by Cali MacKay
“Anything I can do to help?” She wandered over to the counter when he started pulling out ingredients.
“Not a thing, though I hope ye’re hungry. We’re starting with a cheese soufflé.” He cranked the oven to a temperature that could handle both the soufflés and the potatoes, quickly mixed the spuds with some olive oil, garlic and rosemary, and then tossed them in the oven.
“Soufflé? Is that all?” She gave her head a shake and her smile widened. “You’re always full of surprises.”
“I like to keep ye guessing.” Angus whipped the egg whites and added the cheese, checked the temperature of the oven and put them in to bake.
“So what else is on the menu?” She slipped her arms around his waist from behind, leaning her head against his back, making it hard to concentrate on the matter at hand.
“Dinner will be a filet of beef with whisky butter, served with caramelized onions and roasted fingerling potatoes. As for dessert, I can whip us up an apple and pear crisp with toasted hazelnuts and dried cranberries, topped with a bit of vanilla ice cream.”
“You spoil me, Angus.” Her hands wandered, leaving him ready to chuck dinner and carry her off to bed.
“It’s no more than ye deserve.” He leaned over his shoulder and gave her a quick kiss, while basting the steak with butter. The tension he’d felt between them at the studio seemed a distant memory, making him a happy man.
“My mom would always take me apple picking in the fall. We’d bring home bags of apples and then spend the next week trying to find new ways of using them up. Crisp was always one of my favorites.” She let out a long sigh. “Even though it was just the two of us, we did have each other and we made the best of it. I miss her, Angus. A lot.”
“Och, love.” The sadness and longing in her voice tore at his soul and heart. She had no family left, save for a father she didn’t know-and who in all likelihood didn’t know about her. He thought about how he was trying to hold her back, but the truth was that he was basing his fears on decades old speculations. “I can’t imagine how hard this has been on ye.”
She shrugged, as if trying to shake off her sadness. “It’s fine.”
Except that it wasn’t. The need to ease her pain was overwhelming. He had to do right by her, but he was damned if he knew how.
Needing to comfort her and ease his guilt, he pulled her close, and with an arm around her waist, kissed her slow and sweet. Then doing his best to clear his mind, lest she pick up on his unease, he gave her one more kiss, and then turned back to his cooking. “If ye’d like to have a seat in the dining room, I’ll get the soufflés.”
Angus did his best to keep conversation light during dinner. He didn’t want to think of her father or the threat. Didn’t want her to think of how her mother was gone. He just wanted them to enjoy their time together. Yet, part way through dinner, she sat there not really looking at him, their conversion rather one-sided, and her appetite-despite the food being delicious, if he might say so himself-diminished.
“We could go sit by the fire if you’re not hungry.” He found himself now playing with his own food, his appetite ruined.
“I’m sorry, Angus. This is why I’m no good with relationships.” She reached out and gave his hand a squeeze. “I’m afraid I’ve ruined your delicious dinner with my sour mood.”
“Forget about dinner. It doesn’t matter. Come.” Angus took her hand and led her to the living room, settling her on the sofa while he got a fire going.
His mind raced over his options yet again while he sparked the kindling aflame and poked at it. It was becoming clear he wouldn’t be able to keep things from her for much longer. He needed answers and information, but had nothing new to go on.
With the fire going, he sat by her side and pulled her close, wrapping his arm around her shoulder so she snuggled against his side. “Things will get better, love.” He’d make damn sure of it.
“What if you’re wrong? I’m no closer to finding my father, and you’ve seen how the people in town look at us. They’re not happy with the company you’re keeping, and things don’t seem to be dying down.”
“Listen, love. I don’t give a rat’s arse what people think.” He reached over and took her hand, needing her to know she wasn’t alone in this. He could easily see her packing her bags and heading back to the States-and she probably would have already if it weren’t for finding her father. “I know this has been hard for ye, love, but ye can’t let other’s dictate yer life-nor can ye base yer happiness on another.”
“I know that, Angus, but-”
“But nothing. Ye bought that gallery and came here to start a new life, so do that.” Frustration and guilt had him dropping his head in his hands. Didn’t she see that she belonged in Dunmuir, belonged with him? Why couldn’t she just be happy? “Ye’ll be fine with or without yer father. Do ye hear me? Ye can’t let him be the be-all and end-all to yer happiness.”
She shook her head and glared at him, hurt in her eyes. “How can you say that when you know what it’s doing to me?”
“Live yer life, Rowan, and stop hitting the pause button.” He’d have to tell her. Little by little these lies were killing what they had between them. “I just want to see ye happy.”
“And finding my father will do that. Why does it feel like you don’t want me to find him? I’m not imaging it, am I? You had been supportive, Angus. But lately? I don’t get what’s happened.” She shook her head and looked away. “Is this some weird way of trying to push me away? Is it because I’ve all but moved in and now you’re getting panicky? If you think this is all a mistake and would rather go back to just being friends, then just say so. It’d be a hell of a lot nicer than picking fights with me over my father.”
Of course the poor girl was confused about what was happening between them, grasping at straws, because she only had a small portion of the facts. It only made sense that she’d think it had to do with their relationship.
“Och, love… it’s not that. And I’m sorry, aye?” How the hell had he made such a mess of things? He tilted her chin up to make sure she could see that he meant the words he spoke. “Ye mean the world to me, love. More than anyone. Don’t ye see that?”
“I do, but then… I don’t know. Things have felt a bit… odd between us. Strained. You’re all I have here, Angus, but I need you to be honest with me if this isn’t what you want.”
“Listen to me, love. Ye’ve made me happier than I’ve been in a very long time, and to be honest, I’ve ne’er felt more whole than when I’m with ye. But I need ye to trust me. I need ye to know that I only want what’s best for ye.” He reached out and took her hand, pulling her close, his head spinning and his gut in knots. “Rowan… I love ye. And I know ye’re not there yet, but I need ye to know how I feel. I need ye not to doubt what’s between us.”
He knew better than to expect her to reciprocate his feelings, and that was fine-he could wait, even if it felt like his chest was being squeezed in a vice. As long as she knew how he felt and that no matter what he did, he had her best interest at heart.
“Then help me find my father. If you want what’s best for me, help me.” She cupped his cheek and kissed him, but he was drowning in guilt. “Promise me. I need to know I have your support when it comes it to finding him.”
“Rowan…” He inwardly cursed, desperately wanting to lie to her and finding that he couldn’t.
Her cheeks flushed red and her mouth fell open as her breath caught. “Am I missing something, Angus?”
“No.” He groaned. “Maybe. Och, Rowan… I need ye to trust me, love.”
She pulled away. “I do trust you-which is why this is catching me off guard. What do you mean by maybe?”
He reached out to take her hand, but she pulled away. It felt like he was on a cliff and the ground was crumbling under his feet. By the gods, he was losing her, and he knew the longer he took to answer her, the angrier she’d be. He just had to hold onto the reason he was doing this. “I want ye to
stop looking for him.”
Her hands clenched into tight fists, her jaw tight. “Just like that-because you said so? Or are you going to tell me why? And don’t give me that whole live your life crap.”
There was no avoiding it. He’d have to tell her.
Relief washed over him with his decision made. “Aye, love. I’ll tell ye everything, but I need ye to know that I’ve only ever had yer best interest at heart.”
“Just tell me what the hell is going on, Angus.” She spoke through gritted teeth as her gaze bore a hole through him. He swore he’d never seen anyone look so angry.
“It’s about yer mother. I don’t have many details, which is why I didn’t want to say anything, but I think something or someone had her frightened and it was the reason she left Scotland. Before going, she refused to tell my mother and Gordon Stuart-Conall’s da-who yer father was, but they both said she was scared, and she made them promise to not go looking into the matter.”
Her eyebrows perked, and he knew he was in trouble. “Wait. What do you mean Conall’s da? Did you go and see him? Without me?”
“Aye, love.” He was doomed. It felt like his heart was being wrenched from his chest. There was nothing for it, though. He’d have to come clean now that he’d started. “I needed to know if ye were putting yerself in harm’s way by searching for yer father.”
Her face was scarlet and her jaw was clenched so tight, he was surprised she managed to get the words out. “That was not your decision to make, Angus.”
“Aye, ye’re right. But it was the only way to keep ye safe. Ye’d go looking for him even if it put ye at risk. And though ye may be fine with putting yerself in harm’s way, it’s not fine with me.”
“Not. Your. Decision.” With her hands clenched into tight fists, and the anger pouring off her in waves, he half expected her to hit him-repeatedly. And he’d deserve it.
“There’s more.” Dread had it so he could barely breathe. “When we went to visit Imogen, I had a feeling she wasn’t being honest. Thinking she might have information on yer father, I paid her a visit.”
She swayed. “What did you do, Angus?”
He squeezed his eyes shut for a long moment to center himself. “I asked her why she was lying to us. She still didn’t say, but I now know without a doubt that I was right, and she knows more than what she’s telling us.”
She shook her head. “How could you, Angus? Not only did you do all this behind my back, but to not say anything?” Her eyes shimmered in the firelight as she blinked back tears. “What else have you been keeping from me? What else have you been lying about?”
He wanted to pull her in his arms, to comfort her, yet he couldn’t when he was the source of her pain. “I asked Conall to look into Imogen and her background. Her family. She’s hiding something. I just don’t know what.”
She blinked, and her tears spilled over. “I’ve got to go.”
“Wait, love.” He grabbed her hand before she had a chance to stand. “There’s more.”
“I can’t. I can’t take anymore and frankly, I don’t care.” She stood and he stood with her, but he didn’t release her hand, even as she struggled to get free. “Let go of me, Angus.”
He had to make her listen-and then maybe she wouldn’t go. “It’s yer father, love. I don’t think he knew that yer mother was pregnant.”
Chapter Fifteen
Rowan couldn’t breathe. Her world was spinning out of control, spinning out from under her. She was furious with Angus, but the last words he’d spoken… She felt like the wind had been knocked out of her, leaving her numb and confused. He pulled her into his arms and sat them back onto the sofa-and she let him. Damn it.
“He doesn’t know?” She was helpless to keep her tears from spilling over. Her entire life, she’d felt slighted and unworthy of her father’s love and attention, as if she hadn’t been good enough for him to bother with. No matter how hard she tried to stay positive, there was always a small part of her that felt incomplete and unwanted.
“I don’t know if that’s still the case, but my understanding is that yer mother never told him about ye, and she left soon after. He may still not know, love. But my concern is why yer ma never told ye his name and never told him about ye.” Angus took her hands in his, his gaze kind yet intense. “She was frightened love-and if it’s because someone didn’t want yer father to know ye exist, then the threat might still be there.”
Rowan’s mind raced and her stomach churned as if she might be sick. It was all too much. She couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t think. “I need to go. I can’t stay here.”
When she stood, he stood with her. “Ye can’t, love. It’s not safe.”
“Thank you for making yet another decision for me. Because I’m obviously not capable of a single thought without your help.” Her entire body was shaking, too angry to even shed tears. She was ready to murder him. “How long have you known?”
He let out a ragged breath. “A few weeks-or more.”
She shook her head and headed for the door, unable to even look at him, her stomach churning from the heartache.
“Rowan, please.” He grabbed her arm, but she yanked it out of his grip and spun on him.
“Don’t. Don’t even speak to me, Angus.” Her things, her bag. She didn’t care. As long as she had keys, she could come for the rest later. She just needed to go. Needed fresh air. And needed to get away from him.
He stepped in her path, blocking her way. “Damn it, Rowan. Don’t ye get that it could be dangerous? Yer mother didn’t tell ye about yer father for a reason. Stop and think. Please, love. From what I’ve been told, yer father’s a good man, but if he didn’t know she was pregnant, then who had her so scared? What if they’re the ones behind the threatening note?”
“You don’t get it, do you? I’m not going to stop looking for him, Angus-especially if he doesn’t know I exist. And I get that you’re only trying to protect me, but you crossed the line when you started looking into this on your own and didn’t tell me.” She squeezed her eyes shut to keep the tears from falling. How did it all go so wrong-yet again? She felt hollow. As if her soul had been torn from her and she was nothing but an empty shell. “I trusted you, Angus. And you kept this from me-even though you knew how important it was to me.”
“Och, love. I’m sorry. I only did what I thought was best.”
“I know.” She shook her head and looked away, her heart breaking. “But it’s still over. I can’t be with someone I can’t trust. And I don’t trust you, Angus. I don’t know if I ever will.”
***
When the incessant pounding on her cottage door refused to stop, Rowan dragged herself out of bed, her head spinning from lack of sleep and her eyes swollen from the tears she’d shed. If it was Angus, she’d murder him. Plain and simple.
“Lovely.” She groaned and let Conall in. “It’s a bit early for visiting, no?”
“Maybe if ye were still in Vermont, what with the time difference, but around here, lunch has come and gone, my dear.” He wandered into her sitting room and took a seat.
“What are you doing here, Conall?” Couldn’t he see that she didn’t want company? She’d yet to sit, but when he motioned to the empty seat with a tilt of his head, she tossed herself in it.
“I’m here to take ye to my father. Angus called and said ye should speak to him.” Conall tilted his head as he looked at her, his lips pursed. “Have to say, as smitten as Angus is with ye, I hadn’t expected him to screw up this early on. The boy has a talent for that sort of thing.”
She crossed her arms in front of her chest. “I’m not talking to you about my relationship. And what? You now do Angus’s bidding. Can’t say I expected that one.”
Conall shrugged, not rising to her bait. “He promised to train that crazy mutt of mine in exchange. Now get showered and dressed. My father’s waiting.”
She took in a deep breath and let it out slowly while getting to her feet. “Are all Scottish men this bossy or is
it something in the water of Dunmuir?”
Not waiting for a response, Rowan made her escape. She quickly showered and got dressed, taking the time to towel off her hair well before twisting it up and out of the way. Though she was still annoyed that Angus was interfering-obviously the man couldn’t help himself-she was glad for the opportunity to speak to Conall’s father. She didn’t have many connections to her mother and her past, and now that things were over with Angus, she didn’t know how any of the locals would feel about her.
Her heart ached to think of Angus, but along with the pain came her anger and hurt. Of all the people she thought she could trust… of all the people she didn’t think would break her heart.
With her eyes burning, she took a deep breath and another, pushing her emotions back. She already looked a wreck with her eyes puffy and red, and didn’t want to make matters worse by shedding fresh tears. With shaky hands, she swiped some gloss across her lips, took a moment more to settle herself, and then headed downstairs to where Conall was waiting.
“Ready. Are you driving or should I?” She tossed on her jacket to keep the chill at bay.
“I like my life, thank ye very much. Seeing as ye haven’t been driving on our roads long and yer eyes are all but swollen shut from crying, I think it best if I drive.”
She shook her head and ground her teeth. “You really know how to make a girl feel special.”
“I do try.” He pulled the door open with a smile. “After you.”
It was a short drive down along the coast to a good-sized traditional cottage. Wrapped around the house were the bones of what would be a pretty garden come spring, the sea and sky acting as an ever-changing backdrop.
She stopped Conall with a hand on his arm. “Are you sure about this? I can’t imagine your father wants to go digging up his past.”
“I called first, and truth is, he’d like to see ye.” Conall started to move towards the house, but Rowan stopped him again.