by Lisa Shelby
Wow, it’s cold out here in this August sun. I must have been an even bigger asshole than I remember last Saturday. She isn’t being all warm and fuzzy, but she’s talking to me. I’ll take what I can get.
“Em, I just wanted to say that I am really sorry for being such a colossal jerk last Saturday night. I was shocked to see you and I had just had a couple of drinks and wasn’t really myself in that moment. So, I just wanted to say I was sorry.”
She takes a moment to think of her next words.
“Jonathan, I’m sure I probably deserve much worse than what happened Saturday night after the way I left things back in San Clemente. So, your apology is more than accepted.”
I feel the breath I was holding rush from my chest.
Oh thank you baby Jesus! She forgives you. Now ask her out or something you ass-hat!
“So, I was thinking that maybe we could meet for coffee or something. Not a date or anything. Just to catch up?”
Please say yes! Please say yes! I silently pray to whatever God will hear my plea.
“I don’t think that’s such a good idea, but thank you for the offer.”
Shit!
Fucking Alex!
“Are you with somebody?”
Please say no! Please say no! I once again beg the Gods above.
“No.”
Oh, thank God and everything that is holy! I feel like with that one-word answer, the course of my life has just changed and there is a light at the end of this long and treacherous tunnel. I know she didn’t say she still loved me or wanted to run off and have my babies, but it’s one less hurdle to get over. I don’t think I realized until this very moment how much I still loved her. I feel like my heart just started beating again for the first time in five years. I can’t get her to go to coffee with me but my heart is beating again and that’s a start! I feel energized and ready to do everything in my power to get her to change her mind and say yes to having coffee with me. Wait! If there isn’t anybody else, then who the hell is Alex?
“Who’s Alex, then? I just assumed he was your boyfriend.”
“Alex?”
“The other night . . . didn’t you say that he came down to California and rode back with you and Cami?”
With a little giggle she says, “Jonathan, Alex is a girl. She’s been friends with Cami and I since Jr. High. I can’t believe I never told you about her. She’s our other BFF. I just assumed you knew her. She just left with Cami.”
Oh, thank Fuck!
“If there isn’t somebody else then why can’t two old friends meet for coffee and catch up?”
She’s silent and staring down at the car keys in her hands.
“Emily?”
Still nothing. Shit, did I say something? This is not going well.
I take my forefinger and put it under her chin and slowly lift her beautiful blue eyes up to meet mine while I search her face for any clue that will tell me what is going through her head. “Emily, meet me for coffee. You pick the place and the time and I’ll be there.”
I remove my finger that is holding her chin up and instantly feel the loss of our connection. She looks at me with sad eyes, for what seems like forever, and then quietly she exhales. “Okay.”
“Okay?”
Don’t let her change her mind moron!
“Okay, it’s settled then. I know it’s August and a little warm for coffee but I guess we can get iced coffee if you want or a smoothie or something else. Whatever you want is fine by me.”
Shut up! You’re rambling! Just breathe, you idiot.
A small smile sneaks across those delicious lips of hers. At least I amuse her, it’s better than nothing.
“Iced coffee is fine, Jonathan.”
“Sounds good, what works for you?”
“Do you know Elka Bee’s Coffee Haus, in Happy Valley?”
“I sure do.”
“Is Wednesday okay?”
NO! That’s not okay! That’s four days away! I scream inside my head.
“Wednesday is perfect.”
“Okay, I’ll see you then,” she says taking a step back to leave.
I don’t want her to leave yet so I go for it and say, “Here, let me give you my number and you can just tell me what time works for you as it gets closer. What’s your number and I’ll send you a text so you have mine.”
I break out into a cold sweat after I ask for her number. I mean really, what makes me think she’ll give it to me now? We spent a week together and professed our love to each other and she never gave me her number. At this point what do I have to lose? It’s worth a shot. I have to wipe my hands off on my shorts before I grab my phone out of my pocket. because my hands are so sweaty. I don’t want to look like a total ass and drop my phone in front of her. Might as well try to keep the level of humiliation to the lowest level possible while I wait for her to shoot me down.
As I stream all the wishful thinking I have into my thumbs, I pull up a new contact and type Gracie into the name field and then hover over the phone number box waiting. Right when I’m about to tell her that’s it’s okay and I understand, she starts giving me her number. I can feel myself shaking as I enter her digits into my phone. I hope to God she isn’t messing with me and this is really her number because I am going to write it on my fridge, write on paper and file it away. Hell, I may buy a little black book just to put her number in it. I am not losing this bit of gold.
I quickly send her a text to make sure she isn’t lying, and the relief I feel when I hear a ping from her bag is like a heavy weight being lifted from my chest. I watch as she pulls the phone from her bag and adds my number to her phone and then I hear my own ping. What I see on my phone brings the biggest smile to my face.
Gracie: Got it, Georgia.
I must look like a fool but I can’t help it. Just her three-word text has my heart practically pumping out of my chest. So, I send her another text but she starts to leave before she reads it.
“See you Wednesday, Jonathan.” She says as she walks the two steps back towards her car.
“See you Wednesday, Em.”
I make myself turn and walk back into the gym to get my stuff otherwise I know I’ll just stand and stare while she drives away. I don’t wanna scare her off.
I see Devon inside and he can tell just by looking at me that it went well. I’m too happy to talk about it so I just hold up my hand as I walk out the door. I jump in my truck and read her text:
Georgia: Thank you.
Gracie: You’re welcome, Georgia.
The use of her nickname for me is yet another glimmer of hope. I know it’s foolish, but it is hope I’ll feed off of to get me through the next four days until we meet for coffee.
I start my truck and take the first full breath that I’ve taken in five years.
Life to Live Again
Emily
You can do this Emily. It’s just two old friends having coffee and catching up. It’s not like you are going to have to go sit across from the love of your life whose heart you broke over five years ago and act like it’s not at all awkward. No, that would be too painful for even you. That’s why it’s just two old friends meeting for coffee. No. Big. Deal. So you tried on everything you own to go get coffee, who doesn’t? You can do this. You owe it to him to at least give him some of your time after the way you left things.
As luck would have it, the only parking spot is right in front of the little local coffee shop . . . and the little two-person table that Jonathan is already sitting at and . . . yep, he’s seen me and has his hand up in a wave. Guess it’s too late to put it in reverse and take off now that I have been spotted. I can’t even take a moment to catch my breath because he’s right there!
I. Can. Do. This. I tell myself.
As I get out of Justine, my trusty old Jetta—I must admit I named her after spending my week with Scarlett—I take the five steps it takes to get to Jonathan and I see he has a friend with him.
He gets up and awkwardly comes
in for a hug. I lean to the right and he leans to the left so we clank our heads together. We both reach our arms up to take the hug high and that goes wrong too. This is just too funny and I can’t help the giggle that bubbles out of me.
“Well, we’re off to a great start,” I say.
“Oh man, that was just terrible,” he chuckles.
“Let’s try again. I’m gonna go arms high and head to my right, got it?” I say with a smile on my face that I couldn’t stop if I tried.
“Got it. I go arms low and my head to the right too.”
Just to continue to lighten the awkward move I start to count and he joins in.
“1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . hug!”
As we embrace we both hold on a little longer than we should. So long we are swaying a bit to the rhythm of both of our hearts that are beating a little faster and louder than normal. He feels like home.
Jonathan pulls away and says, “Well, that went a bit smoother than our first try, thank goodness.”
“Yes, it did. But don’t be rude, Jonathan,” I say with my hands on my hips. I amuse myself while I watch the scared confusion that breaks out across his handsome face. “Introduce me to your friend here.”
I can see the relief fill his body when he exhales a large breath and says, “Ah, yes. How could I forget my sweet girl . . . Emily, this is Frances, or Frannie. Francis, this is Emily.”
“Oh, Jonathan, she is so sweet!”
I bend down so I can properly introduce myself and give Frances—the cutest little dog I have ever seen—a proper hello. A few scratches behind her ear and a few licks to my cheek and I tear myself away to tell Jonathan how adorable she is.
“Thanks. I rescued her about a year ago. I take her everywhere with me. Hope you don’t mind me bringing a third wheel?”
“Of course not, she’s awesome. What breed is she?”
“She’s a mutt, but I’m sure there’s a little shepherd and maybe even a little pit bull in there. Not 100% sure, but I love her just the way she is.” He says and even though his words are sweet and there’s a smile on his face he doesn’t have that same sparkle in his eye that he did years ago.
“Uh, I hope you don’t mind but I went ahead and ordered for you. One twenty-four ounce, iced, non-fat, white chocolate mocha, no whip and one of the best marion berry scones you will ever eat.”
Breathe Emily . . . just because he remembers exactly how you like your coffee and what your favorite flavor pastry is, it doesn’t mean anything. Keep breathing and say thank you.
“Thank you, Jonathan. It’s perfect.”
“No problem, I owed you for the other night. It doesn’t make us even or anything, but I just want to say one more time how sorry I am.”
I really don’t want to talk about or think about that right now so I divert the conversation to something a bit more lighthearted.
“So, Frances huh? Is she named after somebody?”
“Nope, it’s the name she had when I adopted her. She responded to it so well already that I just left it. Besides she an older girl so it fits.”
“We’ve got Frank at Mickey’s but he’s nowhere as cute as her. Oh man does he snore and fart. He’s a bulldog so there’s just no getting around it.”
“Oh, I’ve met Frank and you aren’t kidding. He certainly leaves an impression.” He chuckles.
“You have?” I ask surprised that he would know Mick that well.
“Yep, I’ve known your brother for four years now. I’m not sure why, but he brought Frank to a St. Paddy’s party one year and then I helped him move into his place and saw Frank again then. There’s been a BBQ or two as well. I can’t believe Mickey Jacobs is your brother. What are the odds of that?” he asks, as if he’s just as shocked as I am by the small world we find ourselves in.
I feel myself starting to get emotional at the fact that Jonathan has been so close to me all this time and I had no idea. I wonder if he knows?
“Life’s pretty crazy isn’t it?”
As always, he’s reading my mind.
“It is . . . So, how did you end up in Portland?”
He takes a big inhale and slowly lets out the breath and shares his story with me.
“Wow, okay this is hard. Um, while we were in Afghanistan, I lost my mom. Apparently she’d been sick when I had been back to visit her the week before I met you, but she didn’t tell me. She said she didn’t want me worried or to take my mind off my missions. I was so angry, Em. How could she have not told me? She was all I had and she knew she was dying and she didn’t let me be there for her.”
I can’t help but reach out and take his hand.
“I am so sorry for your loss, Jonathan. I know how much she meant to you, how much you loved her . . .” I say while holding back my unshed tears.
He squeezes my hand, then lets go to scrub his face with his hands and then runs them through his hair. I can tell he’s trying to collect himself before he goes on. It’s clear this is all still hard for him.
“They sent me home from the desert for a week to make arrangements and then I had to fly back after the funeral. I don’t know what I would have done without Liam and his family being there to help me figure it all out.”
“The Fanuas, right?”
“Wow, nice memory,” he says with a little smile before he grows somber again. “Yep, Mr. and Mrs. F pretty much did everything. They knew mom was sick, but she made them promise not to tell me. I know they feel horrible about it now, but it’s not their fault and I don’t blame them at all. So, anyway I finished my tour and then came back to Camp Pendleton for the last couple of months, as planned, and then I got out and went back to Savannah. It was too hard to be there. Without my mom there it just didn’t feel like home. I had the Fanuas and I had friends from high school, but being there just didn’t feel like home. I had been saving money for years to buy my mom her dream house and now she wasn’t there.”
“Oh, Jonathan,” I say because I don’t know what else to say.
“So, after being home a month Devon could tell when we talked that I wasn’t in a good place and he suggested I move out here. He offered me his spare room and I knew that Portland State had a really good Criminal Justice program so . . . I went for it. I didn’t stay in his spare room long. I had my savings, so I got an apartment close to school at first and then after I knew the city better and had my group of friends I ended up moving out here to Happy Valley. I built my dream house and something my mom would have loved. It just felt right. The house may be too big for me and Frances, but I feel like in some way I kept my promise to my mom even though she isn’t here to enjoy it.”
“She would be so proud of you, Jonathan.”
He looks a little embarrassed at my compliment and I can’t help but think how cute he is all embarrassed like this. It’s nice to see him blush for a change, instead of me.
“Thanks, but I think she’d be more proud that I got my degree. I had gone to two years of community college before joining the Corps and then two years at PSU while working the road with Portland PD. So, I’ve been with the department for four years. The first two were crazy with school and work, but I got through it.”
“I’m so happy for you, Georgia! Degree, check! Job, check! House, check! You are checkin’ off all those life goals! Good for you and you’re right. Your mom would be proud of you for getting your degree.”
My phone buzzes and I glance down. It’s a number I don’t recognize. I don’t answer it and let it go to voicemail.
“You can get that if you need to.”
“It’s an unknown number, so it’s okay. Probably just a misdial.”
“So, what’s it like to have Mickey Jacobs as your big brother?”
With that a light conversation starts and just like the old days we talk and talk and talk. I feel like I’m with the old Jonathan, minus a little bit of that light he had about him. I understand why that is now. I would love to have the magic wand that could change it all and add that light back to his b
eautiful, yet somber eyes of his. His light may be gone, but he’s still just as attractive as ever. He still has that natural tan about him, and his short dark hair is a little longer now that he isn’t sporting a military length. He’s still in great shape, if not a little bigger. More built. He is a fine specimen, no doubt.
After some time, Frances starts to pant and Jonathan picks up her water bowl and excuses himself to go get her some more water.
While he’s inside, I decide to check the voicemail of the unknown number and wish I hadn’t. A voice I haven’t heard in years fills my ears. Just as the message is ending, Jonathan is back and sitting across from me. He must be able to tell that the call has disturbed me because as soon as I put the phone down on the table he takes my hand in his.
“Em, you okay?”
The gentle touch of his hand is enough to calm me.
“It was my dad.” I can hear the shake in my voice as I continue, “I haven’t talked to him in years. He found out I moved back home and he wants to get together.”
“What do you want?”
“I don’t know, Jonathan. I just haven’t been able to forgive him yet. Not only did he make my entire childhood a lie, but he just quit being our dad once he had a new family. I know I am twenty-six now and not that pre-teen kid he left but it’s a little late for me,” I say with a shrug.
With those soul piercing hazel eyes of his, he makes sure he has my attention when he says, “Emily, you wait until you’re ready. I do think that one day you’ll probably need to see him and tell him how you feel and maybe let him explain, but do it when you’re ready and do it for yourself. One thing I’ve learned is that life is short, Em. You never know from one day to the next what might happen.”
“Jonathan, I heard about Matt . . . I am so sorry for your loss.” I blurt out as I grip on to his hand even tighter to let him know that if he wants to talk, I’m here.
“Thanks, Em. Let’s save that for another time though. Right now you and I are getting to know each other again and we’re talking about you and your dad.”
“You know what, can we not talk about my dad? I am sure you already know all about him. In fact, I’m sure you’ve met him if you hang around Kells.”