On Equality. India like many other countries has passed legislation giving women equal rights but, in actual fact, we do not have it because of two reasons. One: that from the time of birth different activities are marked out for boys and girls and inequality gets entrenched in our conscience from childhood. That instead of male-female confrontation there should be co-partnership between the sexes. Second: that the imperative need was to bring about a change in men’s thinking. In actual fact, [there] is truly a [need] for men to change their traditional pattern of thinking.
On Integration. The induction of women at every level and every stage of our development programmes.
On Peace. The Indian argument was not strictly factual about women suffering more in war than men nor in asserting that ‘woman, by nature, is pacifist.’
It was inevitable that attitudes of advanced nations towards the emancipation of women would be different from those of the lesser developed and more tradition-bound societies. At one extreme were the American militants of the Women’s Lib burning their bras, abolishing nomenclatures like Mr and Mrs, addressing the presiding officer as ‘chairperson’, etc, and at the other were countries like Saudi Arabia which refused to send a delegation and stuck to their own version of the sacred laws which sanction polygamy and require women to live in veiled segregation.
It was pointed out by an African delegate that women have rights which they often misuse. He gave an amusing instance from the Cameroons where schools are up against a real problem because women teachers arrange to become pregnant in time to demand maternity leave immediately after the three-month vacations – thus taking a half-year holiday on full pay.
Gloria Steinem squashed such arguments as relics of the past. If a man can get years of military leave, why can’t a woman get some months of maternity leave when she alone is saddled with the task of bringing up the children? Why reward people for training to take life and not for giving life? Bearing a child is a job she is already doing free of charge, why burden her with more?
Gloria Steinem also had a dig at women’s journals which instead of rousing women’s conscience against injustices meted out to them continue to be catalogues of things they can buy and achieve little more than stimulate consumerism. She handed me a copy of her magazine Ms dedicated to 1975 with the banner headline ‘It Is Your Year’. Ms has no ads of textiles, cosmetics or other beauty aids or recipes to reduce weight, menstrual problems, etc., which form the staple diet of women’s journals. But it had its quota of erotics in pictures and articles by Bernadette Devlin, Kate Millet, and of course Gloria Steinem. She inscribed the journal with the barbed inscription. ‘To Mr Singh who will change his opinion about women.’
Did the conference in Mexico succeed in its object of rousing the conscience of mankind against injustices done to women? Hardly. The media took little notice of it. The speeches were tedious, repetitive and added nothing new to our information on the subject. It was also a ‘paternalistic affair’ where though men were few, the male ethos machismo pervaded. And too many of the eminent delegates were wifeypoos who had no business to be there. The women also quarreled amongst themselves. Gloria Steinem was condemned by a radical group as a ‘C.I.A. agent’. One lot screamed at another: ‘bring out your chicanos’ (little girls). But then, all said and done, conferences achieve little beyond pious resolutions. Can the ‘last colony left to the male imperialists’, as Princess Ashraf Pahlevi said, be liberated?.
‘We will win. We are more than half the population of the world,’ said a lady from Nigeria. ‘lnsha Allah!’
12
Thoughts on Marriage
‘Marriages are like watermelons; in every hundred you will find one good one.’ Where does love come in? Apparently nowhere.
Over twenty-five years back, I saw a film showing how marriages are arranged between eligible members of the Unification Church. Candidates were assembled in a large hall. Reverend Sun Myong Moon stood on a platform and beckoned them in turns in somewhat the following manner. ‘You there in the red necktie! Come up.’ A white American in a red necktie walked up to the dais. Reverend Moon then took a good look at the girls and spotted one: ‘You there, you are Japanese, aren’t you? Come up. You two will get married.’
So they were. An English boy to a Chinese girl, an Australian girl to a Korean boy, a Honduran boy to a Canadian girl, an Indian girl to an American boy. Many of them had never seen their spouses before, but no one said: ‘No, not this one, can I have that one instead?’ No one had so much as murmured that they were in love with somebody and invoked the messiah’s blessings for their union. The choice of spouses was left entirely to the reverend, and his injunction against consummating the union for three years accepted without demur.
I know of a Delhi businessman who advertised for a wife in the papers. Since he had mentioned his large income, the size of his bungalow and the three cars he owned, he received over a thousand applications. The man and his mother took many days to go through the correspondence and short-listed the applicants to a dozen. They were asked to appear one morning to be interviewed. Twelve girls dressed in their best sarees and jewellery accompanied by their parents were seated in the verandah of the bungalow. One after another the girls and their parents were ushered into an air-conditioned office, offered cold drinks and cross-examined by the businessman and his mother. Ultimately one was selected and the details of marriage settled with her parents. Others were sent off without any apology for having been subjected to humiliation.
I know of yet another family, somewhat impoverished but still very princely in its pretensions. The father had corresponded with another princely family for a match for the eldest of his five daughters. The two families met for coffee in a Delhi restaurant. The young princeling eyed all the five sisters and decided that he preferred the second girl to the eldest. He got the girl of his choice. The hurt that this experience must have caused the eldest daughter did not bother anyone.
I related these incidents to two nubile Indian lasses in the marriage market. Both are graduates, earning their own livelihood, attractive and much sought after by young men. Neither of them showed much surprise. ‘It’s not very different in our families,’ said one. ‘Our parents arrange our marriages. It is usually after the boy has agreed and everything has been settled that they ask their daughters, Pasand aaya (Do you like him)? I have never heard anyone reply, Nahin (no).’ The other girl who is living on her own said: ‘What difference does it make whether a girl marries someone of her own choice or lets her parents or friends choose a man for her? For her it is like the toss of a coin: heads she loses, tails he wins.’
It reminded me of the Spanish proverb: ‘Marriages are like watermelons, in every hundred you will find one good one.’ Where does love come in? Apparently nowhere. ‘Marriage was a woman’s invention - a method of obtaining protection for the weaker human by the stronger one’ writes Barbara Cartland. ‘With it Eve made the consummation of love a sacrament as well as a partnership and she created a spiritual aim for requited love in the midst of an essentially physical activity. In fact, she invented the formula ‘sex plus love’. This, Cartland admits, reduces marriage to absolute boredom … having made a nuptial bed, a married couple must continue to make pretence of lying on it, and not on anyone else’s. This has never worked well. ‘No doubt when they make love on their wedding night it will seem unbelievably wonderful that they will lie side by side for more than 18,000 nights. It remains to be seen whether the thrill lasts when 10,000 or so of those nights have been spent.’
The ancient Greek poet, Palladus, must have had this tedium of marriage in mind when he wrote:
Marriage brings a man only two happy days
The day he takes his bride to bed and the day
He lays her in her grave.
One would have thought that finding one’s life partner was entirely the business of the young men and women concerned and everyone should have the liberty of making one’s own mistakes. Unfortunately tha
t has never been so in traditional societies like ours or in the Muslim or the Buddhist world.
Patterns of marriage-making vary from community to community, region to region. In India more freedom of choice exists among tribals where young boys and girls are encouraged to meet and dance into the early hours of the morning. More often than not, they mate before they marry. Dissolutions of marriages are equally easy and no stigma attached to illegitimacy. In the rest of India such freedom is only enjoyed by the highly educated, westernized, urban elite. For the rest, marriages are arranged by parents, friends, or professional matchmakers.
An ever increasing number now find their mates from the matrimonial columns of newspapers. The two top marriage-making papers in India are The Hindustan Times and The Times of India. Over the years the pattern of insertions has changed. They have evolved a hierarchy of the most sought-after down to the common-place. Non-resident Indians with American, Canadian, Australian or British citizenship or possessing green cards come on top. Most still prefer to marry girls of their community or region. Few ask for horoscopes but almost everyone insists on exchange of photographs. They are more liberal about caste, and dowry, though expected, is never mentioned.
Matrimonial columns are divided according to states, religion-affiliations (Christians, Muslims and even Parsis advertise for mates) and profession of the male mate-seekers. Salaries and inherited wealth are usually mentioned as additional bait. I was surprised to discover that some of the richest families of India advertise for suitable matches for their children in newspapers.
We also have quite a few matrimonial agencies. Travel across the Indo-Gangetic plain by rail and you will see walls along towns and cities with large letters in Hindi: ‘Dulhen vohee jo Pathakji dilvaeen’ – The real bride will be found by Pathakji’. Who Shri Pathak is I don’t know but seeing how much he spends on advertising his services, it is evident that he has a sizable business going. There are many other matrimonial agencies using modern methods. Personal data of the parties concerned including their horoscopes are fed into the computers to give their business a veneer of modernity.
Foreigners visiting India get lots of laughs out of insertions in our matrimonial columns. Most are quick to pick up meaning of abbreviations like ‘C&D no bar – caste and dowry will not be a consideration; or the girl should be good in HHA (Household Affairs).’
They are intrigued by the requirement that nubile girls should be virgins when in fact they mean maidens or unmarried. Many of these foreigners do not know that similar marriage-making practices exist in their own countries and provide much fun to visitors. In my student days in England every Sunday two matrimonial journals – the Matrimonial Gazette and the Matrimonial Times – were on sale in Piccadilly Circus. They made better reading than ours because they carried photographs of mate-seekers, if woman, with measurements of the bosoms, waists and buttocks. Besides their ages they gave information about their hobbies like music, hiking, good eating. As further lure some added: ‘No hang-ups about sex.’ Almost every newspaper kiosk in Central London had, and has today, pictures with telephone numbers of ladies who wish to meet gentlemen with a view of companionship.
Even, in the United States those days, just about every city had dating agencies. For an introductory fee they arranged men and women to meet over drinks and dinner and left it to them whether they simply went to bed with each other for a short duration or got married. Many otherwise conservative magazines carried ads by men seeking female company and women seeking men. I give a few illustrations from an issue of the monthly magazine Washingtonian. Ten pages of this 180-page glossy were devoted to columns entitled: ‘In search of’. Like us they also had their abbreviations, e.g., SWM stood for Single White Male; SBW for Single Black Woman; D for divorced. Here are a few examples picked up at random:
Absolutely Delicious Woman seeks Delectable Man for Lifelong Love Affair: Life is memorable moments – special, fun, creative, sensitive experiences. Let’s create those memorable moments together.
YOU: Unique SWM, communicative, humorous, affectionate, positive, fit, supportive, successful, generous, handsome, non-smoking.
ME: Very attractive, shapely (5’4", 114 lbs), bright, creative, classy, yet playful, matching PR exec, 40’s, who turns dream into reality.
WE: LOVE, laughter, travel, massage, work/ play, music, dancing, HUGS, movies, growth, hiking city/country escapes, theatre, outdoors, Phone/photo appreciated.
– ISO 44-395, WASHINGTONIAN VOICE MAIL 2842
Affectionate Blonde Classic Beauty, WASP, 5’6", physically fit, sophisticated elegant, intellectual, witty, creative entrepreneur. Loves kids (have twins), horses, dogs, Middleburg. Enjoys fox hunting, sailing, dancing, skiing, traveling WPAS. Ballet, opera, museums and most active sports ISO S/DWM 33+WASP, financially secure successful, N/S romantic, gallant, marriage/ family oriented gentleman who shares similar interests. Please send note, photo.
An Exquisite, Oriental Beauty W.24" of Silky Long Hair: I’m 35, 5’5", 112 lbs; Georgetown University graduate; medical billing manager; divorced. Seeks romance leading to holy matrimony w/one nonsmoking SWM/DWM (Catholic/ Protestant). YOU must be moneyed, high-powered professional; 32 to 47; over 5’9".
Bi-curious SWF ISO S/M/DWF. I’m slim, sensuous red-head w/blue eyes, a great smile and a keen sense of humour with a need to all life has to offer. Looking for a slim, attractive, open minded woman for friendship and exploring new adventures. Please, no men haters and no hang-ups.
— VOICE MAIL 2809
Curvaceous But Conservative – Divorced lady; Internalist with eclectic interests; Mozart/Madonna/Gypsy Kings; BBC; The Economist / Tom Clancy. Richard Bach; X-country skiing / swimming / speed walking ISO S/W/D cosmopolitan, sincere, 40 to 55, to share a long term, balanced, healthy, active sensual life.
— ISO 30-395 WASHINTONIAN
Six Virginians in Search of Half Dozen Good men for One Night Stand: First time ISO’s inviting you for bacchanalian feast, meaningless conversation.
We are looking SWF’s; outing, fun, fit, professional and adventurous. Seek same, SWM 32 to 42, (Groups of 2,3,4 preferred). You won’t be disappointed.
The exercise of finding a suitable match through newspapers can be very crude and humiliating for would-be brides. Her parents may not hear from the boy’s parents at all. If they do and parents of both parties meet, the girl will be produced for inspection. Her looks, the complexion of her skin, her height etc. will be scrutinized. She will be asked what skills she has as a cook and stitcher of clothes. Her parents may ask her to sing to the accompaniment of a harmonium. She may be subjected to the ultimate indignity of being rejected.
I know of one case of a Punjabi with little education who came into lots of money. In the ad he placed in the papers he candidly admitted that he had divorced his foreign wife from whom he had no issue, what he was worth and the double-storeyed mansion he lived in with two chauffer-driven imported cars.
Applications poured in bearing photographs of girls. It took him many days to sort them out. Ultimately he invited eleven girls and their parents to his house. Others were sent rejection slips. His sister and himself constituted the interview board.
Girls and their parents were seated alongside on chairs laid out in the verandah and served cold drinks. A servant summoned them in turns, three at a time. The interview lasted all morning. A lady school teacher was selected to be the lucky bride. Others were sent back with their travel expenses reimbursed. Believe it or not, it turned out to be a happy marriage. The couple has two children and move in Delhi’s social circles.
Meetings through matrimonial columns do not invariably lead to marriage. I know of one man, a highly educated, prosperous landowner whose first marriage ended in divorce. His ad stated all this and further more that he would be willing to pay for the airfare and hospitality for those he invited over to get to know them better before making a final decision.
He received scores of applications from all over the country. In tu
rns the lady applicants came to Delhi, lived with the man for three months or more and were returned to their home towns. The man had a continuous honeymoon lasting more than three years. He remains a single divorcee open to further adventures in the garb of possible matrimony.
SEX
Coitus Pluralis
Virgins indulge in sex for curiosity
Harlots for money,
Widows for remembering the good old days
Wives out of a sense of duty
While the pure pleasure of sex
Is possible only in adultery
– (Unknown 12th Century poet)
13
Sex in Indian Life
No people in the world are more confused in their attitude towards sex than we Indians. Our cherished ideals bear little resemblance with our patterns of sexual behaviour…. As a nation we need to be laid out on the couch of a shrink and subjected to thorough psychiatric analysis.
Many winters ago I happened to be travelling by a night train from Delhi to Bhopal. It was a fast express that made only a few halts at major stations. I found myself in a compartment of five berths: three below and two on the sides above. (Yes, those days there were five berths in a compartment). I had a lower berth, as did the other two passengers who were there before me. The upper berths were reserved in the names of a professor and Mrs Saxena. Fifteen minutes before the train was due to leave, a party of men and women escorting a bride decked in an ornate sari drawn discreetly across her face, her arms loaded with ivory bangles, stopped by our compartment, read the names on the panel and came in. They were dismayed to see the two berths reserved for them were separated by a 15 foot chasm of space. One in the party approached me and asked if I could take one of the upper berths to accommodate the newly married couple. I readily agreed and moved my bedding roll. Another passenger who had the middle berth also moved up on the other upper berth so that the bridal couple could be alongside each other. I heard one of the party stop the conductor guard and tell him to wake up the pair at a particular junction where the train was to make a brief three-minute halt at 3 a.m.
Khushwant Singh on Women, Sex, Love and Lust Page 4