* * *
After my session with the Audit Committee I take a long lunch break while I pull myself together, then head over to a police station to give a statement about last night’s excitement, then back to the office to chip away at the paperwork mountain. And I’m still there at seven o’clock in the evening when my desk phone rings.
“You’ve got to come home,” says Bob: “Spooky needs you.”
“But I don’t need Spooky.”
It’s seven o’clock and everyone but me and Mhari have gone home. I told them all not to bother coming in before noon tomorrow unless they feel like it. They’re still catching their breath from the weekend madness, and I’m playing catch-up from the weekend, the Home Office grilling, and an exciting visit to the library. It feels as if I’m drowning in work, but it can’t wait. Right now I’m paging through a list of rare music manuscripts that are missing from a certain archive, trying to figure out if there’s anything here that might give us a handle on Freudstein’s goals or interests—
Bob sounds distressed: “They’re sending me away tomorrow!”
“What?” Does not compute. Suddenly I find myself paying complete attention to the phone call. “What do you mean?”
“I have to go up to Dunwich. Angleton ran a lab there for dangerous experiments of some kind and they need me to defuse the defensive wards. It might be an overnight trip, but having seen what he did to his office, it could easily take me the rest of the week.”
Work can wait. “Where are you now?” I ask.
“In the kitchen.”
Oh damn. “This long-distance telephone tag is no good,” I tell him. I hit “save” on the laptop, leaving the list of stolen manuscripts for later. (Judging by what his minions took, Freudstein must really like obscure nineteenth-century violin pieces.) “How about I come round? Do you want to call for a carry-out?” Hope begins to rise. “I know you’re scared of L—the violin, but I figured out a way to secure it overnight.”
“Let’s do that,” he says after a pause. “Make a formal date of it?”
A date? In my own home, with my own husband? How strange: something about his offer makes me shiver, but in a nice way. “Yes, let’s do that.”
“Love you,” he says, as if he needs reassurance.
“Love you, too, dear. I’ll be about an hour.”
* * *
It takes me ten minutes to prepare my suitcase, grab my violin, and lock up the office. Mhari looks up as I pass her open door. “What’s up?” she asks.
I show her some teeth: “I’ve got a home to go to. See you tomorrow.”
She wrinkles her nose. “Don’t you want to see the list of what Freudstein grabbed?” She looks affronted. “I pulled in favors to get this report, Mo—”
“Oh.” Wait. “Is that the same list I got three hours ago? Because if—”
“Nope.” She turns her laptop so that the screen points my way. “This is what Officer Friendly sent round fifteen minutes ago. They eliminated duplicates and struck off a lot of items that got thrown on the floor when Freudstein went through, and we’re down to about fifty possible primary targets and maybe two hundred other items. But.” She flashes me a feral grin: “I asked the archivists at Dansey House to cross-reference them against our classification index.”
Oh. “Good thinking,” I admit. I lean Lecter’s case in the doorway and cross over to her desk. She can probably hear my heart thumping involuntarily but she gives no sign of it as she pointedly turns back to her computer. “Did they find anything?”
“Not much,” she admits. “But there’s a lot of weird-ass shit—that’s their term, by the way, not mine—in the BL stacks, and some of it is possibly interesting. Did you know they had the score to a rock opera composed by Charles Manson on file?” Her brow wrinkles: “It’s a bit shit,” she admits. “But that’s not all. A whole bunch of esotericists dabbled in musicology over the past couple of centuries. Freudstein stole an organ piece by Aleister Crowley, to be performed in Coventry Cathedral—the old one, before it got bombed during the war—during a thunderstorm to summon the Great Salamander of Galvanism, whatever that means. Bloody show-off. Then there’s Delia Derbyshire’s symphony for fixed-disk storage systems that requires about two million pounds’ worth of 1970-vintage IBM 370-series mainframe: apparently if you move the disk drive read/write heads fast enough they make screeching sounds at set frequencies. And there was an operetta of The King in Yellow, scored as a violin concerto. It’s all rare stuff, but it’s hard to put a cash value on it—it’s not like the Bank of England heist. Maybe Freudstein’s trying to steal the sound track to a low-budget horror movie?”
I sigh. What kind of sense do any of Freudstein’s activities make? We’ve got a no-shit Mad Scientist on our hands and no idea what on Earth he’s trying to achieve; in terms of profiling him (or her) we’re a complete bust right now. “You done good,” I assure her. “But I really have to be going: domestic emergency.” Bob wants the cat tray cleaned. “Can you email it to me for tomorrow? I mean, unless there’s something so time-critical that it really can’t wait for morning . . .”
“Sure.” She sounds slightly disappointed. “No, nothing that can’t wait. Probably.” She pushes her own chair back. “I could be going, too,” she says quietly, as if trying to convince herself.
Knowing we’ve at least got a handle on the extent of the robbery salves the pain very slightly. Which I need because the long hours have finally gotten to me. The adrenaline surge from my grilling by the Auditors has long since worn off and I feel, not to put it too crudely, like a used dish-rag.
I catch a bus most of the way home, then walk the last half kilometer. The suitcase seems to gain an extra kilo with every step: by the time I get to the front door I’m almost staggering, so I lean close enough to push the doorbell with my nose, and wait.
Seconds pass. Then the door suddenly opens and I fall into the welcome arms of my husband. “Mo—” I drop my suitcase. “Ouch!” It lands on his foot.
“Sorry,” I murmur in his ear. I have a double armful of husband. World’s best teddy bear/security blanket, combining intimacy and sex. What was I thinking, letting go of him? Oh. Right. The violin case I’m holding behind his back suddenly weighs a ton. I reluctantly relax my grip on him: “Let me in, I’ve got stuff to put down.”
“Food can be ready whenever you want,” he says, taking a step back. He looks me up and down with evident concern: whether for my well-being, or because he’s worried I’m about to explode, isn’t immediately obvious. “Come in, Mo. Make yourself”—a sad little chuckle—“at home.”
I step across the threshold, shove the door closed, and look at him. Same old Bob, maybe beginning to go a little thin on top. Are those new worry lines etched around his eyes? He’s wearing the Hugo Boss suit I made him buy for meetings, albeit tieless, which is ultra-formal in Bob terms—I am acutely aware that I look like I’ve been dragged through a hedge backwards. “Will dinner keep? Because I want to hit the bathroom first. I’ve been living out of a suitcase for days.”
“That makes two of us,” he says. “Don’t worry about the food, I can heat it up.” Now he looks obscurely disappointed.
“You look great.” Which is a little white lie—Bob never looks unreservedly great unless I put some effort into his turnout—but I want to build bridges, not burn them, and he seems to want to make an effort. The past week has been the cinematic trailer for Divorce: The High-Budget Remake, and it’s not a movie I plan on buying a ticket to: I don’t even want it on cut-price DVD, thanks. I put the violin case down, then close in on my man for a hug and a kiss. I was hoping for something more than a peck on his sandpaper cheek: disappointment stabs briefly. “Sore at me?”
“A little,” he admits.
I make a second attempt, and we smooch like awkward teenagers for a few seconds. Not only is it unsatisfying, one or both of us has morning b
reath. I pull back: “I really need the bathroom?” I say. “Freshen up and a quick change—then I’ve got a surprise for you, if you’re still serious about us dating. Half an hour?”
He thinks for a moment, then nods. “I’ll feed Spooky and lay the table. She likes to sleep on a full stomach.” He looks at me, and I shiver pleasantly and raise an eyebrow, and he twitches back, and suddenly I know we’re on converging courses again. We’ve been together long enough that we can read each other’s signals.
“Deferred gratification,” I warn him, then grab my suitcase and violin and flee upstairs.
* * *
How do you prepare for a date when you’re worried you’ve irreparably damaged your marriage?
I shove my violin case in the wardrobe again, lock it, and check the ward I put there last week is still working. Then I make sure the damn cat isn’t hiding in the bedroom, strip off, and head for the shower. It’s not actually as good as the one at the office (we have no booster pump at home, just traditional British plumbing that predates the last ice age) but it’s mine, in my own home. That makes up for all defects. Also I’ve got a shower cap, which shaves half an hour off the process.
I raid the bedroom closet for my special underwear, then slither into the other dress I bought for the diplomatic junket and didn’t get to wear. It’s not so much cocktail hour as black tie: a black silk number that I knew at the time was a bit too daring, but couldn’t resist. Floor-length skirt slit as high as my stocking tops, lace bodice with short sleeves. At the back of the shoe rail I have a pair of five-inch heels I shouldn’t have bought in the first place, so high I can’t descend a staircase in them without a handrail—then I add lipstick and eye-liner. This is silly, I think. It’s bedroom cosplay. I wouldn’t dare wear this combination in public: but in my own house, with my own husband, who isn’t terribly good at doing subtle . . .
“How’s the food, dear?” I call down the stairs.
“Are you hungry?” he replies from below. In the living room, I think. “Because I can have it ready in fifteen minutes.”
He’d better not: I have other plans. “I’ll be right with you!”
I manage to descend the stairs safely, then mince into the living room and strike a pose. Bob is sitting on the sofa with a half-empty glass of red wine in one hand, reading something on his tablet and looking morose. I notice he’s actually wearing a tie—a piece of fabric to which he’s just about allergic. For Bob this is more than smart: he’s making a weddings-and-funeral-grade effort. I’m touched. The moment lasts almost a second, then he notices me. He drops the tablet and puts the wine glass down and stands up hastily, looking dazzled. “Do you like this?” I ask.
“I, um—” He licks his lips. “Wow! You said you wanted a date, I didn’t think you meant a night at the opera—”
“I didn’t.” His pupils dilate. I look into his eyes and see my own need mirrored there. I step close to him and take hold of the end of his tie. I tug, gently. “Come here, husband.” He makes an unfamiliar growling noise and zombie-shuffles closer, then remembers to wrap his arms around me and pull me close. My bedroom-only heels are so high that I’m actually looking down into his upturned, wondering face. My great big teddy bear doesn’t do subtle: you have to tell him what you need very clearly. “It’s not the opera, dear. I just want you to fuck my brains out.” God, I’ve missed that side of things.
“What, right now—” I silence him with a kiss and reach for his fly. His brain might be stuck at deer-in-the-headlights, but below the belt he’s getting the message. He kisses me back with increasing urgency, finally realizing that I’m serious and he’s not hallucinating. I crouch down and open his fly and lick, then suck, until the taste of his skin fills my mouth and I can feel his fingers tangling in my hair and he begins to make a noise like a stovetop kettle’s whistle. “Oh God, Mo,” he moans, and I shiver. I give him a last kiss and stand up.
“Do me,” I tell him. “Right now.” He picks me up and carries me to the over-padded sofa, where he lays me down, carefully parts my legs with his hands, and sets fire to me with his tongue. I close my eyes and fantasize my faceless dream lover in his place, and I begin to shudder. Then, when he’s sure I’m as desperate as he is, he climbs on top of me and we mate like frenzied forty-year-old mammals who know it might be their last time ever.
* * *
We make it to the kitchen eventually—in my case by way of a diversion to the bathroom to undo some of the worst of the damage. I confront myself in the mirror. My hair is back to being a nest fit for crows, my lipstick and eyeliner are smeared, one lace stocking is slightly laddered, I left my shoes and best knickers on the living room carpet, and my fortune cookie says there will be a big dry cleaning bill in my future, so why is my reflection glowing? Sounds carry much too well in this house, and I can hear Bob whistling as he putters about the kitchen. I ache pleasantly and I’m hungry and he’s about to feed me. Life is suddenly more than good: it’s wonderful.
I fix what I can fix, bounce downstairs, and ease my feet back into my bedroom shoes because I want to serve notice on Bob that we aren’t done yet. Then I tiptoe through into the kitchen, where pleasant smells are wafting from the fan-assisted oven.
“Nearly ready!” he says cheerfully, pulling back one of the kitchen chairs for me. He has actually unearthed the linen tablecloth, a wedding present that sees the light of day less than once a year. There are lit candles and a bottle of overpriced pinot noir, and he’s laid out the silver-plated cutlery set my grandmother left me. “Cheers!”
“To us!” I say, raising my wine glass. His is nearly empty: I can see I have some catching up to do.
“To that,” he echoes as the kitchen timer goes off, then he hurries to unload the oven.
The food is nothing special, but it’s after ten o’clock and I’ve worked up an appetite, and Bob knows how to spice up a Chinese takeaway enough to bring it up to overworked-busy-restaurant standard. I force myself to leave a third of my food unfinished; Bob is still eating so I stretch my leg out and play footsie with the inside of his calf. I’m still extremely hungry, but not for food.
“Bob,” I begin to say.
He sighs. “We can’t both stay the night.”
“What?” I do not need this right now.
“There’s—” He puts his chopsticks down and swallows. “Still the problem.” He is crestfallen.
Oh, that. “What if I’ve got a solution?”
That gets his immediate attention. “What kind of solution?”
I tell him about the ward on the wardrobe. And the key. “Here it is.” I slide it across the top of the table. “Put it somewhere safe and don’t tell me where. That way I can’t accidentally get my hands on the violin in my sleep. If there’s an emergency and you can’t retrieve the key, there’s always the crowbar under the bed.”
“Which will . . .” He looks at me so hopefully it’s almost heartbreaking. “You’re sure you can live with being parted from it that way?”
“Proximity works. I don’t need to hold him—it—the whole time.” I shake my head. “He just has to be within reach. The wardrobe by the bed will do, and you’ve got the key.”
He looks at me, still concerned. “You tried this.”
“Yes. And it was still in the wardrobe the next morning.”
He licks his lips nervously as I force myself to wait, patiently, for him to see sense. Sex or safety, which will win? His face relaxes slightly, cheeks drooping just a bit. “You want us both to stay the night.”
“When did we last have sex like that?” I ask rhetorically. We share a knowing glance. Yup, sex is winning. We’re at or past the ten-year mark: things have calmed down to a weekly tempo, subject to work-related travel and other irritations. But things haven’t been going so well since the Iran business, and then we just had a week of enforced separation. What we just did in the living room is unprecedented in r
ecent years. It’s why I married him in the first place, and just sharing that sly look of complicity with him has set me tingling again. “Have you eaten enough?”
He looks at his bowl. Then he looks at me. His smile is luminous. “Food can wait. I suppose you want the main course now?”
I ease my chair back and stand, then tiptoe around the table towards him. He meets me halfway. “In the bedroom this time,” I murmur into his ear. “Nice and slowly. It’s not as if one of us has to rush for the last tube.”
* * *
We go upstairs after dinner and this time we take the time to undress one another—at least, he wants me to undress him—he likes me to keep some of my underwear on. We make love until we’re both sore and exhausted and it’s more painful than ecstatic, and then I make him fuck me a little more because I have an aching Bob-shaped emptiness that I want to fill. He falls asleep sprawled half on top of me, an hour after midnight, slowly withdrawing. World’s biggest teddy bear: a comforting weight, almost suffocatingly heavy. I shift around until I can breathe comfortably, then spend so long thinking wistful middle-aged thoughts about the bathroom that I, too, fall asleep.
Unfortunately my sleep is not dreamless. I’m on the black and white dancefloor again, whirling in the arms of my faceless white-clad partner—early twentieth-century ballroom, not Viennese opera or New Romantic gothic clubland—this time wearing a long white debutante gown and flat pumps. ***You disappoint me,*** he says, in my father’s borrowed tones: ***I thought you were Daddy’s girl.***
I realize that I got the scene wrong; it’s not early twentieth-century ballroom, but early twenty-first-century Promise Keepers, father-and-daughter religious freaks dancing to century-old melodies. Outrage and anger squeezes scatology from my lips: “Fuck this shit!” I scream, words I don’t use much in waking life. I try to stop and stand my ground, but he won’t let me—I stumble and he whirls me onwards on resisting feet. “My father never abused me! You’re lying! Stop trying to gaslight me! You’re pushing a button that doesn’t exist!”
The Annihilation Score Page 16