Sam takes the plate and takes a healthy mouthful, downing half the muffin in one bite. "Mmm," he moans.
I love the sound. Even more than the sound of his laugh. And I watch him as he eats, positively riveted at how his adam’s apple moves up then down as he swallows, how his perfectly chiseled jaw rolls in rhythm as he chews, and God, how he licks the crumbs from his lips. I think of how strange it is to find such a mundane thing so fascinating.
"So," he says, when he's finished the first muffin in no more than three bites, "speaking of Dave... I wouldn't be too worried about that meeting with the dean," he says.
Well what the hell does that mean? "What? Why not? And what on earth would it have to do with Dave?" I ask.
"Well, apparently Lily was with Chelsea yesterday..."
Yes, I know this. I was there.
"She says she had no idea what Chel was gonna do, but anyway, long story short, she told the dean it was all Chel's fault. Everything."
"Why would she do that?" I ask, skeptical.
Sam picks the plate back up and starts on the second muffin. "Well, I'd like to say she had a crisis of conscience, but more likely-"
"Dave." I cut him off. "You had Dave convince her to tell the truth."
Sam narrows his eyes at me. "Well, I may have explained to him the merits of using his influence with Lily to get her to do the right thing," he admits. He pauses. "And... Chelsea's been suspended for two weeks. So she won't be back until after break," he explains. I open my mouth to speak but he holds his hand up to stop me. "And before you try to get out of going away with us, she's not coming anymore. Her mom grounded her. Cancelled her trip."
In a flash I register my shock that Chelsea's not coming, my relief, and my shock at my relief that I can still attend a trip I wasn't sure I wanted in the first place. I also wonder how it is Sam seems to anticipate my concerns, to know what I'm thinking. I had that with Cam, but Cam's and my friendship was the product of fourteen years of being inseparable. I've only known Sam a few months, and when I met him I had walls up so thick I'd never have thought anyone would break through them. How in the hell did we get here?
"Ror?"
"Yeah?" I realize I've been quiet for too long, but I don't know what to say.
"You'll still come... right? I mean, I want you there. It's our senior spring break. Chel won't be there, and that's her own damn fault, so you have no reason to change your mind about it," he insists. "I know you're worried about it, but you'll be fine, okay? It's going to be fun. You'll have your friends, and we'll have a blast."
"Yeah, I know I will. I do wanna come," I assure him, aware that I sound unsure, but my uncertainty has nothing to do with the trip, not now that I know Chelsea won't be there. It's Sam that has me confused, it's Sam that always has me confused these days, I realize, as I try to rally to get my feelings in check.
"I mean it, Ror." He leans into me, staring intently to emphasize his words.
I nod, but can tell he's not convinced.
"What is it you're worried about? Is it him? Is he still down in Florida?" he asks, and I'm momentarily stunned.
"Who? Robin?" I ask, puzzled.
Sam narrows his eyes, his entire demeanor morphing in an instant, his jaw clenches and his nostrils flare. And pitiful me can only think, he also looks adorable when he's mad.
"Is that his name?" he practically growls. I say nothing. "You're not still in contact with him, are you? Is he bothering you?" He's getting worked up, and I don't want him to get upset - not for me. I don't deserve any more of his defense. I shake my head emphatically.
"No, of course not. He can't anyway; I have a restraining order. But it ain't him. Linton's nowhere near Miami, anyway," I explain. "They may as well be in different states."
Sam visibly calms, but his brow furrows thoughtfully. "Do you still have feelings for him? I mean, I know these things can be complicated. My mom-"
"No, Sam. I hate him. Truly," I say slowly and carefully.
Sam scoots closer to me in an instant. "I'm not going to let him hurt you again," he vows, but I shake my head. I've heard that before. And it didn't work out well - for me or my protector.
"It ain't your job to protect me," I whisper. Sam glares at me.
I don't know if my words have angered him or what, but they're true. As much as I might wish things were different, I'm not his, and he's not mine, and we can never be more than friends. I wouldn't even know how to be with him if he did want me, Robin and his way of things is all I know, and the reality is, Sam doesn't want me anyway. Not as anything more than a friend.
"Nevertheless," he replies, equally meaningfully, "as my friend, I'd appreciate if you were to tell me if Robin does bother you again, in any way, okay?" The contempt in his voice as he says Robin's name is enough to strike fear into anyone.
I nod, never breaking eye contact. The lie comes more easily than usual for me. I need to focus not to bite my lip, but I handle it. Because I have no intention of doing this, of course. I know I've let Sam come to my rescue several times now, but I would never put him at risk by allowing him to fight that battle for me. Nothing good can come when teenage boys full of testosterone get all riled up in defense of someone they care about. But I also don't expect Robin would ever try to contact me again anyway, so it's a harmless lie.
"It may not be my right to protect you, Ror, but I'm going to do it anyway."
I'm pretty sure I said it wasn't his job to protect me, and I'm vaguely confused as to how such a burden could be referred to as a right. Sam rakes his fingers through his hair and closes his eyes for the shortest moment and when they open again, they've shedded their intensity. "Friends look out for each other, right?" he asks, his voice lighter.
"Right," I whisper, and Sam offers me a faint smile. Friends.
"I got you, Pine."
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
April, Last year
I haven't been sleeping. The nightmares started a couple of months ago, not long after that first night Robin decided it was time we slept together. I'd never really had bad dreams before. Not like this. I wake up in a cold sweat, sometimes sobbing, sometimes screaming, my pillow drenched from tears. A couple of times the noise woke my mother, whom my dad has convinced that I'm just upset that Robin will be leaving for college in a few months. She consoles me by saying he'll only be an hour and a half drive away, that in a little over a year I'll join him in Gainesville.
The truth is, knowing he'll be leaving is the only thing that actually consoles me. Maybe some distance is what we need. Physical distance at least. He'll go in July for football training, and the closer we get to summer, the more possessive he becomes.
I barely see Cam. I once told myself I wouldn't stop hugging my best friend to appease my boyfriend, but now, it's just so much easier to comply with Robin's demands.
He flipped out a few weeks ago when I'd hugged Cam at school. It was the anniversary of his father's death, and I tried to explain that to Robin, but he just wasn't hearing it. He said I'd embarrassed him - that I was his girl, and that I didn't belong in another man's arms. He shouted at me, saying that if I needed a hug, that he'd give me a damned hug. Only using a lot more expletives. And then he did give me a hug. He squeezed me so tightly I couldn't breathe, and only when I'd started crying and panicking did he let go. It left bruises on my arms and rib cage. Now I only hug Cam when we're alone, which is so rare these days, but I find such solace in his arms that I find myself looking so forward to those times. I tell myself that next year Robin will be gone and everything can go back to normal.
It isn't all bad though. Robin is a doting boyfriend. Most of the time he's affectionate and even sweet. He buys me a different bouquet of flowers every Saturday before taking me out, he drives forty five minutes out of town to pick me up breakfast from my favorite bakery every Sunday.
But he also gets pissed off at me much more easily than he used to. He just loses his temper. He says he's under a lot of pressure with graduation and then f
ootball training coming up, and I get that, I really do. But a few times he grabbed me so hard that my arm bruised, and once he'd even yanked out a small clump of my hair when I'd tried to walk away from an argument until he cooled down.
Because once he cools down, he's my Robin again. He's so contrite and affectionate that I know he really is sorry. He even bought me a beautiful necklace with a white gold football shaped pendant with a small solitaire diamond. I thanked him, but told him I didn't need gifts, I just needed him not to lose control. Because when he loses control, it terrifies me. He just tells me how sorry he is and how much he loves me and that I know he'd never really hurt me. And I used to believe it, but now... I mean, he has hurt me.
Even that isn't the worst of it. Because at least when he pushes me around, eventually he catches himself, he apologizes, he tries to make it up to me.
What causes my nightmares is that night after Marcus's party. And the nights it's happened again since. In fact, every weekend I'd spent at the Forbes', Robin has forced himself on me at least one of the nights I stayed over. Sometimes both nights.
It's the same every time. We kiss, he tries to go further, I tell him no, and usually he backs off. Except on those nights. On those nights, when I tell him no, he just loses control. He pins my wrists, I fight back, I sob and plead, I beg him to stop, and he never does. And every time he forces his way inside me, I freeze. I stop fighting. Every damn time. And I still don't know why. And Robin's noticed too. He says I just like to play hard to get and I stop fighting him off when he's inside me because I like it. Because I "like it rough".
But I know I don't like it. It hurts. Every time. He keeps saying that eventually I'll start liking it more, but I think I actually hate it more and more each time.
When I freeze, I start thinking about other things. Happy things. Memories usually - It makes it go faster, I think - and the happy memories usually involve Cam. And then afterwards I feel guilty. Even though rationally I know that Robin has done something awful, thinking about another man - even if not necessarily in a romantic way - while my boyfriend "makes love" to me, as Robin calls it, is just plain wrong.
I also realized that Robin hadn't worn a condom that first night. When he didn't wear one the second time either, I eventually asked him why. He said that he's going to marry me anyway, so it doesn't matter either way. He didn't elaborate, but just the thought of getting pregnant at barely seventeen, and with Robin's baby, sent me running to my doctor for birth control pills. Thank goodness my mom understood and came with me. I didn't tell her Robin won't wear a condom, just that I wanted to be extra careful. I also didn't tell Robin I take the pills, I'm not sure how he'd react.
Now that it's spring, the weather has gotten hotter again. It'll get hotter still as summer returns. I spend all my time at school, with Robin, cheering at basketball games - the only time I really spend with the girls - or trying to sneak in time with Cam.
But Cam has noticed something is off with me. I catch him casting suspicious glances my way at school or when we're all out, and though I plaster on my fake "everything is okay" smile, Cam's a tough one to fool. At least for me. He knows me too damn well. It's like that damned wasp sting all over again.
I've all but completely stopped wearing anything but jeans, except when Robin starts to complain, and then I'll wear a dress on a day that I know we won't be alone together. I hope that if I wear skirts less frequently, people won't think that I "want it", as Robin put it. That Robin won't think that I want it. Because I don't. But today and Friday there are basketball games after school and so I have to wear my uniform.
I grab a banana for breakfast and am about to head outside to wait for Robin to drive me to school when my dad surprises me by calling me into his study. "That you, Sleepin' Beauty? Come in here a minute, will ya?"
I dutifully obey. "Yes, daddy?" I stand in the doorway.
He puts down the documents he'd been poring over and removes his reading glasses.
"Bobby mentioned that Rob invited you to go down to Gainesville with him this weekend," he says. He's right, Robin has to drive down for a kind of orientation program with the athletics department and he wanted me to spend the weekend with him there, but I told Robin that I didn't think my parents would go for it. "I think it's a good idea. I mean, you'll be goin' there in a little over a year and all you've ever seen is the football stadium. And we haven't been to a Gators game in what? Three years?"
Five actually.
"It'll be a good chance for you to tour the campus," he continues as he scrolls through his phone for what I assume are work emails.
I fidget with my necklace, and for a few ounces of white gold, it weighs heavily around my neck. As I nervously shift from foot to foot, I search for the courage to talk to a father I've barely interacted with in years.
"Um, Daddy, I've been thinkin' actually... I was thinkin' maybe I'd like to apply to NYU. Do undergrad in New York. You know, like Mom." My voice is a shaky whisper and I wonder where the tough girl who never had any problem saying what was on her mind has disappeared to. This gets my father's attention though. He puts his phone down on his desk and glares at me.
"Now I know we haven't discussed it much lately, but you've always wanted to go to UFL. Your whole life. Why would you want to go to New York?" he asks.
I shrug and sit down on the club chair opposite his desk. "I just think it would be a good experience for me," I murmur.
"Aurora, I don't think that's a good idea. And anyway, Robbie will be in Gainesville, why would you want to be anywhere else?" he asks.
I shrug again.
My father sighs. "Listen, relationships are tough. Have you any idea how hard it would be for you and Rob to make it if you're in different states?"
"I know, Daddy, I'm just not sure it's what I want," I whisper. My father leans forward in his chair, placing both elbows on his desk.
"Aurora, Rob is about to be a college quarterback on his way to the NFL. Do you know how many girls will be throwin' themselves at him? You've always been naive when it comes to these things, but you need to be there with him. Jesus, he's already talkin' to his daddy about proposing and marriage. Did you even know that? He loves you! And you're 'not sure'? What is wrong with you?" He's using the tone he reserves for lecturing me. I haven't heard it in a while. I suppose I haven't done anything that's warranted his attention. But his question hits me hard. What is wrong with me? It's a question I've asked myself over and over for months.
"Look, Aurora, you're just scared. It's normal, you know, cold feet and all that. But he loves you, and you love him. You're a lucky girl." He pauses and takes a deep breath. "You'll go spend the weekend with him in Gainesville and you'll get to see how great it will be. Goin' to college with your future husband. Not havin' to be apart. If you're worried about me and your mother, don't be - you're goin' to marry the boy, I accept that you're intimate with him."
I gasp. I don't know what to do, what to say. But I do know that I can't go away with Robin for a whole weekend. It's bad enough when I stay over there, but at least his parents are around and it's only late at night that he can really get me alone. As I imagine being alone in a hotel room with Robin, I start to panic. He would be like a dog with a bone. And that'd be me - the bone - all chewed up and dirty for the sake of his enjoyment. I don't have a choice, I can't let this happen.
As soon as I realize that I'm about to tell my father the truth about me and Robin, I expect to feel terror, but I don't. I feel relief.
Somewhere, down this long, dark, road, I can see a glimmer of light. Of hope. That I won't have to endure this with Robin for much longer, because love or not, I can't be with him anymore, and I certainly can't agree to marry him. Not now, not ever. The thought of becoming his wife - of a forever of this - gives me courage. The words will be hard to say, but once my father hears them, I know he will help me. No matter how disconnected we've been these past few years, my father will protect me. After all, that's his job, isn't it? I ta
ke a calming breath and rally my courage.
"No, Daddy, you don't understand. Robin - he... we are intimate, yes, but... he hurt me, Daddy." I realize my voice is too low, but the words are so difficult to force out. Especially with my father glaring at me like that.
"What are you talkin' about, Aurora?" he asks.
I lose it. Tears stream down my cheeks and I choke back a sob before continuing. "He... he forced himself on me! I told him I wasn't ready. I didn't wanna do it! But he made me," I cry.
My father registers no reaction whatsoever, but his anxious swallow tells me he's hearing me. Moments pass while I try to get a hold of myself.
"Aurora, you must be mistaken. Robin Forbes is a good man. He loves you. He could be with any girl he chooses, why would he have to force anyone to do anything? Do you understand how serious an accusation like that is?" His voice is calm, his tone accusatory, but not toward Robin, toward me.
"Yes, of course I know how serious it is!"
"When did this happen?"
"The first time-"
"The first time?! How many times are you sayin' there were?!" Now my father's emotions are getting ahold of him and I'm grateful. He's finally understanding what's happened.
"A few... six... maybe more," I whisper. My father calms again, he looks pensively out the window for a full minute before replying.
"So you mean to tell me, that Robin Forbes raped you - because that is what you're accusing him of, Aurora, rape - and you told no one, and not only did you tell no one, but you continued to go back for more?" His voice is deathly calm and I can't speak.
My God, he's right, I allowed Robin to get away with this for months. It's all my fault. Maybe not the first time, but every time after that. I'm completely responsible.
"Yes," I breathe.
My father shakes his head. He looks disgusted.
"Aurora, you're confused. There's obviously been a misunderstanding. Robin is your boyfriend, he's eighteen, and you're practically an adult, too. If you didn't want to be intimate with him, then you obviously didn't communicate that by spending all of your time dating him, not to mention the way you've been dressing. What's a man supposed to think when his girlfriend prances around him in those short skirts like you do? He would never do that to you if he didn't think you wanted to do it, too. Robin loves you."
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