“Did you … love him? My birth dad. Did you love him?”
“Yes, and I still do. Greatly. I loved you from the minute I knew about you. I loved you more the minute I saw you. And my family too—all of us have loved you and prayed for you since the second we knew you’d been … formed.”
Emily looked around the room, surprisingly dry-eyed and clear. “I think my ‘I’m-not-wanted’ button just turned off.”
Laughter filled the room the same way the universe fills the sky: with pure delight.
* * *
In a stark hotel room outside Bronxville, Kate sat on the edge of the bed with her cell phone in her hand. The simplest of all things to do—hit one button that dialed the seven numbers for Rowan—she couldn’t do. She couldn’t explain to him what it felt like to walk into Emily’s bedroom and see her bright apple-green bedspread, her bulletin board covered in photos, dried flowers, and cutouts from fashion magazines. She couldn’t tell him how they held hands while Emily talked about her best friend, Sailor, pushing her to find them.
Kate wanted to call Jack, tell him every feeling, every moment, every sparkling sentence that had passed between the families. This wanting—the one of needing Jack more than Rowan—felt more betraying than even the lie she’d told about Birmingham all those months ago.
Nicole came out of the bathroom and sat on the hotel bed across from Kate. “You okay?”
Kate nodded. “I want to call Jack. I want to tell him everything about everything. Her freckles. The way she covers her lips with her fingertips when she laughs. The way her bulletin board looks like mine did at thirteen years old. The cleft in her chin. Her greenest eyes. How happy she is. So good and so happy.”
“Then tell him, darling.” Nicole glanced around the room, as if looking for escape. “You’d kill me if I lit a cigarette. So, I’m going outside.” She stood and grabbed her purse from the side table.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“I did the right thing, right? I mean, now that we see her and know. I did the right thing.”
Nicole nodded. “I don’t know if there’s a right thing here. But yes, it was a good thing. A great thing.”
“What now?”
Nicole smiled. “Just like you couldn’t know back then, I don’t think you can know now.”
The hotel room door slammed its metal weight with a startling pop as Nicole left the room. Kate again looked at her phone contacts and scrolled to Jack’s name, touching his number with the tip of her finger.
twenty-one
BRONXVILLE, NEW YORK
2010
“Tell me again,” Sailor asked.
“Seriously? Can’t we talk about something else?” Emily pushed her feet against the grass, sending the tire swing higher so she looked down at Sailor, close and then far, a kaleidoscope. “I told you every single thing.”
“Maybe you forgot one thing.”
Emily stopped the swing with the jolt of her heel into the dirt. “It’s been like a month and I can’t think of anything I haven’t told you.”
“Liar,” Sailor said. “I don’t know why you are so super-secret about it all. I mean, really, if it wasn’t for me you might not have even looked for her. You’d still have that stupid notebook full of fake mom stuff.”
Sailor was right, and Emily took a deep breath. “Something I haven’t told you … let me think.” Emily sat in the grass and plucked clover—the green stem with the tiny white flower edged in pink—from the dirt, making a pile. “I want to meet Mr. Jack.”
“Mr. Jack?” Sailor plopped down next to Emily, joining in the flower collection.
“Yes, that’s what we all decided I’d call them. Miss Katie and Mr. Jack. It’s like a totally southern thing, I guess.”
“See?” Sailor pushed at Emily. “You didn’t tell me that. You’re always leaving things out.”
“Whatever.” Emily sat cross-legged and began tying stems together to make a fairy chain. Emily and Sailor believed that when they each made a perfect circle of white flowers with stems end to end, and then placed those garlands on their heads, wishes were heard. Of course so far none of their wishes had been granted, but there was always next time.
The lawn was circular, a tidy oasis behind Sailor’s uncles house. Since his wife had died, he’d made a garden for her. When Sailor’s aunt was alive, he’d always been “too busy” to make this garden he’d promised. When she died, he devoted his weekends and evenings to the magical place where he gave Emily and Sailor special permission to hide on boring and searing summer afternoons. He was the one who told them about the fairies, and they believed him.
Silent under the July sun, tying flowers together while their fingertips turned green with brilliant stem-juice, they each thought of their wishes. As with every afternoon that summer, far-off thunder was the broken promise of much-needed rain that never came. A fat blue bird dipped into a nest above Emily’s head and glared down at her as if she might try to take the speckled eggs that she would never touch or hurt.
Emily finished her flower circle first and placed it on the crown of her head. “I wish I could meet Mr. Jack.” She closed her eyes and fell backward onto the grass under an oak tree thick with dense summer leaves, a shadow, and an umbrella over her face.
Sailor placed her own wreath on her head. “Me too. I wish you could meet Mr. Jack.”
“A double wish,” Emily said.
“The fairies will hear us this time. It’ll for sure work this time. Totally for sure.”
twenty-two
BLUFFTON, SOUTH CAROLINA
2010
Families were formed of many combinations and with one Facebook “friend request” Kate’s family had increased plus five. As weeks passed, Emily asked questions as they came to her; Kate answered and then asked her own. They learned about each other’s habits and likes and dislikes, about what they had in common and what they didn’t.
Kate fought the urge to act like a “mother,” but what else was she? What was the plan for a birth mother who reentered a young girl’s life? Did she just send notes of adoration? Did she try to see her? Become involved in everyday life? What she’d give for a blueprint or outline. She’d read so many books when she was pregnant—there was not an absence of advice then, but now?
None.
While the rest of the world returned to their normal routine, Kate oscillated between jubilation and melancholy, between joy and fear. All these years and time, and her daughter was now part of her life, but what if she messed it up now? Every day seemed a new way to ruin the good, the newly found goodness. Finally two months after her visit, the Jackson family wrote to say that they were heading to the Florida panhandle for vacation and would love to stop in Birmingham and meet Jack.
Jack had taken three days to think about it before calling Kate.
“Why wouldn’t you want to meet her?” Kate asked, cradling her cell phone between her shoulder and ear as she arranged shirts on a rack.
“This isn’t something to be taken lightly.”
“I didn’t say it was. I just wondered.”
“I’ve told you. This isn’t something anyone in my life knows about. This isn’t common knowledge. I tried to forget.” Each sentence seemed a word of its own: simple and complete.
“But you didn’t.”
“Didn’t what?”
“Forget. I mean, how could you?”
“At times I did. And now, when life has some kind of balance, I don’t want to mess it all up again.”
“Jack, she just wants to know her story. That’s all anyone wants, I think. To know where they came from and why. You never have to see her again. Just give this to her. To me.”
“Yes,” he said. “Okay.”
“Great, so I’ll see you soon.” Kate hung up, leaning her head against the wall.
“You okay?” Lida asked, coming from behind Kate.
“Yep.” She shook her head. “I really don’t get Jack at all. Here is the one person he has wondere
d about and worried about for his whole life and he almost doesn’t want to see her?”
Lida smiled, but her lips were closed and the smile sad. “It must be hard for him.”
Kate nodded. “I know.”
And she did know. Jack’s heart had long since healed, and opening doors and windows to this piece of the past might make him feel and remember things he’d obviously kept far from his life. She did know.
* * *
The edges of Kate’s body felt frayed and loose as she waited on the outdoor patio of the pizza place in downtown Birmingham. This was where they’d agreed to meet. Jack hadn’t invited them to his house; he hadn’t even invited her to his house. This meeting was separate, a thing outside his life. A secret.
Kate again looked out to the streetscape, cars passing, heat mirages working their way across the sidewalk like water. Her cell phone rang and Emily’s dad, Larry Jackson, informed her that they were running late, as they were lost.
“Jack isn’t here yet either,” she said. “Take your time.” And just as the words came out of her mouth, she saw him: Jack walking toward her with sunglasses covering his eyes, a smile when hearing his name.
“I’m here.” He sidled around the round iron table and hugged Kate. “I was hoping I’d get to see you alone for a second before they showed up. I’m nervous as hell,” he said.
“Don’t be. They are so easy to be around. So sweet. They aren’t here to judge you.”
“Okay.” He shuffled from foot to foot, his hands loose and unsure where to go or what to do.
She loved so many things about Jack, from the way he smiled to the gentleness he had with other people. The way he moved with surety through his world and then quickly showed, through the smallest gesture, a vulnerability she believed only she noticed. She adored his need to do the right thing always, his hand always finding the small of her back when she needed steadying, the way he looked at anyone and everyone when he spoke to them, as if they were the only ones in the room or even in his life. These were the things, the things of him, that she hoped the Jackson family would notice, the beauty of him that made her heart so full that nothing else fit.
“They’ll love you,” she said with absolute conviction.
“You might be biased.” He laughed that low, beautiful laugh just as they looked up and saw the Jackson family walking toward them.
“Sorry we’re late,” Larry said, holding out his hand to the father of his daughter.
“No problem,” Jack said, shaking Larry’s hand. “I’m Jack Adams.”
“Nice to meet you. I’m Larry and this is my wife, Elena, and my daughter, Emily.” He turned to face his wife and daughter, protective in his stance and words.
Jack shook Elena’s hand and then stood before Emily. She ignored his hand and threw her arms around him. “Hi, Mr. Jack. I am so happy I finally get to meet you. So happy.”
In this stunning moment, Jack forgot to hug her back. His arms dangled at his side, useless until Emily laughed and he lifted those arms and hugged her in return.
She stepped back and stared at him. “I look more like you, don’t I?”
He nodded. “I think so, yes.” He paused. “Where are your brothers?”
“Camp,” Elena said. “They go to the same camp in Maine every summer, but Emily hates camp. Hates being away from home.”
“Me too,” Jack said. “I’m a homebody, too.”
The air lightened and they sat at the table, shuffling positions in the awkwardness of the moment. When they’d settled down and the menus were handed out, it was Emily who spoke first. “Okay, I want to hear some stories. I want to know about you,” she looked at Jack. “I mean, I’ve talked to Kate a ton on e-mail and stuff, but I don’t know anything about you except the facts. And who cares about the facts?”
Elena touched her daughter’s arm. “Emily, don’t push.”
Jack smiled at Elena across the table. “She’s not pushing. I want to tell her everything. I just don’t know where to start. Ask me something.”
“Well, I mean if you guys didn’t have a first date, I wouldn’t be here, right? These are the things I’ve wondered for my whole life. How did you meet? Isn’t that what you’d wonder?” Emily looked at her dad and he nodded.
“Yes, Em. But I was just thinking that might not be where I’d start the conversation,” Larry said, his hand placed over hers, his large fingers covering his daughter’s smaller ones, her hand disappearing all together beneath his.
“Yep, Dad because you’re you and I’m me.”
“Help us all,” Elena motioned to the sky.
“We never really had a first date,” Jack said. “Katie and I grew in the same town. I don’t remember not knowing her or loving her. We went to elementary through high school together until my family moved here to Birmingham at the end of my junior year.”
“So,” Emily broke into the conversation. “You always knew each other.”
Jack laughed. “Always. She was unavoidable.” He smiled at Kate. “Inevitable.”
Kate’s skin expanded to allow his warmth to settle inside. For so many years she’d felt tight and small as if she needed to keep things enclosed and locked, as if her insides might explode if she didn’t keep control, and this unfolding was a relief.
“Inevitable?” Emily said the word as if she tasted an exotic flavor. “That’s so cool. Like I was inevitable.”
“You were,” Jack said. “Of course you were.”
“So you fell in love when you were my age?”
“I did, yes. I won’t answer for Katie.”
The conversation broke apart as the waitress came over and took orders. But it was Emily who picked up threads and continued as if they hadn’t stopped. “So, you fell in love and then what?”
Jack looked to Kate. “You want to take it from here?”
She shook her head. “Nope. She asked you. Go on.”
“Well, my family moved here and then Katie and I went to different colleges. When she graduated, Katie took this amazing job far away and we tried to see each other when we could. It was when she came to visit me here that you came to be.”
“Wow.” Emily sat back in her seat, sipping Coke through a straw. “That is awesome.”
Unasked questions, unanswerable questions, grew from “I loved her” to “adoption,” but those were left alone for the moment.
Emily slurped the last of her Coke and the lunch order was placed before them. Facts were shared about life and jobs and school. “You know,” Jack said after Emily said her favorite class was creative writing, “your aunt is a writer.”
“I know,” Emily said while taking another bite of pizza. “I read this funny blog she wrote about finding the right preschool or something like that.”
“Don’t talk with your mouth full,” Elena said, handing a napkin to Emily. Elena laid her fork on her uneaten salad and leaned forward. “Yes, that’s actually how we found you guys. We went on the Internet looking for Kate, but her sister Tara kept coming up. Hopefully, she’s handed down some of those writing skills to Emily.”
“No way I can be that good and get published for real and all that,” Emily said.
Jack took her hand. “You’re already that good. I mean, I haven’t read your writing, but you’re already that good because I know…”
Elena stood and turned. “I hate when you say that. I hate when you say you’re not good enough.” She rushed toward the bathroom, her exit so sudden that the awkward silence was unsettling, a cold wind.
Kate turned to Larry, “Is she okay?”
“Yes, this is hard for her. She just needs more space with it than the rest of us,” Larry said, glancing over his shoulder and then taking his daughter’s hand again. “She gets upset when you say you aren’t good enough at anything. She feels like it’s her fault.”
Kate’s eyes filled with tears and shame. “Is it because we were talking about my family? I’m sorry. Should I go after her?”
“No.”
“No.”
Larry and Emily spoke simultaneously.
“She’ll be fine,” Emily said. “But never, ever go after her when she leaves. Right Dad?”
He nodded. “It’s not because you talked about your family.”
Jack stood. “I think I should go now. I don’t want to cause problems. I just wanted to meet all of you.” He looked down at Emily.
Emily stood and faced him. “Mom will be sad if you leave without saying good-bye and … just stay a little bit longer. I promise it will all be fine. I promise. Just stay.”
“And who can refuse you?” he asked, that smile again on his face.
When Elena returned with her red eyes and stoic smile, good-byes were said, and shaky hugs offered. Jack and Kate stood together watching the Jackson family get in their car and wave.
“You think I made Elena upset?” Jack asked as he sat on a bench at the edge of the sidewalk and Kate sat down next to him.
“No, I don’t. But I can’t imagine how this must be for her. I mean, I don’t think this was something she imagined. We dreamed of it, but I can bet she didn’t.”
Jack nodded, his arm slipping over Kate’s shoulder, familiar.
“Can we just stay here in the warm sun for a few more minutes. Just stay here knowing that our daughter is good and fine and well?” Kate asked, quiet and leaning against him.
“We can stay here as long as you like.”
Eyes closed, warmth rushing through her hollow body, Kate felt somehow reborn and new. “The waiting was worth it. My God, she is so beautiful. And all of us sitting there together.”
“It’s more than I’d ever hoped for,” Jack said, and yet his voice was colder than the words were meant to be.
“The waiting was terrible though,” Kate said. “There were days I would’ve combed the earth for her if I’d known how.”
“Me too,” he said, his voice warming slightly. “But I couldn’t. It would’ve been terribly wrong. You can’t give something up and then ask for it back.”
Kate lifted his sunglasses so she could see the green, see the truth. “Are we talking about more than just our daughter now?”
And Then I Found You Page 16