by T. Styles
I didn’t care how he would handle it and if I said that I would’ve seemed mean. It was no secret that I resented having to take care of Kalive these days. “He’ll be fine, you know that boy loves you more than him.” I looked down at the floor. “Maybe even more than me.”
He grabbed my cool fingers, his thumbs stroking the top of my hands. “That’s not true.”
“Stop fucking around, Otis.” I stood up and walked toward Kalive’s bed, taking a seat on the edge of the thin mattress. “He hates me.”
He got up and stood in front of me. “Maybe it’s because we haven’t been the best to him, can you understand that? Maybe after I do what needs be done we can get clean, and start a new life. One that will benefit our son.”
I looked up at him. “Our son?”
“Outside of you, there is nobody else alive I love more than him.”
“I know, Otis.”
“Mommy, the TV not working!” Kalive yelled from the living room. That was code for Rufus was home.
My eyes blinked rapidly and we both ran toward the window. Before crawling out Otis pulled me into his arms. “Soon, we will have a better life, Bernice. I love you so fucking much. Never forget it.” He grabbed his hatchet, and slipped out of the window just as the bedroom door was opening.
Rufus stood by the doorway, his eyes cold. “Why you in here? And why the window open?”
“I…I was…just getting some air. The TV blocks the windows in our room and in the living room.” I played with my fingers, hoping if he looked out of the window Otis would be out of sight, hidden by the brush.
“Kalive, get in here!” Rufus yelled. A few seconds later he stood at his side, lips dark with chocolate. “Was anybody in this house?”
“No, sir, just me and mommy,” he lied with a face I would believe if I didn’t know my own son.
Rufus walked up to me grabbed the back of my hair and yanked backwards. My neck was exposed and I thought it would crack. With a closed fist he slammed it down on my nose, splattering blood everywhere. “Kalive, I’m gonna ask you again, was anybody in my house? Tell me the truth or I’m going to keep hitting her.”
“No, sir,” he repeated, although this time I saw slight pleasure in the back of Kalive’s eyes. He was enjoying this I was certain.
Rufus hit me ten times and when he was done, he released me and I crashed to the floor. I was left alone in the room, soaking in my own blood. Three times I begged him to call 911 and he ignored each plea.
An hour later I heard Kalive laughing with Rufus in the living room. I guess they were chums now that Rufus beat the big bad mother’s ass.
I wonder if Otis’s plan to kill that nigger had room for one more body— his son.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
BERNICE
He was still alive, one month later…
I was starting to hate Otis for getting my hopes up high although I knew murder took time. I even asked him when it was going down one night. He told me the best way to get away with a crime was to never talk about it and I knew he was right.
So we didn’t speak of the plan anymore. Even though I secretly felt he was soft since the plan seemed to be put on pause after Rufus started inviting him over to get high more. Seeing me a few nights a week may have been enough to keep Otis cool but I needed his private attention. I didn’t want to share him with Rufus.
Even at the moment the three of us sat on the sofa, me on the far left, as we all took a trip down from our recent high. Rufus made sure I wasn’t sitting next to his so-called best friend when I would give anything just to feel his warm thigh against mine.
When the dogs started scratching at the bathroom door I sighed.
“Why you keep closing them dogs in the bathroom?” Rufus asked, rolling his head toward me. His white t-shirt was stained with drool from our recent dope fest. “They animals, Bernice. And animals need a place to roam.”
I opened my eyes and looked over at him. “Kalive’s scared of them.” I closed my eyes again. “You know that.”
He frowned. “That’s because you making him think it’s okay to be a punk. I told you ain’t no use in him being afraid of something he’s taller than.”
My high wasn’t fully over and already he was ruining it.
“Rufus, I’ll talk to him,” Otis interjected. “He probably just—”
“What I tell you ‘bout dipping into family business?” Rufus roared.
I adjusted in my seat and my stomach bubbled.
“Because you fucked my woman you think that gives you say so in what goes on around here? With my kid?” Rufus continued. “What I have to do to convince you, that when it comes to my home you don’t get a fucking opinion?”
Oh no. Here we go again.
“You know what, you’re right,” Otis said raising his hands before slamming them against his thighs. “Do whatever you want, he’s your son.”
“You mothafuckin’ right.” He paused. “As a matter of fact, Kalive get out here!”
Kalive opened his bedroom door and stuck his head out. “The dogs in the bathroom?”
“It don’t matter, little nigga!” Rufus yelled. “Bring your fat ass out here!”
Kalive stuck his upper body out the door first and looked around. When he didn’t see any sight of the dogs he shuffled over to Otis first, who sat up to hug him. I saw Rufus’ complexion redden. The jealousy he probably felt about Kalive giving another man attention drove him mad.
Rufus yanked Kalive by his arm, forcing him in front of him. “I called you, not him!”
“Come on, man, you don’t have to do that shit,” Otis said softly. “If you talk to him nicely he’ll come.”
Rufus stood up and moved in front of Otis. He clenched his fists as he stared down at him. “You know what, get the fuck out my house, Otis.”
Otis rose to his feet. “Come on, blood. We been friends since we were kids. Don’t do this shit.”
“You right, but what did you do? Fuck both my bitches. First Jackie and now Bernice.” Rufus’s nostrils flared. “Now I said get the fuck out, unless you want me to do the heavy lifting myself.”
Otis looked at Kalive and me and shuffled slowly toward the door. When he turned around once more before leaving he gave me a firm look. I knew what he was trying to convey without words. The hit on Rufus would go down in a few days.
And I was glad.
When he was gone Rufus walked up to Kalive and looked down at him. “What I tell you about hugging niggas? Didn’t I say that type shit for pussies?”
Kalive nodded.
Rufus took a stride to the bathroom and opened the door, allowing the Pitbulls that I was certain were mixed with monster to rush out. Only a few months old their bodies were large and extremely muscular, with heads two times the size of bowling balls. I was use to dealing with the dogs but for Kalive who avoided them at all cost, I could understand why he was horrified. The animals were intimidating. And for the first time in a long time I felt bad for Kalive.
The dogs with their wide mouths that looked like black holes jumped up on Rufus who patted each of their massive heads. When the beasts were done with him they galloped toward me and licked my feet with their wet rough tongues.
Rufus, showcasing his manpower, grabbed them by the red and blue studded collars around the neck. They were calm under his control, one pit on the left, the other on his right.
Kalive shivered.
“Touch them,” Rufus said to Kalive.
“Rufus, please,” I said in a low voice. “Don’t do this.”
He rolled his eyes at me like a bitch. “I said touch them you fat nigga!” he roared at Kalive.
Kalive reached his hand out and Knocks, the red pit, opened his mouth and tried to snap at his fingertips. Amanda must’ve felt her brother’s excitement because she tried to get at Kalive too, only simmering down when Rufus yelled ‘sit’.
With both dogs under control again Rufus’s head fell backwards as he laughed boisterously.
&
nbsp; I looked at Kalive and witnessed a dark stain starting at his crouch, which moved downward toward his inner thighs.
He wet himself.
When there was a knock I jumped up, hoping to get a distraction for Kalive. I opened the door without looking out the peephole and saw Kalive’s friends.
They were Jace, who looked more like a young pimp than a child. He had wavy hair that shined like patent leather shoes. Extremely cute, he wore grey slacks, a black shirt and a gold chain around his neck. I knew when I saw him that the others fell in line when he gave the word. His stance screamed boss.
Paco on the other hand was extremely short, and his light skin was riddled with acne. He seemed innocent but the menacing look in his eyes told me he would grow up to be a killer.
The third was Kreshon. He was extremely tall and lanky. His height hovered over the others but that didn’t mean he was the strongest. I don’t know what Kalive told him, but I could tell by his snarl and frown whenever he saw me on the block that he wasn’t a fan.
When Rufus saw Kalive’s friends he released the dogs and approached the door, covering his hand over mine, which held the knob. I yanked my hand from under his and stood behind him. “Hey, little men.” His smile was wide and he seemed more like a moron than the monster he showed to his family on a daily basis. He made a fist with his hand and each boy gave him a pound.
“How you doing, sir?” Jace asked coolly, his hands clutched at his chest like a grown man. “Can Kalive come out?”
“Of course,” he nodded. “He needs to be around young men of your caliber, maybe you can put some toughness into his heart.”
“Rufus,” I said.
He shot me a look that silenced me instantly.
“Kalive, come on out. Your friends are here.”
Kalive looked down at his wet pants. “Can I change my clothes first?”
“No…you pissed in them…you wear them.”
Paco laughed and Jace stared at him so hard Paco turned around and bopped out of the building.
Just like I thought, the kid was in charge.
Kalive approached the door and entered the hallway next to his friends. He was beyond embarrassed.
Jace eyed his pants and I could tell he didn’t approve. “Mr. Rufus, my father wanted to know if you like that package today?”
I was shocked. Why would Jace’s father involve the boy in the drug business?
Rufus cleared his throat.
I didn’t know until that moment that he bought our dope from one of his son’s friends. He’s an awful human being. “It was good,” Rufus cleared his throat again. “Tell him I said thank you.” He looked at all of them. “Well have fun.”
I know he wanted to get rid of them now.
He smiled and was about to close the door when Jace held his hand out and stopped him. “Sir, we had plans to hang out with some girls up the block,” Jace said. “You mind if Kalive be at his best and change his pants?”
Wow. I felt like that kid had been here before. He spoke like and adult, and if I weren’t looking at him I would not have known he was a boy.
“Uh, no, sure.” Rufus looked at Kalive. “Go put some pants on and hurry up. Your friends are waiting.”
I held the dogs by the collars as Kalive walked by. I could tell by the way Rufus gazed at me that he didn’t approve. He probably wanted to see Kalive yelling and screaming in front of his friends and I ruined his plans.
As I maintained my hold of the dogs I was shocked at how quickly Rufus allowed a kid to check him. It’s amazing how he can treat us like shit but around Jace, his drug dealer’s son, he wasn’t so powerful.
After five minutes Kalive was dressed and out the door. When the kids left Rufus went straight to the kitchen and downed a cup of E&J. Didn’t offer me shit. I watched silently from the couch. He was stewing in anger, probably because he allowed me to see a weakness in how he interacted with a kid.
I could judge by his mood that something was going to happen tonight. And since Kalive was gone his rage would probably be taken out on me.
Five minutes later he grabbed his keys off the counter and walked toward the door. “I’m going to find Otis. I’m not about to let no bitch come in the way of our friendship.”
He slammed the door so hard I jumped.
****
I was fast asleep when I rolled over and noticed Rufus was not in bed. Ordinarily I wouldn’t care, but so much happened earlier with Kalive and Otis that I worried he would come into the room drunk, taking his frustrations out on me sexually and mentally.
I eased out of the bed, grabbed my robe off the back of the door and opened it slowly. I saw Rufus sitting on the sofa, looking out into the living room. The lights were off but the moonlight from the opened window radiated against his face. Knocks and Amanda lie at his feet and although they were awake they were serene and that scared me even more. Those dogs barked no matter what.
What did they know that I didn’t?
“Go get, Kalive,” he whispered, without looking at me.
“Rufus, he’s asleep.” I stepped out of our room, wrapped my arms around my body and rubbed my elbows. It wasn’t chilly in the living room but his attitude was ice cold.
He turned his head toward me unhurriedly and I knew if I relented things would get worse. So I walked into Kalive’s room and pushed and shoved him until he was awake. Together we crept deeper into the living room, Kalive stood behind me when he saw the dogs at Rufus’s feet.
That’s when I saw something that stopped my heart. The lower part of Rufus’s white t-shirt was covered in dried blood and he was holding Otis’s hatchet, the silver portion was crimson.
Devastated, I immediately knew what happened and dropped to my knees, covering my mouth with my palm. “Rufus, please, please say you didn’t.” I was crying so hard my temples throbbed and I thought my forehead would bust open.
He was unsympathetic, taking the moment to laugh at my pain. “Your reaction is the reason he had to go.”
“Why would you do that? Why? He was your friend!”
“I don’t have to tell you why…you know the reason.”
“Why did you come back?” I screamed to the top of my lungs, wanting the world to know how I felt. I hated his fucking guts! “Why didn’t you leave us alone? We were happy without you and then you come into my life and ruin it! I hate you so fucking much! Do you hear me? I hate you and I will never love you! Just die!”
“And I will never love you either.” He stood up and walked toward Kalive. Looking down at him he said, “You wanted him to be your father so much, take this to remember him by.” He tossed the bloody hatchet at his feet and walked into our room, slamming the door.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
BERNICE
It’s cold in this place. And I’m sitting on the sofa wondering who this chubby little boy is who keeps looking at me. Every few minutes he will open and close the door just to stare. Why? Across from me, on the kitchen floor, two dogs fought hard, nipping at each other’s ears.
What’s going on?
“Mama, I’m hungry,” the boy said, only his head peeking out. “Can you make me something to eat?
I blinked a few times and looked at him. “Who are you? And why are you calling me your mother?”
“I’m Kalive. Your son. You just forgot again.”
Again?
I looked around trying desperately to piece things together. Where am I? Who am I? Rubbing my temples I tried to recall this place. I need to move. Yeah, I have to move; maybe then things will come to me.
So I stood up and paced the living room floor. The moment I elevated myself I felt as if the room was spinning and that I would be lifted off my feet. Flopping back on the sofa a flood of thoughts washed over me, the past resurfacing, bringing with it an onset of pain.
I was remembering.
I am Bernice and I’m also a heroin addict.
I glanced to my left and saw the boy I couldn’t recognize moments
earlier. His wide eyes, dark hair and small mole on his chin. He was my son. I gave birth to him but what else was missing?
“Ma, can I have something to eat?” he asked again causing me more irritation. I needed air and at the same time I felt responsibility for another human.
I blinked a few times. “Uh…yes. You can…you can have something.” I pointed at the kitchen.
“Can you cook it for me?”
“Oh, yeah, sure.” I stood up and walked toward the kitchen, past the fighting dogs. When I pulled open the refrigerator I was surprised to see it was empty. Except a carton of eggs, some old cheese slices that curled up on the edges forming a dark orange rim.
Suddenly more memories returned causing me to feel unsteady. Four months ago Rufus killed the only man I ever loved and I hated the world around me. I wasn’t just an addict; I was a grieving lover.
They found his body within the soft ground of an oak tree that sat in front of an abandoned house. There were no leads on the case and many times I thought about giving the police the answers.
If only I was stronger.
I closed the refrigerator and approached Kalive’s bedroom door. “I need to get something, there’s…there’s nothing in here.” I walked to the couch and looked around, my thoughts still fleeting. I turned my head toward him. “Where is my purse?”
Staying behind the door he pointed at another. “There. In your room.”
“Thank you.” I nodded and smiled. Stumbling toward my bedroom I opened the door. On the bed was a brown leather purse, which looked like it had been rummaged through. Did I do this before? With my bag in hand I walked into the living room, slowly recalling more. Except I didn’t want more memories, or blasts from the past.
I wanted relief.
I wanted heroin.
I pushed things aside in the purse looking for money. It was empty. “Where’s Rufus?”
“He’s been gone for a few days.”
I nodded although not sure why. “Did he say when he was coming back?”