Unplanned

by Sarah Biglow

  “Sure,” Lisbeth said and watched Shannon head to the front.

  Lisbeth handed Renee another tissue and let her wipe away the tear tracks. She tried to eavesdrop on Shannon’s conversation without being obvious. Peering around the corner, she managed to catch part of their exchange.

  “You look a little confused,” Shannon said.

  “Yeah…I really don’t know why I’m here. I mean…I don’t even have enough to pay rent, so I don’t know how I’m going to pay for yoga lessons.”

  Shannon gave her a sad smile and said, “It’s only twenty bucks. Why don’t I cover it for you?”

  “You don’t even know me.”

  “Please…I can spare twenty bucks.”

  The girl nodded.

  “I’m Erika.”

  “Shannon.”

  “Why don’t you come back to the changing area? I think there are some people who’d like to meet you.”

  Shannon led the other girl over. Lisbeth turned around and tried to act as if she’d been tending to Renee the entire time. For her part, Renee leaned on Lisbeth’s shoulder. The fourth girl looked a bit awestruck to Lisbeth as she cowered a little behind Shannon. Lisbeth could smell the faint scent of vodka on the new arrival, and it turned her stomach.

  “This is Erika,” Shannon said.

  “Hi,” Lisbeth said.

  “Hi,” Erika muttered and focused intently on the floor.

  “You look like you need these more than I do,” Renee said and handed over the unused tissues.

  “Thanks.”

  “Your boyfriend a jerk, too?” Lisbeth asked. It seemed like the thing to say.

  “No. I uh…does this stuff…yoga…really help?”

  “Yeah. Once you find your balance. You can be as big as a whale and stand on one leg,” Lisbeth said with a laugh.

  “This is Renee and Lisbeth,” Shannon said.

  Erika gave a small wave and looked at Shannon as if she was scared to say anything.

  “Renee’s looking for a roommate,” Shannon explained.

  Erika’s expression lit up. “You are?”

  Renee twisted a strand of hair between her fingers. “Maybe. I don’t know. I just…can’t afford to move. And I also can’t afford a two-bedroom alone.”

  Erika gave Renee a half-smile. “Maybe we could talk after class?”

  “Sure.”

  The foursome headed to the studio. Carolyn had started the calming music, and the other women had their mats ready. Lisbeth took up a free spot and concentrated on pushing all thoughts out of her mind: the kids from her class learning their numbers, and Candace’s surprise phone call after class. They always started with deep breathing. It surprised her how much it helped focus her thoughts on her body rather than her day or what needed to be done once she got home. The atmosphere soothed her. Definitely a feeling she longed for more often than once a week. I should do this at home. Carolyn’s voice filled her ears, and Lisbeth focused on the acute expansion and contraction of her chest.

  “Very good, ladies. Let’s get in the warrior pose first today.”

  Carolyn demonstrated the pose, but Lisbeth had already memorized it. She let the feeling stretch from her calves up through her fingertips. All of the sound in the room, save her own heartbeat, disappeared.

  They soon moved to the half moon pose, and Lisbeth looked at her toes to keep her balance while the women around her bent gracefully. She saw Erika struggling to balance and wondered if it was the exercise or the alcohol making it more difficult. Unlike her, the other women she’d started to befriend had pregnancies that weren’t wanted or planned. They had hurdles to overcome. Maybe I can help them.

  When they moved to the floor stretches, she snagged Shannon as a partner. She figured they should let Erika and Renee get to know each other.

  “So do you think it will work out with Renee and Erika?” Lisbeth asked softly.

  They’d managed to have little conversations during class without getting scathing looks from the other participants.

  “I hope so. Erika seems desperate.”

  “I’d have to agree. She may also be drunk.”

  Shannon quirked an eyebrow. “You noticed that, too?”

  “I could smell it on her in the changing area.”

  “Poor kid. I covered her class for today. She seemed unsure, like she’s not used to accepting help from other people.”

  “I hope she didn’t act offended or anything.”

  “I don’t think so. She just seems in a tight spot.”

  Before Lisbeth could say anything, Carolyn signaled for everyone to stand up. Lisbeth allowed Shannon to pull her to a standing position. She glanced in the mirror and watched as Erika and Renee got to their feet. The class did a few new poses, which made Lisbeth ache in places she didn’t even know could ache. After struggling to stand up, Lisbeth felt as if the room spun. She slowed her breathing, and the dizziness faded.

  “Are you okay?” Renee asked.

  “Yeah. Just came up too fast,” Lisbeth answered. She picked up her towel and water bottle and headed out of the studio.

  Lisbeth stepped into her stall and pulled on her regular clothes. She fanned her shirt to cool down. A nice shower was definitely in order when she got home. Erika and Renee were swapping phone numbers when she came out.

  “I’ll call you soon, I guess. I have to talk to my landlord about moving out,” Erika said.

  “That’s fine. Once you figure it all that out, we can meet with my landlord and get you on the lease.”

  Erika smiled. “Thanks. Though I should warn you, I’ve got…issues.”

  “Trust me, so do I. Have a safe ride home.”

  Lisbeth watched them exchange waves and walk out. Shannon appeared next to Lisbeth, smiling.

  “They looked happy.”

  “Yes, they did. Good thing you eavesdropped,” Lisbeth said with a laugh.

  Shannon joined in the laughter, and they walked to their cars.

  “I hope things work out for them,” Lisbeth said and leaned on the hood of her car.

  “I’m sure it will. Besides, I have a feeling we’ll see them next week.”

  “Have a good afternoon,” Lisbeth said and climbed into her car.

  She pulled out and drove through the one-way streets. The drive home calmed her. The air conditioning helped, too.

  Twenty minutes later, Lisbeth sank into a bathtub full of foamy bubbles. The water rose to just below her chin. A clump of bubbles floated past her arm, and she settled against the edge of the tub, letting the flowery aroma fill her nose. She had plenty of time before Candace got in, even if she was coming home early.

  “Hey, sleepyhead,” Candace said.

  Lisbeth peered through one eye to see Candace sitting on the radiator to her right. She slowly sat up in the tub, the bubbles still clinging to her wet skin.

  “When did you get home?”

  “A few minutes ago. I didn’t want to disturb you.”

  “What time is it?”

  “Almost quarter to three.”

  “I didn’t realize I’d fallen asleep.”

  “You looked really peaceful in there.”

  “I was.”

  Candace stood and offered her a towel. Lisbeth got to her feet, letting the bath water run off her in rivulets. She wrapped the towel around her body and stepped onto the bathmat. Candace reached behind her and scooped up a handful of bubbles, dabbing them on the end of Lisbeth’s nose. Lisbeth’s laughter quickly turned into a sneeze, and the towel slipped.

  “Oops,” Candace said with a sly grin.

  “Flirt,” Lisbeth accused with a smile and shooed her wife out of the room.

  Lisbeth emerged a few minutes later with the sound of water gurgling down the drain behind her. In the nursery, Candace reclined in the rocking chair, and Lisbeth sat in her lap.

  “How was your day?” Candace asked.

  “Fine. The kids were less rowdy today. I think they’re finally settling into the school routin
e.”

  “And your other class?”

  Lisbeth straightened up to look Candace in the face. “Met two more interesting women. Younger.”

  “How much younger?”

  “I don’t know. A few years, maybe. But they were both in pretty rough shape. Shannon kind of took them under her wing.”

  “You’ve got all these new friends. It’s not fair.”

  “So take Wednesday off next week and come with me.”

  “I may just do that.”

  “I’d like it if you did.”

  “So…what did she do for them?”

  “Renee was looking for a roommate, and Erika offered to move in. At least, I think that’s where they left it after class.”

  “Shannon must be some kind of matchmaker.”

  “She’s a mother who saw two people in need and did what she could to help.”

  Candace looked around the room and sighed.

  “What are you thinking about?” Lisbeth asked and brushed a lock of hair from Candace’s face.

  “What I wanted to talk to you about.” Her voice trembled.

  She didn’t sound so worried on the phone. Lisbeth stood up to face Candace. “What is it? What’s wrong?”

  “Let’s go into the living room,” Candace said and didn’t wait for a response.

  Lisbeth stood and stared at the empty rocking chair for a minute before pivoting and leaving the nursery. Candace sat on the couch, staring at a pile of printouts.

  “Sweetheart, just tell me what’s going on,” Lisbeth said.

  “I did some research…about twin pregnancy. I didn’t like what I saw, Lisbeth.”

  “We know there can be risks. Dr. Ellison explained all of that at our last appointment. But he said as long as we just keep doing what he says, we have a great chance of getting pretty close to term.”

  “That’s not what I’m talking about, Lissie. Low birth weight, developmental disabilities. These are things that we may not be able to control. Not to mention your health.”

  Lisbeth sat down and took Candace’s hand in her own. Her wife flipped through some pages on the table and pulled out what look like an article.

  “We will be fine. I will be fine,” Lisbeth said.

  “I really am not so sure. Even if we do everything by the book, having a multiple pregnancy is dangerous. Just…look at this article. I think it’s a viable option.”

  Lisbeth took the papers and skimmed the first paragraph. As the words registered, her hands went numb and the pages tumbled to the floor. The numbness spread up her arms and to the pit of her stomach. Something hard and cold settled there, and she fought not to throw up.

  “How…how could you think that would be an option?”

  “Just hear me out. It would ensure we get to full term. We would still have one child. Nothing would change.”

  “Everything would change. We agreed we would take whatever we were given in this process. And if that means twins, then so be it. I can’t just abandon a child.”

  “It’s not abandoning a child, Lisbeth. We are giving ourselves better odds.”

  “What does Dr. Ellison say about this?” Lisbeth asked. Feeling returned to her extremities, and she moved away from the couch.

  “We can make an appointment and ask. I just want you to think about it.”

  “I have, and I don’t like it, Candace. How can you expect me to choose one of these babies to terminate?”

  “You don’t have to choose. The doctor makes that decision.”

  “Contrary to popular belief, that doesn’t make me feel any better. You know, I love you, but this was underhanded and so very not like you. And I’m hurt that you’d even think it would work for us,” Lisbeth said and scooped up the fallen papers on twin reduction.

  “I didn’t do this to hurt you. I am trying to do what is best for your health. Do you think I forgot how much pain you were in when we lost the last pregnancy? How I sat with you for days as you cried? Do you think I want you to go through that again? You know I’d take your place if I could.”

  “That was different, and you know it. And how the hell do you know terminating one of these fetuses wouldn’t have the exact same effect?”

  “Because we’ll still have one baby, Lisbeth.”

  “You can’t guarantee that. And you know, I don’t think this is about me or the babies at all. This is about you. God, how selfish can you be?”

  “What is that supposed to mean?” Candace retorted.

  “You can’t conceive so you’re putting all your hope on my shoulders without any thought about what I want.”

  “Are you saying you don’t want to do this anymore?”

  Lisbeth took slow breaths and looked away from Candace. This was getting out of hand. Silence enveloped them as she tried to control her emotions.

  “No. Of course I want to have children. But you’re so focused on getting to term that you aren’t considering that we could be perfectly fine with two babies.”

  Lisbeth headed for the front door and left Candace sitting on the couch. She needed space and time to cool down before she said something—or worse, did something—she would regret. In the cool evening air, Lisbeth paced the grounds at the front of the building as she fought back tears of anger. They burned like white-hot pinpricks against her eyes, but she refused to let them fall.

  15

  October 3rd

  Renee wandered around the apartment, straightening pillows and adjusting shades. Her anxiety level rose to an all-time high as she waited. She’d already talked to her landlord with Erika. It would be fine to put her on the lease. Now all they had to do was move her in. She passed by the microwave and glanced at the time: two forty. In addition to her anxiety, Renee’s patience wore thin. She hated waiting. Just then, someone rapped on the door. She jumped and pulled it open. Her brother stood on the other side.

  “Max, what are you doing here?”

  “Just wanted to come by. Is that a problem?”

  “Uh…it’s just kind of a hectic day.”

  He walked in and took off his coat. She hung it on the coat rack by the door and followed him into the kitchen.

  “Mom told you what happened, didn’t she?” Renee asked.

  “Yeah. And I know you’re going to hate me for this, but he never was good enough for you.”

  Renee smiled in spite of herself. “Thanks for that. Right now, I couldn’t agree with you more.”

  Without warning, he pulled her into a bear hug. The best kind, where it felt like he’d never let her go. Like he’d done after Alyssa.

  “If you need anything, you know you can just ask,” he whispered against her hair.

  “I’m not asking you to do anything.”

  “But you can, you know. Anything.”

  Renee managed to pull herself free of his arms. “Thanks. Well, you could stick around, actually.”

  “Cool. What are you doing today that it’s so hectic?”

  “I have a new roommate moving in.”

  “Damn. You move quick.”

  She jabbed him in the ribs with her elbow. He feigned injury and burst out laughing.

  “It’s a girl I met at yoga. She was having some problems with her apartment, and we hit it off.”

  “Oh.”

  “So be nice to her, okay?”

  “You got it.”

  Another knock on the door interrupted their conversation. Renee gave Max a warning look as she pulled it open. Erika and a guy stood on the other side with a bunch of boxes.

  “Hi,” Renee said and took the boxes from Erika.

  “Hey.”

  “Come on in.”

  She led them inside and down to the second bedroom. She’d cleared out all of Bryce’s extra shit. Renee set the boxes on the floor and looked around.

  “Oh uh…you have a bed, right?”

  “Yeah. It’s outside.”

  “Great.” Max appeared in the doorway. “This is my brother, Max. He can help you bring it in.”


  Max and the other guy headed back outside. Erika dropped to her knees and opened the boxes.

  “Do you have more to bring in?”

  “Not really. I mean, you’ve got kitchen stuff. Seemed silly to bring mine, too. So I sold it on eBay.”

  “Good plan. You get a decent price for it?”

  “Yeah, actually…a few hundred bucks. Enough to settle the issues with my landlord, at least.”

  “Good.” They unpacked the boxes and got all of Erika’s clothes hung up in the closet just as the guys returned with the bed. Max and Erika’s friend grunted as they hefted the mattress down the hallway.

  “Watch out,” Max called. Renee and Erika stepped out of the way, and the guys carried in the mattress.

  “We still have the rest of it,” he said with a huff.

  “Oh, I’m Dane, by the way,” the other guy introduced himself and shook Renee’s hand.

  “Nice to meet you.”

  As soon as the guys left, Renee looked at Erika. “He’s cute.”

  “He’s just a friend.”

  “You sure about that?”

  “We dated in college for a while, but it didn’t work out. He’s just been helping with all this pregnancy stuff.”

  “Weren’t expecting it?”

  “Not at all. You?”

  “Nope. But I’m making it work.”

  “You’re lucky you can actually raise a baby.”

  Renee looked at her. “What do you mean?”

  “My life is too fucked up to take care of a baby. I’ve got my own problems to figure out first, you know?”

  “So what are you going to do?”

  “I’m looking at this adoption place. Though I don’t know if they’ll take the baby.”

  “I’m sure it will work out,” Renee said, trying to be upbeat.

  By half past four, they’d gotten the bed put together and the covers on it. Renee led Erika and Dane around the rest of the apartment.

  “Living room area is in here. I’ve got a TV and stuff. Pretty standard. Kitchen, obviously, and my room’s over here.”

  They walked in, and she flipped the light switch on.

  “It’s nice,” Erika commented.

  “Thanks. I’m going to put the crib over there,” she said and pointed to the far wall.