by Lisa Shelby
Ireland is still holding my hand as we chat about who brought what to eat, and Trisha and I confess that we really do love football and that we kinda wanna go watch.
“Mommy, if you go watch the game with Uncle Mickey can I too?”
“Only if you’re quiet, sweetie. And you have to let your uncle watch the game.”
“I pwomise, mommy.”
“Ok, go ahead and I’ll be right there.”
After a few more minutes, Trisha and I go to see if there’s anywhere to sit in the living room or if I need to grab a chair from the kitchen table. The first thing I see when I walk in to the living room is the love seat that is filled with Jonathan and Courtney Sandberg. They aren’t just sharing said ‘love seat’ but she is all up in his business sitting as close to him as she can without sitting on his lap. His arm is resting on the back of the chair behind her shoulders.
His eyes meet mine and he just looks at me and gives me a slight shake of the head as though he’s trying to tell me it’s not what it looks like.
I feel the burst of rage color my face as I try not to storm out of the room and pretend that I don’t care about what I’m seeing in front of me. That would be too easy though because this is exactly when Ireland sees Jonathan too. She walks up to him and leans on the arm of the love seat only inches away from him and says, “Hi, Jonafon.”
“Hi, Ireland. What have you been up to?”
“Mommy and I took Frank to the park.” She says for everybody to hear and then leans in his ear to whisper. She hasn’t quite figured out that she isn’t talking quiet enough because we can all hear her say, “He pooped in the grass and then Mommy had to use a bag to pick it up. It was so icky.”
This gets some chuckles from the room and a, “Way to go Frank! Thanks for doing it on your walk with Emmers and not me! Score one for big brother!” from Mickey.
I just make a smart ass little sister face at him and shake my head.
“It is kinda icky but I have to do the same thing when my dog, Frances poops.” Jonathan says sounding completely engaged in his conversation about dog poop with my little girl.
By now she has propped herself up on arm of the love seat and is practically sitting in Jonathan’s lap when she asks, “Oooohhh, you have a dog too? Her name is Frances?”
This has got to be annoying Jonathan and his date so I try to step in and save him.
“Baby girl, let’s leave Jonathan and his friend alone. Come on.”
Being the good girl she is she immediately starts to get down.
“Nah, she’s not bothering me. In fact, here I’ll show you a picture of Frances.”
With his offer of Frances pictures, Ireland climbs up in his lap and Courtney has to move away from him as his arm comes down to get his phone out of his back pocket to show pictures to Ireland. Courtney seems put out, but Jonathan doesn’t even give her a passing glance. He just focuses all his attention on Ireland.
I leave them to it and let him know that if she starts bothering him to send her to me. I calmly walk down the hallway and into the guest bathroom where I lock the door behind me.
I should be happy that he’s so good with her, but in some ways it breaks my heart and makes me have thoughts of what could have been. I also shouldn’t be so angry that he’s here . . . with that badge bunny, Courtney. I have no claim to him and he’s free to be with whoever he wants. But why her, and why bring her here today of all days? I’ve only been back a short time and I’ve already heard all about her from my brother. According to Mickey she just seems to be everywhere they are, and he would bet his brand new house that she’ll end up marrying some poor schlub from the department in the next year. I just hate that Jonathan would want to be with somebody like her. But I guess he’s a guy and they have needs that, from what I hear, she will take care of. I think seeing him with Ireland was almost harder on me than seeing him with that skank.
He seems to have gotten the same reaction from her that he did last night; one of familiarity and ease. She went to him and just climbed up in his lap and he let her get comfortable and lean back into his chest while he showed her pictures of his beloved dog. I mean how freaking amazing is that? Now, if only I was in Courtney’s seat, it would be the picture I had always dreamed about. But nope, here I am hiding in the damn bathroom.
Enough! I will not hide from him.
I open the door and head to the kitchen to make myself a drink. I can’t help but peek into the living room as I try to stealthily pass by without being noticed. Ireland is now on the floor sitting between Jonathan’s feet playing with his phone. I can’t even take the site of it so I just keep on walking to what is now an empty kitchen. I can see through the kitchen window that the ladies are out on the back deck. I open a cupboard, and grab a glass and as I turn to get my diet coke and ice, Jonathan walks into the room. His eyes lock with mine and it’s almost like he’s daring me to look away.
“Hey, Em.”
“Hey.”
“She’s awesome, Emily.”
“Thanks,” I say quietly looking down at the glass in my hand.
“I mean it, Em. She’s freaking amazing. You’ve done such a great job.”
And cue the tears. I spin back to the cupboard so he doesn’t see the tears that I’m begging not to fall.
From right behind me I can feel his body heat on my back and I hear him say just loud enough for me to hear. “I am so sorry for leaving last night, Em. My mind was whirling with so many crazy things and I needed to take it all in. Hell, for about five minutes I thought maybe I was a dad and then I wasn’t. I mean I know she doesn’t look like me, but the hair and eyes are so much like Mick that I thought maybe she just looked like her uncle? I was so relieved I wasn’t her dad and disappointed at the same time. It was just a lot and I’m sorry.”
I feel his hands on my hips as he slowly turns me around. We’re only a couple of inches away from each other but I can’t look at him and I just keep looking down at the empty glass in my hand. I don’t have the strength to look at him.
“Em, I know we’re just getting to know each other again, but I would really like to spend time with you and maybe see what happens. I understand why you wouldn’t have told me about being pregnant back in San Clemente. I didn’t at first, but when I put myself in your shoes, I get it, Em. I really do. Do I wish it had gone a different way, sure, but I do understand.”
I finally look up into his eyes that have always seen me . . . the real me. I can see that he’s being completely genuine and really does forgive me, or at least can appreciate why I made the decision that I did. I can’t believe he still wants me. And did he say he was disappointed that Ireland wasn’t his?
“What do ya say, Em?”
“Jonathan, I can’t just try something again. My life is different now and I have a little girl to think of. I have work and school. I am not the same person I was back then, I’m a freaking single mom! I don’t know that I have it in me to try again.”
We’re interrupted with shouts and curses from the living room and I hear the rustle of bodies moving around. Jonathan takes a couple steps away from me and leans against the kitchen sink
“Touchdown!” Mick yells as he saunters into the kitchen with his hands above his head. “You guys are missing all the fun! The Hawks are killing it.”
Not feeling it, but mustering all the little sister sass that I can, I reply. “Sorry to break it to you big brother but I’m a Rams fan now. I’ll be in there shortly and I’ll be bringing them some luck. Sorry to say but your Hawks are going down.”
“Did you seriously just say that you are a damn Rams fan, now?”
“That I did. The Chargers are really my team but any California team will do.”
“Jesus, that California sun really did some damage to your brain didn’t it?”
He has the funniest look on his face. Like he’s a cross between confused and sad for the loss of his little sister’s ability to make sense.
“Your little sister i
s just fine big brother. Don’t you worry about my brain damage. Any damage that’s been done to my brain was done in my formative years by my big brother. Nice try thinking you can blame that on the California sun.”
He doesn’t say anything just walks past me to the fridge, grabs a couple beers, and holds them in one hand. He needs the extra hand to pull on my ponytail as he walks past me.
“Truth.”
“That’s what I thought, Mickey. Love you, big bro.”
“Love you too, Emmers.”
Mick leaves the room and Jonathan and I just stand in silence . . . me leaning against the counter, and him against the sink.
He finally speaks and says, “That was so weird.”
“What?”
“Mick, being a big brother and using the L word.”
A giggle slips out when I go to speak. “Mick, is a lot of things. I know some of those things are a bit suspect but two of those things are being a great big brother and an even better uncle. He’s a good guy, he just doesn’t want anybody to know it.”
“That’s what I am afraid of, Em.”
“Why would that be a bad thing?”
“Em, I told you that I want to try again. I know that means that Ireland comes as a bonus and that doesn’t bother me in the least. I still feel it, Em, and I know you do to. What do you say? Dealing with Mick as your overprotective brother would be more than worth it if you gave us another chance.”
He’s saying all the words I wanted to hear but does he not remember the badge bunny waiting for him in the other room?
“What about Courtney? You seriously brought another woman to the house you know I’m living in the day after our talk. Then you come in here and say you want to try again with her sitting in the other room. You’re kidding right?”
“Em, she didn’t come here with me. I came here by myself. She has no shame and had only been there a minute before you walked in. I didn’t want to cause a scene. She was doing what she always does; she attaches herself to whoever is available at that moment. Like I said, she has no shame.”
“Well, clearly you seemed available because she was practically sitting on your lap in a room full of people.”
“Emily, I don’t give a shit about Courtney. I couldn’t care less about the damn football game. I came here today to say that I was sorry for my reaction last night and that I want a do-over. I would love to get to know the new Emily and her adorable little girl.”
As if on cue, Courtney walks in and walks up behind him and puts her hand on his shoulder.
“There you are. You left me out there all alone,” she purrs.
“Court, you didn’t come here with me. It isn’t my job to keep you entertained. Go prey on someone else.”
“So, that’s how it’s gonna be Johnny Boy? You gonna pretend that you’ve never used me as your prey?”
She’s looking me straight in the eye, sending me a message, while his face turns red with rage.
“Courtney . . . Walk. Away.” He is seething.
“I’ll walk away Jonathan but you’ll come back. You have before and you will again.”
After releasing her talons from his shoulder she turns, and struts out of the room as if she had accomplished whatever mission she had set for herself. I have to admit if she was hoping to put distance between Jonathan and I . . . mission accomplished.
Going into damage control mode Jonathan walks up to me and tries to grab my hands, but I pull away.
“Em, ignore her. I am not with her and I have no interest in her at all. She was a drunken mistake and that is all.”
“See, I just don’t have the energy to deal with drunken mistakes Jonathan. I have a little girl to take care of. I just moved here and am living with my brother. I have a new job starting this week and am studying for my masters. I just don’t think I am in a place to start anything. Thank you so much for accepting the reasons why I didn’t tell you about things in the past, and thank you for your apology, but I think friends is really all I can handle right now.”
“If friends is all you can give, then I’ll take it. It’s not what I want, but I’ll take it.”
I hear stomping and my favorite sound in the world, Ireland’s laugh, heading towards the kitchen and I step further away from Jonathan.
“Emily, look who I found in the living room crawling all over Uncle Mickey? Oh hey, Jonathan, how are you?”
What the Hell? My mom knows him? All these years, and my family has been around the only guy I have ever truly loved on a regular basis, and I had no idea?
“Hey, Ms. Jacobs. I’m good. How about yourself?”
“I’m great now that my girls are here in Oregon, where they belong! Hey Jonathan, do you think you could help me unload my car and bring in the goodies I made for you guys?”
“Sure thing. I’ll go right now, is the car open?”
“It is, but I’ll go with you. I just have to get this little monster off of me first.”
While my mom detaches Ireland from her back Jonathan just gives me a weak smile and leaves the room. My mom gives me an odd look. That ‘I’m your mom and I know everything’ look and follows after him.
I’m outside with the all the other ladies when my mom comes out onto the back deck. She can tell I’m hiding. I love football and would usually be in there watching the game with my brother. But with my new friend, Jonathan, and his old friend, Courtney, in the same room, I think I’ll pass this time.
My mom comes over and gives me a hug with a little extra squeeze and says, “You all good, Emmers?”
“I’m good, mom. How are you?”
“Nice try girly, but I know what I saw when I interrupted you in that kitchen. Ireland is fine with Mickey and everybody inside. Why don’t you and I go chat?”
As she releases me from my hug, she puts her arm through mine and starts walking me off the back deck and to a little bench at the rear of the yard. It faces away from the house, but towards the beautiful view of Mt. Hood. She knows that nobody can hear us out here and there is privacy. She’s so going to get me to talk. I always tell her everything in the end anyway, but I’m not sure I’m ready to talk about this.
“It wasn’t anything mom, nothing worth talking about.”
“Well, by the look on your face when I walked in, and his while he helped me bring the food in, I would say there was a whole lot more than just nothing going on.”
Moms . . . how do they know everything? I think it’s a gift and a curse but nonetheless their ability to know all is a real thing!
“Oh mom, it’s a long story.”
“I’m not going anywhere, sugar, and I am very interested in knowing how there is a long story about you and Jonathan when you just met.”
“We didn’t just meet, mom,” I sigh before continuing. “Remember when I told you the story about my trip to San Clemente and the whirlwind romance I had, but it was the week after I found out I was pregnant, so I walked away?”
“Emily, no . . . It can’t be . . . Jonathan is . . . he’s . . . he’s your Georgia, and you’re his Gracie?”
As the tears start to fall, my mom puts her arm around me and just lets me cry.
“Well, it sounds like you remember that story.”
“Of course I do, you were devastated. You fell in love with him and if I remember correctly, he was head over heels in love with you.”
“Mom, there was never anybody before him or after him that has even compared. I was so scared and I ruined everything before it even got going.”
“Honey, he was leaving to go overseas, and you were scared and confused about what your future held. You did what you thought you had to do.”
“I know, but still. There are so many ‘what ifs’ going through my mind. Seeing him play with Ireland earlier nearly killed me. She just instantly took to him and he’s so good with her. Who knows if he would have wanted me back then if I had told him, but if he had . . . mom, Ireland’s life would be so much better having him in it.”
&nbs
p; “And yours?”
“And mine. He told me today that he wanted to get to know me again. That he wanted to get to know Ireland. That he wanted us to try again.”
“And what did you say?”
“I told him I didn’t know if I could be more than friends with everything I had going on. And that Ireland comes first. He said if that was all I could give him, he would take it. But he agreed to one week before and it wasn’t enough for him. What if he can’t just be friends?”
“Do you still feel the same after all this time?”
“You mean do I still love him?”
She just nods her head and I nod back my answer. Saying it out loud isn’t an option. We sit on the bench, on this beautiful day and look at our amazing view in silence. As I sit there, the reality that the love of my life is in that house with my daughter and my brother and knows my mother stabs me in the heart. A man I never thought I would see again is right here, right now and wants to try again, and I turned him away. Again. This is not how I imagined things going.
“Listen, I’ve gotten to know him here and there and he does seem like a nice guy. He is certainly a looker, but more than that he’s a good man from what I can tell. He’s been through a lot and seems a little closed off though. Be careful, but don’t push him away. Take it slow for yourself and for Ireland, but don’t hold yourself back from love. I know you won’t let yourself say it out loud, but you still love him. It’s obvious. Sweetie, you don’t need to conquer this world alone. You will still be just as strong as you are today if you let somebody walk beside you. You, more than most, deserve to be loved and cared for. If he’s offering to walk beside you maybe you should think about letting him. He didn’t ask you to marry him, he just asked you to try. Ireland is gonna be five before you know it and you’ve been on your own since the day she was born.”