by Susan Stoker
“You’re welcome. Drive safe.”
“You too.” Feeling proud that she only looked back once, Julie smiled all the way to her small apartment.
Chapter Nine
Julie sat in the circle of Patrick’s arms on his couch as they watched World War Z. They’d spent time together almost every day since their first “date” a month ago. As far as their physical relationship went, they were taking it slowly, which was fine with Julie.
Yes, she’d had a horrible experience when she’d been kidnapped, but she’d mostly dealt with it. Her dad had immediately gotten her into therapy. She’d also seen a couple of doctors and found out she’d been incredibly lucky and hadn’t picked up any diseases from her experience, thank God for something going her way after the hell she’d been through. All in all, Julie knew it could’ve been a hell of a lot worse, and she chose to focus on the positives rather than losing herself in the negatives of the entire experience.
Dealing with the physical aspects of having a boyfriend, Julie was realizing, was actually much easier than the mental ones. She thought it’d be easy to open up to Patrick and let him know how she was feeling about herself, and about the nightmares she continued to have, especially after their first walk on the beach when she’d tried to explain how important it was to her to be able to thank the SEALs who had rescued her.
But after the cold reception she’d received from Fiona and her friends, and realizing that saying “sorry” wasn’t going to suddenly make her feel better about the person she used to be, the urge to open up to Patrick had waned. Hell, it hadn’t just waned, it had disappeared altogether.
Julie knew Patrick was trying to ease her into a physical relationship, and she appreciated it. As much as she might have projected a party-girl image back home, she’d never been the type of girl to fall into bed with men on the first date…or even the second or third. She liked to be friends with someone before getting naked with them.
She was certainly ready to get physical with Patrick though. She liked him. He was funny, good-looking, and seemed sincerely interested in her. She’d even told him last week she was ready, but he’d only kissed her on the forehead as if she was twelve, and said she might be, but he wasn’t. Julie would’ve thought it was a blow off if he hadn’t kissed the hell out of her, almost brought her to orgasm with his mouth on her nipples, and if she hadn’t seen him every day since then.
Patrick leaned over and muted the television. Julie watched as the zombies silently began to swarm over the wall built around Israel on the screen. She had a feeling whatever Patrick had been wanting to talk to her about before moving them to the next level, now was the time.
“I know you told me you didn’t care anymore, but I spoke with the SEALs who rescued you, and they’re willing to meet with you.”
Julie froze. Oh God. She’d known this would be coming sooner or later. She tried to play it off. “It’s okay. I’ve changed my mind. I’ve made peace with it.” Which was a total lie, but she didn’t want to have to deal with their rejection of her apology and thanks as she had with Fiona.
Patrick turned Julie in his arms and pulled her over his lap until she was straddling him and he could look her in the eye, her arms wrapped around his neck.
“Julie. I think you need this. I heard what you told me that first day on the beach.”
“Really, Patrick, I’m good. I just needed—”
“You’re not good.”
“I am,” Julie insisted, not very convincingly, even to her own ears.
“You fell asleep on the couch over here last week.” Patrick’s words were low and earnest. “The second you were down, you started dreaming. I watched you do it. You whimpered in your sleep and called out ‘I’m sorry,’ over and over. You only stopped when I sat next to you and took you in my arms. You never even woke up until later, when I purposely shook you awake so I could take you home.”
Julie stared at Patrick in dismay.
“It’s eating you up inside. You need this.”
She looked down, sucked her bottom lip into her mouth and stayed silent, not knowing what to say.
“What’s holding you back?”
Julie didn’t want to tell him, but he was a good guy. He’d been nothing but decent. He’d encouraged her when she doubted both herself and what she was doing with the store, he supported her, he laughed with her, he was a good kisser, and he never, not once, made her feel like the bitch she’d been in what seemed like a previous life.
Most importantly, Julie liked Patrick. If she wanted any kind of real relationship with him, she knew they had to get past this. He was the SEALs’ Commander, for Christ’s sake. She’d have to see them sooner or later if she and Patrick stayed together. It was a miracle they hadn’t already, but she knew that was probably all Patrick’s doing.
“What if they don’t accept my apology?”
“They will,” Patrick said immediately, knowing exactly who she was talking about.
“Fiona didn’t,” she admitted in a small voice. “Why would they?”
“What do you mean, Fiona didn’t?” Patrick asked with concern. He put his finger under her chin and lifted her head. “I know you saw her that one time, and I know there was some shit said.”
Patrick had talked to the guys about the incident, and while he knew it wasn’t a sunshine-and-roses meeting, he hadn’t been aware any of the girls had said anything over-the-top mean. He didn’t think it was in them, not after everything they’d been through.
Julie shook her head, lying. “Not really. Look, I don’t blame her friends. I was mean to Fiona in the jungle, and she and her friends have the right to not want to talk to me.”
“Julie, I talked to the guys. I don’t think you know this, you might suspect it, but Fiona is married to the SEAL who got you through the forest. I talked to him. Cookie knows you saw Fee and that you apologized. He would’ve told me if she was still harboring ill will toward you.”
“I figured they were married,” Julie said softly, feeling the pit in her stomach grow bigger and bigger, “But I guess I didn’t realize it until I saw her that she was married to the SEAL that saved us.”
“Yeah,” Patrick confirmed.
“I’m not talking to him, or any of the others,” Julie stated resolutely.
“Julie, you—”
“No!” She struggled to get off Patrick’s lap, relieved when he let her go. “I can’t. She was upset to see me. I know her husband has to be pissed at me.” Julie paced as she continued. “I can’t face him. I thought I could…before. But knowing they got together? That they bonded so completely while we were in that fucking jungle that they fell in love and got married?” She spared a glance at Patrick, not knowing how to put into words what she was thinking.
Julie didn’t really think if she’d been less of a bitch, she might have ended up with the handsome SEAL instead of Fiona, but the thought wouldn’t leave her brain. “I’m assuming that’s what happened, right?” she finished somewhat lamely.
“Basically, yeah.”
“Yeah. So I’m not doing it.”
“They’re my men,” Patrick said in a low, sad voice. “I want you to be there when we have company picnics. I want you to be a part of my Navy life. If you won’t see them, you can’t be.”
Julie felt her heart breaking. She was losing one of the best things to happen to her before she’d even truly had it. But she really was a coward. She couldn’t face Fiona again. Couldn’t face the censure she saw in all of her friends’ faces. Could not face the man who loved Fiona, who’d been there in Mexico to see her at her worst. She couldn’t do it.
“I can’t.”
“I’ll take you home then. Give you some time to think about it. We’ll talk later.”
Julie nodded, numb inside. She never should have come to California. She hadn’t known at the time this was where the SEALs were stationed who had rescued her, but she should’ve remembered the Naval base nearby was the home of the SEALs and it was
a likely possibility.
Patrick helped her with her coat and led her outside to his car. He opened her door as he always did and waited until she was comfortable before shutting it. He got in without a word and they drove to her apartment in silence.
He pulled into a visitor’s parking space and turned to her. “I like you, Julie. I want to be with you. I’m forty-three years old.” He watched as she turned to stare at him in disbelief. “I know, I’ve never told you my age, but there it is. I’m old enough to know what I want in a partner. I’ve never been married for a reason, because I’ve never found someone who I can imagine being with for the rest of my life…until you. I know there’s a fifteen-year age difference between us, but I don’t care.”
“Patrick…” Julie started, having no idea what she was going to say, but she didn’t have to think of anything, because he continued.
“I know you have demons, we all do. You think after spending most of my time in the Navy as a SEAL, I don’t? I’ve seen some of the worst things you can imagine, and even some you can’t. But you have to fight your demons, otherwise they’ll take control of you. And sweetheart, they’re taking you over. I’ve seen it the last month or so. When you first called me I didn’t want to meet you, but you wouldn’t take no for an answer. You were so sure about what you needed to do to move on. But at the first sign of adversity, you gave up. And I know that isn’t you.”
“It is me. You weren’t there, you didn’t—”
“I wasn’t there,” Patrick interrupted without a qualm, “but I’ve been in similar situations. I’ve gone into various countries and rescued kidnap victims. Some were easygoing, some were scared, some were combative and hostile. I’ve seen it. But, Julie, you told me yourself that you were a different person now than you were then. I like the Julie that’s sitting in front of me right now. Is everyone in this world going to like you and want to be your best friend? No. I have enemies. I can be a real hard ass and there are SEALs all over this country that I know wouldn’t mourn me if they learned I’d suddenly passed away. But Julie, that’s their issue, not mine.
“I have friends, good friends. I’m happy with my life. If I could do it all again, would I do everything the same? Of course not, but that’s a part of life. Learning from your mistakes and moving on. I want you to move on with me. But if that’s going to happen, you’re going to have to do what you came out here to do—apologize and thank my men. Whatever they do with that is on them, not you.”
“But they’re your men.”
“They are. And I know them. You think I’d be giving you this advice if I thought they’d hurt you? No way in hell. But you have to trust me, and them. More importantly, you have to do what you need to in order to move on. And God, Julie, I want you to be able to move on with me. I’d like nothing more than instead of waking you up and taking you home, to wake you up with kisses and carry you into our bedroom, where I could make sure you’d sleep like a log every night. I want nothing more than to learn your sweet little body inside and out, to taste you, to hear what you sound like when I’m buried deep inside you—but I can’t until I know you’re with me. Until I know this can go somewhere.”
“Patrick,” Julie almost moaned.
“I know I’m not playing fair, but I need to lay it on the line. I like you. I want you. But you need to forgive yourself, and then let my men forgive you. There’s a company picnic at La Jolla this weekend. They’re usually over at Coronado, but everyone wanted a change. I’d love to get the apology out of the way beforehand, so you can join me there and we can move on, together.”
He waited a beat, then said in a low, urgent voice, “I have a feeling you’re it for me, Julie. I know we didn’t meet under normal circumstances, but I thank God every day that you knew someone who knew a Navy SEAL there in Virginia. I’d say it’s amazing he knew Tex, but Tex knows everyone. Tex is a very important part of my men’s lives, and has had a hand in saving every single one of their women. He wouldn’t have given you my number if he thought what you wanted to do would hurt Cookie or Fiona or any of the other men and the women they love. Please, sweetheart. Be there on Saturday. Let’s do this so we can start the rest of our life together.”
He stared at Julie for a moment, then turned and climbed out of the driver’s seat. He held her open door for her after she got out, leaned down and kissed her on the forehead. There was no making out, no getting to second base and thinking about stealing third.
“Sleep well, and I mean that, Julie. Hopefully I’ll see you in a couple of days.” Patrick squeezed her shoulders once and then he was done.
Julie headed to her apartment in a trance. Every single word Patrick said was seared on her brain.
He was right. She knew he was, but she understood if she showed up to talk to his men on Saturday, it’d be one of the most difficult things she’d ever done in her life, and she wasn’t sure she had it in her, not even for Patrick. Not only would she be opening herself up to his men, and possibly have them treat her with indifference at best and censure at worst, but she’d be letting Patrick know in no uncertain terms that she wanted to be with him too.
She honestly didn’t know if she could do it.
Chapter Ten
The next day, Julie pulled herself out of bed, knowing she wouldn’t be able to sleep any more than the three hours she’d somehow snuck in between nightmares. She put on her bathing suit and a pair of shorts and a T-shirt. She threw on a pair of pink flip-flops and grabbed sunscreen, a towel and her phone. She jumped in her car and went to My Sister’s Closet and put up a “closed for sickness” sign for the first time since she’d moved to California. She needed a day to herself to think about what she wanted to do with her life.
That done, she headed for the beach. She’d always loved swimming, and was actually very good at it. Back in Virginia, she’d gone to the pool and done laps for exercise almost every day. She was in southern California, she needed sun and sand. That was supposed to cure all ailments.
Julie parked at the popular La Jolla beach, knowing she chose it partly because it was the beach she met Patrick at, and walked toward a section where a lot of others were sunbathing and hanging out. She didn’t want to be alone and being in the middle of families and others enjoying their day at the beach seemed like a place she wanted to be.
She spread her towel on the sand and stripped off her clothes. She lay back on the sand and tried to relax. Julie closed her eyes and ran through different scenarios in her head. She thought back to the scene in her shop with Fiona and her friends. If she was honest with herself, she didn’t blame any of them for acting as they did.
She’d been blindsided with coming face-to-face with Fiona, but if she’d been treated as badly as Fiona had been, and then come face-to-face with her tormenter, Julie knew she would’ve acted the same way Fiona and her friends had. And to be fair, Fiona hadn’t thrown her apology back into her face, she just kind of looked at her, shell-shocked.
Julie wondered for the first time since that horrific day if maybe, just maybe if she tried again, she could get Fiona to listen to her. She knew they’d probably never be best friends, and that was okay. But if Julie wanted to be with Patrick, really with him, they’d see each other every now and then.
Julie didn’t know if the Commander hung out with the SEALs or not; she figured maybe not on a social basis. If he had to send them on dangerous missions and make decisions that affected their lives, he was probably more of a professional friend than a personal one. However, he had hinted that the SEALs were like family to him. She could probably handle seeing Fiona and her friends every now and then, especially if she didn’t have to worry about fitting into what was obviously their close circle, but she wasn’t sure about having to see them and hang out with them on a social basis. It’d probably be too painful for Fiona, and would definitely be awkward for Julie.
Then there were the SEALs themselves. She definitely hadn’t put her best foot forward with them, but men were typically bett
er at not holding grudges and moving on. Fiona’s husband notwithstanding, maybe the others would be able to forgive her for being a bitch. She’d have to work harder to show Cookie she’d changed, and wasn’t that horrible person he’d had to deal with in the jungle, but maybe she could do it.
Julie was aware that sometime between last night and today her attitude had shifted, but she’d thought long and hard about what Patrick had said the night before. She’d come to the conclusion that he was right. And more than that, she wanted to be with him too. And if that meant she had to put on her big girl panties and apologize and take whatever the SEALs wanted to dish out to her, she’d do it. Patrick was that important to her. How that had happened so quickly, Julie had no idea, but it had.
And besides, she needed to move on with her life, it’s why she’d moved out to California in the first place. The nightmares had increased since she’d seen Fiona, and it was obvious she needed closure. Whether or not any of them forgave her was almost secondary at that point. She’d do the best she could, and that would have to be good enough for her psyche.
Julie was feeling mellow, enjoying the warmth of the sun and the breeze off the water and satisfied with her plans for her future, when she heard the first shout. She ignored it, figuring it was kids goofing off in the surf.
When more shouts came, they sounded more panicked than the first. Julie sat up and opened her eyes, shielding them from the sun with one hand. There were about twenty teenagers in the water, yelling and frantically waving their hands, yelling for help.
Julie looked around. There were three lifeguards running toward the ocean. She knew there was no way the three of them would be able to help all of the people in the water. They needed more help.
Julie reached for her phone almost without thinking. She swiped it to open it and pushed the contact button. She pushed Patrick’s name and watched the horror unfolding in front of her with a sinking feeling in her stomach.