“The ship is a place.”
“Aye. There, you have me.” She patted the railing behind her head. “The ship does warrant the loyalty, the love.”
“And your father must have fond memories of England since he had you tutored by Englishmen.”
“I honestly do not know what my father thinks of his homeland. We have never talked about it.”
“I get the sense that you and your father do not talk of much, aside from the ship and the crew.”
“That…” She pointed at him, ready to defend her relationship with her father, but then her finger crooked, deflated. “That is quite close to the truth. He does not like to speak of the past, nor does he like to speak of the future. I know very little of what is in his mind—but that does not mean I do not love him. He is my family, above everything, and he is all I have.”
“I meant no disrespect, Katalin.”
“Thank you for saying so.” Katalin’s eye caught slight movement on a sail, and she stood, walking closer to the edge of the quarterdeck to stare at the fabric for a minute. No movement. It must have been her imagination. She walked back to Jason, stopping in front of him. “As I was saying, I cannot condone ill speak of my father, even if it comes from my own mouth.”
Jason stood, blocking the direct moonlight to her face. “Have you ever thought of leaving this life, Katalin?”
She looked up at him, trying to read his eyes that were now in the shadows. He had just asked the question she had never dared fully broach in her own mind.
Turning her head, she looked at the waters past the stern. “I cannot leave my father. His eyesight is near gone. His health stoops him—he cannot move without the cane now. He depends on me too much to handle certain…affairs.”
“Such as captaining his ship.”
“Yes. Among others.” Her hand went on her hip, and she looked at his face, noting how dark the stubble along his jaw looked, yet still she could see the white scar that ran the length of his face, from his left temple to his jaw. She would have to ask him about that someday. “The threat on his life is valid, Jase, and I will do what is needed to keep him safe. And the crew. I cannot leave them. I love this ship, love being a captain too much. It is the life that has been ingrained in me since I was a babe. How you feel about England, I feel about the Windrunner.”
“But do you not wish to be married, have children?”
“This is who I am, Jase. I cannot be a woman. A real woman with a family and a home—I cannot even imagine that. I am a captain and I cannot be more. If I was more, everyone would see me as a woman. And women are not allowed on ships such as the Windrunner.”
“Pirate ships?”
“Privateering ships. And the code is the same whether we are pirates or privateers.”
“I do not believe you.”
“No?”
“I think you are more, Katalin. Much more, whether you admit to it or not.” He took a step closer to her, staring down at her, deepening the shadow she was under. “You are kind and witty. You harbor fierce loyalty. You adore your crew. You are smart. You care about that goat because you have to have something to nurture. You managed to take me from wishing for death, to hoping for life again. And just by talking to me. You did that. As a woman, not as a captain.”
Katalin’s jaw dropped slightly, and she turned her head from him, dodging his eyes. She had no words against what he had just said to her. Nothing. No man had ever talked to her like that. Ever looked at her like that.
His hand went to her chin, and Katalin almost jumped away at the shock of his fingers on her. But her feet were lead and offered no escape.
He gently tugged her chin forward so she had to face him, even if her eyes could not meet his.
“Do you not wonder, Kat? Do you not dream? In all of our nights together, I have never touched you—never said anything to make you uncomfortable. But I am going to now.”
His hand dropped from her chin, but he did not back away from her. “I like you, Kat. I more than like you. At first, I was just happy to have a friend, to have someone to talk to. But it turns out that you—you I would like whether we are on this ship or in a London drawing room. I like your spirit, Kat. And I do not think I am wrong in saying that in our time together—you are relaxed, happy—not a captain. Am I wrong?”
Katalin rubbed her forehead, index finger slipping under her bandana as Jason’s words sunk in. Making her entertain thoughts she had no right to entertain. No attachments.
She found her voice. “I am not stupid, Jase. Of course I recognize that I am happy. That you make me happy. That I look forward to talking to you. Being with you. You make me laugh. You make me feel. Of course I see all of that. But I do not know what to do with it.”
“This. This is what you do with it.”
His lips were on hers before she knew what was happening, before she could sense his intentions. She froze, losing herself to his lips, soft in the sea of hard, demanding stubble. To his hand sliding behind her neck, tilting her head. To the shiver that ran down her back as he captured her bottom lip, teasing it. To the taste of him slipping into her mouth.
Just as Katalin’s eyelids dropped, blacking out her world to only his kiss, Jason pulled away, taking a step backward. Her eyes flew open.
With his face still in shadows, she could not discern his thoughts, but his breath came quick, and his deep baritone went even lower, gruff. “That is what you do with it, Kat.”
Before Katalin could blink, he stepped around her, disappearing down the stairs and below deck.
What the hell was she to do with that?
~~~
Three more days passed with spotless blue skies. Just windless sun.
They were supposed to have been in port by then, and every day that passed, Katalin was finding it harder and harder to keep the morale on the ship even. To keep her own morale even—and that was not helped at all by the fact that she had been completely avoiding Jason since he kissed her.
Every day, Katalin was sure it was to be the day winds would float their sails again. They were still near a small splattering of islands where they could replenish water, gather fruit, and hunt a wild boar or two. They only needed the slightest bit of wind to get there.
But the wind never came.
It was in the middle of windless day twelve when she left her cabin after checking her charts, ignoring the gnawing pain in her empty belly, only to find an empty deck. Not good. She went below deck and was greeted by a ring of her full crew outside of the galley.
Katalin swallowed hard at the sight, steeling herself. They looked desperate. Hungry. Accusing. She forced her right hand to remain casual at her side and not slide to the hilt of her cutlass.
Frog was closest to her, and the one they must have volunteered to speak. Unlike the others, he didn’t look accusing, only apologetic. Admirable, for he was one of the burliest of the crew and had to have the worst stomach pains.
“We scraped every bit o’ the ship, Cap’n, time and again. We cin find nothing, Cap’n. We cin catch nothin’.” He shifted uncomfortably, his hand scratching the back of his head under his greying ponytail. “Nothin’ Cap’n. We done everythin’ we could, Cap’n Kat. We even waited. Days. But we can’t no more, Cap’n. We only have one thing left aboard, Cap’n.”
His eyes flickered down to Chomper standing next to her leg. The goat had wandered out of her cabin, following Katalin like always.
She stopped her hand from flickering to Chomper’s black ear. She had known it for days. Chomper’s milk had dried up a week ago, as had her usefulness on a ship. But Katalin had still held onto hope, still held onto the possibility of the slightest breeze sending them on their way.
But no breeze had come. No waves had rolled.
Her gaze swept over her crew, meeting each and every one of their eyes.
They weren’t going to force her, she could see that. But they were judging her. Judging what her choice would be.
Chomper was no longe
r her goat. Chomper was now the last food they had. The last way they could survive.
She nodded.
A collective sigh hit the crowd.
“I cin take him to Cook, Cap’n,” Frog said, stepping towards her.
“No. I do it.” She looked down at the top of Chomper’s head. The goat was busy nibbling on the bottom seam of Katalin’s shirt. Katalin didn’t push her away, as she usually would have done. Chomper could have her damn shirt if she wanted it.
Katalin’s finger slid along the wiry hair at the back of Chomper’s neck. She knew she didn’t need to guide the goat, that Chomper would follow her regardless, but she needed her fingers on Chomper while the goat was still living and breathing.
One last time.
Chomper nudged the back of her leg as they started forward. The crowd split, and Katalin and Chomper moved forward into the galley.
Katalin closed the small arched door behind her.
She stood in the middle of the empty galley for minutes, hand still in the warmth of Chomper’s fur, staring at the pots and knives.
There was no food in her belly, but that didn’t stop the dry heaves she had to swallow at the thought of what she was to do. Her father’s sudden voice echoed in her head.
No attachments.
Everything on board must serve the ship.
Serving the ship is the only thing that matters.
Katalin pulled the short knife, her father’s knife, from the scabbard at her waist.
Serve the ship.
~~~
Jason stood in the back of the crowd. He could only catch glimpses of Katalin through the jostling men in front of him. He was taller than most of the men, but she was shorter than most, and the angle afforded him only brief snippets of her face through the bandanas and braids in his way.
But then the crowd split, and Katalin silently walked through the men, hand on Chomper’s neck, and into the galley. The door closed softly behind her.
Jason’s stomach rolled. Was he the only one that saw Katalin’s face crumble at the mention of Chomper?
Sure, they were hungry. Days past hungry. But they could last a few days more. How could the crew not see that?
Minutes passed. Jason had never heard the crew as silent, as still, as they were in those moments.
The galley door swung open.
Katalin stepped from the galley, grimacing smile on her face. She lifted her bloody knife high above her head and thrust the tip of the steel into the wood along the door, leaving it protruding. “We eat, me hearties. We eat.” Her voice was loud—too loud.
The crew bellowed their approval, and Katalin slipped by their fists raised in excitement, their hands slapping her shoulders in approval. By the time she moved through the crew and passed by Jason, he could see that her hard smile had started to fade.
The rest of the crew surged forward, dispersing, some into the galley, some above deck. But Jason turned, watching Katalin retreat up the stairs to her cabin, her head fallen.
Allowing distance, he followed her, only to see her hand slip twice on the latch to the door before she caught a solid hold on it and opened it, disappearing into its confines.
Jason backed down the stairs, watching the continued celebration in front of him, but could not stop his eyes from swinging back to the stairs up to the captain’s quarters. Silently, he slipped from the crowd.
Stopping at the captain’s door, he paused. A pause that only lasted a second before he rapped on the door. No answer. His knuckles hit the wood again.
“Aye. Come in.” Katalin’s voice sounded strained.
Jason opened the door, slipping in and closing it behind him.
Katalin stood, hands on her hips, chin tilted down even as she stared up at him, daggers in her red-rimmed eyes. “Yes? Your business?”
He took another step inward, closing the distance between the two of them in the cramped space. “Are you sound?”
“Of course. Why would I not be?”
His head cocked at the harsh snap in her voice. “It is acceptable to love something, Captain Kat. To care about others, even if the other is a goat.”
She cackled a forced laugh, spinning from him, arms crossed atop her belly. “Captains do not love, Jase. It is an emotion that does not serve the ship. My father made sure I respected that fact long ago. Anyone—anything—can come and go from this vessel, and I am to care naught except for what they can contribute to the ship. How they can serve the ship. It was simply that goat’s time to serve the ship. I do not care, beyond the bellies it can fill.”
“No, Captain. I disagree. You care about your crew. You cared about Chomper.”
She looked over her shoulder at him. “You do not get to disagree, Jase. You do not get an opinion. You have not lived this life. You do not know what you speak of. No attachments. Death is too easy on these waters. It rewards no one to love. No one.”
She turned completely away from him as her hand jerked up to her face, and Jason could see her wiping her cheeks.
“What do I care of a stupid goat?” Her arm went down, tightening the hold she had across her stomach. A hold that was only partially successful at holding in the shaking her body was determined to do.
Jason silently shuffled forward, gently setting both of his hands on her shoulders. She twitched at the touch, but did not jerk out from the hold. “You work so hard not to be vulnerable, Katalin. But you are.” He set his lips closer to her ear. “I see it. For all the blindness the others have for you, I see it.”
She shook her head. “The others learned long ago to see nothing in me but my father. The lines he drew amongst his crew. He was harsh, but they knew exactly what was and what was not expected of them. They respect that. They do not look for cracks in me. They do not want to see them. Not like you seem to be intent on doing.”
“I see the obvious in front of me. You hurting.” His hands slipped down her arms, following the grip she had on herself. He pulled her back to his chest, tightening his hold. “Am I to turn away from your pain because there is some archaic code on your ship? Turn away when I can slip my arms around you? Help shoulder the burden on your heart?”
Her head went down. For a moment, her body shook uncontrolled. Uncontrolled except for her fingers which had gripped his forearms. Gripped them like a lifeline.
But then she took a deep breath.
And with the exhale of that deep breath, she growled, jerking away as she spun to him, her palm up between them. “Do not, Jase. I do not need this. I will have no attachments. Whatever game you play with me, it will not work.”
“The only game I play is honest sympathy, Katalin.”
“It is Captain.” Her hands went back to her hips. “And I do not wish your sympathy, nor is it welcome aboard this vessel, boy.”
Jason blinked at Katalin’s sudden flash of rage, and his hands went up, palms to her. “I know you are under unyielding pressure, Captain, but not from me. I only want to help, I only want—”
“You do not understand a thing, boy,” she said, venom in her voice. “There is no way you can. The only thing you can do for me now is leave.”
Jason opened his mouth to counter, but then stopped when he saw her eyes—pain and rage and confusion brewing a dark storm in the blue—and instead gave a slight incline of his head. “As you wish.”
He took a step backward to the door, grasping the handle behind him. “I assume you will not be eating?”
She shook her head, mouth tight.
“I will abstain as well, then.” He opened the door, taking a step out.
“You gain no favors from me by starving, Jase,” she said, her voice low, near breaking.
He stopped, eyes pinning hers. “I do it out of respect. Loyal goats are hard to come by, and yours deserved more than its end.”
He moved out of the cabin, clicking the door closed after him.
{ Chapter 5 }
The sails filled early in the morning three days later. Within eight hours, they
were dropping anchors in a small cove at one of a chain of small, uninhabited islands.
The least important on the ship, Jason rode the last trip of the longboat into land, and by the time he set foot in the shallow blue waters, Cook already had a roaring fire near the beach and was dismantling a wild boar.
Barefoot, Jason stood in the shallows of the water, gentle waves rolling over his feet.
Land.
It was the first time he touched dry land in more than two years. He swayed, having a hard time not falling to his knees in gratitude. It was not land he could stay on, but it was land. A gift.
He afforded himself a moment to bend down, grabbing sand in his hands, clutching it to make sure it was real. Once fully assured of reality, he looked around. Green trees and jungle vines growing unhampered lined the beach, the ocean and wind the only thing saving the sand from the thick brush. Above the line of trees in front of him, Jason could see the island rose above, reaching a tall peak a good distance inland.
Already, the crew was milling about, the rum flowing freely and the worry of the windless days long forgotten. A tight group surrounded Cook, drool slipping down their chins as they watched the boar meat get spiked above the coals pulled from the roaring bonfire.
Jason caught sight of Katalin down the beach with another six of the crew, laughing as Poe sliced through a guava on a rock and handed her a slice. She bit into it, juice running down her chin.
She had refused to speak to Jason since the day of Chomper. Avoided him at every turn. Would not meet his eyes. And refused to leave her cabin at night.
Jason forced his eyes away from her.
No attachments. She demanded no attachments.
Her choice. Not his.
Jason set off with several of the crew to collect more guavas and papayas, eating his fair share as he piled them high near Cook.
Hours later, fat with fruit and boar meat, and having already replenished countless water casks, Jason found himself picking his way through the thick island foliage up the rocky mountainside. Swearing at the hidden rocks tearing his bare feet, Jason’s eyes were on the ground when he stumbled into a clearing.
Hold Your Breath 03 - My Captain, My Earl Page 4