I felt lost, weak. Who dies in a fire I kept thinking, it's not right. They can't have died in the fire. Not all of them. Nine people don't die in a fire. Where were they. I started to feel angry thinking that they were fine and had just selfishly left me out of the loop. It was unfair, why would they do this. I hated them. I could picture Rosie being held back somewhere by the others, being able to see me, collapsed on the beach, lost in heartache and she was trying to get to me and tell me she was fine and they wouldn't let her go. Adam and Edwin trying to reason with her. Why are they doing this?
I cried, dry tears, I had nothing to give. I was a shell and if Rosie could see me she would hate me for having given up so easily. Why hadn't I run into the hotel to save her. I couldn't even manage to swim to the boats, that's how little I cared, she would know that I didn't love her. I couldn't even manage tears. She was better off being held back by the others. I am pathetic, lost, hollow, I am nothing. I thought about Jessica. I hadn't even tried with her. She was probably looking down right now at the crocodile before her, smiling.
I wallowed in self-pity and self-loathing for an hour or so, clinging to the hope that someone would appear and everything would be fine.
I thought maybe they had walked over the hill in the distance. They must have escaped the fire. I started to hope. They must be walking to the cottage, maybe they couldn't take the cars for some reason, maybe the boats didn't have any fuel in them.
I picked myself up off the sand and uneasily walked on my feet to the car. Each foot in front of the other with nothing to hold on to but hope. I stumbled into the open door and mindlessly began to drive. The car rocked as I drove over one organ and then another but I didn’t mind, it didn't hurt my head, I was numb.
The driveway was empty, the loose stones were untouched. The cottage was alone and I sank into the concrete steps leading to the front door. I gave up, I let my mind go blank, no hope, no love, no loss it was too painful to consider, so I didn't.
The slates on the barn needed replacing. A small patch had blown off and shattered on the floor. I needed to cut the grass too, and the wild flowers were overgrowing. Weeds were breaking free through cracks in the driveway. The vines needed to be pulled back, no doubt they were trying to tear the thick stone wall of the barn apart. I should get Chevy some company, it is not fair for him to be alone in that field.
I fingered through the packet of cigarettes in my pocket and freed the last one. I lit the end and walked through the barn, over the sunken concrete troughs and under the rusting metal bar that hung pointlessly over the doorway. I walked to the bridge over the stream and dangled my feet above the water. I pulled at some windflowers from the bank and held them in my hand.
At first I thought it was Chevy approaching me in the corner of my eye. One lonely soul sensing another. I ignored the shadow, too melancholic to provide or receive comfort.
It was Adam. He slowly mounted the fence, one leg after the other and as if nothing had happened called out to me.
“Here you are. We've been looking for you.”
“Adam.” I shouted, trying to stand up, and slipping, unable to control myself. “Where's Rosie? Where is she?”
“She's on the boat. Don't worry. She's on the boat.” He said trying to hold back a smile.
“Thank you.” I repeated and hugged him.
“Yes, let's go back.” He said and gestured towards the sea.
“What happened?” I barely managed to say.
“Up at the hotel?” He asked and then answered his own question. “In the morning.” He paused. “One of them got through you see. Biggest one I’ve ever seen yet. Roger spotted it and set it on fire, but the blasted thing was too big. We didn't have enough flammable stuff to kill it and it kept coming. It broke through the main entrance, and it was still on fire. We couldn't knock the bloody thing out. The hotel went up in flames pretty soon after. All that wooden furniture.” He stopped and patted me on the shoulder. “Not everyone made it.”
“Rosie?” I panicked.
“No, no, as I said she is okay.” He paused. “Harry, I’m afraid Roger.”
I was too numb to take it in. The word, his name, just floated around my mind with no associated meaning.
“I know you two were close, Harry, I’m so very sorry.”
I still couldn't hear him, I couldn't feel it, there was nothing there, there was nothing, I wanted to tell him that we weren't close, that Roger was just Roger, I just kept wiping away my tears, and I couldn't speak, I couldn't ask him how, I tried and my mouth curled and the words didn't come out, and my eyes felt heavy, and they hurt, I kept wiping them and I couldn't speak. I kept wiping my eyes, and the green fields around me were a blur and the sound of the waves crashing in the distance was decimating, but I couldn't hear them. Adam put his arms around me and I fell onto my knees and starting sobbing over his shoulder in the middle of the field with the hills rolling into us.
We walked the rest of the way. Adam didn't say much more and I couldn't speak. We reached the shore and climbed into the dingy and motored to the boat, it was the boat they had brought the paintings from London in. I felt the water with my fingers and shut my eyes. The sound of Rosie's voice shouting to me lifted more and more over the sound of the engine and I tried to smile to her, but I couldn't.
When we reached the boat Mr Farnham grabbed my arm and hoisted me up the ladder and Rosie came towards me, she was crying and she put both hands on my cheeks and kissed me, and with all my strength I put my arms around her and squeezed as if I was afraid to ever let go, and I told her I loved her.
Table of Contents
6th July
9th July
10th July
11th July
12th July
13th July
16th July
17th July
18th July
29th July
3rd August
4th August
12th August
13th August
15th August
17th August
18th August
19th August
14th December
15th December
16th December
25th December
14th January
19th March
20th March
The Days After Page 14