“I’ll help you clean this up,” I said.
Abbey didn’t respond and walked out of the room. I followed her. The living room was spared from her mother’s rage, but her mother wasn’t in there either.
“If she’s not upstairs, I’ll call the neighbors. Maybe she’s still with one of them,” Abbey said.
I kept a small distance between Abbey and me as we climbed the stairs and walked down the hallway toward her mother’s room. I wanted to give Abbey her own space if she should need it, and yet be close enough for her to feel my presence if she should need that, too.
Abbey lingered at her mother’s bedroom door a couple seconds before slowly pushing it open. She stiffened. I knew the woman was in there.
I stepped behind Abbey. The stale scent of alcohol mixed with the musty odor of a space that had been closed to fresh air for far too long burned my nostrils.
Abbey walked into the room and toward her mother’s bed. She snatched up an empty vodka bottle lying at the foot of the bed and placed it on a nearby chair. Her mother was half-slumped over the side of the bed, the ends of her long bleach-blonde hair grazed the floor. If it weren’t for her heavy snores buzzing through the room, I would have been sure she was dead.
Abbey slung an arm around her mother’s back, pulled her up, and laid her body straight on the bed. Two more empty vodka bottles sat on the nightstand. Abbey grab those up, too.
Abbey turned around with a vacant expression as she walked away from her mother toward me. Her movements were stiff, almost robotic. For the moment, she seemed to not be feeling anything. Abbey was doing merely what needed to be done.
I picked up the empty bottle she had placed on the chair and followed her out of the room.
“I’ll help you clean the kitchen,” I said.
She faced me. Her expression still showed me nothing, and for the first time, I looked at my best friend and didn’t know what she was thinking, or how she was feeling.
Abbey’s heart was hidden that day, even from me.
“Go home,” she said. “I’ll take care of this.”
“Are you nuts? I’m not leaving you alone. You need me right now.”
“No. I don’t. What I need right now is to be left alone.”
I took a step back while keeping a steady gaze on Abbey who, for the moment, I didn’t recognize at all. She stood straight with her shoulders back, a perfect posture she didn’t normally wear. Her composure was confident and unwavering. I knew without a doubt that when she told me she needed to be alone, it was exactly what she needed.
“Okay.” I handed her the empty bottle. “I’ll leave you.” I started to walk away, but turned back to her. “Is this because I didn’t tell you about Jess? We still need to talk about that, you know.”
“Later. We’ll talk about it later.”
“Fine. I’ll go. Call me if you should decide you need me.”
“THEN WHAT HAPPENED?” Jess asked.
“I left.”
I cradled the phone between my ear and shoulder blade as I turned onto my back and stretched my legs across my bed.
“What do you think is gonna happen now?”
“I don’t know,” I answered honestly. “She got really weird right before I left.”
“Weird how?”
“It’s hard to explain, but you know Abbey. She usually gives off this helpless vibe, right? Like she needs to be protected and you want to protect her because she seems so . . . helpless and fragile. But she didn’t seem either of those things today. I walked away from her feeling certain she was capable of handling the situation. And this is coming from a girl who called me just a few nights ago because she thought she heard a chair move.”
“This is life and life just threw a reality in Abbey’s face that even she knows she can’t ignore. She is forced to deal with this. But, really, what other option does she have right now?”
“I wish she was going away to school. I don’t think she applied to many places. She was afraid of possible rejections. She got a couple, and then that was it. She stopped trying. She can stay by me. She can get a job with Franklin and work and go to school. I told her we could get a place together until I leave. I have money saved up. Maybe if she saves enough money, she can get her own apartment in some other town and say fuck this place and never come back.”
“What do you think’ll happen to her mother?”
“She’ll probably drink herself to death. I don’t know. But really? I don’t care right now what happens to her mother. All I care about is Abbey. Her mother should at least try to keep it together for her daughter and stay sober, but she doesn’t seem to give a fuck about Abbey right now, so I don’t give a fuck about her.”
Jess sighed. “This whole thing is so messed up. I feel terrible for Abbey. You’re right about wanting to protect her. I wish I could take her in my arms the way you do a child and shield her from all that is bad in the world.”
I closed my eyes. “I know you want to do that. That’s just your way.” I pressed the phone tightly against my chin. “I need to see you. I miss you,” I whispered.
“You just saw me yesterday morning.”
“That was yesterday morning. Tonight, I miss you.”
“Baby,” she breathed into the phone.
“I can’t stop thinking about our weekend together.”
“With everything going on, your mind should be too preoccupied to be thinking about me,” she said.
“Just yesterday life seemed pretty calm, didn’t it?” I let out a deep sigh. “And I thought I had it bad when my old man split the second he found out about me. That felt personal. Shit. I can’t imagine living with my father, me knowing him and him knowing me, and then learning that he started another family and chose them instead. What’s more fucking personal than that? Fucking dick.”
“Do you think she’ll call you tonight?”
I rubbed my hand over my chin as I took a few moments to consider the question. “No. I don’t think she’ll call. Whatever it is she’s doing, she wants to do it alone.”
“I haven’t yet changed into my pajamas,” Jess said.
I glanced down at my baggy jeans and blue T-shirt. “Neither have I.”
“Come over. My parents are dead asleep. I can hear my father snoring from down the hall.”
It was a little past midnight. This wouldn’t be the first time I snuck out in the middle of the night to see Jess. As long as we were quiet, we never got caught. My mother and Franklin were asleep in their room.
I sat up. “I’ll be right over.”
“Park down the street.”
“I know the drill.”
We hung up, and I grabbed the bottle of deodorant that was sitting on the shelf over my bed. I sprayed underneath my arms.
As excited as I was about seeing Jess, the house I really wanted to go to that night was Abbey’s so I could check up on my best friend.
But Abbey had made it clear she didn’t need me, at least not tonight.
JESS SNUGGLED AGAINST me with one of her legs sprawled over my body. “It’s kinda crazy. Last week all we wanted to do was graduate. I remember talking to Abbey in the halls during the last week of school and she seemed happy high school was coming to an end.”
“She’s been ready to leave this town for a long time, even though she’s not leaving yet, this is the next step.”
“I’ve never met Abbey’s parents, but I feel so affected by what’s happening. I hate knowing Abbey’s hurting. Today my mom was going on and on about how I’m graduating in a couple days, and I thought, Holy crap. Graduation is in two days. But my own excitement has taken a back seat to worrying about Abbey.”
“I honestly can’t even think about graduation right now. I just don’t fucking care anymore. You know?”
Jess nodded. “Do you think Abbey will even go?”
“If we feel this detached to the whole pomp and circumstance, I doubt Abbey would want anything to do with it. Even if she did want to go, she’
d be too embarrassed. I’m sure the whole town is running their mouths about her mother’s breakdown in the streets. Abbey doesn’t like to be talked about.”
“My parents don’t seem to know. At least, they haven’t said anything to me if they do know.”
“Your parents are different.” I craned my neck to check the time. It was two-thirty. “Did you set the alarm?”
“Yep.”
“For what time?”
“Three-thirty. Is that good?”
I nodded and kissed the side of her face. The second time I had sneaked to her house in the middle of the night, Jess and I had fallen asleep and were wakened the next morning by the sound of pans clinking against each other and her mother’s hum as she cooked Sunday breakfast.
Luckily, I had parked my car down the street and the vehicle wasn’t visible should either of her parents look out the window. I had done that only so her mom and dad wouldn’t hear me pull up. I hadn’t anticipated falling asleep and staying the night. I was a nervous fool waiting for the right moment to leave her house without being seen.
Jess had left me to go eat breakfast. She had no choice. Her mother was calling her down, and her mother was a stickler for eating a healthy breakfast in the morning.
I couldn’t jump out the window. The distance was too high and there were no trees I could clasp onto, or anything to help me down. The situation needed to be waited out until Jess finally barged into the room and rushed me out.
“Hurry,” she had whispered frantically. “My mom’s showing my dad a section of their room that needs to be repainted, but they won’t be that long.”
I rushed out of the room and down the stairs while Jess followed anxiously behind me.
“Shhh, don’t be so heavy with your footsteps,” she’d said.
When we got to the front door, I could hear the muffled sounds of her parents’ voices coming from their room. We were safe for a little while.
“That was close,” I said.
“Very.”
“Let’s not do that again.”
“No. Let’s not.” Jess glanced toward the stairs behind her. No one was coming. “Where are you gonna tell your mom you were? You know she has to be up by now.”
I shrugged. “I’ll tell her Abbey called, and I needed to go there. She won’t ask a lot questions. She knows Abbey needs me a lot.”
“Good.” Jess kissed me quickly on the lips and then opened the door. “Hurry up. Get out of here.”
Lying in Jess’s bed, we were careful not to make the mistake of falling asleep again.
Chapter Nineteen
I SLAMMED THE phone back onto its receiver.
“Hey,” my mother said as she carried a large bowl of salad. “Please don’t break the phone. What’s wrong?”
I pressed my fingers over my forehead. “Abbey still isn’t answering her phone. No one is. I’ve been calling all day. I’m going there.”
“When was the last time you saw her,” my mother asked.
“When I brought her home yesterday morning and we found her mom passed out in her bed. I left Abbey there cuz that’s what she wanted me to do. But now I don’t think I should have done that.”
My mom placed the food on the table. “Lyssa, sweetie.” She took me in her arms. “I know you want to do so much for your friend. But in the end, this is her life, and you need to let her handle it the way she wants. You did the right thing by leaving her alone yesterday.”
I backed out of my mother’s grip. “But now I need to go there. What if she needs me but isn’t calling me because she hates me . . . even if it’s just a little bit.”
“What are you talking about? Why on earth would she hate you, even a little bit?”
I raked my fingers through my hair. “I . . . I can’t explain right now. I just need to go there.”
“Lyssa, please tell me what’s going on. Why would Abbey hate you?”
I heard the front door open and Franklin walk into the house.
“Something smells good!” he bellowed.
The worried expression on my mother’s face subsided, and she forced a big smile as Franklin walked into the room.
“Everything okay?” he asked.
“Yep.” My mother perked up. “Go wash up and sit down and eat.”
Franklin walked over to us and gave my mother a kiss and ruffled my hair. “Graduation tomorrow, kid. Big day.”
I was sure that my mother hadn’t yet told Franklin all that was happening with Abbey. Since they’d been back from their weekend trip Franklin was spending a lot of time at the office.
“I know,” I said with as much enthusiasm as I could muster, which wasn’t much at all.
Franklin appeared to pick up on my lackluster mood. He opened his mouth, and my mother took his arm, distracting him.
“I made your favorite,” she said. “Pot roast. Go wash up. It’s just about ready.”
Franklin grinned and walked down the hall. Men were so easy, I thought. I could never have sidetracked Jess so effortlessly.
My mother smiled at me. “I didn’t want him to ask questions you probably don’t feel like answering right now. I haven’t told him anything yet. I’ll fill him in later.”
“I’m gonna go now,” I said.
“Will you at least have dinner with us?”
I leaned my head back and sighed. “Come on, Mom. I can’t sit down at a table with you and Franklin and pretend that everything is okay and eat pot roast.”
Before my mother could respond, the front door bell rang.
“Who could that be?” my mother asked.
I hurried to the door and opened it. Even in the evening sun, Abbey’s tear-soaked red eyes popped out at me.
“She’s gone!” Abbey cried.
I stepped onto the porch. “What are you talking about? Who’s gone?”
“My mom.” She held onto my arms, and even though I outweighed her by a lot, she almost took me to the ground as I briefly lost my balance.
“Hey, hey, hey,” I said, holding her up, calming her. “Take it easy. Abbey. Breathe.”
Her chest moved slowly up and down in heavy, unsteady breaths. After a minute, she seemed to calm down and dried her eyes with the sleeve of her gray I.O.U. sweatshirt.
“Let’s go inside,” I said.
Abbey shook her head. “I don’t want to go inside. I don’t want anyone to hear me.”
“Okay, but we can’t stay out here. Someone will hear for sure.”
“What about the garage? We can go in there,” she said.
“Okay.” I tightened the flannel shirt wrapped around my waist and followed her to the garage. I punched in the code on the garage pad.
A few months after Franklin and my mom were married, he bought us a new garage door. My mother had been dead-set against moving into a new house like Franklin had wanted, so he settled on doing upgrades here and there. The old paint-chipped wooden door we used to have to pull up by hand had been replaced by an automatic door, but I liked the old door better.
Once the garage was open, we walked in. I picked up the buckets we used to sit and smoke on when we were kids.
In my first week of high school, I’d stumbled in on a bunch of seniors smoking in the girl’s bathroom. A girl with long dark blonde hair that fell loosely around her face, wearing tight jeans, and a buttoned-down white denim long-sleeved shirt held out a cig.
“You smoke?” she asked.
The unexpected invitation to hang out with older kids was too cool to pass up. I accepted the cigarette, slipped it between my lips, and waited patiently as one of the other girls in the group fished inside her purse for a lighter.
As soon as I was lit up, I took the familiar drag on the cigarette I remembered so well. The taste stayed with me and I didn’t choke. This feat brought impressive looks my way.
“Hey, kid knows how to inhale,” one girl said.
“This isn’t your first time,” the blonde observed.
I kept my composure, placed my
books on the edge of the sink, and leaned coolly against the wall, nonchalantly sucking in my next inhale. Everything was fine until I imagined walking through the brush to the Hideout and finding Derek sitting on his favorite rock with his long legs stretched out before him, pulling deeply on a cigarette.
“What’s up?” he’d ask with a casual upward nod.
I took a deep drag on my cigarette as images of my old friend came charging at me in a sudden instant—Derek’s smile, Derek’s bruises, Derek’s body underneath that stained white sheet and his bloody shoes hanging over the stretcher.
I choked out the smoke caught in my throat, causing the girls to snicker behind shields of clamped hands. Through spasms of violent coughs, I flicked the cigarette into the sink, grabbed my books, and sped out of the rest room.
Before that moment of sneaking a cigarette with my older schoolmates, I hadn’t smoked since my days at the Hideout. I hadn’t consciously known why I had avoided lighting up again, but it became clear after the incident with the seniors—smoking conveyed such an excruciating sentiment of unfathomable nostalgia, that months later I still couldn’t break free from the memories of Derek that littered my mind.
Three years later, I hadn’t touched a cigarette since that day and I couldn’t imagine I ever would again.
I placed the buckets upside down in the middle of the garage. “You want me to close the door?”
“Yes. I don’t want anyone peeking in here.” Abbey sat down on one of the buckets.
I pushed a button on the side of the garage and the door noisily descended. I sat on the other bucket beside Abbey.
Abbey drummed her fingers anxiously in the space between her legs, against the edges of the bucket. The gesture conjured up rock ‘n’ roll memories of the two of us performing our private concerts with our fake instruments in the place we now sat, but now was no time to reminisce.
“Where’s your mother?” I asked.
Abbey stopped her drumming and for a couple moments she was still. She looked up at me and then dropped her head in her hands and rested her elbows onto her knees. “Mrs. Kasper from next door took her to a place. I fell asleep this afternoon cuz I couldn’t sleep most of the night. I woke up to this big commotion coming from outside my house. I looked out my window.” She pulled her head out of her hands and looked at me. “My mother was running through the streets, screaming and going fucking crazy. The cops came again. They were going to take her in, but Mrs. Kasper told them she didn’t need a jail cell, she needed a hospital. They said they don’t take people to hospitals, only jail. But Mrs. Kasper talked them into letting her go with her, but they said if they ever have to come back again, they were taking my mother with them. Mrs. Kasper put my mother in her car and took her to an institution, or something. A place they put crazy people. A woman from there called the house and asked me all kinds of questions. Said my mom would be staying there for a while, and since I was eighteen, I was on my own.”
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