“You better think fast,” Madison laughed.
“Flash is the protector of the books,” I said.
“Witchcraft delights in confounding its creator,” Madison said.
“You’re saying that Flash was created to destroy the books?” I asked. “He just went haywire?”
“What are the books?” Madison asked. “Think beyond the surface.”
“They’re safes that cannot be opened,” I said.
“What is within them?” Madison asked.
“Witchcraft,” I said.
“How do you propose we break into the books if not with the fire that is protecting them?” Madison asked.
“Flash isn’t going to bend to your will no matter how stupendous it is,” I said.
The flaming ape was peering down at us. He appeared to be hanging on our every word. He seemed to be taking some sort of fiery notes in a flaming notebook. There was a lot to admire in that cantankerous beast. Thoroughness was a quality that I always admired in my prospective assassins. Why should I dignify your death threat if you can’t follow through with extreme thoroughness?
“We would never try to convince that beast of anything,” Madison said. “We will use him against his will to burn this library to the ground. Kill him too.”
The flaming ape let out a stupendous roar. Apparently English was in his flaming vernacular. That beast could stretch himself out a bit on the page, I imagined. Why not flaming ape? Reach for the stars, my man. Go big or go home as they say. Clearly you are home.
Chapter
Monstrous books began hurtling towards us. They had faces that were carved in wood and leather. They were shuttered with golden clasps. They were burned and tattered. They were heaps of parchment tied together with leather straps. They were massive scrolls on wooden rollers. They took one mean look at us and boomeranged back. Back, back to the solar system. It was clear that they did not have a favorable view of the library patrons.
“They’re reading my murderous intent,” Madison laughed. “It’s about time.”
“What do they know other than the wisdom of the ancients?” I asked ironically.
“Ancient wisdom is overrated,” Madison snorted. “That’s why they want to read my mind. They need new ideas.”
“The books can read our minds?” I asked.
“Don’t worry,” Madison said. “I’m not divulging my plan of attack.”
“How can you not divulge your plan of attack?” I asked. “They can read your thoughts.”
“Well,” Madison said. “I would have to have a plan of attack.”
“You don’t have a plan of attack?” I practically shouted.
“If I had one,” Madison said. “They would be the first to know it. What good would my plan of attack be then?”
“What are you going to do?” I asked.
“I’m going to improvise a plan of attack,” Madison said. “They’ve left me no choice. I’m going to freewheel. Get a bit jazzy in my plan of attack.”
“You’re letting them know that?” I asked.
“How else am I going to get them to go after me?” Madison asked. “I have to give them something. I’m deadly enough to pull it off. They know that.”
“What did you tell them?” I asked.
“I’m still thinking about how to break the news,” Madison said.
“You’re thinking of making a death threat on the wisdom of the ancients?” I demanded. “Can you even do that?”
“We’ll find out,” Madison shrugged.
“I think we should casually back out of here,” I said.
“We’re here to destroy you!” Madison shouted. “We’re going to destroy the faculty too! You’re all dead! That should do it.”
“Now I think the tour of the library is concluded,” I said.
“The flaming ape is still taking notes,” Madison laughed. “I’ve made my murderous intentions perfectly clear. Let’s get this show on the road, gentleman. Shall we? I’m here to destroy you.”
The flaming ape stopped taking flaming notes. He peered down at Madison and me. He seemed too furious to roar.
“I don’t want a trial,” Madison said. “I’m pleading guilty, you stupid monkey.”
“Do you really want to taunt him?” I asked.
“I’m coming for you!” Madison shouted.
The flaming ape resumed taking notes.
“Why are we still standing here?” I asked.
“Watch how the books call a meeting to order,” Madison said.
“You wanted to show me this?” I demanded
“It’s quite fascinating,” Madison said.
The librarian was now reporting what Madison had said to a security force of books. He read from his fiery notes. The security force of books then sent a messenger into the main cloud. The galaxy of books began to reorganize itself. It was like watching a building go up without any workers. The books constructed a massive coliseum around the flaming ape. Would they try to feed us to him for sport?
The galaxy of knowledge was having some sort of trial in the coliseum. The books seemed to be having a lively debate. Monstrous books were shouting at each other in mumbo jumbo. Countless books were howling. It was quite disordered. Knowledge was a violent mess, I guess.
“I’m heartened that there is justice in this world,” I said. “I’m just a little distressed that I’m going to be on the brunt end of it.”
“They don’t just feed you to the flaming ape without a trial,” Madison shrugged.
“They go through the formality of a kangaroo court,” I said.
“They aren’t going to call us in our own defense,” Madison said.
“You’ve already pleaded guilty for us,” I said.
“They are condemning us to death,” Madison laughed. “That’s one sentence in mumbo jumbo that I know. It’s music to my ears. I was afraid that we might get life without parole in a book.”
“They are doing what?” I asked as I watched giant books breaking off the coliseum and go into formation above us. “I didn’t do anything.”
“You got lumped in with me,” Madison said. “Sorry.”
“I got lumped in you?” I gasped. “Sorry is all you can say? You just got me condemned to death.”
“We condemn you to death!” Madison shouted. “We will kill you all!”
“Count me out,” I said. “I’m going to run for it.”
“We’re going to fly,” Madison said and grabbed my arm. “I’m sure you’ll do fine.”
I suddenly realized that we were flying for the door of the library. Or rather Madison was dragging me through the air towards the door. We were hurtling through the air?
“How about helping with the flying,” Madison shouted as we wheeled our way through a tornado of books. Monstrous books were chasing after us. Their jaws were snapping at us. Knowledge was on our heels. It wanted to kill us too which was pretty cool.
“I don’t know how to fly,” I shouted.
“Hang on,” Madison said.
Madison banked up sharply. She briefly outran the books. She flew up into the coliseum. The books flew after us like a tornado of trailers. They were chasing us around the coliseum. The coliseum was cheering in mumbo jumbo. The flaming ape ran towards us. He was bellowing brimstone. Madison flew right at him.
Madison dropped me.
“Think quickly,” she said.
She banked down. The wall of books crashed through the flaming ape. The books ignited. They went screaming in all directions with flames lashing off them. The coliseum exploded into flames as I fell toward the ceiling.
Chapter
I fell into one of the books when Madison dropped me. The book opened its mouth and devoured me. The belly of the book was a pirate ship.
I was standing in the Captain’s Quarters. A vast emerald ocean stretched out the window. The inside of the book was a pirate ship? And it was on a seemingly endless emerald ocean? Finally witchcraft had gotten something right. I was i
n the market for a cheeseburger in paradise.
“I’m in the head while Rome burns,” a gruff voice said. “I’ll deal with you, Booster Boo, as soon as I finish my toilet. I don’t want to die in this condition. My coffin is old fashioned and not commodious. I haven’t been in it in over four hundred years. The last time I paid that blessed box a visit was during The Great War. There is no telling what sort of appalling condition it is in now.”
“No hurry,” I said. “You’re on the toilet while Rome burns.”
“Exactly,” he laughed.
I heard a splash. It sounded like a stone was thrown overboard. A privy door opened and out walked a pirate. I caught a glimpse of the head. It was a rope net that was suspended over the emerald ocean.
“I would have put in a better head if I had known that I would be stranded in the doldrums for four hundred years living on rum and hard tack,” he said. “Eating is a punishment in the doldrums.”
“Should have planned ahead,” I said.
“I’m Professor Coffin,” he said. “Welcome aboard my galleon.”
He was wiping his hands on his pantaloons.
“Who are you?” I asked.
“The Headmaster of the Coffin Island for Witches,” Professor Coffin grinned. “You fell right to the top. How are you adjusting to your new school?”
“I was just devoured by a book,” I said. “And now I am on a pirate ship? How do you think that I am adjusting?”
“Would you prefer to be back in the library with Madison Kidd?” he asked.
“What is happening to her?” I asked.
“She is taking quite a beating from the remaining books,” he said. “She seems to be enjoying it though.”
“Send me back to the library,” I said. “I want to help her.”
“Madison is a marvelous fighter,” Professor Coffin marveled. “I couldn’t hold a candle to her even during The Great War when I was the most powerful pirate on the emerald ocean. I could not have taken on the entire library of The Coffin Island School for Witches single-handedly. Not on your life.”
“Witches are getting better every day unlike everything else in this demented world,” I sneered.
“It’s the fine work of this institution,” Professor Coffin agreed. “You wouldn’t think that my methods would work but they most certainly do.”
“What is happening to Madison right now?” I asked.
“The Boosterks are trying to kill her,” Professor Coffin laughed. “I thought we already covered that.”
“Put her in her coffin?” I asked. “Or feed her to Flash?”
“Feed her to Flash, of course,” Professor Coffin said. “We’re playing for keeps today.”
“Will they succeed?” I asked. “That’s what I am asking.”
“I certainly hope not,” he said. “It would be a credit to this fine institution if one pupil could kill the entire library of The Coffin Island School for Witches. Don’t you think?”
“Sounds pretty prestigious to me,” I said.
“It will be if she kills all the books,” Professor Coffin said. “Madison has put half of them in their coffins already. The entire faculty couldn’t conquer that library. Flying into that flaming ape was brilliant.”
“Why are you letting the books attack her?” I asked.
“She threatened to kill all of us,” Professor Coffin said. “She didn’t just threaten to kill the books. She threatened to kill the faculty too. The audacity of that girl is quite stunning. A rank amateur and she just threatens death to all of us? It’s quite stupendous.”
“You could have stopped that,” I said.
“Why would I do that?” Professor Coffin said. “I have a wager on Madison.”
“You bet on Madison killing the library and the faculty?” I asked. “What kind of Headmaster are you?”
“I was demoted to this position for drunkenness,” Professor Coffin grinned. “It seemed hopeless being the Janitor on Coffin Island in spite of the prestige of the position. How could one witch, even one as powerful as me, clean up the magical mess that is The Coffin Island School for Witchcraft? I grew depressed. I started drinking rum for breakfast. Now I can drink as much as I like. Do anything I like. Coffin Island has rewarded my irresponsibility. I am The Headmaster of The Coffin Island School for Witches for life. What do you propose I do?”
“How about you don’t bet on the pupils killing the library and the faculty,” I practically shouted.
“Betting on Madison seemed like a reasonable solution,” he said. “It was highly popular among the faculty especially the uneducated ones. The books didn’t get a vote because I wouldn’t give them one. They’re our jailors. You don’t permit them the vote.”
“I hope she kills you all,” I said.
“Me too,” Professor Coffin said. “My wager is substantial.”
“I can’t believe that you are running the school,” I said.
“It’s a mystery,” Professor Coffin nodded. “I tried to drink to get away from The Coffin Island School for Witches. Now I have to run it in perpetuity. It doesn’t seem entirely fair especially when I have to take so much criticism especially from the new arrivals like you. The letters from the alumni are particularly horrendous too.”
“Why don’t you step down?” I asked.
“It’s a terminal position,” Professor Coffin coughed. “I’ve been in charge of this magical mess for four hundred years. I can’t endure this position much longer. What do you propose I do?”
“Is that why you are betting on Madison?” I asked.
“Madison has been the interim Headmaster for sometime now,” he said. “I have been relying on her for all my decisions.”
“What?” I shouted. “How could Madison be running the school? She hates this place.”
“I have been stealing her ideas for some time now,” he said. “I don’t have any ideas of my own. Four hundred years of the doldrums has emptied my mind out.”
“You don’t have any ideas of your own?” I asked.
“Of course not,” he said. “You’re looking at an empty birdcage, cuckoo.”
Professor Coffin poured himself a tumbler of rum.
“Have some rum,” he suggested. “I have no authority.”
“You have no authority?” I said.
“I’m the figurehead on the prow of a ghost ship,” Professor Coffin said. “How could anyone run this magical mess? They put a drunken janitor in charge four hundred years ago. Not only have the witches not objected. My rule has been immensely popular. Truthfully it’s had its ups and downs. What are you going to do? You can’t please them all. Sometimes I’m just blacked out on rum. There is that too. It’s a bit of a mystery actually. I can’t tell you precisely what’s been going on here. It doesn’t look very good from my vantage point.”
“What do you want from me?” I asked.
“You boarded my ship,” Professor Coffin said. “What do you want from me?”
I struggled to come up with something to ask for from this drunken bum of a pirate.
“I want to get off this ship,” I said.
“Jump off the back,” Professor Coffin suggested. “Use the privy door.”
He picked up a cutlass off the floor.
“Take this cutlass,” Professor Coffin said. “Kill them all.”
“What will happen to me?” I asked as I took the cutlass and swung the blade towards him.
“I don’t know,” Professor Coffin shrugged. “The mermaids in the emerald ocean will capture you. Or you will land back in the library. Flash will attack you. The books will attack you. You will probably end up in the coffin room somehow. Your powers have yet to fully come up. You’re vulnerable. Why do you care?”
“I have to get back to the library,” I said fiercely. “I have to help Madison.”
“You didn’t threaten a member of the faculty which explains why you are here on my galleon,” he said. “This is not my fault.”
“You’re a member of th
e faculty,” I said and ran the cutlass right through him.
Blood poured out of him savagely but Professor Coffin was strangely thrilled.
“You’re the new Headmaster,” Professor Coffin chocked on bloody laughter before he disappeared.
I jumped out the privy door into the emerald ocean. A door opened up in the emerald ocean. And I fell right through it. The lights went out for a brief moment like someone was changing the reel on an old fashioned movie as I fell through the door in the ocean. Then we lurched forward. Someone was definitely manipulating this test that was The Coffin Island School for Witchcraft. I had just passed something which I had been expected to fail. Or at least that’s what I thought. My course had just been altered. Of this much I was certain. So that’s how you do it on Coffin Island? Kill whatever is in your path.
Chapter
I landed on the library floor which had somehow righted itself. The books were largely back on the walls in the stacks. Madison was feeding the remaining volumes to Flash. He seemed to be dying a death of excess. He was a massively bloated fireball. He was desperately trying to refuse the final books. Madison was shoving them down his throat with fireplace tongs.
The books were being reduced to ash inside Flash. New books were being born inside him. They were flying up to the stacks. Fire wasn’t the ultimate death for books. Burning them was giving them new life. Madison had been correct after all.
Also burning books was an indicator of their power. You wouldn’t burn something that wasn’t a threat. You would just hurl it in the ashcan like so much trash. Perhaps there was some logic to this test that we were attempting to pass.
There was a steady stream of faculty witches walking into the library. Their faces were covered in stitches. They appeared to be deeply unhappy with the new order. Why weren’t they happy to be free? Coffin Island was back doing the unpredictable act. There we were getting along for a brief moment? I knew it couldn’t last.
“Headmaster Boo,” Madison laughed. “Professor Coffin gave me the good news.”
Coffin Island Page 3