by Claire Adams
When you have something people want, they get close to you, but not because they want to be your friends. They're leeches who want to suck you dry or enablers who don’t care whether you run yourself into the ground because it’s not their problem. Nobody had ever called me on my bullshit like that, and even if I wish she hadn't, it was sort of nice that she gave enough of a fuck to say something.
I was shelling out thousands of dollars a night to stay here, and their only job was to give me whatever I wanted. She didn't have to care that I was an addict. She didn't just care; she sounded almost sad that I was doing that to myself.
I got into the elevator and waited to go up to my suite. She was walking through the lobby back to the desk as the doors were closing. She was running a hand through her hair and looked mad.
Apologize to her, I thought suddenly.
No, you told her to fuck off; why would you go back over there to talk to her again?
The doors closed and stopped me before I did anything stupid. I got to my room and left my plate on the table, not really that hungry anymore. I felt restless. I wanted to do something because I knew what happened when I got like this. It would start. It'd start bubbling up until it was too much and I'd use again.
Television wouldn't work. I didn't want to go on the internet. I paced around, suddenly remembering the piano. Yeah. That would do it. It would keep my hands busy. I sat at the piano and touched the keys, waiting to hear something. The stuff I had composed for Remus wasn’t even half of the work I had accumulated since I had started writing music. I had more music than I knew what to do with. When it came out of me, I had to put it somewhere.
Sometime must have passed before I stopped, realizing something. My hands weren't shaking. I wasn't sweating. I felt fine.
I had been fine all day, but right then, I was calm. Sitting there at the piano, I felt like everything was okay. I had been so heated after what had happened with Abby; that was the sort of thing that would have sent me right off the edge, using again, but I hadn't.
This weird urge came over me to say something to her. To tell her that I had found something. One of those things she said she wanted to show me that would make me want to stop using. I got to the phone and dialed the number for the front desk.
"Good afternoon. Thank you for calling Four Seasons Lanai, you're speaking to Abby. How may I help you?" she asked me.
I slammed the phone back into the receiver. What the hell was I doing? She didn’t care; hadn’t I told her to fuck off and leave me alone? Fuck, make up your mind, I thought. Either you’re doing this shit alone, or you’re taking her up on her offer. I remembered her face after I had left her, like she was hurt. There was no way her offer still stood. Nobody was that nice.
Chapter Ten
Abby
"So if you're in school online, do you sit in on classes over Skype or something?"
"No, I get the material, sources, and outline, and I can just study at my own pace," I said.
Makani was laying on her stomach on a towel beside me on the beach outside my house. The sun was warm, and the beach hadn't kicked up to full activity yet. Her bikini was white, which looked fantastic against her dark skin. Lying out in the sun was super touristy, but it was fun. The beach was amazing; why should they get to have all the fun?
There were beaches in Texas, but I’d seen a lot more desert than beach when I'd lived there. Makani had gotten here a couple hours ago, and we still hadn't gone on that run we had said we'd go on. It was about ten, and we'd accepted that it wasn't going to happen anymore.
We had a day off. We didn't have many, but the ones we did have, we tended to spend together even though we worked together.
"So does it take longer for you to graduate than someone who goes to class every day?" she asked. I adjusted my sunglasses on my face, turning my head to look at her.
"It can, but it depends on the way I spend my time. I could draw it out if I wanted, but I don't need to."
I was getting my business administration degree online. My university didn't have a Lanai campus, and I wasn't prepared to move to be able to attend in person. Online classes were a cheaper, better option for me that still let me work and support myself while getting an education.
"When are you graduating?"
"Next year or the one after that; it depends. You thinking about starting?"
"No," she sighed. "You can do the college thing. I'm good right here," she said smiling.
She had been making her own money for a long time. The option to go back to school was always there if she wanted it, but she didn't right now. It was something we didn't have in common, but it wasn't a big deal. She was working, had her own place, and a life she enjoyed, so school wouldn't give her anything she didn't have already.
Well, unless you were talking about her physically attending somewhere, putting her around a lot of other people her age, which she hadn't really had for a while since she had been working so long already.
A lot of men around her age, specifically. She was gorgeous, and there was no lack of male attention wherever we went together, but she turned down every last one of them, as much as she teased me for having never been with anyone.
After Keno, she sort of closed shop, which was a tragedy for the men of the island. And for her, even though she didn't want to admit it. Keno was a nice guy. I liked them together. I never really felt like a third wheel with them.
It had taken her a while to finally tell me what had happened between them, but it was just one of those things where they hadn't wanted the same thing so instead of staying, she'd left. I hoped she'd open herself up to a relationship again soon. She was good at hiding it, but she had been lonely. I would have been, too, if I had been with someone for over a year.
"Are we going to lose you after you get your fancy degree?" she asked.
"No," I scoffed. "I'm not going anywhere." They could try to get rid of me, but it wouldn't work. I'd dug in roots here. This was home.
Leaving after I had earned my degree had crossed my mind a couple times. I had thought about leaving a lot since I had landed here, but the thoughts had come to me less and less as the years had passed.
When I'd arrived here, I had been a traumatized kid, freshly eighteen. Even though I had had nothing to go back to in Texas, I had still wanted to go back. The move, especially after the trial and the circus that had followed, had been too much for me. I had been upset. Even though it had been for my own good at the time, I had still had trouble adjusting.
Now, I couldn't imagine not living on Lanai. My life here was all mine. I'd built it for myself, by myself. I'd found myself a family, a home, and it was here that I saw in my future and not anywhere else.
"Uh-oh, incoming," Makani said.
"Where?"
"Your right." I glanced over my shoulder and saw who she was talking about. Two guys. I didn't recognize them as guests at the Four Seasons, but they were clearly tourists. They were in swim trunks and sunglasses and were walking right up to us. I rolled my eyes.
"Should I do it, or will you?" she asked.
One of the guys had bleached hair, and the other had a crew cut. They looked close to our age, which was better than the guys we got hitting on us a lot of the time. They were actually pretty cute, I realized as they stopped in front of us.
"Morning, ladies," the blond one said brightly. Australians, I thought.
"Hi," Makani said, rolling onto her back, "You guys looking for something?"
"We're on the island for a few days, and we were wondering whether you knew any good places we could hang out. You're locals, right?" crew cut asked.
"If you want to know where you can score some weed, you're on the wrong beach," I told them. Makani giggled. The guys laughed, too.
"Oh no, that's the first thing we looked for when we got here," the blond said. I'd let him think he was funny. I smiled sarcastically.
"Looks like you’re set for a good time, then,” I said.
“
Almost. You guys live around here?”
“We do. If you guys are looking for dates, you’re on the wrong beach for that, too,” I said. They laughed a little, looking uncomfortable.
“That’s too bad. We thought we’d have a little fun, since this is supposed to be Hawai’i’s most enticing island,” the blond said. “Where can we find you later?”
“Not here. We’re not interested,” I said with a sweet smile.
“What about you?” he asked Makani.
“Oh, she just told you. We’re not interested. By the way, about your problem, your hotel concierge should be able to tell you where to visit.”
“Let me take your number, so I can call you later if you change your minds,” he said.
“Nope, we’re good,” I said lightly. The guy looked stunned. This had probably worked for him before. It was probably worse on the bigger islands, but we got our creeps, too.
“Why, are you married or something?” he blurted out.
“Because even if I gave you my number, you wouldn’t know what to call me,” I said. Makani laughed. The one with the crew cut whispered something to his friend, and they awkwardly said they were going to check out more of the beach. We watched them leaving.
"Poor guys. That blond one really liked you," Makani said.
"He'll survive," I said, resting my head back down on my towel.
"Would you? You know, with a tourist?" she asked.
"Tourists leave. I don't want to be anyone's two-week summer fling before they go back home."
"I don't know. That guy looked about ready to emigrate for you," she joked. I pulled a face, making her laugh.
"Hard pass," I said.
"My God, Abby. You'll never have a relationship with standards that high," she said. I shrugged, laughing.
"I'll always have you," I said.
"You know what I mean. By the way, whatever happened to that singer guy you like?"
I froze. Nate. I had been trying not to think about the last conversation we had and what I had seen in his suite. Him passed out with a needle in his arm. I'd never be able to forget that. It gave me chills just thinking about it. I hadn't told Makani anything. In fact, I hadn't brought him up at all.
It was none of my business after all, right? That's what he had said. He didn't want any help. I hadn't seen him since in the lobby or anywhere else for that matter. He hadn't called the front desk. I was going to take that to mean he was fine.
Either that, or he had been in a coma for four days and nobody had discovered his unconscious body yet. I shrugged.
"Haven't really seen him. Are you hungry?" I asked, changing the subject.
She wasn't. The sun was getting higher, and the beach was getting a little crowded, though, so we ended up going inside after a little while. We stayed in until lunch, deciding to go eat somewhere in the city. We had the whole day in front of us.
We ended up shopping in the city before stopping at a bar for drinks. Because of all the tourists we got, we had an interesting mix of higher and lower end spots, some obviously meant for tourists with predictably inflated prices and others obviously meant for locals. It was like two different worlds. Sort of like the island: the old plantation buildings and historical sites sharing space with places like the Four Seasons, ultra-modern and new.
The sun had gone down by the time we were done, and Makani dropped me off before driving herself home. I had a quick shower and got into a long t-shirt to go to sleep. I wasn’t that tired, but there was nothing I really wanted to do that night that was going to keep me awake.
Since we’d been busy the whole day, I had managed pretty well not to think about what she had said earlier when the guys on the beach had tried to pick us up. It came up so often that it didn’t usually bother me, but sometimes I wondered how long it would take. I knew I was the only thing holding myself back, and I knew that I wasn’t going to be like this forever. I didn’t know when I could stop feeling guarded.
These days, months, years weren’t being wasted. I needed time to feel comfortable taking that sort of risk again, but I couldn’t help thinking that the days months and years that I was using now were years that I was losing in the future with someone who I would have a relationship with.
I was in no shape for a relationship. I had accepted that. That didn’t mean I didn’t think about what it might be like. That I didn’t want it. I wasn’t ready now. I just hoped that one day, sooner rather than later, I would be.
Chapter Eleven
Nate
I lay back on the couch, listening to the dial tone for the front desk to answer. I had a bone to pick with Abby. The girl had told me all day, every day; those were the hours I was allowed to come looking for her. Just come by the front desk and ask for Abby, she had said. Just holler if you need anything.
She'd come inside my suite without permission. She'd gone out of her way more than once to come look for me. The one fucking time I walk my ass all the way to the front desk because I actually want to talk to her, and she's not working?
Flakiness. I wasn't paying an arm and a leg at this fucking place so I could be ignored by the people who were there to help me. Besides, what if it had been an emergency? I don't know, like, I really needed someone with knowledge of the hotel and island to tell me where to go, somewhere real, not a tourist trap.
The point was she had said she'd be there, and she hadn't been.
Yesterday had almost been a good day. I had gotten up while it was still morning and had felt for the first time that I was ready to do something. I had gone to the front desk and guess who I didn’t see? When I’d asked for her, the girl who was there instead told me that it was Abby’s day off, and that she would be able to take care of whatever I wanted since Abby wasn’t there. I’d spent the day alone in my suite, and it was her fault.
“Good afternoon. Thank you for calling Four Seasons Lanai; you're speaking to Abby. How may I help you?" she finally said, picking the phone up.
"Where the fuck were you yesterday?" I asked. She was quiet for a second.
"Mr. Stone?"
"I told you not to call me that. Why weren't you at your desk yesterday?"
"I had a day off yesterday," she said.
"Didn't you say I could ask for you whenever I wanted? What the hell?"
"The front desk was still staffed. I'm sure you didn't come down here and find an empty desk."
"That's not the point; I was looking for you," I said.
"I can't imagine what I could have helped you with that another member of staff wouldn't have been able to," she said. "There isn't a question you could have asked that Stephanie wouldn't have been able to answer for you."
Stephanie. That girl I'd met at the desk the day before who had told me that she wouldn't contact Abby for me because it was her day off. All day every day. She had said all day every day.
"You told me I'd always be able to find you."
"Was it really that serious, Mr. Stone? Because I know I remember you telling me to mind my own business and leave you alone." I shut my eyes, sighing. She was still mad at what I had said to her.
"And because of that, you're gonna stop doing your job? Aren't you supposed to give me things when I ask for them? I'm the guest here. I want to do something today." I heard her huff angrily.
"The island adventure center is located on the third floor. Whether you want to explore by air, land, or sea, we have something for everyone," she said, like she was reading it off a prompter.
"No. I know all that shit, you gave me the pamphlets. I want you to take me somewhere."
"Tell me what time you will be ready to leave, sir. One of our hotel drivers will take you anywhere on Lanai."
"You, Abby. I want you to take me."
"This hotel is nearly at capacity; you are not the only guest. I can't leave work to take you into the city — especially when there are drivers whose job it is to do exactly that."
"Whoa. Guess all those five-star ratings raving about the se
rvice in this place were bullshit. The staff is cold, and the girl at the front desk doesn't give a fuck," I said.
I heard her sigh. She was getting frustrated. All she had to do was cut the crap and just take me where I wanted to go. If she wanted to fight, then we could do it there.
"Mr. Stone, I really- Please hold for a moment,” she said.
The sound became muffled, and I heard her talking to someone else. It was a man’s voice. I couldn’t really make out a lot of the words, but I heard the important ones. Something about it was her job to make sure I was happy — exactly what I had told her. She came back on the line.
“Since you’ve made a special request, we can accommodate you today,” she said stiffly.
“What? Are you going to get in trouble if you don’t take me?” I asked, smirking.
“Please come to the front desk when you are ready. All the arrangements will have been made. Thank you,” she said, ignoring me. She hung up.
I smiled. Ha. Got her.
I grabbed my wallet and phone and left my suite for the lobby. When I got there, she was standing, talking to her friend. Her back was to me. Her friend saw me first and seemed to tell her because she turned to look at me. They waited till I was right at the desk.
"Good afternoon, Mr. Stone," her friend said, smiling. "You and Abby can leave as soon as you're ready," she said. I could feel Abby shooting daggers at me from beside her. She was so mad.
"I'm ready now; let's go." Abby said goodbye to her friend and came around the desk. I wondered how much her friend knew. They always seemed to be together; what had Abby told her, if anything?
"Come this way," Abby said, walking towards the exit. Her voice was strained, like being polite to me was the last thing she wanted to do.
I'd never had someone so upset about spending time with me. She wasn't even going to suck it up and pretend. She was letting me have it. A lot of people tended to kiss my ass because they were scared of me. I liked that she wasn't. I'd have been upset about it if it wasn't so cute.
"Was there something important behind that desk you had to do today?" I asked.