“Relax, Sam,” Jacob said. “What he says is true, but it’s also true that I wouldn’t be convicted for using a toy gun against a murderer who had just knifed someone.”
That much was true; it had been pretty undeniably self-defense. But what if Daniel were giving him a subtle hint about the Academy? Would they maybe look unfavorably on an applicant who had pulled a toy gun, especially if that applicant had a dubious psychological background of reality television dysfunction?
“And we have a confirmed sighting of him in the hotel bar this morning — yesterday morning — what time is it, anyway?” Detective Martin shook her head. “No, don’t tell me, I’d only fall asleep. Anyway, he was seen going into the bar where Valerie was waiting, since someone told her Vince would meet her there.”
Jacob felt a sudden stab of guilt.
“So that’s when he must have gone in to argue with her. It’s possible he was trying to talk her one last time into picking up his show, but since he’d already arranged the first poisoning, it’s more likely it was just a cover to get close to whatever she was drinking.”
“He must have been surprised to see her when he came into Con Ops that morning,” Daniel said. “He probably wanted to confirm that there’d been a death the night before, but then there she was, alive as ever and even insulting him.”
“And I sent her away,” said Jacob. “I told her to wait in the bar for Vince.”
Daniel looked at him. “Don’t feel any guilt about that,” he said. “Well, a little, for yanking her chain, but you were just trying to get her off Vince’s back. You weren’t responsible for what happened. Christopher Adams killed three people, attacked and robbed Laser, and tried to kill two more. He would have gone after Valerie regardless of anything you did.”
Jacob nodded, and Sam gave him a little squeeze.
“So let all that be on Christopher’s head, not yours.”
Jacob swallowed. “What about the Academy?”
“What?”
Jacob blew out his breath. “It’ll be bad publicity if I go ahead with my application, right? Little Jakey to serve and protect? So I guess….” He didn’t want to finish the sentence.
“It will be bad publicity, all right,” replied Detective Martin coolly. “A police science major works out a homicide case, is attacked by the murderer, holds him off with a toy until help can arrive for the injured victim, and then the Academy turns him down? Yeah, that’s the kind of publicity we certainly can’t afford. Very bad.” She stood. “Just don’t get a big head, or it’ll turn into a chip on your shoulder for everyone to knock off.”
Jacob stared at her a moment. “You mean, you think they’ll take me?”
“I’ve been wrong before, but I’d be willing to play some money on this one.” She smiled. “See you soon, Jacob Tarston Foster.”
She rose and went to the door, but as she opened it she stopped.
Daniel jerked to his feet. “What?”
“Not bad,” she answered immediately. “Just — weird.”
They all went to the door and looked down to the lobby, where a group was dancing to a small set of speakers blasting Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time,” slightly overdriven. They were dressed in what could only be described as trailer park chic — a too-tight pink knit dress with a leopard-print jacket and over-sized plastic earrings, a stained wife-beater beneath an open plaid shirt, a Hooters t-shirt. There were perhaps a dozen of them, the women in teased wigs of bleached blonde or a red never found in nature and the men in mullets. One man had pulled his shirt high, just covering his nipples in accordance with the hotel’s dress code, and was using both hands to jiggle his ample belly in time with the music. Fake cigarettes dangled from nearly every lip.
“What in the world is that?” asked Jessica. “Really, what?”
Jacob’s stomach dropped hard and fast, and he tasted bile. Sam put an arm around his shoulders, but she had nothing to say.
People were gathered around the dancers, laughing and taking photos as they pretended to drink from red party cups and then staggered through their moves or pushed one another angrily. Jacob saw one thin cosplayer in a striped shirt — they must have made it themselves, surely no one still sold anything that ugly — bend and, with a quick movement that felt like a punch to Jacob’s stomach, jerked down his pants to expose flesh-toned leggings and waggled his butt at one of the bleached blondes.
Sam elbowed Jessica. “It’s everyone from Cougars and Cold Ones. The whole cast. Somebody actually wanted to cosplay Cougars and Cold Ones.”
Jessica tilted her head. “I can’t decide whether to be happy Jacob’s so famous or go punch them for being insensitive.”
“Don’t,” Jacob started, but Jessica had already started forward.
“She ain’t happy unless she’s righting a wrong,” Sam sighed, and she started after her. Jacob followed.
Jessica’s voice carried over the straining speakers. “Turn that off! Do you guys have any idea how—”
“It’s him!” shrieked one of the bleached blondes. “It’s Jakey!”
They rushed, and Jacob froze. And then they were around him, all talking at once, and someone pushed next to him and held up a phone for a selfie.
Sam wedged herself between them. “A little space, please?”
“Hold on,” Jacob managed. “What’s going on?”
The guy playing Little Jakey — playing Jacob — worked his way to the front. “We’ve been planning this for weeks, you know? Wanted to put together a whole group. We’ve got the whole cast, worked out all our choreography, all of it. We had no idea you’d be here!”
“That was you guys, wasn’t it?” Sam’s eyes widened. “You were the ones sneaking Cougars into all the viewing rooms and everywhere?”
Little Jakey grinned. “Yeah! We thought it’d be fun to get everyone buzzed before we made our big appearance on Sunday. Cool, right?”
“Do a photo with us?” asked the redhead dressed like his Aunt Ginnie. “Please? A big group shot?”
“Yes, please?” That was from the one he supposed was his mother. It was disorienting and disconcerting.
But they looked so eager and hopeful and not at all mocking. They were playing with the personalities, not attacking them.
“Um,” Jacob said, “sure.”
They lined up around him, striking various signature poses — including the classic pants-down — and cameras flashed all about the lobby. Jacob’s face burned, and he wondered if he should have refused. There was no going back now.
His eyes found Sam’s in the watching crowd, and she gave him a small smile. It would be okay.
Beside her, Jessica was taking a photo, too.
The group around him changed poses frequently, milking photos from the laughing spectators, but after a few moments they began to break apart. “Thanks, man,” said Little Jakey to Jacob. “You made my day. Week. Month.”
“Yeah, thank you,” said his faux-mother. “We were just hoping someone would recognize us by Sunday. This was awesome.”
Jacob nodded. “Glad you enjoyed it.” And he was, he found. He wasn’t sure yet if he’d enjoyed it, but he wasn’t as angry with them as he would have thought.
“Food,” Sam said. “Real food. Eggs and fruit and stuff. Food trucks are here, so come on.”
“Coming.”
His phone buzzed, and he glanced down at a text from Lydia. It was only a smiley face and a bit.ly link. He clicked, and it opened to a tweet from the Herald.
Child reality star, now hero, Jakey Tarston saves actor's life, holds alleged knife-wielding assailant 'til police arrive. Story developing.
Story developing. That was a nice way to put it. Not like he’d planned, not at all, but story developing.
He let Sam and Jessica pull him toward the food trucks.
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About the Author
Laura VanArendonk Baugh is a behavior expert, animal trainer, and chocolate enthusiast who has attended and worked at quite a lot of anime, sci-fi, comic, gaming, and other conventions. She’s won about thirty costume awards at cons ranging in size from a few hundred to over fifty thousand attendees, judged costume contests, and presented well over one hundred workshops on costuming, fandom, and related topics — so she enjoyed this chance to get her geek on in fiction as well.
www.LauraVanArendonkBaugh.com
www.AndSewingIsHalfTheBattle.com
Laura’s other titles include:
Kitsune-Tsuki
Kitsune-Mochi
Smoke and Fears
Smoke and Peers
Fired Up, Frantic, and Freaked Out:
Training Crazy Dogs from Over-the-Top to Under Control
and a variety of short stories
Remember WENN
“Tell us how you escaped from Devil’s Island, Randolph.”
“Oh, Doug, I'm far too busy to be upset. I have my broadcasts, my fan mail, my detailed plans for how to dispose of Jeff's body….”
These lines from Sam’s voice audition are borrowed from Remember WENN, a brilliant show which, like Firefly, was canceled by management despite its popularity but unlike Firefly, never got a DVD release. (Read more on the greatest television series you’ve never seen at http://lauravanarendonkbaugh.com/remember-wenn/)
The lines were spoken by the inimitable Miss Hilary Booth (played by Melinda Mullins), an actress complaining of poorly-written scripts who finally bursts, “I’ve even had to say, ‘Tell us how you escaped from Devil’s Island, Randolph!’” More than fifteen years later, as I was trying to write a flat and terrible line, Hilary’s diatribe ran through my mind, and as I knew any pathetic line I tried to write after that would be a pale copy of that perfectly limp phrase, I decided to honor her lost show with that line and the next. Original writing credit goes to show’s creator and writer Rupert Holmes. I’d love to give you a link to purchase the DVDs, but….
WENN fans may recognize another audition reference as well, but it’s more oblique to keep things spoiler-free.
Kitsune Tales
Do you like anime, manga, or Japanese culture? You might enjoy the Kitsune Tales, a series of stories set in Japanese folklore.
Kitsune-Tsuki — The onmyouji Tsurugu no Kiyomori, a practitioner of the mystic arts, has been engaged to protect the warlord's new bride from the fox spirit rumored to be near. Tsurugu and the shadow-warrior Shishio Hitoshi face an impossible challenge in teasing out a kitsune shapeshifter from the samurai and servants –- if such a creature is even present at all.
The handsome mute twin servants belonging to Lady Kaede are certainly suspicious, but it is the beautiful and strong-willed lady herself who draws Shishio’s mistrust. Tsurugu and Shishio must move carefully, for accusing the warlord’s bride falsely would be death. But failing to identify the kitsune to the warlord is equally perilous, and there is more to discover. For an onmyouji knows secrets even the shadows do not….
Kitsune-Mochi — Onmyouji Tsurugu no Kiyomori serves Naka no Yoritomo and his new wife Kaede, protecting their household from the supernatural and warning of more mundane threats. When a murder is committed in Naka's name, an exiled onmyouji determines to wreak his own justice by destroying Naka no Yoritomo and his bride, just as word comes that an immensely powerful youkai is moving, coming to Kaede.
Now Tsurugu and his allies must protect his daimyou‘s house from a dangerous rival without revealing their own treacherous secrets — or they die by the hands of their friends instead of their enemies.
The Lonely Frost — Strange occurrences bring Tsurugu no Kiyomori to a remote village, to determine whether the disappearances of goods and people are the work of human thieves or supernatural youkai. But even an experienced onmyouji like Tsurugu is not prepared for what he will find.
Coming soon in the anthologies Specter Spectacular II: 13 Deathly Tales and Weird and Wondrous Work: Speculative Fiction Presents the Oddest of Odd Jobs from World Weaver Press.
Con Job Page 21