopped dead. Rachel could feel everyone in the room staring at her, shocked. But the only expression she saw was Riccardo’s. He was looking appalled.
Alexandra turned. Her face was so white that you could see the streaks of make-up where she had applied the false tan unevenly. Her mouth looked pinched suddenly.
‘Have you got any proof?’ she whispered.
‘Oh, Lexy,’ Rachel was almost crying herself.
‘Have you?’
Rachel averted her eyes from Riccardo’s expression.
‘His whole. life, love. You know it in your heart of hearts. He won’t tell you anything about himself. Will he?’
Riccardo was very still. Alexandra did not notice but Rachel was so conscious of him that her bones burned. If she ended up without a shred of dignity after todaywell, that was what she had been prepared for when she’d started this. There was no point in stopping now.
She said, ‘He has his own friends. You don’t even know who they are. Or what they do. You’re just a—game for him.’
Riccardo drew a sharp breath. Rachel ignored him. Alexandra looked like the child she had been not so long ago, crying out with nightmares, wanting a reassuring story before she went back to sleep.
Rachel’s heart twisted. For a moment she almost softened. But this was too important. She could not afford to weaken now, even though she felt as if she was scraping every word up from her deepest hurt.
‘When I was young I did something very similar,’ she said painfully.
The figure at the door stiffened. Rachel saw it and looked quickly away. Across the room his eyes were as black as coals in a great fire.
She said to Alexandra, ‘I was older than you are.
There was less excuse. like you, I thought I knew what I was doing. I thought I was willing to take the consequences, live completely for a burning moment, then pay the price.’ She laughed harshly. ‘Joan of Arc has a lot to answer for.’
Riccardo did not move. But she could feel him watching her as if he had an arc light trained on her.
‘It’s not like that. When you’re young, sex and love and the imagination are all tied up together. A sort of emotional primeval soup. It’s no one’s fault. It’s just a stage of development. We all go through it. But if you’re not careful, if you commit yourself too soon, too deep, you burn up all the oxygen too soon.’
Alexandra was staring. So was everyone else. Rachel felt naked. Riccardo would not be the only one who knew, after this.
She said, with the courage of exhaustion, ‘You said you don’t think I’m quite alive—not in the way that you are, willing to take a chance on Theo. I can’t deny it. So ask yourself why I’m like that. And see if you can avoid going the same way.’
There was a truly horribly silence. Everybody was trying to avoid her eyes. Except for Riccardo. He seemed as if he could not look away. He looked stunned.
Rachel felt as if she had no shred of dignity left, no single defence that Riccardo could not see through as easily as gauze. But she lifted her chin and outfaced him.
As their eyes met, it was like an electric shock. Rachel could feel it—could feel Riccardo feel it too. It seemed to drive him backwards with its force.
Alexandra gave a shattering sob.
‘Oh Rachel.’
She flung herself against her stepmother’s breast. Rachel’s arms closed round the slight figure automatically. Across the dark head her eyes stayed on Riccardo, faintly questioning.
He looked back for what seemed like an eternity. She could not begin to read his expression. Then he made a quick, wholly characteristic gesture, setting himself at a distance from the tableau.
And, as Rachel stroked Alexandra’s hair with a hand that shook, Riccardo turned on his heel and walked out of her house.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
IT WAS a bad moment. Rachel watched him go and felt as if the rest of her life had just left. What has happened to me? she thought. She held Alexandra and made soothing noises mechanically while she slowly allowed herself to realise the truth.
Nine years had passed and nothing had changed. She was still in love with Riccardo di Stefano. And she still did not have the faintest idea how he felt.
Except that he’s just walked out, she reminded herself. That might just give you a clue.
She kept half an ear open for the telephone for the rest of the day. It rang but it was never Riccardo. And tomorrow he would be flying back to New York. Rachel stayed up till midnight but Riccardo did not come back to the house either. It was a tough day.
Breakfast the next morning felt more like a duel than a meal. Alexandra might have been feeling chastened but that did not change her attitude to her bother Rachel made toast and refereed until they were both persuaded to go to school. She sank back, exhausted, but there was no respite. She had to go to work and she was already late.
‘I know. I know,’ she said to Geoff as she slid in through the swing-doors. ‘Again. Mr Jensen been asking for me?’
The security guard shifted uncomfortably. ‘Not Mr Jensen.’
Rachel raised her eyes to heaven. ‘Clients! My stars. How do they find these things out? I was supposed to be in Aberdeen. Some of them must know when I change my toothpaste.’
Geoff grinned and indicated the private lift with a raised eyebrow.
‘You’re probably right,’ agreed Rachel. ‘The back stairs it is.’
She slipped round his desk gratefully. She was not so grateful when she reached her own floor. Her imagined client was already there, propping up the wall. He was clearly waiting for her.
Rachel’s heart lurched. She felt a rush of warmth so great that it must have shown on her face. And then she remembered that he had walked out. She had no right to feel that gladness at the sight of him. She was only laying up hurt for herself all over again.
She nearly retreated back into the lift. But the doors had closed. So there was no alternative. Rachel stepped forward, her head high.
‘Good morning.’
But Riccardo seemed to have lost patience with the courtesies. His jaw was tight. He had every appearance of a man looking for a fight.
‘No, it isn’t. It’s a bloody awful morning. Where the hell have you been?’
Rachel stared. ‘Keeping my stepchildren from each other’s throats and getting them off to school,’ she said literally.
His eyes narrowed. ‘I thoughts nothing came between you and your work?’
She remembered telling him that. She shrugged uneasily. ‘Well—’
‘Or are children different? Is it only lovers who don’t count?’
This was a battle with a vengeance. Rachel’s face flamed. ‘We are not lovers,’ she choked. ‘You have no right—’
‘I have the right,’ Riccardo said softly. His eyes were narrowed to slits of fury. ‘I stood there yesterday and had to listen to you telling Lexy things you should have told me nine years ago. Don’t talk to me about rights.’
‘Oh,’ said Rachel.
‘And as for us not being lovers—what do you think we have been doing all this week?’
Rachel looked anxiously along the corridor. Fortunately there was no one in sight. Not that it would have deterred Riccardo from his purpose. That was all too evident. Rachel pressed her hands to her cheeks. Her face felt incandescent.
‘That was just sex,’ she managed.
Riccardo’s lips tightened. ‘Once. We slept together once.’
She flung her head back and glared at him. ‘Quite.’ There was a sizzling silence.
‘My God,’ he said slowly. ‘And I thought I never took anything on trust. I’m an amateur compared to you.’
Rachel sent him a glittering smile. ‘Experience.’
She began to turn away. He stopped her by the simple expedient of putting a hand on her arm. Rachel’s heart lurched again. The electrical recognition was still there.
In love with him and her body recognising his lightest touch! Heaven help me, she thought.
She shook him off and started off down the corridor. Her breathing was rapid. She hoped that he would ascribe it to the speed of her steps.
Riccardo kept pace with her. ‘You can’t walk away from me this time,’ he told her quietly. ‘I’m not letting it happen again.’
Rachel did not look at him. ‘You have no choice.’
He gave a soundless laugh. ‘Oh, yes, I have. This time I know what I’m dealing with.’
She stopped and swung round, glaring. ‘If you’re referring to the fact that I work for Bentley’s, forget it. I can get another job, like that.’ She snapped her fingers.
He looked amused for a moment. ‘I’m sure you can. I wouldn’t dream of using professional blackmail.’
‘Then—’
‘On the other hand,’ he went on smoothly, ‘we will be seeing each other all the time. Wouldn’t it be better to clear the air?’
Rachel looked at him scornfully. ‘Quite unnecessary. The first time we met you didn’t know who I was. We can go back to that.’
Riccardo shook his head. ‘Unrealistic. And I knew precisely who you were the moment you turned round when we were alone in the boardroom.’ He laughed softly. ‘Wild red hair all over the place, glaring at me. Of course I knew. I just had not made up my mind what to do about it.’
‘And when did you decide?’ Rachel said, goaded.
‘At the board meeting, of course. Watching you fight for what you believed in. I thought, She hasn’t changed.’ He smiled down at her. ‘I thought—I want her.’
Rachel was shaken. She had a sudden memory, almost physical, of the feeling she had had that first day when she’d seen him in the corridor. The precipice was still there; the mountain was still at her ba
ck. If anything it was even more cold and frightening.
Only, this time she knew what it was she was afraid of. It was not Riccardo di Stefano. It was herself. After all this time she was still in love with him. It looked as if she always would be. And all he could say was that he wanted her.
Rachel moistened dry lips. She said, ‘Well, it may be a shock to you but you’re not the only one involved here. I’ve taken some decisions too.’ She turned and faced him. ‘I don’t want to see you again, Riccardo. Please respect that. If you don’t, I shall leave Bentley’s.’
She turned away before she could see his reaction. She could feel him watching her as she walked down the corridor to her own office. But he did not follow her.
In her room she sank bonelessly into her chair. She felt slightly sick. She dropped her head in her hands. What had she done?
I couldn’t have taken it again, she told herself. I had to send him away. So Alexandra was right, said another part of her mind. You may not have outgrown normal feelings but you’ve dealt yourself out of living. Is that what you really want?
She rubbed her eyes. ‘What I really want is Riccardo di Stefano. For ever.’ She said it out loud. It sounded even worse than it felt. She winced. ‘Face it. For ever is not his style. So I can’t have him. So get on with your life, Rachel.’
She tried. She really tried for the whole day. By the end of it, her temples were throbbing with the effects of her mighty efforts. It did not seem to make much difference. Every time the door opened she looked up, half in hope, half in dread. It was never Riccardo.
When it was completely dark outside, she stood up, her hands to her aching back. She looked at her watch. Seven o’clock. He must be halfway over the Atlantic by now.
Her computer beeped. Wearily Rachel pushed buttons to retrieve the message. It was from Mandy.
Rachel, Hugh rang. Gas switched off at home. There’s no heating and no hot water. So he and Alexandra have gone to Gilly’s. I booked you a room at the Langbourne. Have a good weekend.
Great, thought Rachel. Still, thank God for secretaries with the initiative to save her from a freezing house. She rang Gilly.
‘Yes, the children are here. Don’t worry about a thing. They’re actually talking to each other.’
The Innocent and the Playboy Page 17