Loosing a long breath, she knew that was all Gabe was now. All he could be.
He’d never truly been anything more. That was the whole point of the experiment, wasn't it?
She stopped resisting Brad’s arm and allowed herself to be pulled against his side. “Okay, come in, and tell me why you're here. You’ve caught me by surprise.”
“I got your address from Louise. I know you said it was fine to visit, but I wanted to be sure, so I stalked your Facebook page to check you weren't dating. No pictures of you with anyone, no mention of a guy, so it seemed a safe bet.” He hugged her closer. “And thank God for that. I've never forgotten you, princess. I was wrong to end it with you the way I did, and I want to make up for it.”
This all seemed too unbelievable. He still called her ‘princess’, the way he used to. The whole thing had her dizzy and disoriented. Like she’d wake up and discover she was dreaming.
“You flew all the way to London just to see me?”
“Of course. Why not?”
She shook her head at his crazy gesture, but couldn't help feeling a little glow at the thought that someone felt she was worth flying half-way around the world to see. Brad had a way of making a girl feel good, like she was the centre of his universe, like she really was a princess.
What she'd felt for Gabe wasn’t so big or attention getting. It whispered, while Brad shouted.
How could she know what was real?
Just because Brad made big extravagant gestures didn’t mean they weren’t backed up with feeling. She’d dated Brad four years, she’d barely known Gabe six weeks. And doing the procedure cast a shadow of doubt over anything they felt for each other.
Brad’s failed marriage backed that up. Instant intimacy and closeness couldn’t be trusted.
On the other hand, Brad’s failed marriage was good reason not to give him the second chance he seemed to be asking for.
“Come on in, and we'll talk,” she said. “I think I told you that I’m sharing an apartment Nick and Tiffany? We're all here in London for a few more months.”
He nodded, and let go his hold on her enough that she could find her keys in her tote bag and open the door.
As they entered the apartment, she called out to Tiff, who she could hear rattling around in the kitchen. “Look who's here.”
Tiff came out, stopped, and looked ready to drop the mug she held. “Brad?” she asked, eyes wide. “What are you doing here?”
He waved the roses he held. There must have been at least three dozen huge roses, of the deepest crimson. They would have cost a fortune. Brad never went small. ‘Live big’ had been his motto, for everything.
He grinned at Tiff. “Hi, kid. Looking for your sister, of course.”
“But... aren’t you still married?” Tiff stared at him, shaking her head.
An odd grimace crossed Brad’s face. “Not any more. Our divorce is now final. ” His easy confidence seemed to slump. “Rushing into marriage the way we did was a mistake. I tried everything I could to make it work. But it got so our constant arguments weren’t the right environment for our son Jacob to grow up in. Maddie chose to end it.”
Zoe frowned, hating to hear the sadness in his voice. A marriage ended, two hearts left hurting, and a little boy growing up without a full time Daddy. Tragic.
Exactly the point she intended to make with her research and the book she planned to write. Marriage was way too big a decision to make on the basis of unreliable feelings.
Seeing that broken look on Brad’s face, she wished so much she’d been wrong. That sudden love feelings like he and Maddie had could last, and grow into something more.
Then he seemed to shake the regret off, straightening his back and flashing his usual easy smile. “It happens.” He shrugged. “Whatever. I’m a free man.” He held out the enormous bunch of roses to Zoe.
She took them from him, burying her face in the silky soft petals and breathing deeply. The roses had no scent. Swallowing her disappointment, she pasted on a smile.
“I'll see if we have a vase big enough to put these in. And can I get you a coffee, Brad? I’m afraid we only have instant, we used up the last of the real coffee this morning. Or if you prefer, you can be like the English and drink tea. We have both.”
He shook his hand and smiled again, teeth startling white against his tan. She'd forgotten just how good looking he was. Six years had added a few laugh lines round his eyes, but that was it.
He sat on the couch and leaned back, hands behind his head. “I won't go native. Instant will do fine.”
Tiff grabbed Zoe’s arm and hustled her into the kitchen. “I'll look for that vase while you make the coffee.”
Her twin shut the door behind them with a decisive click, and the look on her face suggested she was fired up to deliver another lecture, like the one at the store over Josie.
“You must be nuts to even talk to Brad! The man broke your heart.”
“I didn't know he was coming, he just turned up.” Zoe laid the roses on the counter. “After he flew all this way to see me, I could hardly refuse to talk to him.”
“And what about Gabe?” Tiff shook her head. “I thought you guys had something.”
Zoe sighed.
That hollow feeling was just shock at seeing Brad again. She didn't feel lost and empty and sad at her certainty she’d lost Gabe when he walked away from her.
She did not.
Maybe if she told herself that often enough, she’d start to believe it. In the meantime, busying herself looking in the cupboards for a vase would stop Tiff seeing the confusion and heartache she felt, so strong it must be showing on her face.
“I told you, Gabe and I were never more than feelings stirred up by the experiment. Nothing real. That was the whole point. He just confirmed that.”
Tiff’s mouth dropped open. “He did?”
“He told me we were just work colleagues and then turned and left when Brad arrived. That's fairly definite, I think.” She emerged from the back of the cupboard under the sink, clutching a huge cut glass vase. She held it up. “This should be big enough. I hope.” She looked doubtfully at the flowers. “There are a lot of roses.”
Tiff pursed her lips and shook her head again. “I don't know what's happening here.”
“You and me both, sister,” Zoe muttered. She wedged the roses into the vase, switched the kettle on, and pulled three mugs from their hooks. Time to change the subject. “Where's Nick? It’s early for him to have already left for the shelter.”
“Out for lunch with Cara. And good thing. Nick will go berserk when he sees Brad is back, after what he did to you. He still hasn’t forgiven the guy for messing you around. I can’t believe you’ve actually forgiven him.” Tiff raised her hands, taking a step back. “Uh, not that I’m implying you hold grudges or anything like that.”
Zoe’s lips twisted. Of course, that was exactly what her twin was implying. She looked up from pouring boiling water on instant coffee.
“Isn’t it our Christian duty to forgive?” She knew she sounded sanctimonious, and her attempt at a smile probably looked way too holier-than-thou, too.
The words were good, but the truth was, she had no idea how she really felt.
“Well, sure. But...I don’t know. Isn’t it all a bit sudden? He dumps you to marry someone else, you don’t hear from the guy beyond one email for six years, and then he suddenly turns up on your doorstep, romancing you again?”
Zoe shrugged, and added milk to the mugs. “Looks like that’s what’s happening, yes.” She put the mugs on a tray, picked it up, and pushed the door open.
Gabe had walked out of her life, and Brad had walked back in. That was how it felt, anyway.
It didn’t mean she was trading Gabe for Brad. No way.
She needed closure, that was all. William’s comment about never getting over his first love had shaken her. God was giving her the perfect opportunity to get clear on her past.
Even if she did relent and da
te him again, Brad could never fill the hole in her heart that Gabe had left.
No! That couldn’t be right. She didn’t just think that.
She couldn’t be heart-broken over losing Gabe. That couldn’t be what had her feeling hollow, aching inside.
Hadn’t she guarded her heart, knowing in advance they had no chance of things working out? Knowing that if they tried, they’d be making as big a mistake as Brad had marrying Maddie.
All that had happened was she was learning to live without him sooner rather than later, that was all.
Time to start getting used to the idea.
Chapter 21
Gabe had no idea how far he'd walked before he finally slowed down. Miles, probably. All the way across Regent's Park, and then he’d kept pounding the pavement, right on into Hampstead Heath. There, he stopped, to lean on a cold metal bridge railing, and stare down into the murky waters of a slow-flowing stream.
He hadn't felt this upset in a long time. Emotion he couldn’t put a name to clenched his chest and his belly.
Knowing that love scared Zoe, knowing she couldn’t be rushed, he’d been willing to wait longer for her. The only reason he’d tried to talk about the future today was the pressure from the college back home, wanting an answer.
Now Brad had come back, and that decided things. The guy was the love of her life.
And what was he to her? Still just a work colleague, someone she'd done a psychology experiment with, to prove a point.
He had to step back. It was the right thing to do, what a good guy would do.
Nice guys didn’t fight for what they wanted, didn’t make waves, didn’t take a stand, right?
Zoe knew what she wanted. To complete her research. To publish her book. And now, it looked as if she’d added being with Brad again to her list. Brad said they’d sent each other messages, that she’d said she wanted to see him again.
He still had no idea what he wanted, except that he’d wanted his future to include Zoe. But he wanted most of all for her to be happy. If that meant backing off and leaving the field clear for Brad, so be it.
Perhaps her theories were right. He felt sure that he loved her, but perhaps he couldn’t trust his feelings. The day they met on that bridge in Paris, he’d been lonely, and there she was. Maybe the feelings he’d thought were love for her truly were nothing more than a combination of loneliness and the pseudo-intimacy created by the experiment. That’s what Zoe still believed.
Could he really have fallen for any girl that day?
It didn’t feel like that. But it would be wrong to make her choose between him or Brad, when neither of them could be 100% sure.
Suddenly, he couldn’t feel sure of anything. It seemed he'd drifted all his life, doing what made other people happy, always going along with things, always fitting in. Keeping the peace. Being Mr Nice Guy.
He'd come to London without a goal, hoping to find one. What sort of goal was that? Laughable. At twenty nine, his only goal was to have a goal.
Shaking his head at his own stupidity, he picked up a twig, and dropped it into the stream beneath him, watching as the current carried it along. The stick had no choice, it went where the water took it. And he'd done the same, all his life long.
The twig he’d dropped tangled against the bank, with a bunch of similar twigs carried there by the stream. He couldn’t tell which was his anymore. But one thing was sure. It wasn’t going anywhere.
Neither was he, it seemed. And he didn’t know how to change that.
Right now, his emotions were turned so inside out he didn’t even know how to pray. Anger he rarely allowed himself to feel wracked him, though he wasn’t sure who he was angry with.
Mom and Dad for dying and leaving him alone?
Zoe for choosing Brad?
Maybe he was even angry with God? After all, it seemed that God had taken everything that meant anything to him away, brought him to London, and led him to fall in love with Zoe. And now he’d lost her, too.
All that was true. He breathed out a long heavy sigh and acknowledged it. But the biggest anger was with himself.
All his life, he’d walked away, rather than stand up for what he wanted. He’d let life happen to him. Confrontation and making a scene wasn’t his thing.
He wasn’t surprised that Zoe chose Brad. He meant it when he said he wanted her to be happy. Even so, something hot and painful burned in his gut that she hadn’t chosen him.
Or had he made the choice for her by backing down, but like he’d backed down from asking Georgia to the prom?
Was he afraid, afraid that if he fought, he’d lose?
What if he’d stayed when Brad arrived, pushed Zoe to decide?
Maybe it was less painful to walk away than stay, and truly see her choose Brad over him. Maybe he’d chosen the safe, easy route out, trying to protect himself from worse hurt. Maybe, this one time, he should have made a stand.
Maybe, nice guys only finished last because they bailed out instead of trying to win.
There were a lot of maybes. Not much sureness.
Anyway, it was too late now. The image of Zoe in Brad’s arms filled his mind. His hands formed fists, and he pounded them pointlessly on the railing in front of him.
Right now, it all felt pointless.
Obviously, Zoe still loved Brad, she’d always loved Brad. Even if he’d pushed her to choose, it was a no-brainer.
She’d never be the part of his life he’d hoped for, had thought God intended her to be.
He turned and trudged back to Patrick's apartment. Across Hampstead Heath and Regent’s Park again, then down Baker Street. Deliberately, he altered his route to avoid passing Zoe’s apartment.
By the time he got home, it was dark, and his legs ached from the long walk. But better to feel the ache in his legs than the emptiness inside him. The simple muscle pain was a welcome distraction from the thoughts running around his brain.
He’d lost Zoe. And it was starting to feel like he’d lost himself, just like that twig in the stream was lost, indistinguishable from all the other twigs.
A long hot shower would fix the aches. All of them. Even the heartache. It too would pass, just like his aching legs. Chances were, if Zoe’s theories on love were right, it wasn't any more real and lasting than that.
Nothing was, it seemed.
As he headed for the bathroom, he rubbed his hands over his face and prayed to feel a sense of God’s guidance.
Without that, he truly would be lost.
Chapter 22
It didn’t take long in Brad’s company for Zoe to realise he still loved Maddie. It was there in his voice, in his face, in his posture, every time he mentioned his ex-wife. The problem was, he didn’t seem to realise it, insisting they’d fallen out of love.
One thing for sure, he wasn’t here because he loved her.
Whatever his reasons, Zoe knew she was only incidental. Not once did he ask about her and what she’d been doing the past six years. The whole time, it was all about him. Maddie and their son Jacob came up a lot.
When he launched into Jacob’s latest potty training achievements, his voice ringing with pride and enthusiasm, Tiff made an excuse and left. Her eyeroll behind his back as she escaped to her room had Zoe struggling to stifle completely inappropriate giggles.
Unfortunately, she couldn’t escape as easily as Tiff. Brad had travelled a long way to see her.
“Do you have any pictures of him?” she asked, sure the answer would be yes.
He pulled an iPad from his bag and started a slide show. Photo after photo of a big-eyed blonde child, with a shy but serious smile. Brad didn’t require answers, as he talked non-stop about his son.
He clearly adored his little boy, and that was how it should be. For all he’d assumed she’d fall back into his arms, he wasn’t the sort of jerk who’d walk away from his child. He was still a good man, just misguided.
Her illusions were crumbling around her. All this time, she’d imagined he wa
s the love of her life. What she’d pined for was the idea of love, not the reality. And her theories about romance and falling in love crumbled, too.
It seemed she’d been misguided, as well. Brad hadn’t fallen out of love with Maddie at all.
Her duty was to send him back, to try to salvage his marriage. The divorce papers meant nothing. No matter what he believed, Brad wasn’t free.
But she still thanked God he’d come here.
Meeting Brad again showed her the truth about her feelings.
Gabe was right. She hadn’t been free, either, tangled in her old feelings for Brad. She hadn’t been ready for a grown-up love, when she still clung to her childish infatuation.
Now, when it was too late, she could see that what she felt for Gabe was genuine. Solid liking and closeness, much more than the superficial emotional buzz of limerence.
Not just an effect of the experiment. Real and authentic.
But Gabe had walked away from her.
Fear that she’d lost him, driven him away, lay heavy in her stomach, tasting more bitter than the cold instant coffee.
Suddenly, something in Brad’s stream of chatter made her sit up straight in her seat and pay attention.
“I’m sorry, say that again?” she asked. Surely she’d misheard him.
He smiled indulgently, like someone humouring a child. “I said, I want you to meet Jacob. If he likes you, we can start dating again. You’ll give up this London thing now, and come back to L.A., won’t you, princess.”
It wasn’t a question. It was a statement.
“I told you, I have a contract here. It runs until the end of June. I can’t leave before then. My department is already short staffed.” She didn’t try to hide her astonishment that he’d expect her to leave.
“You can get out of it. Contracts are made to be broken.” He laughed, as if he’d made a joke.
The muffled snort from Tiff’s bedroom showed she was eavesdropping.
Zoe stared at him, unable to believe what he’d said. Though it shouldn’t be any surprise. He’d broken his promise to her, and he’d broken his marriage vows too.
Forget Paris: Sweet and clean Christian romance in Paris and London (Love In Store Book 4) Page 15