Her forefinger traced the three lines of scars that were under her nose, slowly running across the ragged edges where smooth skin made way to raised pink damage. “These scars. I hate them and I adore them.”
She shifted her head to kiss the closest scar, the low light from the lamp flickering shadows across his back.
Jason tightened under her, the hard muscles in his back straightening against her nude body. But he did not move his head or open his eyes.
“I do not know how you could possibly utter the word ‘adore’ in the same breath as ‘scars.’”
Her hand slid up along his ribcage to his shoulder, where her fingers traced a slow dance along his jaw. “They brought you to me. So while I hate that you had pain. Despise that someone delivered these atrocities upon your body. They brought you to me. They made you take up arms against your captors. And that made me notice you. Bring you aboard. How can I do anything but adore them?”
His eyes finally opened to her, and he spun in the bed, lifting her up and resettling her on his chest. “I am going to have to reassess my opinion of them.”
She hovered over him, her face above his. “You had to live through their creation, so you keep your opinions on them. But I—I get to adore them. Give them the honor they deserve. They are a part of you.”
“Speaking of honor, my dear Kat.” A smile played on his lips.
“Yes?”
“You need to stop calling me ‘boy’ when you are mad at me. I am at least five years your senior.”
She thwapped his shoulder. “I only do it when you deserve it. And today you deserved it. Of course I was mad. You put yourself too damn close to the port railing at least six times today when we were pitching. You did not keep an eye on the ocean. I have seen too many men swept to sea to not be mad at where you were. You deserved every lashing of my tongue today. Especially now that I know you cannot swim.”
“You taught me how to swim.”
“You are a sinker. You proved it. I will not have you swept overboard, and if I have to call you ‘boy’ to make that happen, I will do just that.”
“I was where I was needed on the ship.” He fingered a tendril of her hair that had escaped the front of her braid. “Serve the ship, Captain Kat. Your rule.”
“No. No Captain.” Her head nudged back and forth as her lips landed on his chin. “Not when I am naked atop you. If anything, you are captain in these moments, Jase. It is already proven I will do anything you order me to.”
“It is? Anything?”
She worked down along his jaw, her tongue tasting his neck. “Have I denied you any of your demands?”
He laughed. “No, not yet. But that must be because I have not been imaginative enough.” His hand slipped under the back of her braid, half undone, and he ran his finger down the back center of her neck. A motion he knew sent shivers down her spine. “I need more time when I am not beaten and weary from the ocean. How long do we have?”
“Today slowed us down,” Katalin said. “It will take a day, maybe longer, before the tear the main sail suffered today will be repaired. We will not be to top speed until then. Beyond that, it will be four days if the sails are full before we reach port.”
Katalin watched as Jason’s eyes went hooded, his smile disappearing.
“I meant until I had to disappear back below deck,” he said, voice stilted. “Five days, Kat?”
“No. I see your face, Jase. No. Do not.” She pushed herself up off of him, swinging her legs to hang along the side of the bed as she turned from him.
“We cannot ignore it, Kat. We will reach port and then what?” He sat up, hand on her shoulder. His voice had turned soft. “I have thought of nothing else since the waterfall.”
“No.”
He reached out, grasping her chin, gently turning her face to his. “I refuse to give you up, Katalin. I can imagine no other course.”
“You need to return to your home, Jase. You will not be whole again until you do.”
“Yes, yes, I do need to return home. But you make me whole, Kat. You. It has shocked me how completely and without mercy you have invaded my being.”
“But your home.”
He shook his head. “I do not know how I can trade one for the other, Kat. I need to return home, but I need you with me. Please, Kat, please come with me. At least consider it.”
His words—the possibility—sank into her mind. She wanted to tell him. Tell him that she was terrified, deep in her chest, at the thought.
She had never lived in his world, only her father’s. On the ship. On the island. Surrounded by the crew. It was what she knew—all she had ever known—and she was good at it. A loyal daughter. A fair captain.
What was she except a sailor? And once they were in Jason’s world, what then? He hadn’t been with his own people in years. What if all of this, their time together, would pale once his feet were back on solid land?
He wanted her now, she knew that, but in England? Would he still want her then, after he regained all that had been lost?
And what would happen to her father if she left? The crew?
The thought of leaving them. Terrifying.
She wanted to tell him all of that but could only manage meager words. “I do not think I can. I cannot abandon my father. The crew.”
“Kat, please—”
She shook herself as she grabbed his wrist, bringing it to her lap. She looked down at his arm, staring at the light of the lantern flickering across his tanned skin. “Jason, I do not want to figure this out right now. I want to enjoy you. Enjoy us.” She looked up, meeting his green eyes, the dark flecks in them smoky. “I know, deep down, you need to go back to England. And that is not where I can be. Not with who I am. What I have done.” Her words choked off.
“I do not ask you to be anything you are not, Kat. I want you exactly as you are before me.”
Her fingers went over his mouth, silencing his words. “Let me have this, Jase. These moments. Without talk of the future. Without worry of the future. I cannot enjoy this moment if I am consumed with the next. You were the one that told me we could do this. Leave worry for the future. Enjoy the moment. Please, just give me this, Jase.”
He opened his mouth against her fingers, and Katalin could feel his breath exhale, ready to argue.
But then he stopped, closing his mouth to whatever he was about to say. He nodded, grabbing her hand, clutching it—a lifeline to a man who couldn’t swim.
{ Chapter 7 }
Two days passed, and Jason came to her every night, yet left before dawn for a hammock below. He spoke no more of her accompanying him to England.
It was in those dark, empty moments after he left—empty bed, empty cabin—that Katalin had begun to face the very real prospect of a life without Jason.
She didn’t like how it felt.
Damn him for sneaking into her life, her mind, her heart. She had been content before him. But now she hadn’t been content since he had touched her by the waterfall.
Her mind was consumed by him during the hours she had to deny his existence. And when she was with him, she was consumed with making the seconds last as long as possible. None of it brought contentment. None of it brought peace. Only a mad, wildly happy heart when they were to together, and conversely, a gnawing, raw heart when apart.
She ached for him during the day, sternly keeping her eyes off of him, and when he came to her, it was another world. A world of passion and acceptance and moments where she felt more herself than she ever had.
On the third night after he had left her cabin, it had only taken minutes before the walls of the room became suffocating. Looking to escape the sleeplessness, she escaped up to the quarterdeck and the darkness of the night.
Pup Joe was manning the wheel, eyes on the inky seas around them. The crew still called him “Pup” because he was the youngest of them. But he was still at least ten years her senior, so she had always just used his name. She stepped up next to him. “Ye can head b
elow, Joe. I will take watch.”
Joe jumped. She was quiet on the decks, and he wasn’t the first she had surprised in the middle of the night.
“Ye sure, Cap’n? Me eyes be bare able to open it be so still an’ quiet up ‘ere, but I cin ‘andle it.”
“I be sure, Joe. Below deck fer ye.”
He nodded, dragging his feet as he moved down from the quarterdeck, and disappeared below the main deck.
Katalin set the wheel and stepped away, reaching the starboard railing. She placed one forearm long across the wood, leaning forward as her eyes scanned the gentle swells closest to the ship. The tips of the waves glittered in the slim light from the lantern Joe had lit. The skies were still spotty in their overcast, several thick lines of clouds blocking most of the moonlight on the waters. To the east, though, Katalin could see a slew of stars shining, free from the cloud cover.
A pang of sadness hit her. As lonely as it was to be in her cabin without Jason, being up here without him—without his soft, deep voice filling her night, without his curiosity, without the way he looked at her—this was even worse. The night was black. Empty. The magic of a confidante, a friend, gone.
She shouldn’t have sent Joe below deck so soon.
“I could not sleep, Kat.”
His low voice reached her, both startling and tightening her chest. She could not turn around right away, instead, had to draw a deep breath to settle her body and mind.
Control regained, she drew straight and spun to him. He stood at the edge of the quarterdeck, shirtless, his rope-tied slops casual about his hips. Barefoot as usual, even though she had procured boots for him days ago.
Arms along his sides, his right hand clenched and unclenched. In the low light he looked unsure of approaching her. Ridiculous, for the things he had done to her body just hours ago.
“You are not alone,” she said, and swore at herself that her voice wasn’t as strong as it should have been.
He took a hesitant step toward her. Stopped. Then shook his head, swiftly closing the distance between them. He halted just before her, his arms still at his sides.
He looked down at her, eyes searching hers. Serious eyes. Eyes that were trying to invade her soul.
“Marry me, Kat. Marry me. I want you as my wife. You are already mine. Mine where it matters.” Eyes not leaving hers, he reached out and grabbed her left hand, bringing it up to spread her palm across his heart. “But that is not enough. I want you as my wife. Before God and man.”
Katalin blinked hard, trying not to sway as she took in his words. She had not expected this. “What?”
“I believe I made a grievous error days ago. I do not think I was direct in my intentions when I asked you to be with me. That was my mistake. It was what I was thinking, marriage, but I was not direct in my words. I was still coming to terms with it myself.”
His left hand came up, settling along her neck. “Make no mistake, Katalin, marriage is what I intended when I asked to be with you. I need you as my wife. And I also never want anyone to give you less than all of the respect you deserve.”
Her breath held deep in her chest, Katalin could barely form words. But her hand tightened on his chest. “Jason, it was never about marriage. It is about my father, the ship.”
“Captain any damn ship you want to, Kat, I refuse to leave your side. And if that means I do not return to England immediately—I will do it. Someday I will convince you to accompany me there, but until then, I will only be by your side. I will not lose you to your father or the ship for my own selfish reasons—just because I wish to return to my land.”
Her head shook. “I do not want to trap you, Jason. In all honesty, you have not seen a woman in two years. I have been rather convenient. You may feel very different once we reach port.”
A slow smile, heated, spread across his face. “The only thing that has been convenient about you, Kat, is how our bodies fit so perfectly together. And I will be brutally honest—I sure as hell want to trap you. I want—need—you close to my heart, my body. On land. On sea. I have come to the conclusion that it does not matter where. It only matters that my soul knows we are to be one. That will never change.”
She could not turn from him, but her head tilted back, eyes to the night sky. Clouds cleared, stars now twinkled above them. Consistent stars—always the same, always her guide.
But what purpose was a guide if she never needed it? If everything remained the same? If she stayed on these waters she knew for the rest of her life, what purpose did that guide serve? What would happen to her if she didn’t take this chance, this happiness that was hers when she was with Jason?
All she had to do was accept it.
Her eyes dropped to his. “I cannot keep you from the land you love, Jase. I refuse to. It is part of who you are. It is engrained so deeply within you it would be a sin to keep you from it.”
“But Kat—”
Her right hand joined her left on his chest, both palms flattening over his heart. “Yes. Yes I will marry you, Jason. I love you, and I will not keep you from your home.”
“You will come with me?”
“Yes. I will go to your home with you, your land. I need to see, feel why it is so important to you.”
His arms clamped around her, steel against her softness, and he lifted her. Arms wedged in front of her, Katalin couldn’t move, couldn’t even look up at him he had her so completely buried.
But it was perfect. All she wanted was to keep her cheek on his bare chest, breathing in his essence. His essence giving her strength against the future. Whatever the future would hold.
He spun, letting his hold loosen as he set her feet on the deck. He leaned back against the railing, legs spreading as he kept her snuggled close to him.
The smile on his face, and everything she saw in his eyes—gratefulness, love, passion, awe—took away any last doubts she had.
Jason cleared his throat. “Now that I can breathe, I do have to disclose, so it does not come back to haunt me—when I said you are perfect as you are—I meant it—except for one thing.”
Her eyebrow cocked. “Which is?”
“You will, unfortunately, need to be out of breeches and in a proper dress, you realize? Once we get to England, that is. Society’s rules, not mine. I would love to have you always in breeches.”
She laughed, then gave a dramatic sigh. “Yes, I had considered it, and I must admit it almost broke the deal.”
Groaning, he squeezed her, producing a shriek. But in the next motion he made up for it, pulling her onto him and kissing her soft and slow, like he had all day just to adore her lips.
When they broke, it took moments and deep breaths to gain control against the fire in her core, begging for him to take her. The sun would be rising too soon to get that in.
“There is an island we will be passing tomorrow,” she said. “It is slightly out of the way, but I can make an excuse for a stop there, even though the crew is desperate to get to port. We have friends there, including a man of God—self-proclaimed, though I doubt that matters. He has known me and my father since we arrived in these waters. He has always been good to me. He can marry us. I do not wish to have to convince my father of our plan to marry—he will put up too many barriers. And it is not his choice. It is mine. But if we do not marry before we reach Snakehorn, he will make it his choice.”
Jason’s jaw took on a hard line. “I am not afraid of your father, Katalin. I would prefer to have his blessing. It is the honorable way.”
“As would I. But he is much more likely to bless it if it is already done. I do not want to give him a chance to give me an ultimatum between choosing you or him. Please, Jase, just let it be this way.”
After a moment of thought, of watching her face, he nodded. “Your desire is my command, Captain.”
She smiled. “Thank you, my captain.”
~~~
Katalin stepped from the small room in the back of the adobe church. She smoothed down the skirt of the
fine silk dress, hued in the lightest peach. It was a nervous motion, she knew, but Jason had never seen her in a dress. Naked, yes, but never in a dress.
Jules, the ever-fussing wife of Pastor Robert, had dragged Katalin to the back room the moment she realized what was about to happen. She wasn’t about to allow Katalin to wed in her ship clothes.
Jules had bustled through a short rack of dresses hanging in the back room before pulling one and holding it up to Katalin’s body to size it. Not allowing Katalin to protest, Jules had her in the dress and was freeing her hair from their braids before Katalin knew what was happening. She wondered with curiosity whether Jules kept the selection of gowns there for just the purpose of hasty weddings.
Stepping from the back room into the small church, Katalin saw it was empty save for the sack of booty they had brought with them for Pastor Robert and the needy. The booty had been her excuse to stop at the island, and once she had made it to shore with half the crew and asked for brawn to carry it, the crew had happily volunteered Jason for the job, as she guessed they would. None of them wanted to hike up the side of a hot mountain to the church. They all liked sitting and drinking too much, now that they were so close to home.
Katalin walked to the main door, finding Jason and Pastor Robert chatting in the sunlight beating down on the front of the orange-clay church. Jason’s rugged handsomeness stood up to the bright sunlight, and he looked as proper as proper could be with only the rogue clothes she could find on the ship. Though tight in the arms and shoulders, the dark blue jacket she procured fit him well enough over his white linen shirt, still wide open at his chest. He had on the boots she had found for him days ago, the black leather stretching up over his calves, giving a sense of polish over the bare feet she always saw him in.
Handsome. Handsome and hers.
She stepped forward to join them, and Jason turned to her.
She watched as his eyes lit up upon seeing her, and then his jaw slowly slid downward as he scanned her body. She had left her braids half-in, her hair pulled off her face, the braids crowning her head until the locks loosened and fell in waves down her back. She smoothed her skirts again, but her nervousness had dissipated. Jason’s reaction told her he found her pleasing in a dress. So much so, that he looked as though he wanted to tear the gown from her body—in a good way. A very, very good way.
Hold Your Breath 03 - My Captain, My Earl Page 7