Agitated night, treacherous path by the water, steep ascent from the shore, lights all go on the way to my old house . . . things were happening fast. I wished I could talk to Lotus.
What if my mom knew me? If she did, I’d have to come clean with Lotus, and fast.
But maybe that’s what I wanted to do. Despite our agreement, I didn’t want to deceive Lotus anymore, and I wanted to see my mom. My old man? Not so much. But there was no turning back now. There had been no turning back from the moment I saw Lotus in LA. All the moments since then seemed to have been leading up to this one.
Finishing my message, I said, “I’ll come by the Deck Bar afterward.”
My heart beating fast, I hung up as I turned on my old street and then pulled into the driveway. I was surprised to discover that the house looked exactly as I remembered, except maybe a little smaller.
“Dude, how’d you know exactly where my parents’ place is?” Saber asked, his tone unmistakably suspicious.
Before I could formulate an answer, my mother emerged from the house. The years had barely registered on her. She remained as pretty as ever, but her cheeks were streaked with mascara. She was also rolling a large suitcase, and my old man was right behind her.
I opened my door and stepped out onto the driveway, and my mom turned her head. When her gaze met mine, she froze.
My old man frowned at Saber, who had gotten out on the other side of the Scout. Graham didn’t even bother looking at me. Nothing had changed there.
“Ivy, stop!” Graham caught up to her and grabbed her arm.
Mom winced. “Don’t touch me.”
I moved forward to step in, but my interference wasn’t necessary.
“Don’t ever touch me again.” She shrugged out of Graham’s hold, pain and wonder in her eyes as she took two staggering steps toward me.
My heart in my throat, I quickly eliminated the rest of the distance between us.
“Storm,” she said, her voice breaking on a sob. “My boy. You’ve come home.” Her eyes glistening with unshed tears, she lifted her trembling hand and laid it on my cheek. “What’s happened to you? You look so different. So hard.”
“I got into a few bar fights that rearranged the shape of my nose and my jaw a bit.”
And lived a harsh, lonely existence for a long time that had changed me more. But I wasn’t as hard as I looked. Not anymore. There was softening inside me, a merging of the boy I’d been with the man I was now. A light that flickered with hope again because of Lotus.
“You look the same, beautiful as ever,” I said hoarsely, though I noted fine lines around her eyes and mouth that hadn’t been there before. “Sorry I stayed away so long. I missed you, Mom.”
“I missed you too.” Her brown eyes shone. “Not a day passed I didn’t think about you.”
Saber’s jaw dropped. “What the ever-loving fuck?”
He’d moved to stand beside me. Glaring at me, yes, but there was also something else in his eyes.
Before I could figure it out or address him, Graham stomped toward me, his face twisted in that familiar anger. It was a throwback to our last encounter, but he was older, his thick hair dramatically thinned. He seemed smaller to me now, like the house.
Glaring at me, he said, “I told you never to come back.”
“You don’t have any right to tell me what to do anymore.” I drew myself up to my full height.
Since I’d left, I’d grown several inches taller than him. A flicker of concern passed behind his eyes, and maybe even a little fear.
I’d always thought that I would like that, the tables being turned and me having the upper hand like he’d always had over me. But I didn’t like it. In fact, I hated it. I didn’t want to be like him in any way.
“Step away from him, Ivy!” Graham shouted the command, yet his voice sounded weaker than before. He was weaker.
Why had I never noticed? My old man was a bully and a coward. He covered up those traits with animosity and bluster, but that was what he was.
I started to pop off to him like I always used to, but stopped myself.
I’d made my break from him, gotten away from his abuse. Although I’d been scared and lonely, I’d made it all on my own. There was tremendous value in the experience and knowledge I’d gained. And now, I could lend it and my strength to my sweet, beautiful Lotus. Be the man she needed me to be. Though she had strength of her own, for sure, I regretted that she’d had to find it apart from me.
Thinking of her, I rethought everything. In my mind’s eye, I saw a bigger, global view with connections I’d never made before. There was a pattern.
Saber as a kid defending me. Me defending Lotus.
I modeled some of the good I’d seen. Lotus shared all she had with me.
Caring should never be dismissed. Lotus was absolutely right.
My brother’s good example, even if not consistent, and Lotus’s kindness and sharing—those things had made a difference. All the difference, really, both for her and for me.
Abuse at my house. Abandonment in hers.
Lotus and I had broken the cycle, each in our own way. But we were kids then, and now we were grown.
Being who I was now, I realized I could step in and defend my mother, but if I did, there was a good chance she’d fall back into the same pattern. The better choice would be to encourage her. I could support her, but I needed to allow her the privilege of learning the same lessons I had, finding her own strength in defending herself.
“I’m back, Mom.” I shifted, placing my arm around her shoulder. “I’m here if you need me.” Glancing at my brother, I said, “Saber is here to help you too.”
“Absolutely,” he said, throwing his arm around our mom from his side.
It felt good, really good, to be united in our support of her.
“It’s done, Graham,” Mom said, firming her shoulders. “Over.”
I noted her words. They were like the ones I’d spoken that had set me free.
She lifted her chin. “I’m filing for divorce. From now on, you talk to me through my lawyer.”
His jaw dropping, Graham Hardy seemed to shrink before my eyes.
“Awesome, Mom.” I turned away from him to focus on her. “I’m proud of you standing up for yourself.”
As I led her to the Scout, she seemed a bit dazed. I opened the door and helped her get in. Saber took her bag, and his eyes met mine briefly. They were wet with emotion and overflowing with questions, but for now, he held them in. My accounting with him and with others would come, but for now, our mother was our priority.
“This is all your fault,” Graham shouted at my back.
Ah, so he wasn’t done being an asshole. I should have known.
I whirled around. My mother had done what she needed to do. Now it was my turn, and I let him have it—for me, for my mom and my brothers, for all those who got knocked around by tyrants like him.
“No, old man, this is all your own doing.” Crossing to him, I picked him up by his impeccably ironed Navy T-shirt and set him aside. Wrinkling his shirt gave me a surge of satisfaction, but I resisted doing more.
His lips curled back from his teeth in a snarl. “You’ll regret this.”
I didn’t acknowledge him. I regretted not noticing that my mother and my brothers were in their own ways as fucked up by him as I was. I regretted how long I’d stayed away from OB. I regretted keeping my identity from Lotus.
Yeah, I had regrets, but calling Graham Hardy out on his bullshit wasn’t one of them.
“I’ll make you rue the day you came back,” Graham spat out at me as I walked away.
As I climbed in the Scout and closed my door, I noticed that his hands were clenched into fists. But they were clenched on a big bunch of nothing, and I wasn’t afraid of him anymore.
“Done being intimidated by you, old man,” I said firmly over my shoulder, meaning every word of it. “All of us are.”
The war wasn’t over. There would be more battles t
o fight. But the sweet reward of Lotus filled my mind, keeping me from further interaction on this one.
I was angry, a product of my environment. No matter how far I ran or how many battles were won, I couldn’t completely escape it.
But for Lotus, because of Lotus, I could overcome that anger and focus on this sweet victory. It was a huge one, the first of many for my mother, my brothers, and me.
I hope.
Lotus
I SAW THAT I had a voice mail from Journey. Just that, seeing his name on the display, made my heart flutter.
“Lotus!” Mr. Macari barked, and I nearly jumped out of my flip-flops. “Put your phone away. You know the rules. No cell phones out while working.”
“Yes, sir. Sorry.”
I tucked my phone back into my bag under the counter, washed my hands in the sink, and resumed filling my current order. There hadn’t been many tonight since the bar was half full. The wind was up and the surf was rough, the dark sky full of clouds. Earlier, there hadn’t been a visible sunset to celebrate.
“Order up for table twelve,” I said, making eye contact with the new waitress.
“Thanks.” She wiped her hands on her apron and took the tray.
“Hey, you.” Tess appeared, taking the place the new girl had vacated. “How’s it going?”
“Going fine.” I gave her a nod. I liked Tess. I was glad to know Journey hadn’t hooked up with her.
Her brow creased. “I heard Mr. Macari lay into you.”
“Again.” I bobbed my head. “I don’t seem to be on his good side lately.”
“Does he have a good side?” She made a face as she typed her order into the point-of-sale computer.
“Not much of one.” I picked up a bar towel and mopped up the minuscule spill I’d made filling the previous order. “I saw your photo at Journey’s apartment. I didn’t know photography was a hobby of yours.”
“It was.” Finished inputting her order, she refocused on me.
“You’re really good at it,” I said. “Don’t give it up.”
“I can’t afford expensive hobbies, being on my own with a ton of bills from my divorce.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know your divorce had officially gone through. Are you okay? How’s Margaret handling it?”
“With wisdom beyond her age.” Tess’s green eyes flickered with shadows as she thought of her daughter. “She’s my light in all of this. But I have to think long term for her with my finances. So, after I complete the custom photo for Journey, I have to sell my cameras. They won’t get much, but every little bit counts.”
“What custom photo?”
“The one he wants me to take at the house here in OB where he grew up,” she said. “He told me there’s an alcove under some palms by his pool that was a special place for him and his best friend.”
I swayed, feeling as if the floor had suddenly shifted beneath me.
“Hey, are you okay?” Tess touched my arm, her eyes warm with concern. “You don’t look so good all of a sudden.”
All my conversations with Journey ran quickly through in my mind.
His face was so different, his eyes now flecked with green, and his voice was deeper. But his speech patterns, the inflections of his words sometimes, his mannerisms . . . Looking for the similarities, I found them.
But that was a coincidence, wasn’t it? Journey couldn’t be Storm.
“Journey mentioned being in Ocean Beach before, but I didn’t know he grew up here,” I said carefully to Tess. “Did he give you an address for the house?”
“Yes, he did, in case I wanted to peek in the gate to check the lighting situation, but we haven’t made formal arrangements to set up a photo shoot yet.” Tess took her phone from her apron pocket, swiped her fingers across the screen, and read Storm’s address to me.
My vision tunneled, and my knees trembled. I grabbed the edge of the bar and gripped it tightly.
“Lotus!” Mr. Macari shouted. “My office! Now!”
Tess’s eyes went wide. “Oh no.”
The room spinning, I stared at my boss’s retreating back, unable to move. Though my vision blurred, everything else suddenly became crystal clear.
The way Journey played the guitar. How he’d known where to find me at the cliffs when he first arrived in OB. His anger about Saber the first night we were together.
Saber wasn’t just a boyfriend—he was an ex-boyfriend who was Journey’s brother. No, not Journey.
Journey is Storm.
My mind racing, I latched onto a clue I’d missed, only to go to another, and then another.
But why? Why keep it a secret from me? He was my best friend. Why hadn’t he told me who he was right at the beginning? Or at least when he first came here?
“Lotus.” Mr. Macari came back, looking pissed.
How much time had passed since he’d called me into his office? I didn’t even know. I didn’t know anything, apparently.
“This isn’t working out. I can’t have an employee who is habitually late, continually distracted on the job, and who can’t follow simple orders in a timely fashion. Get your things. You’re fired.”
“What?” I shook my head, trying to clear it. “No. I’m sorry. I need this job. I just got some unexpected news.”
I swiped the wetness from my cheeks. I hadn’t even felt the tears fall. Relief, joy, I didn’t know which they were, because I didn’t know his motivation. He knew who I was, but why hadn’t Journey . . . Storm . . . wanted me to know who he was?
“I’m not that same person anymore.”
I remembered being afraid when Journey said that, and I was more afraid now. Had he been giving me a clue, a warning, right at the beginning?
“I’m not without sympathy,” Mr. Macari said, oblivious to the fact that I’d tuned him out. “I know your predicament with your brother. But he has a job now, and you’ll need to find yourself another one. I have a business to run, profits to make. This isn’t a charity I’m running here.”
“Okay.” I took off my apron and laid it on the counter. Bending, I retrieved my bag. Lifting my chin and squaring my shoulders, I put one foot in front of the other.
My goal was to leave the bar in a dignified fashion. Focusing on one small achievable goal, instead of the overwhelming parts, was one of the ways I’d managed to get through the unexpected crisis points in my life.
“Lotus.” Tess met me at the door. “You’re upset and unsteady. Let me call Saber.”
“I’m not with Saber anymore.”
“Oh. Well, how about Journey? You two are friends, right?”
“We’re not friends.”
“But—”
“I don’t know what we are,” I said.
I didn’t know what to call what he and I were. Former friends with benefits? Temporary lovers? I felt brittle inside, and cold, like there were sharp shards of ice stacked too high and too precariously inside me.
“I’m just going home. It’s not far. I’ll be okay.”
How many times over the years had I given false platitudes like that? Lots. After my mom took off, after Storm left, after my brother’s accident, after my dad died.
“Okay, Lotus.” Tess gave me a worried frown. “I’ll call you later to check on you.”
Nodding, I turned and moved one foot in front of the other, as if I were in a dream. Before I realized it, I was outside.
The wind whipped angrily around me. Sometimes in the early spring, we got squalls like this from cold fronts coming in off the Pacific. I focused on the familiar, the ocean where the waves churned. But focusing on it failed me. I was all agitated like it was.
But there was an upside. The surf would probably be good tomorrow. Wrapping my arms around myself, I told myself I would be good too. But I didn’t believe it.
Crossing Newport, I arrived at the pier. Not on purpose; it was simply where my feet took me. I wasn’t ready to go home yet. I just didn’t know what else to do.
Taking out my cell, I b
linked at the notification flashing for Journey’s voice-mail message and closed my eyes for a second, shaking my head as if to clear it. Not Journey—Storm’s message. After tapping on the message with trembling fingers, I put my phone to my ear.
Listening to his voice made my legs tremble. Remembering his soft touches, slow grins, and gentle manner, I saw it all with a different perspective now. Stunned, I plopped down on the low wall that separated the sidewalk from the sand several feet below.
He sounded like my boyfriend on the message, like Journey. He didn’t sound like Storm, even though I knew in my heart that’s who he was.
It was so obvious now why I’d been so drawn to him from the very beginning. My spirit recognized his. The same things I’d loved about him from our youth remained, but now there was also a physical connection—a deep, undeniable one.
I squeezed my eyes shut. To me it felt deep and undeniable, but how did it feel to him?
What am I to him?
I opened my eyes. The turbulent ocean in front of me blurred behind the tears that filled my eyes. I knew the answer even before he called my name.
Storm
I SPOTTED LOTUS as I steered the Scout into the public lot by the pier. She sat alone on the wall, her body completely still, her hair loose and whipped by the wind.
After I found a parking space, I got out and went to her. Tess had called just as I’d been about to have a reckoning with my brother and my mom, but they would have to wait. Lotus was my priority.
“Lotus!”
Although the wind ripped her name from my mouth and threw it far out into the sea, I knew she heard me. Her slumped posture snapped straight.
“Hey.” Reaching her, I touched her shoulder. “Tess told me you got fired. I’m so sorry.”
“Yeah, it sucks.”
Lotus didn’t turn to look at me as I took a seat beside her. I threw my legs over the wall, facing the ocean like she did. Her hair streamed across her pretty features, blocking my view, but what I could see of her face between the tendrils made my throat catch. She was crying. I hated it when she cried.
“It’ll be okay,” I said softly.
“Not so sure about that.” She shook her head and wrapped her arms around herself.
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