Arthur cleared his throat slightly. "Indeed," he said. "All the same, as Heather has so concisely stated, she doesn't have any answers. None of us do."
"We don't need answers," Cole said, and once again, all heads turned towards us. "We just need to fight back. Create a gridlock. We can't stop them, but we can slow them down so much that it amounts to the same thing." He smiled, slowly. "How's that for politics, Arthur?"
At the head table, Arthur went white as a corpse, then rapidly flushed red. "These things all take time," he spluttered. "Time and money and energy that we don't have. Who's going to -"
"I will," said Cole, simply. "You won't even have to lift a finger. Even you can't object to that."
"I can," said Arthur, "because it's a waste of your time, too. If you want to help the clan, you might want to consider starting with the broken leadership structure you left in your wake, because you refused to accept your birthright."
His voice had grown darker and colder as he spoke, something beyond the usual light contempt in his tone. I felt my blood chill in my veins.
Adanna spoke again, finally. "What's done is done," she said. "He's back now, and he's offering to help solve this problem, Arthur. I don't see any reason to argue about the past. The future is what's important."
"Exactly," said Arthur. "But how are we supposed to move into the future if we can't let go of our past? The world is changing. We have to keep up with it."
"The world is always changing," Cole insisted, leaning forward in his chair. "The world always changes around us. But we don't change. Not where it counts."
"A very pretty ideal," said Arthur. "Where did you hear that from - your grammar school teacher?"
"Enough!" Adanna's voice rang out in the hall. All heads turned, and the only noise was someone's partially-stifled cough. "I've only heard one person suggest a solution so far, and I think we should put it to a vote. All in favor of Cole heading this project, please raise your hands."
About half of the people in the room lifted their hands. Adanna and Arthur both counted silently, their eyes darting around the room.
"All against?" Arthur asked, eyes narrowing.
"So that's settled," said Adanna, a moment later. "Cole will develop our strategy to fight the sale of the land. He'll bring a proposal next month. Meeting adjourned."
Most of the attendees filtered out shortly after that, but Cole was quickly cornered by a few people I didn't really recognize. I kept my distance, noting the low, confidential tones of their voices. Whatever it was, I wasn't invited to that conversation.
Adanna came over to me, with an armful of papers. "Thank you for coming," she said. "I hope you're not horribly traumatized."
I laughed. "Looks like we all survived. For now."
"Indeed." She glanced over at Cole. "Arthur might have an aneurysm, but that's a problem for another day."
Clearing my throat, I shifted my purse from one shoulder to the other. "I'm honestly surprised that Cole stepped up," I said. "I mean, I'm glad. But I'm surprised."
She nodded. "He's still ambivalent about getting too involved with the clan. That boy is confused. He has been for a long time. But I think the longer he stays here, with us - and with you - the more everything will start to make sense. He just needs to accept the reality of who he is, and what he is."
"He almost seems…" I considered my words carefully before I spoke. "…frightened by it. You know?"
She nodded. "He never learned to control it. Not the way most of us do. It's very difficult when you're a teenager, but as you grow older, you learn. It's like anything else." She smiled. "Very poor self-control when you're young. We are no different from the commonfolk in that regard. But Cole left before he had a chance. The changing is still a very frightening thing for him."
"He doesn't seem to remember anything that happens when he's…changed." I was choosing my words carefully, even though Adanna had never struck me as someone to get offended by my staggering ignorance of shifter culture.
"It's like that, at first," she said, nodding. "It takes practice to remember. It's a little bit like ludic dreaming."
"So is he really not in control of himself?" I nibbled on my lower lip, unsure if I really wanted an answer. "I mean, he doesn't seem to think he is."
Adanna's mouth twisted slightly. "Yes and no," she said, finally. "It's…hard to say. He won't talk much about it. If he'd tell me more, I could try to help him, but…you know how he is."
I didn't particularly like the sound of that.
"It's simply a matter of connecting the two state of consciousness," she went on. "He thinks he's not conscious as himself when he's changed, but he is. The memory is the problem. It only works one way. As a wolf, he has all his human memories, in some form or another. But as a man, he has to learn how to access them."
"Oh," I said, not really understanding, but not wanting to ask any more questions.
I refused to accept that my father was right about him. Cole was more than human, not less. I'd seen him change in front of me, and all he did was protect me. I had nothing to be afraid of.
I had to believe that.
Chapter Seven
There was one undeniable fact that I had to confront.
The closer I got to Cole, the more I was separating him from his clan. From the only people who really understood him, and could help him. My father had made that abundantly clear. Whenever I was wrapped up in Cole's arms, I could practically hear him cheering from the sidelines. It made me sick.
But just like always, I couldn't stay away.
After the meeting, Cole hadn't come home with me. I'd half-expected it, but I'd come out of the bathroom after my conversation with Adanna to find him gone. He didn't call that night, or the next morning.
And so it begins.
I told myself he was busy strategizing, or gathering signatures, or just whatever the hell it was he planned to do about the land sale. I'd been a little concerned that he'd start hassling me to ask my father more questions about my origins, but I would have preferred that to his complete radio silence.
I kept on going to work, going through the motions, and trying not to notice how much time was passing. Obviously, Steve and Joe knew he was in town by now. But they didn't bring it up, and I didn't, either. The last thing I wanted to do was start asking around - "hey, have you seen my ex-boyfriend? I was kind of hoping to spend the night with him again…"
Finally, on the third night, when I was starting to suspect it was all just a dream, I felt a strong pull towards the fountain on my walk home. Stronger than usual.
And then I smelled it.
I smelled him.
As I walked, I tried to classify that scent. It was just Cole. Not sandalwood or pine or the smell of the earth just before a rainstorm. It was unmistakably masculine, mouth-watering, and unlike anything I'd ever experienced in my life.
He was standing in the clearing when I reached it, in front of the fountain, close enough to reach out and dip his hands into the water. But he wasn't.
"Get my message?" he asked, quietly.
"Oh." I walked a little closer. "Is that what that was?"
"Mmhmm." He wasn't looking at me. "You could've mentioned that you can read my thoughts."
What the fuck kind of person keeps that a secret? he demanded, inside my head.
I cringed. "I didn't think that's what it was!" I insisted. "It seemed nuts. I just ignored it. I thought it was my own subconscious talking to me, or…something."
"Right." He let out a bark of laughter. "Well, Adanna's up my ass now, wanting to know why I'm not asking her for help, if I'm so afraid I'm gonna hurt somebody. You don't have to air my dirty laundry all over the clan. Besides, I never said that. I never even thought it."
"But you are," I hazarded. "Aren't you?"
"Wouldn't you be?" he almost shouted, sending the few birds in the clearing scattering.
"I don't know, Cole!" I crossed my arms, turning to face him. "I don't know anything! I
learned about all this shit last week, and I have no idea how to process it all, and I'm sorry if I betrayed your confidence, but I was scared too. I don't know what to expect. I don't know who you really are. All those times you claimed you didn't keep any secrets from me, you were lying. Even ten years ago, I didn't really know you. And now? I know you even less." I exhaled, long and bitter.
Cole was bending forward now, resting his hands on the edge of the fountain, his head hanging loose.
"I'm sorry, Heather," he said. "This is fucked up. I know it's fucked up. But, I mean - what are we doing here?"
"You mean us, specifically?"
"I mean us, specifically." He glanced over at me, finally. "Are you shivering?"
"No," I insisted. "But it is getting a little chilly. Can we go somewhere else and talk?"
He swallowed audibly. "Back to your place? We don't seem to get much talking done there."
"So what?"
Shrugging, he took a step back. "I don't know if it's a good idea."
I don't want to hurt you again.
"Come on," I said. "Let's just go. I promise this isn't a nefarious plan to seduce you."
Cole was silent on the whole walk home, and he didn't start talking again until he was flopped out on my sofa. I sat there patiently for a moment, until he began.
"I don't even know what the fuck I'm doing here," he said, staring at the ceiling. "I came back because I didn't know what else to do. But now I'm mired in all this political bullshit, everything I wanted to get away from. Fuckhead Arthur talking about my birthright. Like we're in fucking Game of Thrones. I didn't want to be the Alpha, why should I have to be? Just because my father was? They're doing just fine without me. Clearly."
He let out a bitter laugh.
"I was everybody's favorite. The star kid with a bright future. I know, I know, boo hoo, how could I stand it?" His mouth twisted into a joyless smile. "But the pressure. Everybody was sure I'd be the next Alpha. By the time I was ten years old, I started to feel like the whole rest of my life was going to be planned out for me. I wasn't going to have a choice.
"Oh, sure, people asked me what I wanted - and of course I went along with it. I basked in the attention. I wanted to make everyone happy. But the older I got, the more trapped I started to feel. This town. This life. These people. All of it - I wanted to leave it behind, even if meant living in secret, and never being able to truly share my life with someone. I mean, when do you bring up the fact that you're a werewolf? Third date? Two-month anniversary? Right before you move in together?"
I looked down at my hands. "I mean, before the wedding night, ideally."
He snorted. "But that's the thing. There was no option for me to live my life with the others. You don't just leave, and abandon your clan - the other clans wouldn't have me. That's how rivalries start. And we can't afford any more of those. It's bad enough as it is, with Foxwoods and Alki. And we're supposed to be in the same clan. It's even worse when there are fewer ties. Maybe I could find a clan who wants to piss off mine, so they'll take me in - but that's a political act in and of itself. I was sick of all that. I didn't want any part of it. I just wanted to live somewhere. Free from all of this bullshit."
"We all put up with a certain amount of bullshit," I pointed out.
Cole looked at me, his expression unreadable. "Some more than most," he said. "I never wanted to leave you behind, but I had to."
My eyes started to feel a little misty. I cleared my throat "I would've followed you," I said, quietly, still looking down at my hands. "Anywhere."
"I know, Sunshine." His voice was soft, and a little wistful. "That's the problem."
"I don't really see how that's a problem," I said, looking back down. When I met his eyes, the urge was too strong. The urge to just end this conversation now, silence it with a kiss, to lose myself in him for a few more hours and stop worrying about anything. But we couldn't keep ignoring this.
Whatever it was.
"I would have ruined your life too," he said. "Along with mine. It wasn't fair. We were…" He let out a long breath. "I know the good times were good, but don't you remember how bad it got? We fought dirty. Both of us. It wasn't your fault and it wasn't mine. We didn't know better. Didn't know much of anything, except how to hurt each other."
"We would've figured it out." Tears were welling in my eyes now, and I tried hard to fight the thickness in my voice. "We could have grown up together."
"And resented each other," he said. "Believe me, Heather, that was all I wanted. To tell you my secret, and take you with me. But think of what that would have been like. Really. Both of us, just clinging to each other because we felt like we had no choice. That's no way to live."
Thing was, I never knew anymore. Which version of the past was real? Sometimes I remembered it like he said, fighting all the time and lashing out just to feel something. Even our happiness was sad and desperate and hard-won. Other times, I remembered it like a little slice of heaven. So perfect and sweet that it hurt my heart to think about.
The reality of it must be somewhere in between. But I couldn't be sure. If even my own memories couldn't agree with each other, what hope did I have of figuring anything out? Ever?
Grief and confusion were swelling inside of me, and the tears finally started to spill down my cheeks. I didn't sniffle, didn't make a single sound to betray that I was crying, but Cole still twisted around and took my face in his hands.
"Hey, hey," he said. "Stop it. Don't. Please don't be upset. I just…I just wanted you to understand why I left. I didn't mean to…shit." His eyes pleaded with mine. "Please, I swear I didn't mean to hurt you."
"I don't know why you had to break up with me," I whispered, between hiccups. "We could've at least had those few months together."
His face hardened a little. "It was too much," he said. "I started doubting. Every time I was around you, I got close to just spilling it. Telling you everything. That's one of the cardinal rules, Heather - you never, ever tell the commonfolk about what we can do. Some even believe it's believe it's wrong to change in front of them, even if it's life-or-death. In some clans, I would've been excommunicated for what I did to save you."
"What you did to save me?" I jerked back, pulling my face away from his hands. "He only got like that because of you. I've walked through there a thousand times with cougars following me. He didn't want to hurt me. It was you."
He jumped to his feet, startling me half to death, and started prowling around the room. "That's the problem, isn't it?" He laughed harshly, raking his hands through his hair. "You think you want to be with me, even if it means I'll make your life worse. You'll swear up and down you don't care. It doesn't matter. Then it happens, you actually see how I'm putting you in danger, and it just makes you mad." He stopped and looked at me, his blue eyes now cloudy with frustration and sadness. "You're mad at me because you know I'm right."
"You're not right about everything," I insisted. "Okay, so maybe we don't go on hikes together around here. Maybe that's a sacrifice we have to make. But it's not like you're going to hurt me, just because you change. Adanna said that you're conscious, even if it seems like you're not."
He laughed bitterly. "Sure," he said. "That's what they tell you. But whenever it happens, whenever an innocent commonfolk gets hurt by one of us, the ruling's always the same. Mind you, it doesn't happen often - at least, not that we know about. But it does happen. It doesn't matter to the police - it just goes down in their records as 'mauled by a wild animal.' But inside the clans, it has to be dealt with. They have to stand trial. And every single one of them claims the same thing.
"'I didn't know what I was doing. I woke up covered in blood.' They're hoping to appeal to the jury's pity, because they know every single one of us has had it happen, only we got lucky. It turned out it was just an animal. But it never works, because the jury's too scared to admit the possibility. They have to believe it's not possible. We all do. Otherwise, everything people fear about us is tru
e."
My father's words were echoing in my ears.
Not human.
No. I refused to believe it.
"What are you saying, then?" I demanded, sitting up straighter. "You came back here just to…fuck me a few times, and then what? We can't be together, because you're scared?"
"We can't be together because we shouldn't be together." Pain and regret was etched across his face when he looked at me. "Heather, honestly, if any sane, objective person looked at our history together - what do you think they'd say? That it's a good idea for us to try again?"
"I don't know," I admitted. "All I know is, I never stopped thinking about you. Not for one single day since you left."
"Of course you never stopped thinking about me," he said, bitterly. "Nobody ever gets sick of something they can't have."
My heart twisted in my chest. There was nothing I could say to him, nothing I could promise. He was too smart for that. He was too smart for a lot of things.
"You know, you're right," I said. "Maybe it's all fake. Maybe I don't even know what I feel. Everything could go to shit. So you might as well not even try, right? I mean, why put yourself through all that?"
He gave me a look, but I refused to let it shut me up.
"Maybe it's better not to do anything," I said, sitting up straighter, emboldened by my own words. "Maybe you're right. Just run away. Run away from me, run away from being the Alpha. It's better that way, isn't it? Save everybody from yourself. You're so brave, Cole. What a selfless guy you are."
Jumping to his feet, he leaned over me, snarling. "You don't know what the fuck you're talking about."
His heavy breathing was…distracting, to say the least. Adrenaline was zinging through my veins, and it was only a matter of time before urge started to take over my better judgment. I took a deep breath and tried to focus.
"Exactly," I said. "You know everything. You've got it all figured out."
He slammed his hand down on the arm of the sofa, and I felt the reverberations, but I didn't flinch. "It's so fucking easy to sit where you are, and tell me what you think I should do with my life. Come talk to me after the first time you've felt your body get ripped apart and re-made into something you don't recognize. Something terrible that only knows the smell of blood. Come talk to me the first time you wake up covered in it, and all you can do is pray it didn't come out of a human being. The first time you have to spend all day searching for a mutilated deer carcass in the woods, so you'll know exactly what kind of monster you are - come and tell me how easy it is. Come and tell me I'm a coward for running away. Say it to my face, Heather."
Howl & Growl: A Paranormal Romance Boxed Set Page 66