by T. Styles
When she turned her head toward me I said, “Sorry, Grams. I ran the bath and put the bacon out…is everything cool?”
“Come in, Kalive, please.”
I rushed inside. “Grams, what’s wrong?” When I looked at the bed I saw my grandfather was face up and I smelled something I never have before. His eyes were open but he looked scared. I moved closer and placed my hand on his arm. He was cold, not like ice but cool.
It didn’t take me long.
He was dead.
****
My Grams stopped washing up.
I always knew where she was in the house because a stinky smell followed her. She stopped leaving the room too.
My Gramps died two weeks ago and she stopped going to work. Everything made her sad and I stayed home from school most days to help. She fought me at first, saying a boy had to learn if he wanted a fighting chance in America. But after awhile she stopped and I hadn’t been back since.
My uncle came over with my cousin sometimes but he only stayed long enough to give me some money and leave. He said he couldn’t see her like that which I didn’t like because she was his mother. Not mine.
My Grams was in bed and I was sitting in the living room on the couch when somebody knocked at the front door. I peeked out the window and saw my friends, Jace and Paco outside.
I opened the door and looked at them. “What’s up?”
“I heard about your grandfather,” Jace said. “Anything we can do, man?”
I looked at him and then Paco. “No, I’m cool.”
“So you not coming back to school no more?” Paco asked.
I shrugged.
“I heard about what you did to Chris too,” Jace said. “Don’t know if you seen Kristen in awhile but he not fuckin’ with her no more.” He laughed. “Always knew you were a monster with the hands.”
“Thanks, but I gotta go.” I slammed the door in their faces and walked back to the sofa.
I was starting to feel madder at everything and everybody. My grandfather told me to check my anger before he died, but I don’t think there’s a way to do that without hurting somebody. Without making somebody bleed.
And I don’t want to hurt my friends.
I just turned the TV on when there was another knock at the door. “Fuck!” When I opened it this time I saw Kristen on the other side holding a brown paper bag. “Can I come inside?”
“I can’t have company.”
She frowned. “Kali, I know you lying. You do anything you want in that house so let me in.”
I sighed. “I don’t want to see nobody right now.”
She nodded. “I was just coming to say I’m sorry about what happened to your grandfather. He seemed nice. For the time I got to meet him anyway.” She raised her arm and handed me the bag. “Some candy and stuff like that.”
I took it.
“Thank you for talking to Chris. I don’t know what you said but he hasn’t bothered me since.”
“Jace and them told me already.” I heard something moving in the back. It was probably Grams. “I gotta go. I’ll see you at school.”
I closed the door before she could respond.
When I walked into my grandmother’s room she was on the floor crying again. I knew she was gonna be sad for a long time but she was making me uncomfortable. I wanted her to be better so I could have my life back.
This seemed unfair and I wished I didn’t care.
I didn’t know what else to do so I ran her a bath, helped her up and walked her into the bathroom. I even took some of her clothes off, she got the rest. When she was in the water she looked relaxed. “Too hot, Grams?”
She smiled for the first time in a long time. “It’s perfect, thanks, Kalive.” She touched the side of my face with her warm hand.
“You gonna be okay? You gonna be better now?”
She nodded. “Don’t be scared, it’s all a part of life.” Tears rolled down her cheeks. “Do me a favor, Kalive.” She took a deep breath that seemed to go on forever. “Give me some time alone, son.”
I stood up, opened the door and looked back at her. She smiled again and I closed the door and walked to the living room.
I turned the channel a few times and opened the bag Kristen gave me.
I ate everything inside and later that night Grams died too.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
KALI
1986
I was speeding down the highway listening to L.L. Cool J, trying to make it home to my girl. First I had a few things to do around the way…like pick up money from a few dudes that owed. I wasn’t into anything heavy. I acted as a bodyguard for Arab, a mid-level drug dealer in DC. It was easy money since he really didn’t need me because most niggas knew not to fuck with him.
Besides, it wasn’t like I had major bills. When my grandparents died they left the house in my name. At first I didn’t want it, because it reminded me of the grandparents I loved and the mother I hated. I even offered to go down the middle with Grand if I sold it but he said he was good. And didn’t want a dime. That made me fuck with him until I found out from Vaughn that he tried to fuck my girl.
I let him breathe because Kristen cried thinking I was going to jail if I killed him and Vaughn got on his knees and begged until they were bloody.
I let shit go but I made it clear that I didn’t fuck with him. He a creep nigga anyway. Back in the day he use to get money, but now he sits in that house all day, smokes up all his weed or gives it to the bitches who sit in front of him topless.
I was just about to get off the beltway when an unmarked police car put on its sirens and fell behind me. I looked through the rearview mirror at the blue sedan, which was approaching fast.
I didn’t have a gun on me or my hatchet, since I had given up that lifestyle a long time ago. But there was no denying the liquor on my breath if he got too close.
I pulled over on the shoulder and the cop pulled behind me. I may not have had the gun but I had a knife that was tucked on the left side of my car, in the console on the door.
I grabbed it.
The officer, a big black cop who looked like he lifted heavy on the upper body but forgot his legs, approached my car. He was wearing dark shades and no smile. “License and registration please.”
I handed it to him. Already had it ready.
He looked at my documents. “Do you know how fast you were going?”
“Yes, sir, 75 mph.”
He took off his glasses. “And you think that’s okay when the speed limit is 55?”
“No, sir, I don’t. But I had an accident on the construction site at my job and was trying to make it to the hospital to save my leg.”
He leaned in and saw my jeans were bloody from where I poked myself with the knife, just enough to bring blood to the surface of my thigh. “What the fuck? Boy, are you crazy?” he yelled. “You should’ve called an ambulance!”
“I know, sir just figured other people could’ve used an ambulance more than me. Plus this is man’s work and part of the job.”
“Well what the fuck happened anyway?”
“The end of a steel beam fell on my leg and almost crushed it but I’m still alive. ”
He spoke into his radio and within twenty minutes I was in the hospital, in the ER. Instead of arresting me for being drunk he escorted me without stopping at any lights. The only thing was that my car was left on the side of the road.
After the doctor came in and checked me again, Kristen walked into the room. Since she was nine months pregnant with our first child to me she couldn’t be more beautiful. All I wanted was to watch over her and protect her. But sometimes my thoughts grew dark and I thought about doing violent things to people.
Most of the time for no reason.
Every time I imagined death or blood she would kiss me and tell me she loved me. Like she knew what was on my mind.
“Oh, baby, are you okay?” she asked walking up to me as I sat on the edge of the bed, my bandaged l
eg hanging off the side.
“I’m fine.” I looked at the doctor and cleared my throat. “You know how things are on the job.”
The doctor was good at ear hustling because he moved closer and said, “You may be fine now but things could’ve been worse. So it’s a good thing you got here when you did. And it’s also a good thing that the cop was nice enough to bring you himself.”
I nodded. “Can I go now, Doc?”
He frowned, cleared his throat and looked at my chart in his hands. “I’ll have the nurse give you the prescription for pain and discharge you right away.”
****
We were in her car laughing…
“Bay, why are you so fucking crazy?” She giggled as she drove down the street. “I can’t believe you really got in the back of a car and had a cop drive you to the hospital? Off some craziness.”
“It was either that or jail.” I leaned back in my seat when I noticed she wasn’t laughing anymore and her expression grew serious.
“Vaughn picked up the car for you.”
I nodded. “He told me.”
She placed her hand on my thigh. “How’s your leg?”
“It’s fine, I know how to cut.”
She sighed. “Today is the day your Grams died. Isn’t it?”
I looked over at her. “I’m okay, Kristen. Stop worrying.”
She steered the car with one hand while the other rested on her stomach. “Kali, I’m not trying to come down on you. You a good man who’s done everything in your power to make me happy, and I love you for it. I never dreamed I would have a life like this. With you.”
“It’s nowhere near the life I want to give you.” I exhaled. “We live in my grandparents house—”
“Rent free,” She interrupted. “You so quick to talk about what we don’t have instead of listing the blessings first.”
“I’m grateful, Kristen. And I know shit could be worse. Just seems like we never have enough money to do the things you want.” I paused. “I see how you be looking at Sasha and Harmony. You say you don’t want the lifestyle but I don’t know if I believe you.”
“First of all my cousin is a whore so of course she has money. And you know Jace gonna make sure Harmony is good even though I heard they not together no more. I don’t want anything about their lifestyle.” She paused. “All I wanted was somebody to love me.” She rubbed her belly. “To love us and you’re doing that.”
“But what if I fuck up? As a father?”
“Kali, you can’t fuck up. Since you found out we were pregnant not only did you stop running the streets, or rolling with Jace, you found a way to make a little money, remain safe and come home every night.” She exhaled. “But you have to realize that your grandparents dying is not your fault. Let it go. It’s like you’re afraid to be happy.”
I exhaled. “The history of my life…the history with my family, makes me believe that anybody born of this bloodline is doomed. And I don’t want that for our child.”
“Then change the future, Kali.” A tear rolled down her face. “We can’t do anything about what happened when you were a child. And I can’t act like I know everything you’re going through since you refuse to talk about it. All I know is my man, and he loves our baby and me. I would put my life on that.” She kissed me.
We pulled up to Mama’s Kitchen and walked inside. I placed my arm around her because although she was pregnant niggas loved trying to get at my girl. Her face was cute and her ass was almost as big as her belly. I needed every nigga present to know she was taken.
I had a little limp from the cut to my leg so we decided to sit down and eat. She got the fried chicken and I got fish with fries. We were almost done when some dude at the counter stared a little too hard for my liking. I stood up and approached him. “See something interesting over here?”
He laughed.
I hated when mothafuckas laughed at me.
“Want me to give you something to laugh about?” I asked.
“Kali, please don’t do this,” Kristen pleaded. “Not again, you promised.”
I was about to hit him anyway when Jace and Paco walked inside. The nigga Jace had so many gold chains around his neck and rings on his fingers he couldn’t be anything but a dope dealer. I heard his father Rick moved to Los Angeles to handle the drug business there, leaving Jace in charge here. He asked me a few times through people to work for him but I wasn’t interested. I was settled now.
It was then that I recognized the dude at the counter, the one I was about to drop, was Tony Wop, Jace’s cousin. They walked up to me and we all shook hands.
“Tony, I know you not in here antagonizing Kali,” Jace laughed. “You know his legend. He’ll kill you and eat you alive.”
“Man, had I known it was him I would’ve thought twice.” His words said one thing but he sounded like he was being sarcastic. I could be wrong. “My bad, Kali, I just thought I knew your peoples that’s all.” He tried to shake my hand but I left him hanging.
Tony Wop cleared his throat.
“So what’s up with you?” Jace asked. “I haven’t seen you since your grandparents died, God rest their souls.” He crossed his chest and looked up in the sky.
“Everything good over this way.” I said. Kristen stood up and I put my arm around her. “I’m about to be a father.”
They all laughed but stopped short.
“You sure you gonna be good at that?” Jace asked. “Being a father requires a patient man and if I’m not mistaken you’re a bomb waiting to explode.” He extended his hands and his palms were faced me. “And I mean that in the nicest way possible.” He dropped his arms.
I laughed. “I’m good.”
“You know your uncle helping me ride in the races,” Paco said, skipping the subject, I think on purpose. “I beat twice last month because of him. Won twenty grand.”
I nodded. “Good for you.”
Paco cleared his throat.
“So you looking for work now?” Jace asked. “Because I could always use a man of your expertise in my crew.” He looked toward the window. “And since I only see two cars out front, my Mercedes and a run down Honda, you could use the come up.”
“He’s out of the game,” Kristen said. “Ain’t you heard?”
“Whoa, you letting your lady talk for you these days?”
“Why I got to say anything when she does it best?” I looked him in the eyes. “You keep doing your thing and I’ma work at this father gig.” I lifted one of Jace’s ropes off his chest and let it fall down. “You always knew how to shine.”
We walked out.
****
JACE
Jace watched Kalive limp to the car and open the door for Kristen. He redirected his attention to his cousin and Paco. “Did that nigga just try to play me?” Jace asked.
“You know he ain’t that smart,” Tony Wop said. “He’s all muscle no brain.”
“You know I don’t ask for much right?” Jace continued.
“Sure don’t,” Paco, who was always on his dick, responded.
“Well both of you know we need a goon. Somebody who can do the dirty work so we don’t have to get blood on our hands.” He looked out the window again at the Honda, which was backing up. “Whoever can bring him to me in the best way possible will be handsomely compensated.”
Tony Wop nodded. “I don’t know about Pac’ but I got an idea on how to handle the situation. So consider it done.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
KALI
Vaughn was helping me paint the nursery for my baby which I told Kristen was a boy. We didn’t know the sex but I called it into existence.
I’m good for a son.
I can feel it.
All we had left was the ceiling but he was getting tired and started telling me how he understood why painters got big bucks. Since I didn’t have no money to give him and told him in advance, I knew it was time for him to bounce.
“You c
an leave now, I’ma get up with you later.” I put the roller in the bin filled with yellow paint. “I got the ceiling myself.”
He squinted. “Hold up, you mad?”
“I feel like you hitting me up for bread when you know the situation.”
“Wasn’t nobody asking for money.” He placed his roller in the bin. “Can’t believe you in here getting mad over light shit. All I was saying was painting is hard work.”
“Listen, you offered to help. Talking about you never had a relationship with Grams and wanted to do something to help me in her house.”
“Man, can’t nobody even say nothing around here.” He walked over the plastic on the floor and flopped down on the green metal chair. “If you that hard up about money maybe you should do something to change it…like get at them streets.”
“You know Kristen don’t like that kind of talk in the house.” I sat on the other chair. It wasn’t until that moment that I realized I was tired too.
He ran his hands down his green fatigue pants. Yellow paint chips were all over his nails. “So I heard Jace stepped to you today.”
I leaned back and crossed my arms over my chest. “How you hear about that?”
“Man, everybody around here know Jace want you on his squad. You been doing his dirty work for free since ya’ll were kids.”
“That was years ago and we ain’t kids no more.” I looked him dead in the eyes, wanting him to know I was serious. “The only thing on my mind is taking care of my girl and my baby. Jace can keep that gang banging shit over there.”
“That’s good, because at first I thought you were gonna always be on the nigga’s dick.”
Silence.
Vaughn moved uneasily. Must’ve felt I was a few seconds from stealing him in the jaw. “Didn’t mean it that way, cousin. Just giving my opinion that’s all.”
“That’s what I mean when I say you don’t know what to say out your mouth.”
He nodded. “You right…you right.”
“Don’t get me wrong, I fuck with Jace,” I said. “When we were coming up he did a lot for me. And if I found out a nigga was genuinely trying to hurt him I would put him to rest. It’s just that sometimes I feel like he’s all about proving loyalty instead of what it really means.”