by Brenda Grate
The thought sent panic skittering along Anna’s nerves. “Actually, it could hurt. It’s terrifying. What if I tried and couldn’t do it?”
“I know. I know how you feel.”
“How could you?”
“I felt it the first time I ever displayed one of my paintings.”
“So, you’re the pot calling the kettle black.”
“Maybe a little,” Mel conceded, “but I still paint. I just don’t show anyone because I’m not very good.”
“How do you know?”
“I’m an art expert, Anna, I know. But for me, I don’t care. I paint because art is my passion. I display it and tell others about it, educate people. I don’t have to be a famous artist to be happy. I’m thrilled just to keep company with them and dabble in my own little way. Not everyone needs to be famous. Some people shouldn’t be.”
“Maybe that’s me too.”
“Maybe.”
“Why do you sound dubious?”
“Because there’s never been any other option for you. Catarina di Rossi is your mother. It will come out and people will buy your books. It’s the hand you’ve been dealt and you’ll have to live with it. You’re fading into the wallpaper, my friend, and it breaks my heart. Now that I know about your mother, all the pieces finally fit. I understand, maybe not everything, but I have a good idea why you are who you are. You’re a wonderful woman and I love you deeply. But there’s a huge part of you missing. I can see it in your eyes.”
Anna looked at her lap, ashamed.
“Look at me. I wasn’t supposed to say anything and now I know why. But, I love you and I’m going to tell you.”
Anna looked back at Mel. “What do you mean you weren’t supposed to say anything?”
“Catarina di Rossi herself called me and asked me to put on the show. She offered me her painting.”
“What?”
“Well, I didn’t know why she would pick our small gallery, but I do now, of course.”
“What are you talking about?” Even Anna could hear the shrillness of her own voice.
“She said she had a new painting she wanted to lend to a small gallery. She wanted me to put on an art show and feature it. She said the whole town must be invited.”
Anna sat stunned, her stare never leaving Mel’s face.
“She asked me not to tell anyone where I got the painting or why I was putting on the event, but of course, I had no issue with it. It was the coup of a lifetime for me. I’m sure you understand.”
Anna nodded.
“She wanted you and Jilly to see it, I’m sure of it. Why else would she pick here? Why our tiny gallery? She knows you both live here, even if you didn’t tell her, and she’s reaching out to you.”
Chapter 16
Anna pulled up outside Jilly’s house. She took a minute to collect herself before she got out of the car.
Gregg answered the door and invited her in for dinner.
Anna followed Gregg into the kitchen. Chinese takeout sat on the counter. Matty and Jilly were at the table, each with a full plate.
Jilly looked up and Anna had to hold in her gasp. She leaned down and kissed Jilly’s pale cheek. She looked like she hadn’t slept in a week.
“Auntie, Auntie!” Matty bounced in his chair until Anna gave him a kiss and a hug too. Then he dug back into his dinner. She smiled at Gregg. He smiled back, but it looked a little strained at the edges. Uh oh, what’s going on here?
“Would you like a plate, Anna?”
“Sure, thanks.”
They ate and talked about inconsequential things. Anna felt anxious to get Jilly alone so she could bring up her talk with Mel, but Jilly ate like a turtle. Anna finished her meal first, even though she’d started much later. Soon, though, Jilly pushed her plate away. Matty had already finished and Gregg had taken him to his room.
Anna helped Jilly clean up the dishes and then asked, “Would you like to go for a walk with me?”
“Actually, I’d like to show you something.”
“Okay.”
Jilly dropped the tea towel on the counter and Anna clenched her fists, resisting the urge to put it away properly. Jilly led the way to her studio.
Anna looked at Jilly’s determined face with surprise. She hadn’t been in there since Gregg first unveiled it and her sister had showed it to her with pride. There was a much different mood going into it this time, although Anna couldn’t pinpoint exactly what kind of mood.
She froze on the threshold. She had never seen a painting like it. It drew her in, though.
“It’s shocking, isn’t it?” Jilly asked in a quiet voice.
“Well, yes,” Anna said. “But in a good way.”
“What?” Jilly turned to her. “What do you mean a good way?”
Anna approached the canvas and studied it. “It speaks to me strongly.” She examined it and let her words flow, just like Mamma always did. “A part of my self recognizes it. I’ve felt that way before. Like I could scream with all my might but no one would hear me.
“The colors are rich, full of emotion. I see anger, but I also see sadness, depression, and small spots of happiness. It’s not all negative emotion, in fact the negative emotion is trying to overtake the positive, but it’s not succeeding.” Anna stepped back and turned to Jilly, satisfied with her assessment.
Jilly didn’t respond, just stared at Anna, disbelief on her face.
“What, Jilly, what is it?”
“You like it?”
“Are you serious?” Anna asked. “I love it.”
All the stiffness went out of Jilly’s body and her face began to light up with hope. “I thought it was horrible, that it would repel people. I wanted to show it to you, I don’t know, I had to show it to you. If you were disgusted by it, I don’t know what I would do.”
“Actually, it’s a breakthrough,” Anna said in her serious older-sister voice.
“How?”
Anna could tell Jilly had thought the same thing, but she wanted it confirmed by her sister.
“You’ve never painted what was inside you, Jill. You are crazy talented, but you’ve only painted what you thought was nice or acceptable. Mamma knew that too.”
Jilly closed her eyes and shook her head. “Let’s not talk about her, okay?”
“Okay, for now. But, this,” Anna waved her hand at the painting. “This is you. This is what you should have been painting all along. You were repressing your real passion. I don’t know if it will always come out like this. This painting was your subconscious finally saying enough!”
Jilly smiled, a look on her face Anna had never seen before. Her eyes were soft and sparkly, her mouth turned upward just a little. Her face no longer had the sharp outline she normally carried. Even the stiffness had gone out of her shoulders.
Anna pulled her little sister into her arms and hugged her. “I’m proud of you, Jilly-girl. Unbelievably proud of you. You’re going to be famous, you know.”
Jilly squeezed Anna hard and then pulled back. “How do you know I’m going to paint again?”
Anna laughed. “You will.”
Gregg poked his head into the room. “Isn’t that an incredible painting?”
“Yes!”
Jilly looked at Gregg, a bewildered look on her face. “I thought you hated it.”
“Why would you think that?”
“The look on your face when you came in a while ago. After I finished the painting.”
“I was worried about you, silly.” Gregg put his arms around Jilly’s back and turned her toward the painting, his chin resting on the top of her head. “It’s really good. Astonishing, in fact. I think you should show it to Mel. I bet anything she’d want to put it in the gallery. You’d get a good dollar for it, baby.”
Jilly laughed. “I love you guys. I don’t know why I held back so long.”
“Fear,” Anna said quietly.
“You’ve felt it too. You’re doing the same thing, Anna. You stopped writing just like I st
opped painting. Here I’ve been feeling sorry for myself, depressed and wallowing and didn’t even notice you’ve been struggling for so long yourself.” Jilly pulled Anna into a strong hug.
“Why?” Jilly asked. “Why did we do this to ourselves?”
Gregg smiled at Anna over Jilly’s shoulder and left the room. He’s a smart man, that Gregg. Knows when the emotion is getting too high and he gets out while the getting’s good.
Chapter 17
The plane touched down on the tarmac with a soft thump. Jilly gripped Anna’s hand, grinding the bones together until Anna squeaked and wiggled her hand free. Jilly shot her a quick look of apology and turned back to the window. The lights of Toronto lit up the dark night sky, the sight bringing a warmth to Anna’s heart that she hadn’t expected. She was home, and for the first time, realized she’d missed it.
Catarina didn’t know they were coming. They had argued long and hard over whether or not to tell her—Anna for, Jilly against. Anna agreed not to call Mamma since her sister was willing to make the trip. They had no idea what they would say to Mamma when they got there. The only thing they agreed on was that they needed to go.
They sat quietly while the plane taxied to the terminal. Jilly grabbed Anna’s hand again, more gently this time, and gave her an “I’m trying to be brave” smile. It was wobbly at the edges, but she made a good effort.
Before they’d left, Anna had finally submitted her Princess Jilly stories to a publisher. She had spoken to Cliff who gave her the name of an editor he knew personally who was interested in children’s books. Anna had typed them up and Jilly did the illustrations. They’d had a lot of fun with them. It had only taken them a couple of weeks to put them together since they knew the stories so well. Anna was proud that their skills so complemented the other. Working on the stories helped keep their minds off the upcoming reunion.
The acceptance call from the editor had come only that morning as she waited for the taxi. She’d had to get off the phone quickly, but had the editor’s number and would call as soon as they reached their hotel. Anna squirmed in her seat a little, still starry-eyed that her Jilly books were going to be published. She was glad the acceptance had come through before her trip home. She felt better knowing she’d at least found some success before seeing Mamma again. She hated to admit it to herself, but she still wished to hear Mamma say she was proud. Is that still a pipe dream?
The plane came to a stop and they collected their luggage. Jilly gave her another nervous look as they waited for the passengers to start moving off the plane. Anna squeezed her sister’s shoulder as the churning started in her own stomach. It was like a butterfly ball.
They sat on opposite beds and stared at each other. Neither wanted to pick up the phone and call Mamma. They’d both had a restless night. They’d talked well into the night and then slept until ten.
Finally Anna couldn’t stand the suspense any longer. She picked up the phone and asked the front desk to get them a cab.
“Why a cab?”
“We’re going over there.”
“Now? What if she’s not home?”
“Then we go back another time. I think we need to see her face to face. We’ll figure it out as we go.”
Anna stood and picked up her purse. She’d left the dolls in the carry-on. They would be in town for at least a week, so there’d be enough time to decide later what to do with them.
“Come on, let’s go.”
Jilly slowly got to her feet and picked up her own purse. “Are you sure about this?”
“No more than you are, but it’s the only way. We discussed this.”
“I know we discussed it,” Jilly snapped. “I just didn’t think it would be so hard.”
Jilly looked terrified. She had always needed Mamma’s approval more than Anna did. When she didn’t get it, it nearly crushed her spirit. The thought of being rejected once again was probably almost more than she could bear. Anna felt the familiar anger rise. She hated it when anyone hurt her sister. She’d developed the mother-bear instinct after so many times finding Jilly crying from some insensitive remark Mamma made.
They held hands and waited outside for the taxi. When it arrived, they got into the back together. Anna directed the driver to the Rosedale area. She saw his surprised look in the rearview mirror and turned away. It might be one of the wealthiest areas of Toronto, but she’d always felt wealth was overrated without love.
Toronto had grown in the decade since she’d left. Always a huge, sprawling city, it had now grown even larger, taken in more of the cities nearby. As they got closer to Rosedale, Anna stared at the familiar houses and buildings. She’d passed them so many times they seemed familiar and yet foreign.
The taxi pulled up in front of a large colonial house. The tempo of the butterflies in Anna’s stomach increased into a mad dance. She paid the driver, and they got out. Anna’s legs shook so hard she had to lock her knees in order to stay on her feet.
“Oh, Anna, what if she’s not home?”
“She usually is in the morning. She’ll probably be painting.”
Jilly gave a quick nod and marched to the front door where she knocked with force. Anna trailed after.
The door opened and a stranger’s face looked out at them. “Yes?”
“Oh,” Jilly said. “Is Ms. di Rossi home?”
“Who might I ask is calling?” the woman asked, her manner stiff. She wore a uniform, although it wasn’t a formal one. She must be a new housekeeper.
“Jillian and Anna.”
“Your last names?” The woman definitely put her nose in the air a little.
“di Rossi.” Jilly trumped the woman with her frosty tone. “Can you not see the resemblance?” Jilly waved a hand toward Anna.
The woman looked closer at Anna and her superior manner deflated with her exhaled breath. “Please, ladies, come in.”
They stepped inside, the memories rushing back like a flash flood.
The house gleamed, immaculate as it had always been. The house smelled strongly of lemon. As the scent filled Anna’s nose, it brought with it a thousand memories, flashes of her life in this house. Nothing had changed, except herself. It looked like all the furniture still stood in the same places, like a shrine set up for an imaginary life. They hadn’t really lived in this house. It was a home to a pretend family. Why did we come here? Anna clenched her hands together, then wiped her palms on her jeans and clasped them together again.
The housekeeper led the way into the salon, as Mamma had always called it. She’d set it up as the formal room for receiving visitors. Anna still remembered the day they’d moved into the mansion. Jilly had only been six, so the house was where she’d grown up. But Anna remembered a smaller house, a warmer one, where she’d had her Mamma’s attention and love for a while. And then her mother had seemed to disappear in a vapor of paint and turpentine fumes. Mamma had been passionate before, but she’d tempered it with her daughters’ needs. Then she’d been discovered and everything changed. Anna now understood the pressure on Mamma must have been immense. But the little girl who still lived inside her heart couldn’t forgive the neglect.
“I’ve always wanted a room like this!” Mamma had said as she walked around the room, her eyes sparkling with delight.
She had purchased the home that week, and it was the first time she’d brought the girls to see it. Anna and Jilly walked around, not sure how they were going to feel living in such a grand home.
“Isn’t it beautiful, girls?” Mamma crowed.
“Yes, Mamma,” they both answered quietly. She didn’t seem to notice their discomfiture. She was so pleased with owning a mansion that she seemed to think there was only one way to feel about it.
The salon looked the same as always. Mamma had fitted it out with the most elegant furniture. Jilly sat on the white leather couch and pressed her knees together. They waited while the housekeeper left to fetch Mamma. Anna gave Jilly what she hoped was a comforting smile. She believed Jilly
couldn’t see how her lips trembled. The lacy curtains cast a filmy light across the room. Anna stepped behind the matching white leather love seat and looked out at the view. She stared at the vast expanse of green. A perfectly manicured lawn, testament to the perfectly manicured life within the house. Mamma never let anything wither in her care. Everything was either taken care of by her or by hired help. It made Anna wonder how she could let the two little plants named Anna and Jilly go without the same care and consideration.
There was a light step at the door and then a quick indrawn breath. Mamma. Even from a distance, Anna could see the tears spring up. It caused confusion in Anna’s heart. She’d always known Mamma loved them, but it was more of a head knowledge than something she knew in her heart.