by Cat Schield
She wanted to cry. Tears might have released some of the pressure in her chest, but her eyes remained dry. Hands jammed in her pocket, she walked across Forsyth Park and confronted her truth. Two nights ago everything had changed. She’d taken a gigantic step forward with her life. She’d made love to Simon with an open heart and an awareness that how she felt about him was not necessarily the way he felt about her.
For a planner like her, surrendering to the moment had been liberating. Too bad what had made her feel so in charge of her own destiny was now tainted by regrets.
A tear slipped down her cheek, leaving a wet trail that she dashed away. Resentment flared. She hadn’t surrendered to self-pity once in the last ten years. She was not about to do so now. She had fallen in love with the wrong man. She would have to live with that. Setting her chin at a determined angle, she retraced her steps.
Simon met her in the foyer when she entered the house. His worried frown made her heart cavort in an exasperating display of delight. Hadn’t she just spent the last hour telling herself he wasn’t the man for her? Why, then, did his concern make her feel cherished?
“Where have you been?”
“I went for a walk.”
“Alone?”
“Yes.” She unbuttoned her coat and let it fall from her shoulders. “I’m not used to being around this many people all the time.”
“I thought maybe…” His voice trailed off. He took her coat and hung it in the hall closet. “Dane disappeared around the same time. I thought you two were together.”
And if they had been? So what? Dane had a fiancée, and Caroline was nothing like Francine. She wouldn’t trade one brother for another. She wouldn’t trade Simon for anyone. That last thought snagged her attention. Well, apparently listing all the reasons she was better off without him hadn’t convinced her that was the case.
“What time does the party start tonight?” She hoped changing the subject would prevent her from dwelling on what had leaped out of her subconscious mind.
“Five.”
“Great, I’m going to grab a quick nap.” Her words brought up the reason she was so tired. She averted her gaze from Simon, but not quick enough to miss the way his eyes lit with his own memories.
Half-afraid he would offer to join her, Caroline dashed up the stairs. By the time she reached the bedroom and put her back against the closed door, her heart was pounding hard enough to damage her rib cage.
After her encounter with Simon, Caroline knew sleep wouldn’t be an option, so she ran hot water into the tub. Soaking in a bath was a luxury she rarely had time for, and the tub in her apartment was too short to allow full immersion. Not so with this one. Up to her chin in fragrant bubbles, she exhaled long and slow. She’d almost finished emptying her lungs when the door opened.
“Hi.” Hannah entered and closed the door behind her. While Caroline watched in stunned surprise, Simon’s sister pulled the vanity chair beside the tub. “Oh, I forgot you grew up an only child.” A cheeky grin curved her lips. “You’re not used to living in a no-privacy zone. Well, if you’re going to marry my brother, you’d better get used to it. We’re all in each other’s business.”
“So, I can expect Dane to join us any minute?” Caroline groused, a dim spark of amusement firing at how Simon would handle that. “You guys aren’t as involved in each other’s business as you might think. For example, your brothers think there’s something going on with you that you’re not talking about.”
Hannah’s face lost all trace of animation. “I don’t want to worry anyone.”
“Isn’t that what family’s there for? To support you when times are tough?”
“Yes, but not right now. It’s not anything Simon or Dane can fix and they will just drive themselves crazy worrying.”
“And your mother?”
“She’s really going to be upset.” Hannah wouldn’t meet Caroline’s eyes. “She’ll blame herself.”
“Cancer?” Caroline breathed, closing her eyes to block out Hannah’s flinch.
“You can’t tell anyone, not even Simon.” Hannah grabbed her arm, the tight grip betraying her anxiety. “It will just upset everyone. It’s a mild case of cervical cancer. The doctor wants to take the baby early. He thinks everything will be fine. But I don’t want anyone to know yet. Promise me you won’t tell.”
“Wouldn’t it be better if your family knew? They could help you get through this.”
“I’ll tell them, but not yet. After Christmas. Before Sarah and I head home.”
“Oh, all right. I won’t tell.”
“Thank you.” Hannah’s smile reemerged like the sun coming from behind a cloud. “I’m really glad you’re going to be my sister.”
Except that was never going to happen. Caroline reeled as guilt struck her anew. Oblivious to the trauma caused by her declaration, Hannah turned the conversation back to the reason she’d searched out Caroline in the first place. With the burden of another Holcroft secret weighing on her mind, Caroline struggled to keep her wits about her as Hannah probed for more details on Caroline’s relationship with Simon. By the time the petite blonde left, Caroline was more exhausted than ever.
She was staring at her pale face, bare of makeup, when Simon appeared in the bathroom doorway. He had entered the bedroom a few minutes earlier and changed his clothes before coming to find her. Now dressed in an elegant charcoal suit and bright red tie, he leaned his shoulder against the doorjamb and surveyed her.
Caroline applied concealer to mask the faint shadows beneath her eyes, and then applied foundation. She looked wrung out both physically and mentally.
“Did you sleep?”
“No.”
Simon pushed off and came toward her. Caroline set down her lip liner. It would be foolish to try to apply it while her hands shook. As he stepped up behind her, she met his gaze in the mirror.
“About earlier. I’m sorry. I should have told you about Francine. But you were looking forward to coming here with me. You know you were,” he inserted as she opened her mouth to deny his statement. “I think you are too responsible for your own good.”
His earnest apology unraveled some of her resentment. When his arms closed around her, she relaxed in his embrace.
“I wouldn’t have survived without being responsible.”
“I know. But the time has come for you to do more than just survive. It’s time for you to live a little.”
“And coming here is going to help me do that?”
A grin broke out. The man could not stay somber for long. “I would say you’ve tossed your hat in the ring.”
He tugged her robe off her shoulder and lowered his head. His lips traced a path along her skin, revisiting all the sensitive areas he’d discovered the previous two nights. Caroline trembled, growing hot in places that demanded his attention. He dipped his hand into the robe’s V and found her breast. She moaned as her nipple hardened against his palm. If she didn’t stop him soon they wouldn’t make an appearance downstairs for some time.
She shifted restlessly in his embrace. “I really should get dressed for your mother’s party.” She sounded breathless and uncertain as if begging him to talk her out of going.
“It’s an open house.” He fanned his fingers over her stomach and pulled her backside against his erection. He nipped at her neck, and then laved the spot. “People will be coming and going all night. No one will miss us.”
“Your mother,” she gasped as his hand slipped into her panties. She closed her eyes, better to savor the pulsing throb of hot desire. “What will her friends think?”
“We’re supposed to be engaged. Let them think what they want.”
The words “supposed to be” hit her like a slap. Her eyes flew open. She saw her robe hanging open and her bra askew, baring one breast. Her lower lip was full and bruised from where she’d bitten down. Her earlier paleness had been replaced by a surge of crimson. The wanton that stood almost boneless in Simon’s arms stared back at her in gr
owing dismay.
“But we aren’t engaged,” she said, a chill replacing the warmth rushing through her veins a moment before. She moved his hands aside and closed her robe. “We’re just pretending.”
His eyes narrowed at her abrupt mood change. His neutral tone gave no clue to his thoughts as he said, “Is that what we were doing last night?”
Flinching away from his question, she sidestepped him. “I have to get dressed.”
She retreated to the bedroom and fumbled into her clothes, acutely aware of his angry presence a few steps away. A short time later, they descended the stairs. As they passed the towering ten-foot Christmas tree, Caroline scrambled to make sense of her tumbling emotions. The beautifully decorated tree and all the holiday joy it represented no longer made her smile. Her heart sat in her chest like a brick, hardened by Simon’s deceit.
Along with adults, many of whom Caroline recognized from the black-and-white gala, tonight’s crowd also included a handful of rambunctious munchkins that ran from room to room, chasing each other through the interconnecting rooms. She had no trouble seeing the three Holcroft children engaged in the same activity. With all the antiques and expensive accessories scattered about, it was a wonder Elizabeth kept her composure. In truth, the Holcroft matriarch watched the antics with a fond smile and the patience of a saint.
Gone was the steel-eyed party planner snapping commands in three directions at once. In her place was the consummate hostess, relaxed, gracious, and artlessly organized. Caroline could only marvel.
“Aren’t they adorable?” Elizabeth said, her eyes on the children as Simon strolled over to kiss his mother on the cheek and wish her a Merry Christmas.
“Adorable?” Simon echoed skeptically. “They’re nothing but a bunch of hooligans.” He snagged one particularly rowdy child by his collar, stopping him from putting a sticky candy cane into a little girl’s cascade of sable ringlets. She had on a festive dress of red velvet and looked ready to spit nails at her tormentor. “They are the most ill-behaved vermin I’ve had the displeasure to share a room with.”
Elizabeth cocked her head. “Well then, you make sure you do better with your own children, won’t you?”
Simon held the sputtering boy, oblivious to his complaints, and stared after his departing mother in blank astonishment. Apparently he hadn’t contemplated himself as a father. Caroline was torn between melancholy and mirth. Never one to dwell on the negative for long, she thought her humor had picked a stellar moment to return.
“Oh, Simon, please let that poor boy go. He’s not going to bother any more little girls tonight, are you?”
The boy glowered at her, but when Simon glowered at him, he shook his head reluctantly and was released. But not before Caroline had plucked the sticky sweet from his hand and told him to go wash.
“Would you like to continue policing our junior party guests or should we search out a glass of wine and some food before it’s all gone?”
Caroline looked up into his bright blue eyes and sighed at the way her pulse took off. “Given the size of this crowd, we may already be too late for the refreshments. Are your mother’s Christmas Eve open houses always this well attended?”
“Invitations to the Holcroft estate are selectively extended during most of the year and my mother is notorious for her redecorating. Thus, on Christmas Eve, the curious arrive in droves to witness what my mother has done.”
“Clever woman, your mother.”
“She does know how to work the angles.”
Simon tucked Caroline’s hand in the crook of his arm as they strolled among the guests, slowly making their way toward the dining room and the food. Simon snagged two glasses of wine from a passing waiter as they went. They found Sarah filling a plate from the overflowing buffet table. She explained that Hannah had found a free chair in the back parlor and wasn’t going to give it up. Simon and Caroline followed Sarah through the throng to where Hannah waited.
“Isn’t this crowd ridiculous?” she complained, looking lovely in a black skirt and red sweater sparking with sequins and beads. “We should have gone to the party at the Chandlers’. At least then we could breathe.”
“We still could,” Sarah said. “I don’t think we’d be missed.”
“Let’s sneak off to midnight Mass,” Hannah suggested. “That way we could sleep late tomorrow.”
“You mean you’re not going to be downstairs at dawn to see what Santa brought you?” Simon teased.
Hannah pushed out her lower lip. “I haven’t done that since I was eight and my big brother told me there’s no such thing as Santa.”
“Simon, you didn’t,” Caroline exclaimed in dismay.
He adopted an injured frown. “Why do you assume it was me? She has two big brothers.”
Hannah laughed. “No, it wasn’t Simon. He was never one to spoil someone’s fun.”
The siblings traded childhood memories, replacing some of Caroline’s blue mood with holiday cheer. By the time Dane joined them, she was wiping away tears after Hannah spun yet another outrageous tale.
“It’s good to see you smiling,” Simon said, dropping onto the couch beside her.
It would be easy to snuggle against him and surrender her resentment over his lies, but he’d hurt her too deeply for her to forgive him based on a few charming smiles. “It’s hard to do anything else with your family around.”
At midnight the party began to show signs of winding down. Hannah and Sarah had given up a half hour earlier and gone to bed. Caroline kept her own yawns locked behind her teeth. She wasn’t ready to face Simon alone in their bedroom. Already this evening she had demonstrated her weakness when in his arms. He had a way of sweeping away her doubts with his charm and kisses. He’d caught her under the mistletoe three times in the last two hours. Each time his lips claimed hers, her defenses suffered another crushing blow.
Around one in the morning, Elizabeth walked the last of her guests to the door and Caroline knew there would be no more delays. She tore a page from Simon’s earlier playbook and decided her course of action.
“Do you think I could borrow the computer in your father’s study to check my email?” she asked Simon as he held out his hand to lead her upstairs. “I just remembered that they promised to let us know how we did on our exams.”
He paused in the hallway. “Sure. But it could wait until morning.”
“It could, but I won’t be able to sleep until I find out how I did.” The excuse sounded weak, but she kept her chin high and her gaze steady on his.
Five heartbeats passed while he considered what she was not saying. As Caroline watched, the warm glow faded from his eyes. He nodded abruptly and kissed her on the forehead.
“I understand,” he said and headed up the stairs.
Caroline watched him go, her heart rocking in her chest like a scared child trying to comfort itself. It was a bit like seeing a familiar shoreline grow distant, knowing there would be no going back. She told herself this was for the best, but that didn’t ease the emptiness.
“You’re sending my brother up to bed all alone?” Dane came toward her from the hallway leading to the kitchen. The lights had been turned off in the foyer, and the glow from the Christmas tree lent a romantic air.
“I wanted to check my email and see if I passed my exams.”
“But you’re not really worried about that, are you?”
Instead of answering, she turned toward Charles’s study. Dane trailed after her, a looming presence just behind her shoulder. What did he want? She thought about earlier that day when Simon had wondered if she’d gone walking with Dane. She wondered if Simon cared any longer that she and Dane were alone together in the quiet house.
She sat at the desk and turned on the computer. As it warmed up, she turned her attention to Dane, who’d slumped into a traditional wingback chair by the fireplace.
“Did you need to use the computer as well?”
“No.”
Then why was he here? “I’m
sorry to hear that Francine’s father is ill. You must be disappointed that she won’t be able to join you for Christmas.”
He sat forward, leaned his forearms on his thighs, and stared at the floor. “Not as disappointed as you might think. We’re having problems.”
A faint uneasiness began to swirl in Caroline’s stomach, but she kept her tone light. “Nothing serious, I hope.”
“Serious enough that I’m considering breaking off our engagement.”
Thinking of what she’d seen in Simon’s condo that night, Caroline wasn’t surprised.
“All couples fight,” she said. “Are you sure you’re not overreacting? I’m sure she loves you—”
Hollow-eyed, Dane said, “The trouble is I’m not sure I love her.”
With those words, Caroline glimpsed the suffering Dane had hidden from his family these last few days. “But you’ve been engaged three years.”
“And isn’t it odd that we’ve yet to set a date? As if maybe I don’t want to marry her?”
“But you must have loved her once. You proposed.”
Dane drew in a huge breath and covered his face with his hands. Sitting up straight, he expelled the air from his lungs in a bitter laugh and raked his fingers back through his hair.
His bleak expression matched his tone as he said, “I proposed because she got pregnant. No one in the family knows that.”
“But…”
Dane read her mind. “She miscarried.”
And he was too honorable to walk away from the promises he’d made to her. Caroline’s opinion of him, already high, soared.
“I can’t lie to her or myself any longer. I don’t love her. I never really did. And that’s something I figured out after watching you and Simon together.”
“Us?”
“My brother has never acted with any woman the way he behaves with you. I’ve got to say I’ve had a great time the last couple days letting him think that I was interested in you. I honestly think he’d kill me if I tried anything.” Dane paused and sent a wry smile in her direction. At that moment, he looked so much like his brother that Caroline lost her breath. “I’m really happy for you two.”