by Sarah Biglow
The words just spilled out. She could feel the world spinning off its axis around her. She’d said it, it was real, and now everything was going to come crashing down. She shivered as he wrapped his arms around her. Erika clung to him. I’ll just stay here forever, nice and safe. Maybe he’ll stop time for me or turn it back so this never happened.
“You should sit down.” Dane’s voice was barely a whisper.
Instead of fighting him, Erika slid into the booth, still attached to Dane. He held her for what felt like hours but was only minutes.
“You’re sure?” he finally asked.
“Yes.”
“What can I do?”
“Make it go away. Please.”
“Are you sure that’s what you want?” he asked.
“Yes. I…tried to look stuff up. But I don’t know what to do. Or where to go. It’s all just too much.”
“I’ll do whatever you need me to. You know that.”
“Just find someplace that will do it. And do it fast.”
He squeezed her shoulder, and she bit her lip to keep from sobbing. She couldn’t lose it at work. She still needed the job. She pulled a few napkins from the dispenser and wiped her cheeks. So much for not smudging her eyeliner and mascara.
“We’ll get through this. I promise,” Dane whispered before he stood and helped her to her feet.
“Thanks. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
9
September 8th
Shannon took the stairs two at time, grabbed some pathetically unused exercise clothes, threw them in a bag, and returned to the first floor. Tanner sat on the ground, tugging on his sneakers. Thank God for Velcro.
“Can you zip me?” Tanner asked and pointed to his jacket.
She pulled the zipper up to his chin, grabbed her jacket from a hook on the wall, and took a moment to make sure she had everything before ushering him to the car. Shannon backed out of the driveway and turned down their street. Thankfully, they didn’t have far to go.
“You be a good a boy today,” Shannon said and gave Tanner a kiss on the cheek when she dropped him off.
“Bye, Mama.”
Shannon waved as she climbed into the car and took off. She checked the time every few minutes as she pulled on to the highway. To her surprise, the roads were relatively clear, despite the lunch hour. The thought of lunch made her stomach rumble. She promised herself a big dinner and stopped for a quick bite at Starbucks on her way to the yoga studio. Not the healthiest, but it was relatively cheap, and she didn’t have to make it. She weaved through residential and industrial streets until she spotted the sign for Maternal Instincts Yoga. A small row of parking spots was available across the way, and she managed to snag one and get inside just before eleven forty-five.
“Hi, can I help you?” a young woman sitting behind a desk asked.
“I’m here for the yoga class at noon.”
“Great. Just fill this out. There are changing rooms around the corner.”
Shannon took the clipboard and pen from the receptionist and sat down by a young woman in her late twenties.
“This your first time, too?” the woman asked.
“Yeah. I’m Shannon.”
“Lisbeth. Nice to meet you.”
Shannon focused on the form, trying to do the math in her head. When had her doctor said she was due? Sometime in April? She scribbled it down and, after filling in her contact information, returned the form to the receptionist.
“I guess I’ll see you in there,” Shannon said, addressing Lisbeth.
“Yeah.”
Shannon rounded the corner and found an empty stall that reminded her of changing rooms in clothing stores, with a mirror covering the length of the right wall. Shannon took a minute to stare at her bare belly. It was probably her mind playing tricks, but she saw the tiniest bit of bulge. Shannon pulled the T-shirt over her head and put on workout shorts. She found a clip and pulled her hair away from her face. When she stepped out, she found Lisbeth heading for the studio. By Shannon’s watch, they had a good five minutes before the class began.
“So, have you done this before?” Shannon called, jogging to catch the younger woman.
Lisbeth stopped walking and turned around, water bottle strapped to her wrist.
“No. Though I hear it’s supposed to be really good strength building.”
“I haven’t, either. I thought about it before but just didn’t have the time.”
Lisbeth raised an eyebrow. “Not your first?”
Shannon smiled. “No. Fourth.”
“Brave woman.”
Shannon bit her tongue. “Thanks. What about you?”
“First…well…second, but it didn’t go well. We got really lucky this time. I’m just trying to do everything I can to make it to term.”
“Congratulations. I’m sure you’ll do great. I’ll keep you in my thoughts.”
“Thanks.”
Before they could continue their conversation, a woman in bright blue spandex walked out of the studio and into the waiting area.
“Ladies, come on in.”
“After you,” Shannon said and allowed Lisbeth to enter the studio ahead of her.
Several other women stood around the room with foam mats and towels draped around their necks. Shannon watched some of the other women, who looked almost eight months along, stretching. Transfixed, she stared as they bent far lower than she thought possible. There was no way she could have done that with any of her previous pregnancies. Kids were just too damn big.
“That looks like it’s got to be painful,” Lisbeth whispered.
“I’m sure they know what they’re doing.”
“I can’t believe they can still exercise that far along.”
“I worked up until a few days before I had my third child. So I’d imagine as long as they’re careful, they can continue to exercise until their due dates.”
“All right, ladies. Welcome to Maternal Instincts Yoga. My name is Carolyn. I’ll be your instructor. I want everyone to grab a mat. If you don’t have one, we have extras along the back wall. We’re going to start with some breathing drills.”
Shannon and Lisbeth grabbed mats and stood in the middle of the room. Shannon tried to clear her thoughts and focus on her breathing, but it was more difficult than she’d imagined. She mapped the route from the studio to school to pick up Christian and Meghan. Then to daycare and home. She thought about the various projects that needed work done by the end of the week. Too many things jumbled in her brain for her to focus on breathing.
“Okay. Now we’re going to move to some simple stretching poses. Why don’t we start with the tree pose,” Carolyn said, interrupting Shannon’s thoughts.
Shannon refocused on the people and the room around her. Others in the class started to balance on one foot. She watched some of the women who were farther along and wondered how they didn’t topple over from all of the weight.
“Bring your arms above your head and press your right foot to your left knee. If you can’t reach your knee, rest your foot against your calf. I know it’s tempting to just aim for your ankle but you can get higher,” Carolyn said from the front of the room.
Shannon slowly lifted her arms above her head and pressed her right foot to her left knee. She drew in a breath and tried not to fall over. Her left leg began to wobble, and she slid her foot down to her calf. Her balance stabilized just in time to come out of the pose and switch legs. Shannon saw Lisbeth suck down some water before continuing with the second tree pose.
They moved on to the half moon pose next. Less fear of falling over. Definitely a stretch in her sides. Shannon inhaled deeply and tried to focus on the stretch. She counted to fifteen and switched sides. The soft music filled her ears and helped calm some of her whirring thoughts. Instead of every detail of the life waiting outside for her, she thought about the one growing within her. The baby she hadn’t planned. Shannon’s heart skipped a beat. She hadn’t really thought of it a
s a new life. It had just been “the pregnancy” for weeks now. A tiny smile spread over her lips at the realization that she was creating a brand new person.
“Okay, ladies.”
Shannon refocused on the room around her and saw Carolyn waving people together. Shannon took a few steps to her right and scooted next to Lisbeth.
“What’s going on?”
“I’m not sure. She’ll explain.”
“We’re going to partner up for a few thigh-strengthening exercises.”
Shannon eased herself to the floor and waited for Lisbeth to join her. After watching Carolyn demonstrate the stretch, Shannon linked hands with her partner. She tugged lightly on Lisbeth’s arms. The room was silent, save the music filtering through at the lowest volume possible. Shannon fought the urge to talk. She got the sense that breaking the silence was a big no-no, and she didn’t want to upset anyone.
“This wasn’t exactly what I was expecting,” Lisbeth whispered.
Shannon nodded. “Me, either.”
Shannon felt worn out as class wrapped up. Maybe it was hormones going haywire. Or it could be the workout since chasing a four-year-old and wrangling a six- and nine-year-old wasn’t exactly what one would call exercise. She followed the rest of the group out of the studio and back to the changing rooms. She slipped into her other clothes and shoved the workout clothes in her bag. She pulled her hair loose from the clip and checked herself in the mirror. She stepped out of the room and nearly collided with one of the other women.
“I’m so sorry,” Shannon said.
“No need to apologize. I should have watched where I was going.”
Shannon glanced at the woman’s belly. “When are you due?”
“Last week. My doctor thinks the yoga will help get labor started. Personally, I’m convinced she’s going to stay in there forever.”
“Well, I’ll keep you in my thoughts,” Shannon offered.
“Thanks. Good luck with your little one.”
Shannon headed for the front door and caught Lisbeth before she left.
“Thanks for being my partner today.”
“Anytime. I felt a little bad about talking in there,” Lisbeth admitted.
Shannon stifled a laugh. “So did I.”
They walked out of the building and stood in the cool September air. Other women from the class passed them by with a small nod or a wave. Shannon fished her car keys out of her purse.
“So are you coming back next week?” Shannon asked.
“I hope so. That’s the plan anyway. What about you?”
“Also the plan. I didn’t think I’d be so tired afterwards.”
“It was kind of nice. After chasing four- and five-year-olds all morning, it was relaxing,” Lisbeth said.
“Teacher?”
“Kindergarten at a private school. It’s nice to be able to make full salary and only teach mornings.”
“My youngest will be starting school next year,” Shannon said, toying with her key ring.
“How old are your other two?”
“Christian’s nine, and Meghan’s six.” Shannon opened her wallet and pulled the most recent picture she had of all three kids.
“And Tanner is four,” she said.
“They’re adorable.”
Shannon smiled. “Thank you.”
Her phone beeped an obnoxious ringtone. One of the kids must have gotten hold of the phone while she wasn’t looking. Rooting around in her purse, she finally found it at the bottom and pulled it out. She jumped at the time.
“Sorry to just run, but I have to get home and finish some things before I pick them up from school.”
“Not a problem. I’ll see you next week.”
Shannon waved to Lisbeth while jogging across the street. She climbed into the driver’s seat, drove into the traffic, and had to go around the block to get back the way she had come. Downtown Boston streets were always so complicated with one-way streets never going the direction she needed. Shannon eyed the clock every two minutes as she pressed down on the gas. The car whizzed along the highway back to Cambridge, and she pulled into the driveway with forty minutes to spare before the elementary school let out. Leaving her workout clothes in the back of the car, Shannon rushed through the front door, settled at the computer, and scanned her to-do list on the desk.
By the time quarter of three rolled around, she’d ticked two things off the list. It would have to do. By three, she’d pulled into the school parking lot and joined the line of parents waiting to pick up their kids. After about ten minutes, she spotted Christian and Meghan. She honked the horn and rolled down the front passenger window.
“Hi, guys,” she said as they climbed in.
“Hi, Mom,” Christian said.
“Hi, Mama.”
“Did you have a good day at school?” she asked and pulled out of the parking lot.
“I made a picture for you, Mama,” Meghan said, kicking the back of Christian’s seat.
Through the rearview mirror, Shannon watched as Meghan started to open her backpack.
“Why don’t you show me when we get home, okay? I can’t look at it while I’m driving.”
“Okay, Mama.”
“Chris, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing. I just don’t want to talk about school.”
“Did something happen?”
“No.”
“Christian, if something happened, you need to tell me.”
“I saw a girl kiss Christian. Like a Mama and Daddy kiss,” Meghan said in a singsong voice.
“Shut up, Meg,” Christian said.
“Christian, do not tell your sister to shut up.”
Christian crossed his arms over his chest and stared out the window. Shannon pursed her lips, trying to figure out what to say.
“Is it true?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Fine.” She eased off the gas as she took the turn onto their street. “I want you to go straight to doing homework.”
“Yes, Mom,” he said.
Shannon pulled into the driveway and watched as Christian trudged up to the front door. She’d have to talk with him after dinner. Shannon grabbed her workout clothes from the back seat and headed inside.
“I’ll be back in a few minutes, Chris. I have to pick up your brother,” she said as she walked into the kitchen, Meghan trailing behind her.
“Okay.”
“Do you want to come?”
“No.”
“I’m going to lock the door when we go. Don’t open it.”
“I know, Mom.”
“And get right to homework.”
“I know.”
Shannon led Meghan back to the car and got her buckled in.
“So did you do anything special at school today?” Shannon asked.
“We learned about numbers.”
“You did?”
Meghan nodded. “I can make big numbers.”
“Show me.”
She watched her daughter’s forehead wrinkle with concentration. “Like um…you put the two and the three together, and it makes five.”
“Very good.”
Shannon pulled the car into a driveway and turned off the engine.
“Stay here. I’ll be right back.”
“Okay, Mama.”
Shannon walked up to the front door and rang the bell, shifting her weight while she waited for someone to answer.
“Hi, Shannon,” Alana said.
“Hi. Is Tanner ready?”
She turned around and called, “Tanner, your mom is here.”
Footsteps thundered on the hardwood floor, and Tanner came into view.
“How was he today?” Shannon asked as one of the older kids helped Tanner with his shoes.
“Fine. As always.”
“Great. Thanks so much, and we’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Bye, Tanner,” Alana said.
“Bye, bye.”
Shannon hoisted Tanner onto her hip
and carried him to the car. She got him settled in his car seat before climbing behind the wheel.
“Tanner, sweetie. Take your finger out of your mouth.”
“I got a tooth, Mama.”
“Well, leave it alone until we get home, please.”
Ten minutes later, she escorted Meghan and Tanner inside. “Chris, we’re back,” she called and shut the front door.
“Mama. Look at my picture now,” Meghan said, tugging on her hand.
“Just a minute, honey.” She helped Tanner out of his coat. “Come into the light so I can see your tooth.”
He opened his mouth and stuck his finger in. She tilted his head back, peered in, and moved his finger so she could get a proper look.
“You’re right. You do have a tooth coming in.”
He giggled.
“Does it hurt?”
“No.”
“Good. Why don’t you go play?”
Tanner scurried off into the living room, leaving her and Meghan standing in the hallway. Shannon followed Meghan into the kitchen. Meghan pulled out a picture and handed it over.
“That’s Daddy. And Christian and me and Tanner. And that’s you.”
Shannon looked at the figure with the big belly.
“And that’s the baby.”
A little stick figure fit neatly inside the big belly circle.
“It’s very nice. Why don’t we put it on the fridge, and you can show Daddy when he comes home.”
Meghan stuck the drawing to the fridge with two cartoon magnets.
“Let me know if you need help with your homework,” Shannon said as Meghan picked up her backpack.
“I can do it, Mama.”
“I know you can. But I’m here if you need me.”
Shannon watched her disappear around a corner and clomp up the stairs. She moved to the dining room and checked her e-mail for the fiftieth time that day, rubbing her temples as the screen blurred out of focus. Yoga took more out of me than I realized. The screen came back into focus, and she managed to answer a few e-mails before footfalls descended the stairs. She didn’t turn around until a voice spoke.
“Mom?”
Shannon turned around. “Yeah, Chris?”
“I need help with my math homework.”
He held his math book and a sheet of paper against his chest. Shannon rolled the computer chair over to the table and let him sit beside her.