He had trusted her once.
He was not about to make that mistake twice.
{ Chapter 13 }
Katalin shot straight upward the second consciousness hit. Gasping, it took her a moment to realize she was in a bed in the room she was staying in at Curplan.
“Good, you are awake.”
Katalin’s head swiveled to find her cousin sitting by the bed, a lamp shining light on the book open on her lap.
“How long have I been out? I fainted?”
“Yes, you did. And you have not been asleep for too long. A few hours,” Reanna said. “I did not wish you to wake up alone, if you did not remember passing out. It is disconcerting.”
Katalin rubbed her forehead, trying to clear the fog in her mind. “You say that as if you know exactly what passing out feels like.”
“I have blacked out once or twice.” Reanna shrugged. “Mine were from cracks on the head, though. Much different. And mine were also not preceded by some of the oddest behavior I have ever witnessed.”
“Odd?” Dread flooded Katalin.
“Do you not remember?”
“I…I…”
“You fondled the face of the duchess’s brother.”
“I did? That was real?” Katalin covered her eyes, mortification setting in. “Yes. I know. I did.”
“So I must ask—why would you do such a thing? Is it a custom where you grew up? Or a sailor’s custom? It was very strange.”
“Custom? No. Nothing like that.” Katalin’s hands dropped from her face. “I know my mother told you about my past—you are very curious about my life, Reanna, are you not?”
“As a cat.” Enthusiasm flooded Reanna’s eyes. “Aggie and I have been entirely anxious to get you alone away from your mother, truth told.”
Katalin chuckled. “I must admit to the same thing. You both seem delightful, and I have never had friends.”
“Never?”
Katalin’s mind shot to Jason. She quickly shook her head. “No. Never any female friends.”
Finger slipping into the book to hold her place, Reanna leaned forward, patting Katalin’s knee. “We will have to remedy that in the days to come.”
She sat back, eyeing Katalin. “But that does not answer for your odd behavior. Do you know Lord Clapinshire?”
“Who? Lord Clapinshire?”
“Yes, the man you fondled. Oh, I suppose you did not catch his name when you were introduced?”
“No. I suppose I did not. I do not know the man.” Katalin answered too quickly, and she knew it. She slowed her words. “Lord Clapinshire, you say? You said he is the duchess’s brother? What is he doing here? Does he know anything about me or why I am here?”
“No, not to worry on that. He knows nothing about you, nor will any of us share the privileged information about your history,” Reanna said. “Lord Clapinshire is merely here because he needed to talk to my husband and the duke about their shipping company. I do not know what it was about. An emergency of some sort, I imagine. He did hold up admirably under your…hands, though.”
“Thank you. That does put my mind at ease,” Katalin said.
“I must ask, Katalin, why would you fondle him so? I do not wish to continue to pry, but if something like this were to happen at a ball or a dinner, it would be disastrous for you. I would just like to make sure we know what is going through your mind to avoid such a thing in the future.”
Katalin groaned inwardly. She had no excuse. None that she could actually share. And she could tell Reanna was thinking she was slightly daft.
“I do apologize,” Katalin said. “I did not wish to ruin the evening. I have no explanation for my actions. I have been overwhelmed since I arrived, and I thought I knew the man. The stress of this. It is all so much. So very much. My mother is…”
“Hard?”
Katalin nodded, eyes pensive. “Hard…Yes, that is a good word for her. I mean no disrespect.”
“None is taken,” Reanna said. “I know her. And I both understand her—understand how she is—yet at the same time, I do not understand why she is like she is.” Reanna leaned forward, squeezing Katalin’s hand. “She can be crusty, very hard to know, to talk to. But believe me when I tell you she is also the most generous person I have ever known. She does care—deeply—but she seems to have no way to show it outwardly. But that does not mean the kindness and the caring is not in there.”
“I had always been told she was dead.” Katalin frowned. “And then I found out she was alive, and was willing to help my father and me—and I guess I just had imagined her differently. Hoped for different.”
Reanna gave her a sympathetic smile. “I can imagine. But just be patient. I know my aunt can be much more than what she has shown these last few days. This is probably overwhelming not only for you. It probably is for her as well.”
Katalin nodded. She hoped so. She truly did.
~~~
Reanna left her once she was assured Katalin was well. Claiming she was going straight to sleep, Katalin instead jumped out of the bed the second the door closed after Reanna.
Throwing a robe over her chemise, she waited a few minutes before she cracked open her door to find the long hallway empty and dark—perfect.
Creeping through the shadows of the enormous home, Katalin eventually found what she was searching for—the sounds of male voices. She followed the voices, slipping into a dark room next to where they came from. She assumed the men were in the study but couldn’t be sure. She had mostly just been ushered from place to place in Curplan.
She found a spot along a dark wall in what appeared to be another drawing room. She needed to be able to hide in case someone entered, and the tall draperies next to her would do nicely in that situation. Most importantly, she could hear the male voices in that spot, though they were muddled and she could not make out words—but she could definitely make out Jason’s deep baritone.
Then she waited.
And waited.
It was hours before the voices quieted, and Katalin heard the door to the study open and close. Footsteps thudded on the wood floors. One…two…three sets of footsteps. Katalin moved into the shadows in the hallway, trailing the men up the stairs.
At the top of the steps, the marquess split from group, going left while the other two went right. From her spot low on the stairs, Katalin waited until the marquess entered his room before she slid up into the opposite hallway.
The duke was just entering a room as she peeked around the corner down the long hall. And that left only Jason.
He walked down the hallway, past her mother’s room, her father’s, and her own. Three doors past hers, he stopped and disappeared into a room.
Heart wild, Katalin stood in the shadows, gaining courage. She needed desperately to go into his room to see him, but at the very same time, was terrified what would happen once she did.
Her husband.
Her dead husband. Alive and well and here.
And not acknowledging her.
Katalin inhaled deeply for fortitude and set her bare feet forward.
She opened his door and stepped into the room, silently closing the door behind her.
A lit fireplace crackled light into the room, and Jason stood, back to her. He had already removed his jacket, cravat, vest, and boots. And for an instant, Katalin could imagine him on the Windrunner, bare feet, white shirt, slops hung low with a rope belt.
“You are real.” It was the merest whisper from her lips.
He spun, facing her, his white linen shirt open wide on his chest. And not the slightest bit surprised by her presence. “Yes.”
“Not dead?”
“No.”
She gasped, her hand at her throat. She had seen him hours earlier, she knew that, but the shock was just as raw as it had been hours before.
He took a step to her, his eyes guarded. “Do not faint on me again.”
“Do not ask it of me.” Katalin tried, but could not get air into her lungs.
She started to sway.
Jason grabbed the nearest chair and slid it behind her, pushing her shoulder down until she was seated.
He stood, arms across his chest, staring at her while she fought for air and consciousness. All she could do was stare at his bare feet.
Minutes passed, and Katalin’s breathing finally calmed, her eyes able to focus.
“Tell me when you have regained your sensibilities.”
Her head jerked up. “Can I touch your face again? I see things…I fear…”
“I am real, Kat. As real as I was the other day at the willow tree.”
Her mouth dropped. “That was you?”
“It was.”
She flew up, slapping him hard across the face. “Bastard.”
Feet not moving, his hand went to his cheek, rubbing the skin with nonchalance. “So your sensibilities are back.”
She shoved his chest with two fists, mostly because he deserved it, but also to prove he was alive and breathing and right in front of her. It sent him back a few steps, yet still, the cool detachment was all she saw.
She swallowed the steps between them, setting herself only a breath away from him. “Damn you, Jase. Why? Why didn’t you come to me? I thought you were a ghost. Why didn’t you come to me? Oh my God.”
Her hand flew over her mouth and she staggered backward at his silence. “You were alive. Alive. Why did you not come to me before this? Why not on the island? Why did you not find me, Jason? Why?”
“Why did I not find you?” His eyebrows arched as his arms re-crossed over his chest. “Why? You delivered a death sentence to me at that trial, Captain. And then you left me there to die. And you dare to ask me why I did not find you?”
“Oh, God, no. No.” Her breath sped out of control, her head spinning. “No—you don’t understand—my father—he promised me he would save you. All I had to do was say what I did at the trial, and he promised me he would save you. And then he brought me out to the ship. He told me it was too late, that you were already dead. But I didn’t believe him. I refused it. I would have felt it. I would have felt you die. I tried to get back to land.”
“You did not try too hard.” His voice was venom.
“No.”
Loud. Too loud.
Jason’s hand whipped forward, clamping across her mouth.
She grabbed his wrist, ripping his hand away, but her voice was in check, low and hissing. “My father had to tie me to a damn bed so I would not jump overboard to swim back to the island to you. I was not leaving without proof. Not until I saw for myself. He cocked me over the head and not only tied me up, he had to lock me below to stop me.”
“And after that, Captain?” Fists cracking his own knuckles, his own voice pitched louder. “Days, months, and you could not find a way to me? Find out the truth? Roland got me out of there. How could you not know that?”
“What? He did? No. My father lied? I have seen Roland—he lied to me?” Her head flew back and forth as her voice lost all bitterness, falling to a whisper. “But I started seeing you. In my dreams. Walking on the shore. Sitting across from me at dinner. You came to me. Your ghost.”
She looked up, tears brimming as the enormity of all that happened hit her. “You were in my dreams, Jason—everywhere I looked. And I started to believe you had died. That was the only explanation. That was the only reason I would see your ghost everywhere. And I could not…could not stand…”
“Could not stand that you killed me?”
She crumpled in half, her arms tight around her belly, her chest clamping short all breath, all heartbeat.
He said the words.
The words she heard in her own mind—the words that had haunted her in every minute of every day for the past two years.
She killed him.
Reeling, she stumbled to the door, unable to look at him.
Her hand on the doorknob, she stopped, looking through her tears at the door in front of her.
“Lady Southfork asked me if I knew you.” She took a gulp of air so she could force words, but could not bear to look back at him. “Do I know you, Jason? Do I?”
“No.”
She closed her eyes, fighting the one word. After a silent moment, she opened her eyes, hands wiping the wetness from her cheeks as she attempted to stand straight.
“Good.” She nodded. “That should make this easier, as that is what I told her.”
{ Chapter 14 }
Another day of fittings, but Reanna did manage to arrange a short reprieve for Katalin. Her cousin had snatched Katalin’s mother to oversee some of the trim work the dressmaker had gotten to. Reanna knew her aunt would want to control that, down to the stitch, so it gave the perfect reason for Reanna, the duchess, and Katalin to take a stroll through the gardens.
The duchess pushed her baby, Andrew, in an elaborately carved baby carriage on the gravel pathway, humming a tune to him. The crunching of the gravel, along with Aggie’s hum, prompted his eyelids to start drooping, but he fought the sleep, trying to keep his eyes open on Katalin.
Katalin watched his chubby cheeks, his tiny mouth smacking, entranced. “How old is he, your grace?”
“Four months, plus a few weeks.” Balancing the bar of the carriage with her wrists, the duchess took off her short white gloves, reaching down to caress his cheek with the back of her bare knuckles. Baby Andrew’s head turned, nuzzling into the touch. “Four months that are beyond words—I cannot even describe how much I adore this little being.”
“I can imagine,” Katalin said. “He is a wonder. I do not think I have heard him cry once since we arrived.”
The duchess chuckled. “How I wish that were true. I will have to tell the nanny she is doing a spectacular job at whisking him away at the right moments.”
The baby’s eyes closed, peace relaxing his face, and seeing it, sudden tears brimmed on Katalin’s lower lashes.
She forced her gaze away, trying to blank out her mind by concentrating on a tall wall of sculpted evergreens lining the outer edge of the garden. Inhaling deeply, she drank in fresh air, the smell of hydrangeas sweet in the soft breeze.
The day had turned unusually warm for September, with humidity reminiscent of a hot August day. The warmth brightened Katalin’s spirits, as it reminded her of what a cool winter’s day on her father’s island felt like.
Reanna paused along the long border of a raised plant bed, bending over to pluck a rogue weed from the flowers. A long root came up. “The gardener hates it when I pick his weeds, he thinks I am judging his skill, so we need to walk to the woods so I can toss this without him knowing.”
“Gladly, the longer I am outside, the better,” Katalin said. “I have never spent so much time indoors.”
“Your life on the island—you must have spent most of your time outside?” the duchess asked.
“Yes. Father’s house is positioned for the breeze, but it is always more comfortable outside. There are numerous shaded verandas and porticos. But that has been difficult, keeping me out of the sun to lighten my skin. Father said it was necessary, but the lack of activity has made me soft.”
“Soft?” The duchess laughed. “You forget that I have seen your arms, not to mention your whole body, coming in and out of the fitting room. You have muscles I have only seen on my husband.”
“Am I too manly?” Katalin asked, suddenly worried. “My mother did not mention it, but maybe she was being polite?”
“Polite? My aunt knows no bounds when it comes to molding the finest young ladies of the ton,” Reanna said. “She presented me as well, so I know exactly what you are going through. Tell me, have her hands been all over your breasts?”
“What?” Katalin sputtered a cough. “Yes. How did you know?”
Reanna shrugged. “She did it to me as well. She is particularly obsessed with getting the exact right height of neckline on the gowns—showing enough to entice but not too much to be crass. She finds it an art form. Up, down, squeezed, separated—she spent hours getti
ng my breasts just right above the trim of the gowns.”
Katalin’s mouth dropped. “Thank goodness. I was beginning to think it quite strange.”
“You will get used to it.” Reanna stopped, shaking her head. “No, that is a lie. One never gets used to that much fondling. It is incredibly humbling. And she has cold hands. But if you can smile at least inwardly at the absurdity of it, you will be able to suffer through.”
Katalin chuckled. “I will have to try that—the inward smile, lest she think I am enjoying it.”
They continued on down the path, three wide, Katalin in the middle. But the moment there was silence, Katalin’s mind wandered to Jason. She shook herself. She couldn’t think of him. Not now. Not yet. She had spent most of last night in a sobbing heap on her bed, and she could not crumble in front of her cousin and the duchess.
“Please, talk to me of something other than social mores, and gowns, and titles. Anything.” Katalin’s eyes pinned Reanna. “You. Tell me of those times you have been knocked out. You did not say it, but it sounded like there was quite a tale behind those words.”
Reanna laughed. “I do love your directness, Katalin. And you are right, there is a tale—but if you want to hear about excitement, you should ask the duchess how she met her husband.”
Katalin’s head swiveled to Jason’s sister. “Your grace?”
“Please, call me Aggie.” Her hand left the carriage to squeeze Katalin’s forearm. “And if you truly want to hear it, I will tell you. I must warn you, though, you are not the only one with a past that needs to remain discrete. But since you have entrusted us with the secret of your past, I see no reason why you cannot keep mine.”
“You have my complete, and may I say, very piqued attention, Aggie,” Katalin said, eyes wide.
Reanna laughed, pointing at Aggie. “Your interest, Katalin, is more than warranted for what has happened to this one.”
Aggie smiled, their steps quickening. “Has anyone ever told you about the east side of London?”
~~~
Katalin was immensely grateful for the full day. Between her long afternoon with Reanna and Aggie, and the poking and prodding of the dressmaker under her mother’s eyes, it had kept her mind off the one thing she didn’t dare to think about.
Hold Your Breath 03 - My Captain, My Earl Page 12