by Sarah Biglow
Renee tried to breathe, but no air filled her lungs. She sank to the floor, and the picture fell from her hands. The room went in and out of focus, as if she was going to pass out. It didn’t make sense. He wouldn’t just disappear. Finally, air pushed into her burning lungs, and her chest ached from the effort. She found enough strength to stand and return to the bedroom. Everything he owned was gone. She let her feet take her where they wanted. The kitchen. An envelope sat on the table. She picked it up with shaking hands. There was a check inside with “next month’s rent” printed in the memo line. Renee tossed it back on the table and made it to the couch before collapsing and turning into a tear-soaked mess. They kept coming until she had no more tears to cry and her eyes burned. She rubbed them and only made it worse. Breaths came in ragged shallow gasps. Sitting up, she pulled out her cell and dialed his number.
It rang six times before it went to voicemail. Instead of leaving a message, she hung up and headed for the hallway. She hit the call button for the elevator and nearly stormed out into the lobby when it stopped to let her disembark. She stopped at the door to the leasing office and heard voices inside.
“We’re about to close,” one of the women at the front desk said when she spotted Renee.
“I need to talk to someone,” Renee said, trying to keep the anger out of her voice.
“You’ll have to come back tomorrow.”
“It’s an emergency.”
The woman glanced to her left, where the manager sat. After another moment of silence, she nodded.
“You can go in.”
Renee walked into the manager’s office and slammed the door shut. The manager jumped.
“What can I do for you?”
“Bryce Eagan. When did he move out?”
“What unit?”
“Six fifteen.”
He hastily checked his records.
“He turned in his key around two thirty today.”
“What does that mean for me?”
“I’m sorry?”
“I’m still living there. But I can’t pay rent on a two bedroom apartment.”
“Please sit down.”
Renee sank into a chair.
“Why don’t you explain what’s going on.”
“I don’t know what’s going on. I got home today, and he was just gone. All of his stuff is gone, and he left me a check, but it only covers next month.”
“We aren’t really in a position to offer to lower your rent right now. Maybe if you renew your lease?”
“Are you deaf? I can’t pay the rent now!”
“Please calm down.”
“No. You know what, fuck this.”
Renee stormed out of the room, her neck hot with anger. She couldn’t take this. It wasn’t fair, and if she wasn’t careful, she was going to punch someone or something really hard. She took the stairs up the six flights to her floor and ended up back on the couch, staring at the new ultrasound picture.
“You aren’t going to leave me,” she whispered and pressed the picture to her chest.
12
September 17th
Erika sat on the couch with her laptop on the table in front of her. Dane sat beside her and leaned forward to fiddle with the touchpad mouse.
“What about this one?” he asked, pointing to a glossy-looking homepage.
“No.”
“Erika, this is like the tenth site we’ve looked at. You have to choose one.”
“I don’t know what I’m supposed to be looking for.”
“I’m not an expert, either. And you’re the one who wants to do this.”
“I’m tired. Can’t you just do it for me? I want to go to bed.”
Not waiting for his answer, she climbed over his lap and headed into her bedroom. Crawling beneath the covers, she tried to ignore the sound of Dane still surfing the Internet in the next room. Sleep came quickly. Erika rolled over, felt a presence standing by the bed, and her heart fluttered. Dane stood there holding a Starbucks tray.
“How’d you get in?” she asked, still half-asleep.
“I stayed last night, remember?”
She shook her head.
“Here, drink this.” He handed her an insulated cup.
Erika struggled to a sitting position and took a sip. Tea with about four sugars. Only way she’d drink it. Dane stood where he was, giving her an expectant look.
“Thanks.”
“Come on. You have to get up.”
“What for? I’m never leaving my apartment again. I’m never going near anyone ever again.”
“I found a clinic and made an appointment for today.”
Erika handed the tea back and buried herself under the covers. She waited for him to leave, but he stood there, watching her.
“You told me you wanted my help, Erika. So I’m helping because you obviously weren’t interested. Besides, you haven’t left this place in like a week.”
Slowly, Erika stuck her head out from beneath the blanket. “I am interested. I don’t want this thing in me. You’re sure people won’t know when we go?”
“Course not.” He offered her a hand, and she let him pull her out of bed.
She stopped in front of the mirror and stared at herself in the semi-darkness. “God, you can see it.”
“You can’t. You look fine,” Dane replied, guiding her toward the living room.
She shielded her gaze as the daylight struck her. Erika groaned as she pulled on sneakers and finger-combed her hair. Dane shoved the teacup back into her hands and helped her into her jacket.
“You’re sure they’ll do it? They’ll get rid of it?”
“Erika, it’s what they do.”
She nodded, and they walked down to the elevator. Dane blocked her vantage point of the mirror, and she was secretly grateful. She moved almost as if she were sleep walking all the way to the clinic. Her mind was blank as Dane forced her into a chair.
“Erika.” His voice was miles away.
A sharp crack echoed in her ears, and she looked at him.
“Huh?”
“You have to fill this out,” he said, handing her a form.
She stared at it, but none of the words made sense.
“I can’t do it.”
“They aren’t going to take you if you don’t.”
“It’s like it’s in gibberish or something.”
Dane took the clipboard back and read the questions aloud. Erika did her best to answer, but she couldn’t come up with any idea of when she was due.
“Well, just guess.”
Erika shrugged. “I don’t know. April, maybe?”
“Okay.” He looked over the rest of the form. “I think we answered everything.”
Erika watched him give the clipboard back to the receptionist. She didn’t even protest when he took her hand in his.
“We’ll get through this.”
“Why are you being so nice to me?”
“Because I care about you. And I hate seeing the people I care about in pain.”
Erika felt the blush creep into her cheeks, and she turned away. “Thanks.”
They sat together in the waiting room, and all Erika could do was look at Dane in profile. Maybe her head was still a little foggy, but he seemed to glow. She curled up against his shoulder and snaked her arm through his. Finally, the door at the far right opened, and a woman in a pale pink outfit walked out.
“Erika Lind?”
“That’s us,” Dane said, tugging her to her feet.
Erika tried to straighten her shirt and pants as they followed the woman into a chilly office. But they don’t do this in offices.
“Please have a seat,” the woman in pink said.
Erika complied and fidgeted in the chair. The air was too cold, and every inch of her skin prickled with goose bumps. Even the little hairs on her neck stood on end. The woman looked over the information Dane had filled out.
“So, tell me Erika, why do you want to have an abortion?”
&n
bsp; Erika blinked. Is she stupid? “I don’t want a baby. I never wanted a baby. It just happened. I can’t be a parent.”
“Have you considered other options?”
“Like what? There’s nothing else out there.”
The woman pulled a few pamphlets from her desk and passed them over. Erika took them and looked through.
Adoption.
“You think I should do this?”
“I’m not making any decisions for you, Erika. This is your baby and your choice. We’re just trying to give you information about all of the available options.” She stood. “I’ll give you some time to think about it and check back in a few minutes.”
The door thudded closed, and Erika could feel the vibrations from her feet to her ears. She tossed the pamphlets on the desk and stood up.
“Where are you going?” Dane asked.
“I can’t do this. You said you were going to help me.”
“I am helping you, Erika. Sit down.”
“No. You lied to me. You said they would do it, and they aren’t doing it.”
“Damn it, Erika, sit your ass down and listen to me.”
Red-faced, Dane pointed to the chair. One look at him, and Erika sat.
“I get that your life is really fucked up right now. You’ve got this baby you didn’t ask for, and you don’t know how to deal. Well, this lady is giving you an option. Have the kid, and let someone else raise it. You may not want to admit it, but your heart isn’t in this abortion.”
“What the fuck do you know?”
“I know you, Erika. You have a right to be scared. I’d be more worried if you weren’t scared. But you can’t let that control you.”
“It’s just a thing. A bunch of cells.”
“You’re just rationalizing. You know as well as I do that’s the truth. Now, just consider this other option. Please.”
She eyed the stack of shiny leaflets again. The people in the photographs with little babies all looked so happy and normal. As if it was the easiest thing in the world to just hand off your kid to some stranger.
“But who would want my kid?”
“I’m sure there’s somebody out there that wants a baby and can’t have one. This is a way out. You just have to see it.”
Erika drew her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around her legs. It was all too much to take in at once. All she’d wanted to do for weeks was forget it had happened, and after being on overload, even that was too difficult to accomplish. Before she could start coming up with reasons why it would be a bad and horrible idea to go through with adoption, the woman in pink walked back in, carrying Styrofoam cups.
“I brought you some water.”
“Thanks,” Erika mumbled. She took the cup and gulped the water down.
The woman sat down across from them and leaned on the desk.
“So…if I do this…I don’t have to keep the baby?” Erika said and nodded toward the adoption pamphlets.
“That’s right. The adoption agency will match you with a family and, depending on the agreement you come to, they may pay for doctors’ visits and hospital bills, and you might be able to have some contact with the baby after birth.”
Erika paled at the mention of doctors. She hadn’t been to one since she found out about the pregnancy.
“Oh. You don’t do that here?”
“No. But in the brochures I gave you, it lists a wonderful organization.”
Erika sifted through the material until the one for Commonwealth Adoption Services stared up at her with its bright colors and happy people.
“They’re here in Boston, so you can make an appointment, and they’ll be happy to help you.”
“What about, um…what if the baby’s got problems?”
“What do you mean?”
“Like…” She couldn’t make herself say it. She looked to Dane, begging him with her eyes to fill in the blanks.
“I think what she means is what if she did something that might hurt the baby…like…drinking.”
Always coming through for her.
“Your doctor can test for fetal alcohol syndrome. Did you consume a lot of alcohol?”
Erika felt her face redden, and she was pretty sure she was burning like a super nova. “I really don’t remember. But I did drink. I didn’t even think about it.”
“Have you been to see a doctor?”
“Not since August…like a month ago.”
She made some notes on the clipboard and nodded her head. “You should see a doctor immediately.”
“But if there is something wrong with it…doesn’t that mean that no one will want it?”
“People adopt children with special needs all the time.”
The woman was trying to be positive, even though her voice sounded strained. But it was nice of her to say it. The room fell silent except for the crackle of the air conditioning in the ceiling still pumping out arctic air.
“Here’s my card if you have any questions,” the woman said, handing over a beige card.
Charlotte Everett.
“Thanks,” Erika mumbled.
“Good luck.”
Erika folded up the adoption brochures and stuck them in her purse. She followed Dane out to the waiting area. After the receptionist reassured them three times that they didn’t have pay if they didn’t have a procedure done, they left. The air outside felt fifteen degrees warmer than it did in the office.
“God, why was it so cold in there?”
“It wasn’t that cold,” Dane said.
“You’re a guy. You have more to keep you warm.”
Dane nudged her in the shoulder as they weaved through the pedestrian traffic. They walked in silence for a minute or two before Dane looped his arm through hers.
“So, are you feeling okay?”
“You mean do I want to throw up? No.”
“I mean in general. That was a lot to take in back there.”
“Did you know they were going to tell me not to do it?”
“No.”
She could hear the lie in his voice. He was a crappy liar.
“You did, too.”
“Well okay, maybe I thought they might. But let’s face it, you were pretty terrified going in there.”
“I probably already screwed this kid up anyway. No one’s going to want it.”
“You don’t know that. That lady said people take kids with problems all the time.”
“She was just being nice, dummy.”
“You shouldn’t be so cranky.”
“I’m going to be really fat, and it’s your fault.”
“You’ll make it. Just think…With all that extra fat, you won’t get cold in the winter time.”
“You’re stupid.”
Dane pulled his arm away from hers and wrapped it around her shoulders. They made it back to her apartment and found a notice slipped under the door. Erika’s heart started to beat a little faster. It was on the leasing office letterhead. She walked right past it.
“Hey, Erika, you’ve got something from your landlord.”
“I don’t want to see it.”
“You should. It says you didn’t pay this month’s rent.”
“Fuck. This day just gets better and better.” Erika crawled onto the couch and pressed a pillow to her chest.
“This is serious.”
“I don’t have the money to pay it. I’m probably fired anyway.”
Dane opened his mouth to speak, but she held up a hand.
“I’m not taking your money. I’ll figure it out.”
“You’ve got way too much going on right now to handle this. Let me give you the money. You don’t even have to pay me back.”
“Dane, I don’t want your money.”
“But you need it. They’re going to kick you out if you don’t pay by the beginning of October.”
“Well, it’s not the end of September yet, so I’ve got time.”
Dane glared at her and pulled the brochures out of her purse
. He flipped through a couple and then stopped.
“What?” Erika asked.
“This one’s not about adoption.”
“So?”
“It’s about yoga.”
“Like going to the gym and getting all sweaty?”
“Something like that, but for pregnant women. Here.” He handed it to her.
She looked at the two-sided paper for Maternal Instincts Yoga in downtown Boston. She couldn’t keep a snort of laughter in after seeing the pictures of really pregnant women doing hilarious poses.
“This is pretty funny.”
“Maybe she put it in there for a reason.”
“Maybe.”
“Hey, if you need me to get you to a doctor’s appointment or anything, just let me know,” he said, toying with the zipper on his wallet.
“Oh, uh…okay. I’ll call you.”
“You really should see a doctor soon.”
Erika looked at the women in the brochure again. Despite the funny poses, they looked calm and relaxed. She’d love to be calm and relaxed right now.
“I’ll make one Monday.”
“Okay. Just text me when and where, and I’ll be there.”
She got up and wrapped her arms around him. He held her close, and she remembered how good it had felt when they were together. Tilting her head up, she kissed him. Just a quick kiss, but it left a dazed, slightly dopey look on his face.
“Thanks,” she said.
He let out a soft sigh and took a step away from her.
“I should go,” he muttered and bolted for the door.
Erika watched him go and sank back to the couch. Stupid. I shouldn’t have kissed him. Now he’s going to panic, and things are going to get all weird. She screamed into the pillow and reached for the nearest glass. She sniffed it. Old beer. She was about to put it to her lips when she remembered how much she’d already ruined her kid’s chances of being normal.
13
September 20th
Shannon leaned back, rubbing away the sleepy feeling. She’d barely slept the night before. The images on the computer screen blurred, and she turned away. Work could wait until after her doctor’s appointment. Even though it made Mike happy, she was beginning to regret taking on more clients. She should voice her own concerns, but she hated fighting with him. Tanner sat in the living room, watching cartoons.