by Gemma Snow
Not physically cheating, maybe, but that wasn’t fucking. That was making love. And in order to make love…
Nope. No way, no how, nope, nope, nope. Except…
“So instead of talking about how your feelings for Lucas go deeper than you want to admit—confusing feelings, because, of course, you still love Quinn from the bottom of your heart—you ran away and hid in the barn so you don’t have to face them.”
Lily Hollis was damn smart for being such a little bit of a thing.
“Who said anything about love?” Ev asked. Psh, she had, with the infusion of misery in the question.
“You didn’t need to say a damn thing,” Maddy said. “We get it. We’ve both been there, remember? This isn’t simple territory to navigate, maybe even more complicated for you than it was for either of us. But it’s not impassable.”
Ev shook her head. “I’m not having this conversation. I’m in love with Quinn. I’m going to go home to DC and everything is going to go back to normal.”
Lily cocked her head, sending a cascade of hair swishing all around her.
“Is it?” The question didn’t push. It was a simple, basic, common question. And Ev couldn’t answer it honestly without facing up to some pretty raw truths. Because no, things weren’t going to go back to normal, not when every time she saw Lucas fresh out of the shower, she would remember all he had done to her body, all that lay below his simple towel. Not when every time he had a woman over, she would be undoubtedly overtaken with a need to throttle the woman in his room, the one who wasn’t her. Not when every time she made love with Quinn, she would be remembering that night and wondering if he knew how she felt, hoping he didn’t because she’d never, ever want to hurt him.
“What do I do?”
She hadn’t meant to ask the question, but it had come whispering out, soft and fragile, the very first admission she had ever spoken aloud of maybe, actually potentially…trying? Was that even the right word? God, she didn’t know. She didn’t know jack.
“It depends on what you want,” Lily said cheerfully. “That’s the question you have to answer first. What do you want, Ev?”
And that was the question Ev had been denying for five months, two weeks and a handful of days, since Quinn had first kissed her on the balcony at the Greek embassy or she had kissed him, and she had allowed herself to be happy, to be so, so happy, until two nights later, when the dreams had first started coming—dreams that looked a whole hell of a lot like exactly what they’d done last night. And this morning.
What do I want?
It was absolute madness to ever consider it, and yet… It was that and yet hanging over her, making Ev doubt. She didn’t like to doubt. In fact, she wasn’t very good at doubting herself. But this…this wasn’t a one-decision kind of thing.
She looked down at her toes. She hadn’t even laced the winter boots properly—she’d been in such a hurry to get out of the room, before she hurt someone, before she said something that would undoubtedly change all their futures forever, before she hurt herself.
Could that have anything to do with the fact that your feelings are pretty freaking strong?
Yeah, that was something to consider. Not only were her feelings strong, but now that she’d gone ahead and actually been with Lucas, with Lucas and Quinn at the same time, they weren’t only strong, but also impossible to ignore.
Finally, she looked up. Maddy and Lily were both watching her, twin expressions of empathy and concern on their pretty faces. Because, of course, they’d both been where she was now, wondering what the fuck?, wondering why the hell? And it had worked for both of them, which was just about the only reason Ev was considering it, whatever the fuck it actually was, because she sure as shit didn’t have a clue.
“I’m scared,” she admitted. She’d chased serial killers down alleyways, rescued hostages in basements and gone head to head with some of the worst scum the world had to offer, and it was this, this baring of her heart and soul, this showing of vulnerability, this chance to get her heart thoroughly and completely broken, that scared her more than all the rest.
“Of what?” Lily’s voice was kind and a little too knowing for Ev’s taste. But Ev had seen the way Micah and Dec both looked at her—and more, for that matter, and there was no question in her mind that their relationship, and the one Maddy shared with Ryder and Christian, was as real as any she’d ever seen.
“All of it?” Ev shrugged. “Hell, I’ve only acknowledged to myself in the last five minutes that my feelings for Lucas are real, that the dreams I’ve been having are because I want him more than I’ll allow myself to admit. This is new. It’s a lot. And I’m really worried someone is going to get hurt.” Because Ev knew to the depths of her heart that being the cause of a rift between the three of them, that hurting Quinn or Lucas or both of them, as was so very possible, would burn her worse than any pain she might endure herself. Heartbreak was almost inevitable here.
“When I first thought I had feelings for the guys,” Lily said, “Maddy gave me some advice. The way we love, the way we live our lives—it’s complicated, but it’s not impossible. The trick is not having any secrets, no unanswered questions, any sense of not knowing the score. That’s when you have trouble. If you want to know what the next step to take here is, Ev, that’s a simple one. Go talk to them. See what they want. See how they feel. Work through it together.”
She paused. “Or don’t. You love Quinn and it’s clear he loves you. If that’s the life you want to lead, then follow that path. But if doing so makes it feel like you’re ripping part of yourself in half, then there’s your answer.”
Ripping part of yourself in half. Yup, Lily knew exactly what was going through Ev’s mind. Ev nodded.
“You’re right,” she said. Her voice cracked and Maddy smiled at her. Lily reached out and patted the top of her hand. “You’re used to keeping all your emotions compartmentalized and organized and locked up tight, you think we don’t get that? But this, this is going to take some unlocking to get through—and it’ll be worth it, Ev. Because heads or tails, at least you’ll know the score and you can move forward from there.”
As Ev walked down the path and back toward her small guest house after hugging both Hollis women, who had departed in a rush to fix some wedding-related emergency, she thought about those last words Lily had shared. At least you’ll know. That was surprisingly important, it turned out. Because she’d been living in an odd limbo, ever since she and Quinn had kissed for the very first time, not truly understanding how to share or organize her affections for the two most important men outside her family. Hell, to Ev they had always been family. And now she understood why. One way or the other, she’d finally know how to move forward.
She was so deep in thought she almost walked straight into someone who was coming up the path. Ev stumbled, tripped on a root covered in the new snow and landed square on her ass in a pile of the stuff. Thank God there’s still time for a shower before the wedding starts.
Nursing wounded pride and a bruised butt, but nothing else, Ev went to right herself and apologize to whomever she’d walked into, when a hand appeared in front of her face. It was bare, no glove or mittens, despite the blistering cold, and the skin was rough and ragged, slightly discolored and a little bruised. It could have been a working man’s hand, but before Ev could figure out what kind of working man, she looked up and saw Sam’s brother, Zach Hawkins.
She nodded and took his hand, releasing it the moment she was steady on her feet. The man had a disconcerting gaze. It wasn’t all that different from Sam’s piercing blue eyes, but Sam smiled often and easily and made the color joyful and bright. On the man before her, the color was a stark, cold burn, seeping and hollow, like the frost all around them.
“I came down to your cottage to tell you that Quinn and Lucas are in Aimee’s room,” he said, and Ev realized she hadn’t heard his voice once in the three days since their arrival. It was slow and gravelly and filled her with an odd
sense of relief that they had crossed paths here on the walkway between the main houses and not when she was alone in her cabin. Not that she wasn’t capable of defending herself, but there was no move to protect against the heebie-jeebies.
Scared of the boogey man too?
Lucas called it her Spidey-sense, but Ev just thought of it as good instinct, and something about Zacharias Hawkins had her hackles up. Well, more up, given that they’d been up since day one where the man was concerned. Still, she couldn’t pin a guy for being a creep. Maybe she’d started looking for the worst in everyone. A job like hers could really do that to a person.
“Thanks for relaying the message,” she said, a lot more cheerfully than she spoke on even the best day. He didn’t move and she just gave him a big smile. “Anyway, it’s an exciting day and I know we all have a lot to do.”
After a moment of awkward silence, and maybe on purpose stretching it to the point where it wasn’t just awkward but uncomfortable, Zacharias continued.
“Samantha wants you to come to her room when you’re ready,” he added. Then, finally, he turned around and started heading back up the hill. Samantha, that was odd. She’d been Sam for as long as Ev had known her, and the long-term instructors had all called her Sam, which meant the nickname couldn’t have been new. She shrugged. Probably a leftover from their childhood. She still called Aurora a two-faced, B-cup witch when they fought.
Still, even as she headed down the rest of the path and began to prepare herself for the wedding, Ev couldn’t help but think she was missing something where Zacharias Hawkins was concerned.
Chapter Thirteen
I’m scared.
Those words played over and over again in Quinn’s mind, as he walked too quickly to Holmwood Manor and Aimee’s room. Lucas was already there, undoubtedly flirting with Aimee’s hot sisters. The call from Brandenwell had taken longer than Quinn had expected or wanted, to be honest, and he’d raced back to the cabin to find it empty, with a note from Lucas explaining that he’d gone to Aimee’s room to prep the wedding party stuff and to come meet them as soon as he could.
That was it, nothing about the bomb of a confession Lucas had dropped on him not two hours earlier. Nothing about the secret his best friend had clearly been harboring for months, if not longer. Nothing about this cracked-ass plan to move across the country, back home, as far away from Quinn and Ev as he could get in the continental United States, and Lucas had never been one for the cold weather.
None of that. Just Aimee wants the wedding party to meet early. Meet us when you can. Scrawled below was Aimee’s room number in Holmwood Manor.
And that was all before Quinn had overheard the conversation that brought his today’s been sort of complicated level to DEFCON 1.
He hadn’t been eavesdropping. The truth of the matter was that he had been fucking desperate to think about something other than the expression on Ev’s face that morning, or the wretched look in Lucas’ eyes. I’m in love with her, man. Because, oh yeah, Quinn fucking got how being in love with Ev Monteiro was just about enough to ruin a man. He understood that and then some.
And if the puzzle pieces fit, if he’d lined up all his numbers in pretty little rows and columns, then the only reason Ev shared a bed with him every night—well, every night they were home at the same time—was because of timing and some damn good luck. Nothing else. Because Quinn had started to suspect her reasoning for running off, for losing her damn mind over a night that should have been nothing more than fun entertainment, looked a lot like the reason Lucas wanted to move halfway across the world.
And that particular theory had been verified in neon lights when the conversation Quinn had not been eavesdropping on in order to clear his damn mind and put on a happy face for two of his best friends’ wedding, had turned out to be the one where Ev seriously considered her feelings for them. Both of them.
I’m scared.
Because, of course, if she was somehow in love with both of them, Ev’s only concern would be finding a way through the muck and madness to ensure none of them got hurt. Hell, he had no doubt in his mind that her wretched look, the desperation and the sadness and the fear, had a hell of a lot to do with his feelings.
Quinn tested himself. He thought about the way she had looked tucked into Lucas’ warm embrace when he’d come back in from speaking with Lydia Brandenwell. Thought about what they had clearly done before falling asleep.
Lucas and Ev. Ev and Lucas. Together.
It made him feel…
Nothing.
Because until the night he’d kissed her, it had been Lucas and Ev and Quinn. It had been Ev and Quinn and Lucas. It had been Quinn and Lucas and Ev. The idea of bringing more emotion, deeper, more intense, erotic emotion into the mix, didn’t feel nearly as uncomfortable as Quinn had expected it to.
Which, of course, made him feel more than a little uncomfortable. Men were supposed to stomp their feet and fight for their mates. For all intents and purposes, he should have been beating his chest, throwing Ev over his shoulder and telling Lucas to hit the road, scram, LA isn’t far enough.
But not only did he loathe the idea of taking Ev’s power from her—as if he’d ever even get the opportunity—but Quinn didn’t want to do a damn one of those things.
I bet Ev could have a field day psychoanalyzing this.
This being the fact that the idea of his girlfriend and their best friend in bed together didn’t scare him.
Fuck.
Because if it didn’t scare him, at least, not nearly as much as he wanted it to, and Ev had already come to a dangerous conclusion of her own, then Lucas was the only holdout.
Jesus motherfucking Christ. How? How has it all gotten so fucking complicated in a matter of less than twelve hours?
But, of course, when he took the steps to the second floor of Holmwood Manor two at a time and thought over the last five years, Quinn knew this hadn’t come about in twelve hours. This had come about the same way his own feelings for Ev had come about, over the span of months and years, over late-night pizza and watching reruns of Saturday Night Live, over the PTSD they all suffered for different reasons, but had weathered together, over the bond of the madness of their jobs, the rough life of an FBI agent, the empty apartment they all shared, the camaraderie of demanding families.
They had been friends first, but somewhere, for each of them, that had changed—so naturally and simply it had almost been imperceptible. Until Quinn and Ev had first kissed at the embassy party. Until they’d all made love together and he hadn’t lost his damn mind from jealousy.
Which meant… Which meant it was time to face the music. Because if Lucas left, then he’d be taking part of Ev with him. Quinn had always been a confident man. He had the president’s personal number in his cell. He won more cases than he lost. He was the second in command to Lydia fucking Brandenwell. He knew his own worth and exactly how hard it had been won.
But he also knew that whether or not Ev and Lucas knew it, if Lucas left for LA, if Lucas left Ev, then Quinn wouldn’t be enough for her. In a way, the maddest, craziest, most insane sacrifice he’d ever considered making—and he’d walked empty-handed into more than a few terrorist situations—was also the most selfish. He couldn’t lose Ev. And, in many ways, some related and some not, he couldn’t lose Lucas either.
Which, of course, meant accepting something he’d never even considered before coming out here. Because if he couldn’t accept it himself, then he sure as shit wouldn’t be able to get Lucas or Ev to accept it either. After this wedding was over, tonight, when they were all happy and relieved and had time to talk, he’d bring it up. And if the thought that it might not work made his heart race and his palms sweat just a little, well, Quinn wasn’t going to think too much about it. For now, though, he pushed all the madness from his mind. It was Sam and Aimee’s wedding and they damn well deserved the happiest day ever, not a distracted groomsman. So he plastered an easy smile on his face, raised his hand and knocked on A
imee’s door.
The mess hall cleaned up nicely. After comforting Ev in the barn, Maddy and Lily had turned their meeting and eating space into a winter wonderland, accentuated by the beautiful, sparkling snow outside. A silvery blue arbor had been set up before the fireplace, with droplets of glittering glass hanging from the top. Beside the awning was room for the wedding party, Aimee’s to the right and Sam’s to the left. The distinctions were arbitrary, since they’d all been a tight-knit group of friends from the start, but Ev’s jaw had almost hit the floor when she’d first seen Lucas and Quinn standing beside Aimee’s beautiful sisters, practicing their positions.
The soft silver color made Quinn’s green eyes sparkle, bright and mischievous, and made Lucas look like a pirate with his long, dark hair. She had to admit that the shimmery silver dress she wore to stand on Sam’s side of the ceremony made her feel a little like a princess. Or a warrior princess, since all the dresses had been accentuated with faux fur shawls and seriously kickass heeled winter boots. Ev could definitely get used to this style.
Of course, it was going to take a lot more than warrior princess boots to make her feel ready to have the conversation she’d told the Hollis sisters she was going to have. She wasn’t scared by nature. Experiencing what she had at a young age, pushing herself hard to get the necessary degrees, going through strenuous training to get qualified and, of course, the horrors she witnessed pretty much on the regular, had all immunized her to the kind of fear most civilians felt. But this coming conversation, after the wedding had come to a close and she finally got the men to herself—it scared the ever-loving shit out of her. Because throughout all the rest, the memories of her childhood, the daily riot of hunting down serial killers, Lucas and Quinn had always been at her back.
Imagining trying to get through the rest of the nonsense without them was one of the scariest things she had ever faced. And more proof yet of how her feelings for both men were more complicated and deeper-reaching than friendship.