by J. Sterling
What if she moved back home for good and will be finishing up school there?
“She’s coming back though, right?”
A soft giggle escaped. “Of course she’s coming back. But not until the semester’s about to start.”
“I guess I’ll see her next semester then,” I said even though I had no idea if I would or not.
By the time she came back to campus, baseball would be in full swing, and my days and nights would be packed with little time for anything—or anyone—else.
“Maybe don’t wait that long, eh?” she suggested, and before I could ask her to elaborate, she looked at Mac before walking through the door and disappearing out of view down the hall.
“Probably a good thing she wasn’t here,” Mac said as we turned and headed toward my truck.
“That’s exactly what I was thinking,” I agreed, to his surprise.
“Really?”
“Yeah. Sort of feels like a sign, her not being here.”
I decided that there was a reason Danika was gone when I came to tell her the truth. Maybe it was divine intervention stopping me from making a mistake. Maybe fate knew something I didn’t. Maybe Mac had been right in all the things he said on the drive over here.
All I knew was that if I was supposed to tell her, she would have been home to hear it. And she wasn’t.
Back in New York
Danika
Sunny called to let me know that Chance had come by the apartment. She practically burst my eardrums with her squealing, and I could barely make out what she was trying to say.
“He said he wanted to talk to you,” she breathed into the phone.
“Anything else?” I asked because my interest was definitely piqued.
Chance and I hadn’t talked since the night Jared showed up and ruined our celebration at The Bar. The most messed up part was that after that all happened, I had wanted Chance to chase me even though I was in no position to be chased. I hated myself for expecting him to do it. And then I hated myself even more for being disappointed when he never did.
Of course, Chance Carter would keep his distance; that was just the kind of guy he was. And I knew that it was on me to reach out to him. But the more days that passed, the harder that seemed to be. I couldn’t figure out what to say or how to apologize without landing us right back to where we had always been—fighting off our mutual attraction with nowhere for it to go. Our relationship had been so complicated from the start as we tried to convince ourselves that we could be just friends when we both wanted more.
When I’d finally broken things off with Jared, I’d figured the smart thing to do would be to take a little time for myself and not jump into another relationship. I had to make sure that my feelings for Chance were real and not some sort of escape because I had been unhappy in my current situation. So, I stayed away from Chance, and in return, he stayed away from me. It was absolute misery.
“No, nothing else, but oh my God, Danika, tell him already. You’re killing me here.”
I sucked in a breath and leaned my head on one of the pillows on my bed. “I don’t want to tell him over the phone.”
“Yeah, well, you should have told him before you left,” she chastised, as if we hadn’t had this conversation ten times already.
“We’ve talked about this,” I reminded her. “The last thing I wanted to do was to tell Chance I was single and ready to date him and then leave the next day for New York.”
There was no point in spilling my guts to him when I was going to be gone for a month. Granted, we could have talked and gotten to know each other better over that time, but it just wasn’t how I wanted things between us to go. I wanted to be with him in person when we started things up, not long distance. Maybe that was selfish of me. Maybe it was stupid. Maybe it also gave me a little more time to be alone, to be with my dad, and to deal with whatever hell Jared might try to inflict when he came back to the city over break.
“I know. It’s just that”—she groaned—“do you know how hard it was to see him and not blurt it all out?”
“Tell me you didn’t,” I warned, and she was quiet for too long. “Sunny!”
She laughed. “I didn’t.”
“Thank God. And if you see him again, just stay quiet. I promise I’ll tell him as soon as I get back to campus.”
“Better hope he doesn’t have a girlfriend by then,” she teased, but I’d be lying if I said the thought hadn’t crossed my mind.
Just because Chance hadn’t dated so far in college didn’t mean that it couldn’t happen. Maybe realizing that he had feelings for me opened him up to having feelings for other girls. Anything was possible.
I shook my head to rid it of those thoughts. “I’ll tell him. The second I land.”
“You should tell him now. Or on Christmas! I got you a present …” She paused. “Me!”
She laughed, and I chuckled.
“I’ll think about it,” I promised, and we both hung up.
I thought about telling Chance every single day, but something always seemed to stop me. As excited as I was to be with him, it felt torturous to try to start something while being apart. Not to mention the fact that my mind was filled with unanswered questions. Like, what if he didn’t even want me anymore? Or what if he really never had? What if Chance only thought he wanted me because he couldn’t have me, because I was unavailable? That was the kind of thing your heart never realized until the opportunity was in your face, staring you down and begging for an answer.
No, I couldn’t have this conversation with him over the phone. I needed to be able to look in his eyes and see his face when I told him that I was single.
Pulling up the Fullton State baseball schedule online, I took a screenshot with my phone and gave myself a quick pep talk. I knew what I wanted to do.
Walking into the dining room, where my dad sat at the table working on his laptop with a newspaper spread out next to him, I leaned over his back and hugged his strong shoulders.
“What’s up, kiddo?” he said as he looked behind at me.
I sat down in the chair next to him. “I was thinking about leaving a little earlier than usual, if that’s okay with you?”
His bushy, graying brows rose. “How early?”
“Just a couple weeks. But I can stay if you want,” I said, knowing that my dad would never force me to stay if I wanted to go.
“Is this about that Carter boy?”
My cheeks warmed as I answered with a slight smile I couldn’t stop, “Maybe.”
I’d filled my dad in on my personal life the day after I got back. We were having dinner together at home when he asked how Jared was, and I spilled my guts about how I’d been feeling. I told him that Jared had changed. Or that maybe I was the one who had changed but that I hadn’t been happy in a long time. I told him about the breakup and that I thought I might have feelings for Chance.
Part of me was scared that my dad might be disappointed in my decisions or not understand. I knew that he loved Jared like family, so I was nervous for his reaction, especially since we’d always talked about working for my dad after graduation. But he couldn’t have been more accepting or gracious. He’d told me that he wanted me to be happy and that if Jared had stopped making me that, then I should move on.
“Life’s too short to settle, Danika. Don’t stay with someone who doesn’t make you smile.”
“I still can’t believe you like Jack Carter’s son,” he said, sounding like a giddy schoolboy instead of the overprotective dad I’d come to know lately.
We’d talked about that as well over dinner. How I needed to be able to make my own decisions and he had to stop worrying about me so much. He’d told me that he’d never be able to do that since he was my dad and all but that he’d try.
I’d ended up saving the pictures that Cassie had taken of my parents all those years ago for Christmas. After I got back to New York, I took the flash drive to a local artist I knew, who turned three of my favorites in
to paintings. I framed them and gave them to my dad for Christmas. Then, we spent the rest of the morning looking at all the pictures Cassie had given me copies of. My dad told me stories about him and my mom that I’d never heard before. And he’d cried. Which, of course, made me cry.
Being in such an emotionally vulnerable state had made me want to reach out to Chance even more. I texted him, wishing him a merry Christmas, and he responded with the same right back. Then, he sent a string of Christmas emojis that made me wonder if Jacey had stolen his phone. When the dots appeared, I held my breath, waiting for him to say something else, anything else, but the dancing dots disappeared, and no new text ever came. I should have texted that I missed him. I should have texted that I couldn’t wait to see him when I came back. But I hadn’t.
My dad started asking me a million questions about Chance and what kind of guy he was and why I thought I liked him, and it made me realize how much I really did.
“Haven’t seen you smile like that,” my dad said before adding, “Ever.”
“That can’t be true,” I countered because I was sure I’d smiled the same way when I first started dating Jared.
“I mean it, kiddo. The smile you get on your face when you talk about Chance, it’s a new one,” he said, giving me a half-grin. “I like it.”
“Well, I hope Chance likes it too.”
He closed his laptop. “What do you mean?”
“I’m just a little worried, is all,” I admitted.
“About?”
“What if he doesn’t like me back?”
My dad chuckled. “Then, he’s an idiot, and I don’t want you with him.”
I smiled, and my dad cocked his head to one side, studying me.
“But seriously, why the hell would you even think that?”
“I’m just nervous. What if he only thinks he likes me?”
“Danika, stop speaking girl and just speak.”
“I was with Jared the whole time. Maybe Chance is the kind of guy who wants what he can’t have.”
My dad made a face before nodding, and I hated that he was potentially agreeing with my assessment.
“I mean, I guess that is possible. But what does your gut say?”
“My gut?”
“Yes, Danika, your gut. If I were to say that Chance only liked you because you were with Jared, what does your stomach do?”
I swallowed hard, my head shaking. “It revolts. Fights against your words. They feel wrong.”
My dad’s face practically lit up, his eyes crinkling in the corner with his smile. “See? Your gut knows. He likes you.”
My gut had better be right, I thought to myself.
“You’re really okay with all of this?” I asked him again even though I’d already asked a handful of times since I’d been home.
He mussed with the newspaper at his side before folding it neatly, his eyes softening. “With what exactly? You living your life the way you want to? Following and trusting your heart? Not staying with someone you don’t belong with? Making hard decisions because they’re the right ones? With what, sweetheart?”
My eyes filled with moisture at his barrage of complimentary questions. “I know you love Jared like a son. And I’ve just cut him out of our lives.”
His jaw tightened. “I like Jared just fine. As long as he’s making you happy. He stops doing that, and I stop giving a shit about him. You’re my daughter. My loyalty will always be with and for you. You understand that?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t seem so sure,” he said, and I stayed quiet. “Sweetheart, you don’t owe Jared your heart just because he had a piece of it for a while. Sometimes, relationships run their course. They have a time limit, and they run out. Not every relationship is meant to last forever. And that’s okay. Your mother and I would never want you to stay with someone who didn’t make you happy, no matter who it was, how long we’d known them, or how much we loved their family. Okay?”
I fought back tears and sniffed. I’d had no idea how desperately I needed to hear those words or how much I craved his approval for this life change. “Thank you, Dad.”
He wrapped his arm around me and pulled me against him before kissing the top of my head. “My sweet girl. Now, bring that boy out here, so I can meet him.”
“Dad!”
“What?”
“You just want me to date him, so you and his dad can become besties,” I teased, laughing at his twisted facial expression as he tried to decipher what I meant.
“I don’t know what a bestie is, but you know how much this city still loves Jack. The only Mets player anyone likes.”
“No, he’s the only Mets player you like.”
“True. Make sure you send me more selfies, okay? I made it my wallpaper on my phone. See?” He shoved his phone at me, unlocking it so I could see the wallpaper in the background behind all the apps and folders. It was the picture of me and Jack that I’d sent him from dinner at their house.
A smile played at my lips as a thought hit me. “You know, Dad, you should think about coming out and watching Chance play. I mean, after I convince him to date me. ’Cause if he says no, then I don’t want you to come out. That’d be embarrassing.”
“I’ll come out to whack him if he says no,” he said, his tone serious, and I wasn’t a hundred percent sure if he was joking or not.
People always told me that my dad was scary. I rarely saw that side of him. The last thing he’d ever been to me was scary, but then again, I’d never crossed him or made him upset.
“So, you’re okay with me leaving early to go watch Chance play?”
“That’s what you’re doing? Watching him play baseball?”
“Yeah, his season starts two weeks before the semester does. I want to go to a game before everyone’s back in school. Plus, I really want to talk to him about everything in person. And sitting here, waiting to do that, is kind of killing me, to be honest.”
My dad smiled like he couldn’t have approved of what I was saying more. “Go get your baseball player.” He reached for my hand and squeezed, and my mom’s face flashed in my mind.
“I miss Mom.”
“I do too. Every single day.” He released a breath, and even though I knew we both missed her, we didn’t bring up the subject often. It was still too painful, even after all these years. Life had continued after she left, but it was forever changed and not quite the same.
“I wish she were here,” I said, not trying to make my dad feel worse but it was true. I wanted to talk to her about Chance, and I wanted her to see how I was growing up.
“I’d give anything to have her back here with us and healthy. Everything I do is because of her and for you. I know you miss her, and I know I’m a piss-poor substitute.”
“No, Dad, you’re great,” I tried to interrupt, but he talked over me.
“No. Listen. Your mother was my best friend, but she was yours too. And I know there are things that a girl needs her mom for. A dad just isn’t the same. And I’m so sorry she got sick. I’m so sorry you’ve had to grow up without her. But I promise you this”—his hand squeezed mine again—“she’s with you even if you can’t see her.”
“You really believe that?” I asked because I’d never expected to hear that kind of spiritual talk from him. He was so logical.
“Absolutely.”
“Does she watch over you too?” I pressed, wanting to know more about this side of him.
“I know she does. I feel her sometimes. And I dream about her. Those are the best.” A faraway look appeared in his eyes, and I felt his love for my mother even though she was no longer here.
“I used to dream about her too. But I haven’t for a while now,” I said, almost forgetting that she used to come to my dreams nightly when she first passed.
How did I forget that?
“Doesn’t mean she isn’t still around, okay?” His expression softened as he looked directly into my eyes, and I nodded.
“You’ll
think about coming out to visit?” I asked, hoping he’d say yes.
In all the time I’d lived in California, I’d never been bothered by him not coming to visit me there. He was always slammed with work and I understood. But now, I almost couldn’t bear the thought of him staying in New York and not coming out at least once before I graduated. I really wanted him to meet Chance and watch a game with me.
“Depends on what little Carter’s answer is.”
His response made me smile.
“I love you, Dad.”
“I love you too, sweetheart. And just so you know”—he pushed back from the table and stood tall—“we’ve never been prouder,” he said, speaking for himself and my dead mother.
And I almost lost it. Again.
Surprise Visits
Danika
Even though I wasn’t leaving until tomorrow evening, my bags were already packed and sitting by the front door.
I’d texted Sunny to let her know that I’d be home early, and she replied with, Thank God. My parents are driving me nuts, and I need an excuse to leave them.
Sunny hated staying in our apartment alone, so whenever I left to go home, she usually did too. It was just one more thing that we were completely opposite in. I relished in my alone time, and she’d do anything to avoid it.
I was in the kitchen, making a sandwich, when the bell dinged, indicating that someone had arrived on our floor from the elevator.
We lived on the Upper East Side in a historical building that had been built in the 1930s. A lot of incredibly rich and famous people had lived here throughout the years, but for the most part, it had been a quiet place, growing up.
The majority of the units had been in families for generations and were owned by people who refused to leave, but my dad had managed to snag one on the fourteenth floor when the previous owner lost everything in a stock market crash. He’d wanted to buy multiple units, but apparently, my mom told him that was “obnoxious,” and he’d listened.
We had too many extra bedrooms as it was—for all the siblings I was supposed to have but never did. After having me, my mom’s body couldn’t hold on to any more babies, and eventually, they’d stopped trying. I knew they’d considered adoption at one point, but then my mom had gotten sick, and getting her better had become our sole focus.