Chasing Him

by Kennedy Fox

  “Morning, beautiful,” John whispers in my ear when I crawl on top of him and rest my body on his chest. I feel his hand on my head, brushing his fingers through my hair. “Sleep okay?”

  “Shut up,” I say with a teasing groan.

  His body shakes underneath me as he chuckles. “Is that a no on breakfast too?”

  Holding him tighter, I inhale and sigh. “You always smell so good. Have I ever told you that?”

  John rolls us over so we’re side by side. He brushes the hair out of my face and places his fingers under my chin, tilting my head up to look at him. “I thought I caught you smelling me a few times.” He flashes a cocky grin.

  “When you weren’t home, I’d lie in your bed and smell your pillows.”

  “How weird. I did the same thing to your pillows when you weren’t around.”

  “You’re such a smartass.” I laugh but then stick out my lower lip and pout. “I hate this.”

  “I know, baby.” He brings our lips together in a soft kiss. “We’re gonna figure it out, okay? I promise.”

  The next hour goes by too fast. We both change, and I pack up the last of my things after getting ready. Kat already texted me saying they’d be here in five minutes. I start panicking because it doesn’t feel like there were enough hours in a day to tell John everything I wanted to say.

  “You don’t have to say anything, sweetheart,” he tells me when he sees I’m struggling to speak. “I already know what’s in your heart, and I hope you know what’s in mine. My feelings for you will never, ever change, so don’t you worry about that. I’ll be here, waiting, for as long as you need.”

  Just then, I hear a car pulling up, and I know it’s my ride. My eyes are burning, and I’m surprised I have any more tears left. “I love you,” I tell him.

  “I love you, Mila. Thank you.”

  I furrow my brows and release a choked laugh. “For what?”

  He holds my face in his hands and kisses me again. “For everything.”

  Chapter Thirty

  JOHN

  “Oh my God! Maize!” I shout, racing from the hallway to the living room and tripping over a pair of shoes and stubbing my toe against the side table. “Ow, shit—er—crap!”

  I hop on one foot as I maneuver to where Maize’s speed crawling from one side of the room to the other.

  “Look at you!” I smile, watching how fast her little legs are moving. She’d been doing some weird army crawl the past couple of weeks, but now she’s on a full mission to get from point A to point B in record speed. “Daddy’s gonna have to really start baby proofing now.”

  She looks up at me and giggles. Maize crawls over to me, and I pick her up, smooching her on the cheek. “You’re getting too big, baby girl.” I can’t believe she’s nine months old already.

  And I can’t believe Mila wasn’t here to see this.

  The thought saddens me, and I’ve seen the way it’s affected Maize since Mila’s been gone. It’s been a month since she left, and it still doesn’t feel real. We FaceTimed a lot at first, so Maize could hear Mila’s voice and see her, but then the daily calls became every other day and then every few days as Mila’s workload kept her busy. I hate the thought of how we’ve drifted apart already, but I’m also so proud of her.

  Right after Mila flew back to Georgia, she signed all her paperwork and started getting her classroom ready. She gave me a tour once she finished and seeing the way her face lit up with excitement told me we did the right thing.

  Even though it hurt like a motherfucker.

  I set Maize back down on the floor and reach for my phone in my back pocket.

  John: You’ll never guess what Maize just did?

  I see it’s after five, so I know I won’t be bothering her in the middle of teaching.

  Mila: What?!

  * * *

  John: She just crawled across the living room floor like a speed demon! I’m gonna have to get some baby gates now.

  * * *

  Mila: Oh my God, no way!! Yeah, you’ll definitely need to get some gates, so she stays out of the kitchen and bathroom. Next up, she’ll be walking and really getting into everything.

  * * *

  John: Can you FaceTime while Maize’s awake so you can see?

  * * *

  Mila: I wish I could! :( I have a dinner meeting with one of the other new teachers in five minutes.

  * * *

  John: Oh okay. Maybe tomorrow then.

  * * *

  Mila: I’ll text you later. Love you!

  * * *

  John: Love you too, baby.

  Slipping my phone back into my pocket, I can’t help feeling a wave of sadness creep up as the realization of how short our conversations have been getting hits me. I know she’s busy and doing exactly what I told her to do, but I miss her like crazy every single day. Her room being bare was taunting me, so I started converting it into a room for Maize. I took the bed out and painted the walls a rosy pink color and then put her crib and dresser in it along with all her other stuff. It looks pretty good, considering I did it myself, but ironically, I miss seeing Mila’s Packers posters on the wall.

  Now that Mrs. Pearson, a woman from church, is watching Maize while I’m at work, I don’t stop in as often. I still like popping in to give Maize kisses but the urge to every few hours vanished when Mila left. However, I’m grateful Mrs. Pearson takes Maize out for walks and will occasionally stop in at the B&B to visit.

  Maize’s the only reason I’m holding it together as it is. “It’ll get easier,” Mama told me the other day when she noticed my sour mood.

  “I don’t want it to get easier. That means the hope for us to work will cease to exist,” I replied, wondering if that’s exactly what will eventually happen. I knew her leaving wouldn’t be easy, but it’s been so much harder than I anticipated.

  “Alright, Maze. Let’s go to Grandma’s,” I tell her after making sure her diaper bag is packed. “Hopefully, she has some food.” I chuckle, though it’s a sad plea for help. Mila always made us dinner when it wasn’t even required, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t used to it. I loved our meals together even when we’d just eat in silence. It felt real to me even in those early days she was here.

  Once Maize’s in her car seat, I jump in the truck and drive the few minutes to my parents’ house. I see Jackson’s truck is here, which probably means Alex is as well.

  I take her and walk us inside and immediately hear rowdy laughter. Walking through the kitchen, I find Mama with Emily, Elizabeth, River, and Riley. They immediately grab Maize out of my hands and direct me to the living room where Dad, Jackson, Alex, and Evan are talking loudly and laughing at something.

  “What the hell? My invitation get lost in the mail or something?” I stand with my hands on my hips, pretending I’m butt hurt about being left out of whatever the hell this is.

  “I texted you an hour ago, what are you talkin’ about?” Jackson asks.

  I furrow my brows, knowing I damn well didn’t get one from him. “Okay, whatever. What are y’all doing anyway?”

  “Celebrating Dad’s birthday,” Evan tells me with a popped eyebrow.

  “Wait, what? It’s not the—” I pause, realizing it’s August 15th. “Oh shit.” I brush a hand through my hair and feel terrible that I forgot. “I’m sorry, Dad. I’ve—”

  Dad steps up in front of me and places his hands on my shoulders. “I know, son. Don’t worry about it.” He winks with a grin. “If it wasn’t for your mother who insisted on this whole charade, I would’ve been happy to skip it.”

  “But then I wouldn’t have had an excuse to get all my boys and grandbabies here,” Mama interrupts, walking in with Maize on one hip and Riley on the other. “Dinner is ready.”

  “Wait,” I say, walking over and grabbing Maize out of her grip. “We have something to show y’all.” I smile as I put Maize on the floor and encourage her to come to me when I walk to the other side of the room. She giggles and gladly craw
ls to me, and when I look up, everyone is smiling and cheering for her. I can’t help but smile, too, but not for the same reason. The fact that I have my entire family here, giving so much love and praise to my baby girl, has me feeling so damn proud. I may not be able to give Maize a glamorous lifestyle, but I can certainly make sure she’s surrounded by all the love imaginable.

  “Oh my goodness!” Mama beams as I pick Maize up and stand. “When did this happen?”

  “Just tonight,” I reply.

  “Soon, she’ll be walking,” River says with a wide smile. “Gonna have your hands really full then.”

  “They’re full enough.” I groan. “I had to adjust her mattress already to go as low as possible so she stops trying to climb out.”

  “Just wait till she can,” Alex adds, slapping a hand on my shoulder. “Then she’ll suddenly become a ninja, trying to escape in the middle of the night.”

  “Okay stop, you’re scaring him.” Mama comes to my defense even though she’s laughing at my expense, too.

  “Y’all suck,” I tease.

  I place Maize in one of the high chairs and sit next to her while everyone finds their seats. Just as Mama announces to hold hands for grace, the front door swings open.

  “Knock, knock,” Kiera’s voice echoes into the living room, and as soon as she comes into view with Trent attached to her hand, Jackson releases a displeased groan. “Happy Birthday, Mr. B!” She comes behind Dad’s chair and wraps her arms around him. “What are you now? Thirty?”

  “You know it.” He winks, patting her hand that’s resting on his shoulder.

  “For the twentieth year in a row!” Alex blurts out, and everyone laughs.

  “Don’t listen to them,” Kiera comforts him. “It’s not about the number; it’s how young you feel anyway.” She flashes him a wink and gives him a kiss on the cheek.

  “Stay for dinner,” Mama insists, and with Jackson sitting next to me, I see his back straighten as he tenses. He hates Trent for the sole reason he’s with Kiera.

  “Oh no, I couldn’t intrude. I just wanted to stop in quick and drop off Mr. B’s birthday card.” She sets it down in front of him and encourages him to open it.

  After Dad rips it open, he holds up a handful of scratch-offs. “Now, if any of those are big money winners, I expect half,” Kiera teases.

  “You got it, sweetie.”

  The fact that Dad loves Kiera like a daughter irritates Jackson even more. She’s more a Bishop than any other girl in our family, and it’s been that way for years.

  “Okay, well I’ll let y’all get back to dinner.” She starts to walk away then pauses. “Oh, John.” She looks at me. “Tell Mila to call me when she gets a chance!”

  My face hardens at the mention of her name and my jaw clenches with frustration. “Sure.”

  “Okay, thanks!” She waves at everyone before leading Trent out the door.

  Once Mama says grace, we all start diving in. I put small peas and carrots on Maize’s plate and watching her attempt to put them on her tiny spoon makes everyone laugh. Jackson loudly scratches his chair against the floor as he stands up and walks toward the kitchen. The room goes silent as we all watch and wait until he returns with a bottle of whiskey.

  “What are you doing with that?” Mama asks in a stern tone.

  “I’m gonna pour me a glass or two,” Jackson states without looking up. “Want one?”

  “No.”

  The room goes eerily quiet as we continue eating, knowing damn well why Jackson’s drinking. He hands the bottle over to Dad when he motions for it, and soon it’s being passed around like a Christmas ham.

  “If I wasn’t still breastfeeding, I’d be all over that,” Emily says with a groan. “Or wine. Oh man, how I miss wine.”

  A round of chuckles echoes, and when she passes the bottle to River, she shakes her head.

  “How about you, John?” Emily asks, arching a brow as if she knows I could use a drink.

  “No thanks,” I say.

  “Why? You breastfeeding too?” Jackson snorts, laughing.

  My shoulders relax, and I give in. “Don’t make me take you behind the barn and kick your butt like I used to,” I threaten, pouring myself a small glass.

  “Oh please,” Jackson says. “I could kick your a—er—butt with one arm behind my back.”

  Alex and Evan start laughing, knowing when it comes to the two of us, we equally kick each other’s asses and usually both end up with black eyes and bruised egos.

  “So how’s Mila doing anyway?” Jackson asks, and everyone’s heads pop up as if it’s a taboo subject no one else wanted to bring up. “She miss me yet?” he taunts.

  “Shut up,” I growl.

  “Oh, come on. I’m just messin’ with you. It’s not like I’d send her away if she came crawling back like Bailey.”

  The room goes so silent, the only noise being heard is Jackson’s loud ass chewing.

  “What did you just say?” I ask. Why the hell is he bringing Bailey up now?

  “Nothin’. Forget it.” He shakes his head, keeping his eyes low.

  “No…” I scoot my chair back and push his away from the table, forcing him to face me. “What do you mean you sent Bailey away?”

  “It’s nothin’. I don’t know.” Jackson tries to deflect by turning back toward the table, but I’m quick to grab his arm and pull him up as I stand.

  “Are you saying Bailey came to the house and you sent her away? Without telling me?”

  Jackson starts walking toward the kitchen, probably to find more liquor, but I follow him not allowing him to get out of this conversation.

  I can hear Dad chatting in the living room quietly as the rest of them listen. It’s no secret Jackson and I have our differences, but this isn’t something I’m willing to let go.

  “Jackson!” I shout, pulling him back when he reaches the cabinet. “Is that what happened?”

  “Fine! You wanna know?” He wipes his forehead with the back of his hand. “Bailey showed up a few months after y’all stopped seeing each other. You weren’t home, and I was nursing a hangover. You spent the past several weeks pining over her, wondering why she stopped taking your calls, and I thought I was doin’ you a favor by telling her you moved on and she shouldn’t come back again. Figured she’d then realize what a great thing she let get away and you’d get over her without getting hurt again.”

  I’ve never felt this kind of rage before in my entire life. Everything inside me tightens, and all I see is red.

  The moment my fist slams into his nose, he nearly falls to the ground. He’s quick to recover as he holds his face in his hands, mutter a slew of curse words.

  “How could you keep that from me? You’re supposed to be my brother! She was pregnant then! What the fuck is wrong with you?” As he stands up, I push him over and over until his back hits the other wall. “I should rip you to shreds, asshole.”

  “John.” Alex and Evan are pulling me back before I even realize they’re in here.

  “No amount of kicking his ass will bring Bailey back,” Evan tells me in a calming voice. I blink and look up at him, knowing he’s been in a similar situation with a girl he lost before. “He’s been drinking all afternoon. Just walk away.”

  I shrug their hands off me and head out toward the door, letting it slam against the wood. Instead of driving away, I take a walk.

  My head is filled with so much shit, I can’t sort it out. Too many what-ifs, too many missed opportunities.

  I can’t fucking believe this.

  I walk until I end up at the horse stables and decide to take Shadow out for a ride. The only way to clear my head is to get out of it.

  But the memories of Bailey and Mila both taunt me and regret surfaces as I think back to all the times I reached out to Bailey, and how she chose that specific day to come back, and I wasn’t even home. Of course, Jackson was hungover—when isn’t he? But I don’t know how I can let this go. Knowing I could’ve been there for her and Maize f
rom the start.

  Fuck, what a goddamn mess.

  I ride for over an hour and don’t slow down until the sun sets. I don’t even know what to think anymore. I feel so much anger and wish I had Mila to ground me, something she was always good at doing. And I hate that I feel like I’m losing her now too.

  Finding a spot to tie Shadow’s reins, I get off and sit on the grass. Lying back, I rest my arms behind my head and look up at the stars that are painted above.

  “Thought I’d find you here.” Evan’s voice scares the shit out of me. He ties up his horse before coming next to me and lies beside me.

  “Just needed to find some clarity,” I admit.

  “Yeah, I understand that,” he says. “After Alicia’s death, I thought I was losing it. I saw her face everywhere afterward, and it really fucked with my head. I kept thinking what if I hadn’t been late for work that morning and stopped for coffee like I always did. What if I had finally taken five minutes to ask her out and make plans with her, would she still be alive? Would I had been able to stall her just long enough for her not to get into a car accident and die? I tortured myself for months.”

  I turn and look at him. Evan and I have always been close, but I never knew this about him. “That sounds horrible, man. I’m sorry you had to go through that alone. Wish I paid more attention to how it affected you.”

  “It’s okay. I didn’t let anyone know, or rather, I didn’t know how to let anyone know what I was feeling or going through. It was pretty painful.”

  “So how’d you work through it? I mean, you didn’t meet Emily till years later. What helped you move on?”