Her first impulse was an out of control run to him, bowl him over, and kiss the stuffing out of him kind of a feeling. She didn’t. She waited, frozen as another feeling from her past suffocated her with dread. He’s home. Those words had once meant terror. Her mouth went dry and her heart pounded as fear and desire collided. This was when it happened, the accusations, the arguments, and the lies. She stood waiting for Alex to make the first move. Then she would know if she should run.
“Hello.” He seemed restrained also, too calm and composed compared to the level of her anticipation. He stood at the door, his eyes taking her in from head to toe in one scorching glance. He saw through her, she was sure of it. With panic stifling all reasonable thought, she felt more vulnerable than ever. Only small talk saved the day.
“How was your flight?” She held her breath.
“Good. How was your day?”
“I’ve been busy as usual.” She strived for a matter-of-fact tone to her voice, no fear and no nervousness. That might set him off. “Dinner is already on the table. Are you hungry?”
“Yes, ma’am.”
Her silly heart skipped a beat. He called me ma’am. For some reason, when he called her that, it heard sweetheart and darling instead. She relaxed and took a deep breath. “Let’s eat.”
Confusion bounced around in her head as Kelsey headed for the kitchen. Alex followed, just a step behind. She wondered if she slowed her gait, would he place his hand at the small of her back again? Instead she strode purposefully, as if the only thing she wanted to do right now was food service related. The table was already set for two. Quickly she served the rib eyes along with baked potatoes, green beans, and a spinach salad. A chocolate pudding cake waited in the refrigerator for the cream already whipped to perfect peaks. His steak was more rare than medium, just the way he liked it. Despite all her excitement only a moment ago, now she moved like a waitress at a fast food joint with a customer.
“I have a bottle of wine somewhere if you’d like—” He was half out of his seat, half smiling. Still watching.
“No, thank you. I’d just fall asleep.” Even she heard the no-nonsense tone in her voice. It was her old coping mechanism, but now she didn’t know how to turn it off. What is wrong with me?
“Looks like you’ve had good weather.” He had to be hungry after a day of travel, but for some reason he just pushed his food around the plate.
“Yes. We’ve had a couple rain showers yesterday, but nothing else.”
Scolding herself for getting excited about nothing, she focused on washing the few dishes in the sink instead of the deep tan on his face and arms. It made the hair on his arms almost blonde, and she wondered if arm hair could be bleached from the sun, and whatever, she really didn’t care because it looked good on him. The tan on his face made his eyes a deeper blue. She inhaled the smell of him from across the small kitchen, the manly odor of wind, soap, and him.
“Aren’t you going to eat?” he asked quietly.
Embarrassed, Kelsey looked up from the dishwater. He looked unhappy.
“I already ate,” she lied even as he looked at the second table setting.
“I see.” He pushed back from the table, his food barely touched. “You’re probably too busy to help with the hospital project then.”
“No, but I have dessert if you’d like. I made—”
“Thanks anyway.” He turned to the basement door. “I’ll be downstairs.”
“I said I’ll help and I will.” Kelsey went to her room and changed into one of her older, more tattered outfits.
She joined him back in the kitchen. Somehow the evening had turned from a welcome home party to a game of uncomfortable strategy. Move here, counter move there. He stood at the basement door waiting, his eyes analyzing as usual. The last time he did that, he had bought an entire home office just so she could take a few college courses. Maybe that’s what he was waiting for?
“Would you like to see your new office?” she offered, still very much in control of her emotions.
“No. I wouldn’t.” Alex opened the door and flipped the basement light switch, his eyes hooded and dark. “Workshop’s downstairs.”
She followed him as they descended the basement steps, but Alex was quiet. He waved at the cutout wooden pieces laid out on the table as he busied himself at the workbench. “These for the kids in the cancer ward over at Washington Central.”
Kelsey stood at the far end of the table, surveying the organized room. A sturdy bench lined the entire far wall with an array of tools attached to the pegboard above it. A shelf to the right housed other equipment that looked like drills or saws while a box full of wood scraps sat on the floor beside the shelf. Long fluorescent work lights hung from the low ceiling. In the middle of the room stood a long worktable with twenty-five individual stacks of wooden pieces lined up like table settings. It was easy to see he had an assembly line in mind.
Without looking at her, Alex tossed a pack of sandpaper across the table. “First, we sand. Then we glue.”
She smiled, but he didn’t notice. He was already focused on the first stack, his eyes hooded and dark.
“There’s a chair if you’d rather sit.” He pointed to an old office chair in the corner, again without making eye contact.
“Okay.” Kelsey pulled it to the table and sat opposite Alex. This frosty attitude from Alex was her fault. She knew it. She just didn’t know how to change it. As she examined the puzzle pieces in front of her, she determined they were precut with tabs so they would fit together without nails or screws.
“It’s a cradle.” She looked at his tight-lipped face. “You make cradles?”
“Yes.”
She picked up the piece of sandpaper and ran it along the edge of what looked like a headboard.
“Not like that.” Instantly the temperature in the room plummeted. She nearly jumped out of her skin he came so quickly to her side. Brusquely he took the sandpaper out of her hand and smoothed it across the wooden piece in a firm, smooth motion. “Sand in the direction of the grain. Always. Like this.”
“Oh. Sorry. Okay.” She gulped, glancing timidly up at him as he demonstrated what he expected. Flustered as much by his cold shoulder as his close proximity, she could barely breathe. Where was that nice man who had taken her on a whirlwind tour of DC only a couple months ago? She didn’t recognize him.
Confusion rattled her nerves. How could someone so kind also be so cold? The smell of him filled her nose. Hmm. Absence does make the heart grow fonder, she thought, and the olfactory senses as well. She closed her eyes to breathe him in and to calm herself. Hmm. That guy is still here. Somewhere.
He walked back to the other side of the table. Without another word, they sanded and glued. Alex was the epitome of a workaholic. Since he had planned to complete the cradles that night, that’s exactly what they did. She finished eight by the time he finished seventeen. Okay, so she was slow, but she enjoyed the work if not the silence. It was late when they finished sanding, but he gave her a succinct demonstration how to glue the pieces together anyway. As she glued, he followed with a set of braces for each cradle.
“Are you going to paint them?” Kelsey asked when he braced the final cradle.
“Yes.”
“What colors?” She pushed her hair back over her shoulder and out of her face.
“White.”
“Just white?” She wished he would look at her again.
“Just white.” Alex sighed and adjusted a knob on the final brace until it was snug.
“What if I made doll blankets for each of them? Would you mind? It wouldn’t take much time. I could crochet twenty-five different colored blankets. It might be fun.” She was going to say, “That way I could teach you how to crochet,” but she didn’t. What little nerve she had started the evening with had long since fled. Kelsey wondered why she had wasted her time with make-up and mascara. She didn’t need to look good for this kind of an endurance test.
“Whatever you w
ant.” He gave her a sideways glance that didn’t really see her. Alex was excellent at the cold shoulder. Kelsey shivered. Those tender blue eyes could also be ice.
“When do you need them?”
He tightened the final wood clamp an extra long time. “Christmas Eve.”
“Good. Okay, then I’ll start tomorrow.” He was making her nervous.
“Fine.” Alex gathered the sandpaper and stowed the glue bottles. Without another word or glance, he gestured toward the basement steps.
“Okay.” She dusted her hands and headed up the stairs behind him. “You’re easy to work with.”
“Yeah, right.” He sounded gruff and tired.
“You probably have jet lag.”
“Yes.”
“Are you too tired for a bowl of ice cream?”
This was her last chance effort. The twenty-five cradles might be done, but this whole night had turned into one, big disaster. Right now, moving back to Washington state seemed like a good idea. Just as the thought materialized, Alex reached around her to turn off the basement light. It was no big deal, except all that muscle training from her life with Nick Durrant was still alive and well. Kelsey ducked, yelping like a kicked puppy with no place to hide. In less than a second, she was out of control and ready to fall down the stairs. Hot tears sprang to her eyes. She grabbed the handrail for support before she did something stupid, like scream.
Alex froze. He stood over her looking down, and that didn’t help. A black wave of claustrophobia swarmed her. I have to get out of here. Instead, she clenched the handrail tighter, her voice small and squeaky. “I’m going to get over that someday.”
He didn’t move.
“It’s just that ….” She looked up and into blue eyes.
The ice had melted.
“He used to … and I …” she mumbled. Kelsey didn’t mean for her words to come out so lame, but he had been gone a long time. While she had no reason to be afraid of him, she was very afraid—of everything.
“Talk to me.” His voice had thawed, too. “I’ll listen.”
“No.” The tears spilled over. She looked up again. He looked sad. With a huge breathy sigh, she licked her lips and relented. “Oh-kay.”
The second he offered his hand, her heart lurched. Panic shook her from head to toe. Here she was standing on the same precipice all over again. To trust or not to trust. To believe or not to believe. Nothing in her history could help her take this tiny step forward. She wished he had never come home. Please, if I give you my hand, don’t hurt me.
Kelsey cringed and placed just her fingertips at the edge of his. Surely that was enough. He could kiss them or break them. It was the now or never, the live or die moment she knew would eventually come. No matter what happened next, from this telling moment on she would never be the same.
He blinked hard and fast as he pulled her gently up the last steps and into the kitchen. Alex pulled out a kitchen chair for her, waited until she sat down, and cleared the last of the dinner dishes from the table. “Sit down. I’ll make us some coffee,” he said calmly.
She composed herself as much as possible, but she couldn’t stop shaking. Before he turned around from the coffee maker, she balanced her chin on her fist hoping to hold her head still. She had to get a grip.
“How’d you meet him anyway?” he asked quietly.
She blew out a big breath before she could begin, still trying to calm herself for what she knew was ahead. “At school where I taught kindergarten.”
“He was a teacher?” Alex brought two cups to the table.
“No. Maintenance crew. One day when I took my class out to recess, he was watching me, and then he showed up at my apartment with flowers.” She shook her head at that stupid recollection. She had actually been excited for the attention. “I was so dumb.”
“Here you go. Cream and sugar included, ma’am.” He poured the coffee and sat across from her, watching intently. “Why do you say you were dumb?”
Kelsey clutched her cup instead of looking at him. How do you tell the man you want to impress that you were socially inept? She bit her lip. Might as well just spit it out. Then he’ll gladly help you pack.
“Because I’d never dated much. I had my books and my kindergarten kids, and I thought I was happy. I’d never been with a man before and—” Tears welled up. It was embarrassing admitting what a social misfit she had been, how backwards, and what a fool. “Anyway, I thought why not? He was kind of cute. It was just one dinner. What could go wrong, right?”
This story did not have a happy ending. She deliberated walking away, but gritted her teeth instead. Someone needed to know what she had lived through.
“What happened?” His eyes looked so kind, maybe even forgiving. That did it. The closet door to her self-loathing was wide open now.
“At first, he was fun to be with.” She gulped. “I mean he didn’t always have money, so I paid for movies and stuff like that, but he was fun. He made me laugh. He was always showing up with presents and flowers and stuff.” Those things had all been stolen. How could I have missed all the signs?
Abruptly he pushed away from the table. She thought maybe she had disgusted him, but he returned with a box of tissues. She took several, blew her nose, and mopped her face. “Thanks.”
He didn’t answer, just watched and listened.
“It seemed like a fairytale. He wanted to marry me, and he bought me a ring.” Yeah, right. A full carat diamond ring that had turned her finger green. “I believed everything until it was too late.”
“You don’t have to tell me anymore if you don’t want to.” His voice sounded sincere, but she couldn’t stop.
“No, it’s just that I already pregnant.” She focused on the soggy tissues in her hand. Her guilt reminded her for the millionth time that made none of this would have happened if she had been a good girl and gotten married before having sex. But guilt was as much help now as it was then. She brushed her negative judgment aside.
He reached his hand across the table, but she didn’t take it.
“I had morning sickness. At first he was happy when Jackie was born. I was happy. We weren’t rich, but we were doing okay. But when I got pregnant again ….” Her voice trailed away. Everything was her fault. She had spoiled her happy family. “He changed. He stayed at his mom’s more and more. Everything I did made him angry. It was hard to be sick all the time.
The day came back with vivid clarity. “He punched me. He said the boys weren’t even his and, and he punched me.” Her fingers went automatically to her cheekbone. She thought he had literally knocked her head off it had hurt so much.
Alex groaned and offered his hand again. She ignored him. This way he couldn’t pull his hand away in revulsion. Besides, if she never held it, she could never lose it.
“He cried afterwards. He said he was sorry, and he would never do anything like that again. He kept apologizing, and I thought it was my fault. You know?” By now the tissue was shredded.
“I’m sorry.”
“Me, too,” she whispered. “I had to stop teaching. I was sick all the time anyway.”
“It’s okay.” His hand lay warm and gentle on hers on the table. She hadn’t noticed when he had done that. Kelsey thought she heard another tone in his voice, or maybe it was her guilt raising its ugly head again. You deserved exactly what you got. You should’ve known.
“I wasn’t always like this.” She glared at him, her sorrow turning into anger. “I went to college. I loved my job. I was good at it, you know? I had a nice apartment. It wasn’t big, but it was nice. Did you even know that?”
“Yes, I do know that about you.”
She stared at him. Was he lying, too? How could he know? The gentle squeeze of his fingers seemed to bridge the gap. All she saw was a friend and her strongest, heck, her only protector. He pulled the sodden mass of tissues from her fingers and replaced it with another batch, his gentle hands never losing hold of hers in the process. She glared at those blue e
yes that had only moments before been cold and unfeeling. Whatever was happening between them, she wanted it out in the open, all the poison and anger, all of it. Now.
“You know, people think women like me are stupid because we stay,” she explained, “but it’s not easy to leave. It’s like I changed over night. One day I’m doing pretty good. I’ve got a job, and I’m happy, but the next day, I’m ugly and all beat up. It’s hard to get away. I couldn’t believe anyone could hurt me like he did. I’d never been in a fight, not even once. Ever. I didn’t know how to slap anyone.” Her words rushed out in a squeaky crescendo through the tissues.
Alex cringed, and Kelsey caught herself just in time. There was no need to explain what he already knew. He had seen her at her worst.
“I always thought it was my fault.” She stared as she remembered. “But the day he almost hit Jackie, I knew it wasn’t me. It was him. There was something broken inside of him that I couldn’t fix. I had to get my boys away. I couldn’t save him, but I could save them. Louise bought bus tickets for us, only he found out.” Kelsey bit her lip, blinking hard. What was she doing? This was a stupid idea. Angrily, she pushed away from the table. Her chair clattered to the floor behind her.
“You know what? I can’t do this anymore. I deserved what I got. I asked for it, okay? Is that what you’re thinking, because you’re right. What was I thinking?” She bolted to the sink, shaking so hard she wanted to throw up.
“You’re the victim here.” His quiet statement hit a tender chord in her heart. “No one blames you. No one.”
“I blame me.” She wiped tears that couldn’t be held back. “Do you know what I hate the worst?”
“Yourself.” He was as calm as she was agitated.
Alex (In the Company of Snipers) Page 17