“If we are on the topic of what we are not doing,” Professor Coffin said. “I am not making the customary phone call from prison.”
“You’ll make that customary phone call if I take you prisoner,” Kaiser barked.
“Who would he call?” Madison snorted.
“I don’t have any friends,” Professor Coffin sniffed. “No one will have me.”
“Booster or Madison is going to have to take your call if I take you prisoner,” Kaiser said. “Take it up with them.”
“What say you, men?” Professor Coffin asked. “Which one of you pupils will take my call? I’m in desperate need of a friend.”
“I’m not taking your call,” I said.
“Don’t look at me,” Madison said.
“That’s why I refuse to do it,” Professor Coffin said. “I won’t be humiliated in the can.”
“Looks like you’re out of luck on being taken prisoner in this world, Professor Coffin,” Kaiser said.
“Appeal,” Professor Coffin shouted.
“How do we get out of here?” I asked.
“Show us the exit,” Madison said.
“I demand a shower,” Professor Coffin said. “I’m aged and I’m filthy. Work with me here, people.”
“He’s been a fugitive for four hundred years,” Madison snorted.
“You can’t get out here,” Kaiser said.
“Nobody gets out alive,” Madison snorted.
“You see our dilemma,” I said.
“I certainly wasn’t expecting to leave,” Professor Coffin huffed.
“You have to take us prisoner,” Madison said.
“What kind of blasted hoosegow is this anyway?” Professor Coffin demanded.
“He isn’t going to take us prisoner,” I groaned
“That’s the first step towards setting you free,” Kaiser said. “You’re the last free witches in creation.”
“You’ve already captured us,” Madison said.
“We showed up,” I said. “Give it up.”
“Stop lollygagging,” Professor Coffin bellowed. “I’ve been steaming towards this gulag for four centuries.”
“I’m commuting your sentence, Professor Coffin,” Kaiser said. “You’re free to go. I’d rather go to prison myself than take you prisoner. I don’t care about the magical repercussions. There are things that you can’t be forced to do even in this world. I’d rather turn this gun on myself.”
“We hear you, hound,” I said.
Perhaps Kaiser wasn’t running the show.
“Good call, Kaiser,” Madison said.
“My attorney shall hear about this,” Professor Coffin fumed. “He’s a very crude werewolf.”
Chapter
“I’ll take Madison and Booster prisoner even though I don’t want too,” Kaiser said. “Will that satisfy all of you?”
“Sounds good to me,” I said.
“No complaints here,” Madison said.
“What have I done to deserve this injustice?” Professor Coffin demanded. “I’ve been a model criminal.”
Kaiser continued to try to push all of us into the emerald ocean with the glass Cadillac but we were artfully dodging his ramming efforts. The primordial sharks looked particularly hungry. It was becoming increasingly clear that Kaiser was attempting to amend the deal after we had negotiated and settled. He was a fine attorney even if he was a wolfhound. Why not cheat your adversary after you’ve won to make your victory more pronounced? Give the vanquished one last trounce. It serves you right for negotiating with the untrustworthy. Professor Coffin’s werewolf attorney was going to get a run for his money.
“I find witchcraft so amusing,” I said.
“I enjoy a good wombat too,” Madison snorted.
“I like how they swindle me,” I said.
“Refuse to take you prisoner,” Madison said.
“After they’ve agreed to do it,” I said.
“That piece of it is particularly annoying,” Madison agreed.
“A wombat can’t cheat a human?” Kaiser asked.
“A wombat can’t talk with a broken jaw,” Madison said.
“A dead human can’t make threats,” Kaiser said.
“It’s me that he has refused,” Professor Coffin growled. “I’m taking it personally because it’s me. Otherwise I wouldn’t take it personally at all. How can anyone here complain other than me? I’m the cheated party.”
“I’m not the one refusing to make the customary phone call from prison,” Kaiser countered.
“I won’t to be humiliated in the can,” Professor Coffin said. “I can’t have the other jailbirds laughing at me.”
“A four hundred year old pirate has a certain dignity,” Madison snorted.
Professor Coffin was standing there in his ancient drawers.
“Albeit burnished,” I said.
“I’m not taking his call,” Madison said.
“Don’t look at me,” I said.
“You’re just being mean spirited to the aged,” Professor Coffin huffed. “It’s ageism. You fear my belief system.”
“I’m not going to disagree,” I said. “It’s the only thing that we can hold over your head.”
“We’re not cooperating with you,” Madison said.
Professor Coffin looked like the stone in his chest was about to quit. He probably hadn’t been human in four hundred years. Maybe his stone was ticking down. He definitely hadn’t been without a drink in four centuries. He was probably going through rum withdrawal. Delirium tremens seemed to suit him well. It balanced out his baseline confusion. The hallucinations and crippling anxiety weren’t that bad for him. He could shake it off. What were a few pink elephants to him? He’d hunted a pink whale in his youth. Pink elephants were a happy regression.
“Let’s be reasonable, hound,” Professor Coffin sputtered. “You’ve got to make one of these pupils take my customary phone call as a condition of my incarceration. We can’t lower ourselves to the level of savages with bones through our noses like my old bedfellow that Injun.”
“You’re selling us out again?” Madison laughed.
“He refuses to buy me,” Professor Coffin pouted.
“He thought he would try his hand at selling us,” I said.
“He’s very good at it,” Madison said.
“We’ve all got our areas of excellence, pupils,” Professor Coffin said. “I excel at selling youth down the river.”
“You should pull a runner, Professor Coffin,” Kaiser suggested. “There are plenty of places to hide in Old Havana in glass.”
“You’ll probably be safe there,” Madison snorted.
“Listen to your gut,” I suggested.
“I’m going to pull a runner, mates,” Professor Coffin said. “This blasted hound is impervious to reason. I’m going to take my chances in Old Havana in glass. I’m long overdue for a snoot. My heart is racing like a filly with the whip upon his croup. The pink camels are closing in on me.”
“I thought they were pink elephants,” I said.
“Pink camels,” Professor Coffin confirmed.
“You don’t pull a runner when your magical jailor tells you to do it,” I said.
“Never listen to The Headmaster,” Kaiser said. “Particularly when he is a masked wolfhound presiding over a world of glass.”
“You should probably rethink your ignorance,” Madison said.
“Ignorance is my balm,” Professor Coffin said.
“At the very least you shouldn’t herald your ignorant intentions,” Madison said. “You just do whatever ignorant thing that you are going to do as surreptitiously as possible.”
“Is that how you demonstrate ignorance?” Professor Coffin asked. “It seems a bit complicated to me. I prefer to engage my ignorance as thoughtlessly as possible. I wheel right into it. It’s more astonishing that way.”
Professor Coffin pulled his runner. He was sprinting directly down the glass shoreline boulevard. He was putting distance over stealt
h. Was he was running towards something? Or running away from something? Perhaps he would find the answer on the streets of Old Havana in glass. The Red Lady might offer some enlightenment when she presented herself noose around her neck or whatever preferred suicide method. We all have one, I suppose.
“You might as well live,” Professor Coffin bellowed into the void as the pink camels nipped at his heels.
Chapter
“I don’t know if Professor Coffin is our suspect now,” I said.
“Kaiser could be a winner,” Madison agreed.
Kaiser gestured for us to climb aboard the glass Cadillac. It was the Caribbean version of the train to Siberia if you didn’t count the books swimming in it as well as the fiery monster in the muffler. However you don’t question reality if a talking wolfhound wearing a mask beckons you into a glass Cadillac. There are things in this world that are beyond reproach. A masked wolfhound in a glass Cadillac is critic proof especially when he’s packing heat.
“There isn’t enough room for three prisoners to ride comfortably in this glass Cadillac,” Kaiser explained. “I can only take two witches comfortably to glass Alcatraz.”
“You don’t have to explain to us that you don’t like stinky old pirates in your vehicle,” I said.
“My olfactory bulb is forty time yours,” Kaiser said.
We climbed aboard the Alcatraz express. It was quite commodious for a vehicle that contained all the knowledge of the ancients under the hood.
“You aren’t going to cuff us?” Madison asked.
“I’m not caving in to your demands,” Kaiser said.
“Crypt Island is a powder keg of witchcraft,” Madison laughed.
“It’s about to explode to our advantage,” I said.
“I knew it,” Madison said.
“The whole island is in magical backfire,” Kaiser admitted. “That’s why I refuse to do anything but ride around in this glass Cadillac like a despot in decline. It’s too dangerous to do anything else.”
“Witchcraft just happens around here?” Madison asked.
“It’s best to keep your mind as empty as possible,” Kaiser said. “Don’t give witchcraft anything to bounce off.”
“The creature at the top always has an empty birdcage,” I said.
“It’s a job qualification for the Headmaster,” Kaiser agreed.
“I wasn’t in the job long enough for the lobotomy to take hold,” I said.
“I’m going to finish the job with this shotgun,” Kaiser said casually like blowing your head off with a shotgun was no big deal.
Madison grabbed it and threw it out the window. Kaiser shrugged. His shrug seemed to suggest that he had other methods. Perhaps he was in-charge of our test. He was so indifferent that it made him a prime suspect at least in this world. The logic was always sort of backwards. The less you cared perhaps the more you cared.
I was frankly surprised that we weren’t growing backwards as we went through the test. Witchcraft hadn’t thought of it yet. I tried to banish the thought. I didn’t want to be in a diaper attempting to walk. We would never get through the test. Nanny goblins would drown us.
“The prisoners are taking over,” I said.
“This is a hostile takeover of the Crypt Island School for Witches by the pupils,” Madison said.
“Sounds good to me,” Kaiser said. “You can be in-charge of the riot at Alcatraz in glass.”
“Is there a riot going on right now?” Madison asked greedily.
“I don’t see any smoke right now,” Kaiser shrugged. “The prisoners like to nap but they’ll get their shanks out before dinner because there won’t be any supper without homicide.”
“Murder,” Madison said. “It’s what’s for dinner.”
“Cannibalism is probably on the menu too,” I said.
“You’re for dinner,” Kaiser laughed.
“Get in the backseat before I throw you onto the street,” Madison snapped.
Kaiser climbed into the backseat with a scowl on his face. Madison had pulled off his mask and thrown it out the window. I was considering throwing Kaiser out the window but then he would retrieve his gun. We didn’t want an armed wolfhound out there in the world. We’ve got to keep an eye on that creature seeing as he’s currently our only suspect for the architect of this test.
“I’ll drive,” I said.
“Sexism rears its ugly head in the land of witchcraft,” Madison snorted.
“The glass Cadillac drives itself,” Kaiser said. “Witchcraft has taken over the entire island.”
“We’ll see about that,” Madison snapped.
“You’re starting to feel like your old self,” I said.
“Wombats are really annoying,” Madison said.
“Humans too,” Kaiser said.
The glass Cadillac threw itself into gear. At least the glass vehicles were in good magical order. They could drive themselves. It took driver’s anxiety out of the equation. Although it was a little unsettling to think that some out-of-control force of the occult was driving this vehicle with me in it. I could feel the paranoia creeping up my back like a fire ant on the hunt for neck blood as we went cruising around Old Havana in glass. Fortunately Madison found a box of cigars in the glove box to settle my nerves.
“I feel like we conquered the city,” I said sarcastically while firing up a finely aged Cuban cigar. At least something was done right in this world. Only a madman could find fault with the cancer logs. What good is a throat if yelling doesn’t do you any good?
“Optimism will kill you faster than smoking in this world,” Madison laughed. “I’d inhale if I were you.”
“How was your trip?” a fierce little creature asked.
It had suddenly appeared in the backseat of the glass Cadillac.
“Wombats can make themselves invisible in this world?” I shuddered.
“Can you suddenly disappear?” Madison groaned.
“I was passed out under the backseat,” the fierce little creature explained. “I drank too much cobra venom.”
“That’s a relief,” Madison said.
The fierce little creature sat up in its glass seat. It looked like a cross between a skunk and a badger. It seemed like an appropriate wombat to be the ruler of this world. Kaiser was clearly neglecting his duties. Perhaps this wombat was the de facto ruler. Was this the wombat in the glass box pulling all the levers? I didn’t care if it was hooked on cobra venom. There are worse addictions than that.
“Are you in-charge here,” I asked. “I would like to speak to the wombat that’s running Crypt Island.”
I plan to kill it. Crush its head under the front wheel of the glass Cadillac. I kept that part under my hat. No sense in giving the tip off.
“That’s Honey Badger,” Madison said. “She’s the Queen of the Wombats.”
“I’m the Queen of the Wombats because I can eat anything,” Honey said.
She was currently eating a dead cobra. Her claws were enormous. I was beginning to see the hideous symmetry of this world.
“Aren’t you the feisty creature,” I marveled.
“Do you want a bite of cobra?” Honey asked. “I already ate the venom.”
“I ate right before the shipwreck,” I said and patted my empty stomach for emphasis.
“Cobra venom makes me pass out,” Honey explained.
“It doesn’t kill you?” I asked.
“I wake up eventually,” Honey said. “Nothing can kill me.”
“Honey is trying to suicide her way out of this world,” Kaiser explained.
“It seems like a popular activity these days,” I said.
“The last days of Crypt Island,” Kaiser said. “Welcome to the wake.”
“When is the funeral?” Madison asked.
“Any day now,” Kaiser shrugged.
“Nothing can kill me,” Honey said. “I don’t know what I’m going to do when everyone else is dead. I don’t want to be alone. I’m a social creature.”
&nbs
p; “You can eat with the sharks,” I said.
“I certainly hope so,” Honey said. “I don’t want to have to eat myself.”
“Honey is an African badger,” Madison said while smoking her cigar. “Or rather she is a magical African badger. She’s impossible to kill. She’s basically the Madison of wombats.”
“I tend to think that she is much worse,” Kaiser said. “No offense, Madison.”
“None taken,” Madison said. “Honey Badger makes me shudder.”
“Marriage further distorts your view of her,” Kaiser shrugged.
“You finally married her?” Madison gasped.
“I went out drinking,” Kaiser said. “I woke up with the situation.”
“I dig up corpses and eat them,” Honey said impervious to the insults. “I’ve eaten all the dead on Crypt Island. That’s why there aren’t any carcasses left in case you were wondering.”
“Aren’t you the plucky little creature,” I grimaced.
“Honey is a wombat that has spun out of control,” Kaiser explained.
“I’m afraid that Crypt Island is a repository of them,” I said.
“Your fears are legitimate,” Kaiser said. “All the wombats have gone insane.”
“Insanity is always at the end of the magical river,” Madison snorted.
“Here we are once again in the heart of darkness,” I shrugged.
“The horror,” Madison sighed.
Chapter
“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Headmaster Boo,” Honey said and extended her claws. “It would be an honor to eat you.”
“I’m not entirely sure what to say to you, Honey,” I said and declined her paw. “I really don’t think it’s a pleasure to meet you. You’re like the angel of death.”
“I’ve eaten angel,” Honey said.
“This is my realm,” Kaiser said and extended his paws broadly in the backseat of the glass Cadillac. He was seemingly trying to capture Old Havana in glass, the molten lake of rum and glass Alcatraz in his paws. “And I’m married to the most voracious cannibal on the island.”
Coffin Island Page 16