It was the happiness in between that counted.
Would Patrick refuse the joy he felt now, if he knew how few years it might last? Gabe didn’t think so.
Human life was short. Only God’s love was eternal.
Though he hadn’t felt that love much lately.
He realised why he felt so alone, so directionless, why his prayers seemed to hit the ceiling and bounce back at him. God hadn’t changed. He had. He’d stopped seeking God’s love. He’d stopped seeking God’s will.
It didn’t take much effort to assume that whatever was uncomplicated and undemanding and made other people happy was what God wanted for him.
Up till Mom’s death, do that had seemed to work. But Mom’s death set him adrift. He’d left and come to London as she’d wanted him to, hoping that when he locked the door to the old house, his grief would remain inside.
Instead, he’d carried it with him.
Almost the first person he’d met had been Zoe. To start with, playing the game with her had been a diversion. A way to avoid his grief. Her experiment gave him an escape from his real feelings into feelings he could pretend were made up.
Imagining that the feelings generated by the procedure weren’t real made it safe.
Knowing they were unlikely to meet again made it safe.
But God had other plans. God kept him and Zoe together. Why, he didn’t know. Finally, he wanted to make a commitment, to stop drifting, to truly choose to stay and not run, and it didn’t make a bit of difference. The whole thing made no sense.
She’d chosen Brad.
Or had she? That Patrick shared his story tonight seemed too much to be coincidence. Was God telling him to stop running, and face the truth of his feelings? Make a choice. Take a chance. Tell the truth, to Zoe.
Okay Lord. I surrender. It's time, I know, for me to stand up and speak up and fight for what I want. But I've backed down all my life. I don't know to do next.
Relief rocked him. That prayer didn’t hit the ceiling. He felt God’s loving presence, right there with him.
He could choose to focus on what was eternal. God's love, the only real and lasting thing in life. After a life of drifting, doing what others expected of him, he needed to discover what he wanted. But even more importantly, he needed to discover what God wanted. He needed to seek God’s purpose for his life, and make his choices based on that.
Lord, help me to seek Your will. I’ve been a wimp, never standing up for anything. Help me to live for You, courageously, fearlessly, hopefully, lovingly. Guide me, please. Show me what You want me to do.
And he knew.
All he could see was Zoe’s face. All he could hear was her voice.
He needed to take a stand and fight for Zoe.
Tell her how he felt.
Stop running away.
Brad wasn’t the man for her. The guy messed her around, broke her heart. And if he’d let his marriage end, he wasn’t any better at keeping his commitments now than he’d been six years before.
Despite all that, she might still choose Brad.
He’d be taking a risk. He’d need to lay his heart on the line and tell her he loved her. She might reject him. She might tell him to leave.
But he had to at least let her know she had a choice. Certainty expanded in him, lifting his chest and tightening his muscles.
God wanted him to stand up for what was real, what was worth fighting for.
Not some time. Right now.
Zoe was worth it.
Love was worth it.
It was time to man up, take a chance, and truly follow God.
Chapter 24
Zoe threw her arms around her sister in a hug. “I think God just gave me my Damascus Road moment.” Her laugh was shaky, but real. “Thank you. Thanks for being here. Thanks for not giving up on me all the years I was a pain.”
She’d never felt such love and closeness for her twin as she felt now. A blissful grin stretched her face. It seemed as if when God healed that wound she’d kept in her heart all those years, He’d also healed their relationship.
“It hasn’t been easy.” Tiff’s warm tone and smile said she was teasing. “So, what are you going to do?”
“About Gabe? I don’t know. I’m pretty sure he feels something for me, more than just the procedure. But he backed out fast when he saw Brad. He might not believe that’s all over now.” A little of the joy she felt faded. She shrugged, twisting her lips. “I was so surprised to see Brad, I didn’t stop him from kissing me. It would have looked bad.”
Tiff grinned and shook her head. “That’s just a misunderstanding. You can clear that up in a minute.”
“I hope so.” Her hands lifted to press on her forehead, as if somehow that would take the thoughts she didn’t want to think away. It didn’t work. The doubt remained. “The thing is, he’s such a great guy. Who knows if I am the right one for him? The way he talked about his parents’ marriage reminds me of Mom and Dad. He deserves someone way better than me. Someone more like Mom.”
Tiff patted her hand and laughed. “Thankfully, God doesn’t give us what we deserve. He gives us what we need.” Then she bit her lip, and her forehead crinkled. “Listen, I don’t think Mom will mind me telling you this. Their marriage isn’t so wonderful, after all. She told me she’s really struggled since they went home. Empty nest syndrome. Without any of us there, she lost her sense of who she was. They’ve had to work at falling in love all over again.”
Zoe rubbed a hand over her heart, trying to take that in. All her life, she’d been used to thinking her parents and their marriage was perfect. It was hard to start thinking different. But she had to.
She nodded slowly. “I guess if love is a choice, it’s not a one time only thing. It’s a choice we have to keep making, again and again and again.” A gleeful grin she couldn’t stop stretched her lips. “Even perfect people like Mom and Dad.”
Tiff grinned back. “Exactly.” She laughed. “Listen to us. In love for five minutes each, and we’re the big love experts.”
“It’s true.” Zoe stood and walked around the room, bursting with energy. “I’ve learned more today than in six whole years of academic study, focusing on what’s wrong with love. From now on, I’m focusing on what’s right, on the way God wants us to love.”
Before Tiff could reply, the entry buzzer rang. Zoe’s hands raised to her hot face, feeling her swollen puffy eyes. She glanced in the big wall mirror, and glanced away again, fast. “Ugh, I don’t cry pretty. I look like a frog. A big pink frog.”
Tiff shook her head and headed for the intercom. “It’s probably just Mac. We’re going out for dinner.” She looked back. “Do you want me to ask him to come back later? I’ll stay with you if you want.”
“No, you go out. I’ll be fine.” She smiled. “I have a lot of praying and thinking to do. Not just about me and Gabe. I want to pray for Brad and Maddie, and for Mom and Dad too.”
Tiff nodded, and pressed the intercom button. Gabe’s voice filled the room. “It’s Gabe. Is Zoe there?”
Her tummy fluttered, and her heart thundered in her chest. He came back!
But she covered her face and ducked her head. “I can’t let him see me like this!” she hissed, praying he wouldn’t hear.
“Just a minute, Gabe.” Tiff took her finger off the intercom and turned to Zoe. “Perfect love drives out fear,” she quoted. “If he loves you, puffy eyes won’t put him off.” She smiled. “Give the guy a chance to prove if he really loves you.”
Zoe dragged in a shaky breath, digging deep to find the courage to face him. Then she remembered, she didn’t have to do it on her own any more.
Help me Lord.
Calm and hope floated through her, light as a feather, yet soaring like an eagle. Laughter bubbled up. “So I look that bad, huh?”
Tiff scrunched her face in a wordless reply.
Zoe made it easy for her. “Don’t try to think of a nice way to answer. You’re right, if he stays around whe
n I look like this, he’ll stick with me through anything. This can be his true love test. If he kisses me when I look like a frog, he must be my prince. Let him in.”
Tiff buzzed the door open, gave Zoe a quick hug, then hurried to her bedroom. “Praying for you, sis.” She closed the door behind her with a definite click, making it clear she wasn’t eavesdropping this time.
Waiting for the knock on the apartment door, Zoe paused, motionless and trembling. Her pulse throbbed in her throat. A still soft whisper of Spirit told her to trust, it would all be okay. But it was hard to break the habit of a lifetime, and believe. Tense anticipation thrummed in her.
Three firm decisive raps sounded at the door, and she swung it open.
Gabe stood there, straight and tall, so dear, so loved. He’d walked away earlier, and she’d felt he was walking out of her life. Now here he was, back again.
His eyes asked a question, and hers much have given the right reply. The hint of uncertainty left his expression, replaced with something so strong and intense and steady it stopped her breath.
“Come… come in.” Her voice shook a little, and her tongue tripped over the words. She waved him into the living room, shut the apartment door, and turned to him.
He stood close. Wonderfully, delightfully, encouragingly close.
Her heartbeat drummed so loudly in her ears, she could barely hear, barely think.
“Zoe,” he said, both hands rising to cup her cheeks with gentle questioning fingers. She leaned into his touch.
Then his eyes narrowed in concern, as his fingertips gently touched her puffy eyelids. His hands dropped from her face as his whole body stiffened.
“He’s upset you. Where is he?” He looked around the room, as if expecting Brad would still be there.
She reached out and held his hands in hers, feeling the tension in him loosen and relax.
“He’s gone. I told him to go home and try to mend things with his ex-wife.”
His hands turned to clasp hers between them, almost as if they were making a vow. She risked a glance into his eyes. Hope and tenderness filled them, and his fingers were warm on hers.
He drew her nearer, and kissed first one puffy eyelid, then the other, his lips like cooling balm for her hurt.
“My sweet darling. That must have been hard for you.”
Now was the time. She had to take the chance of self-disclosure. Trust him enough to tell him the truth about how she felt. Not in the false security she’d felt in that Paris café, thinking she’d never see him again.
In reality.
“I’m not sure I ever truly loved him,” she admitted. “I made an idol of him, used him as an excuse to keep my heart safely locked up to avoid being hurt again. But while I did that, I couldn’t feel real love either. I couldn’t let myself love God, or anyone else.”
“And now?” She sensed Gabe holding his breath as he waited for her reply.
“God brought Brad back into my life so I could let him go. So I could open my heart again, and let God in. Let love in.”
Her fingers tightened on his, and she lifted her head to meet his eyes. “I kidded myself that what I felt for you was just the experiment. But it’s more than that. Much more. I love you, Gabe.”
But still, he seemed to hesitate. “Are you sure? You spent so long thinking you loved Brad.”
Releasing his hands, she bent to gather up the roses she’d knocked back to the floor. She held them up, then laid them on the counter.
“This is what Brad and I had. Sure, they look good, but they have no scent. And in a few days, they’ll be shrivelled and dead. The gardenia you gave me is green and growing and alive. New flowers open every day. And the perfume, oh, the perfume.” She stepped back to him and smiled up into his face. “Every time I smell it I think of you, and my heart goes bump. I love you. Only you.”
Joy rushed through her like a fountain as she saw his feelings shining in his eyes and knew he felt the same.
Then his lips lowered to hers, in a sweet kiss that held a promise. Love overflowed from her heart, bubbling through every bit of her, from the tips of her fingers to the ends of her toes to the top of her head. Even her hair felt alive with it.
All she knew was love, washing her fears and doubts away. Her heart sang a hymn of praise and thanksgiving to God.
He raised his head, and his hands cupped her face. They gazed into each other’s eyes in silence, just as they had in Paris, but it felt so different now.
After a blissful minute that felt like forever, he spoke.
He smiled, and his hands caressed her cheeks, making her feel so cherished. “I love you too.”
She smiled into his eyes, knowing her whole heart was in the smile. “I’m glad. I hoped you did, but I couldn’t be sure.”
“I wasn’t sure either, for far too long. I thought I did, but then I told myself I was just vulnerable, because I was grieving. That maybe you were right, that the intimacy created by the experiment was fake.” He shook his head, and dropped a quick kiss on her nose. “But it’s not, it’s real. The experiment simply accelerates the process. We told each other things in those few hours that would take weeks or even months of dating to feel safe enough to disclose.”
“I only felt safe to do it because I didn’t think I’d see you again. If I’d known we’d end up working together, I would never have suggested it,” she confessed.
He laughed, leading her to the couch so they could sit together, keeping a firm clasp on her hands. “God had other plans for us. I realised something after I saw you with Brad. I’ve always done what I thought would make other people happy. That was why I backed off. I thought being with him was what you wanted. I’ve never truly committed to anything enough to speak up, to fight for it. Now, I want to.” He smiled. “I want to commit to a life with you.”
Joy lifted her heart. “We both have our parents’ solid marriages as examples. Maybe we can learn that lesson in how to commit together?”
“I’d love to.” His hands tightened on hers and the truth of his words shone in his face. Then his expression became serious. “I want to follow God’s leading,” he said. “And I think He might be taking me back home. Could you be happy living in Sweetapple Falls? I need to let the community college know if I want the job there, and it’s very different to what you had planned.”
“This thing that’s happened between us changes all my plans.” A smile curved her lips. “I want God to be in charge, too.” She lifted a hand to his face, feeling the masculine roughness of his stubble beneath her touch. “As long as we’re together, I think I could be happy anywhere.”
She felt as well as saw his smile in reply, warm under her fingers.
He nodded. “I’m glad. But what about your PhD?”
Something she hadn’t even realised was a weight on her lifted as he spoke. “I don’t feel the same need to prove myself right anymore. I’m not giving up on my studies, but I might change my focus. I want to help people keep their love alive, and deepen it.” She lifted her face to Gabe and smiled. “God is so good. He’s already showing me how I can do that. My research was supposed to prove romance doesn’t last. But the questionnaires are coming back, with comments saying how much discussing the answers with their partners has deepened their relationship. It seems I’ve invented a procedure of my own, not a closeness initiating procedure, but a closeness deepening procedure.”
“That sounds good.” His hand tightened on hers and he grinned. “On one condition. We do that procedure ourselves, and work on growing our own love first.” He winked. “Purely for research purposes, of course. Your tool needs to be validated.”
“That’s an easy condition to agree to.”
As his lips lowered to hers again in another sweet kiss, she knew she was exactly where God intended her to be.
They both had lessons in love to learn, together.
Epilogue
Six weeks later, on a sunny May Saturday, Zoe stood hand in hand with Gabe beside the Riv
er Seine.
Another day trip to Paris on the train, but so different this time.
Her heart overflowed with love as she watched the happy couples crowding the Bridge des Artes. She spread out her arms as if embracing them all. Instead of thinking how deluded they were, destined for heartbreak, she prayed for them.
That they’d realise what a gift love was. That they’d work to keep their relationships alive. Most of all, that they’d come to know that no matter how wonderful it might feel, their love for each other was only a shadow of God’s far greater love.
“I feel like a different girl to who I was on Valentine’s Day. No clipboard. No research. No more falling in love experiments with strangers.”
“Hopefully, no pickpocketing, either.” He grinned. “Instead of spending hours in the police station this time, I want us to get to see all the places on Mom’s list.” Slipping an arm around her waist, he drew her close. “Though I don’t mind you doing the experiment again, as long as the only man you experiment with is me.”
“Only you, ever.” She turned toward him, lifting her arms to his shoulders and dropping a light quick kiss on his lips before smiling up at him. “Want to stare into each other’s eyes for four minutes? I guarantee you’ll think you’re in love with me by the end of it.”
“I guarantee I’ll be in love with you before we start.”
The tenderness in his gaze took her breath away. She prayed it always would.
“I’m glad. We have a lot of places to get to today. Let’s find your Mom and Dad’s love lock.”
Arms wrapped around each other’s waists, they stepped onto the bridge.
It took some time and searching, but they found the lock Gabe had fastened the day they met. The blue enamelled metal had rusted a little at the edges, but the painted flowers remained bright and beautiful. Zoe touched it, a symbol of the love Gabe’s parents had shared for thirty years.
“I hope God blesses us with thirty years together,” she said.
Forget Paris: Sweet and clean Christian romance in Paris and London (Love In Store Book 4) Page 17