SinSatiable

by Shelia E. Bell

  “Aisha, are you okay in there?” she asked in a soft like whisper.

  “Yes, I’m fine. I’ll be out in a minute.”

  Tameria finished cleaning Aisha’s bedroom. When Aisha came out of the bathroom, Tameria was seated in the wingback chair next to Aisha’s bedroom window.

  “You want some soup or something?”

  “No, I’m not hungry. Tameria?”

  “Yes?”

  “Thanks for coming over here and being the friend that you are. I feel like my whole life has spun out of control. The funny thing is, I don’t remember how it happened.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me you were in trouble?”

  In a sarcastic voice, Aisha responded, “I’m not in trouble. Unless being in trouble means missing my father and feeling guilty for not being there when he died. Or maybe you’re talking about the fact that my mother hates me now and I feel so alone. I can’t even pray right now, Tameria.” Aisha started to cry, something she hadn’t done since the day they buried her father. She felt like she didn’t deserve to shed tears of grief because she had let her father down.

  “I’m talking about this.” Tameria held up the vial. “Why didn’t you tell me you were on drugs? Why?” Tameria pleaded.

  A stunned look spread over Aisha’s face.

  “Who are you supposed to be? Some private eye. You had no right to search through my things. No right at all,” Aisha screamed.

  “No, see that’s where you’re wrong. I have every right. I’m your best friend. You can try to avoid the issue if you want to. You can try to blame me for being a snoop. Whatever you want to say is fine, but when you get finished I still want to know how you, of all people, Aisha, could do something like this.

  Aisha felt like nothing. Tameria had always admired her, looked up to her and respected her for her Christian values. Now here she was standing before Tameria feeling like the lowest of the low. Is this what hitting rock bottom means? She questioned herself.

  The anger in Aisha’s voice turned to a shallow whisper. “I, I didn’t know how to tell you. It happened so fast. I went from abhorring the very thought of drugs to needing a hit every day all day. I can’t explain it. It, it just happened. That’s all I know to say.”

  “Well, that’s not good enough. I’m sorry if I sound harsh. But I won’t let you give me some half-ass excuse. I can’t. When was the last time you really looked in the mirror? You look like a walking skeleton. I thought it was because you were stressed about the studio. Since you eat like a rabbit anyway, I didn’t think too much of it when I saw you at the hospital. But drugs? Oh my God. Talk to me. Tell me if any of this has to do with this part time job you have. Because it seems like that’s when you began to change.”

  Aisha paused, thinking about whether she should confide in Tameria. There was nothing the two of them hadn’t been able to share. But this time things were different. They were both adults now and some things, no matter how close you were to someone, just couldn’t be shared. She looked at Tameria again. Tameria’s gaze remained fixed on her.

  “I’m waiting,” Tameria spoke up and said in a hurtful voice.

  “All I can tell you is that I’m in way over my head. You know I needed money desperately to keep my studio going.”

  “Go on,” Tameria encouraged her.

  “I couldn’t let the studio go under. If I lost that building, you and I both know it wouldn’t have been long before everything would have started to fall apart. I couldn’t allow that to happen.”

  “What happened to having faith and trusting God, Aisha? All the things you used to tell me about? When that man first told you about buying the building you really didn’t seek God’s will about it. You know that and I know that. Instead, you panicked and started making things work the way you thought they should work.”

  Aisha didn’t open her mouth.

  “Remember, when my parents wanted me to become a teacher because the both of them were teachers? What did you tell me Aisha?”

  Aisha didn’t budge from her spot on the bed. Her wet body was still wrapped in her bath towel. The natural air in the room slowly dried her. “That was different,” Aisha said under her breath.

  “No, that’s where you’re wrong. Because it wasn’t different. You told me to pray and seek God’s will and purpose for my life. You reminded me that all of my young life I had believed that it was God’s will for me to be a doctor. You told me that I had to do what God wanted me to do and become what God ordained me to become. You prayed for me and with me Aisha. You prayed for my parents and for my future. And God showed me and them what He wanted for me when I got a full four year scholarship to attend college. Then remember when I got a stipend for room, board, books, meals and transportation when I entered medical school? All because I sought God and waited for Him to do what He willed in my life.” Crocodile tears streamed from Tameria’s eyes with each word she spoke. “Aisha, I don’t know what you’ve gotten yourself involved in and honestly I don’t care. But what I do care about is you finding your way back to God, back to the only one who can deliver you from this evil.” Tameria held up the vial again in front of Aisha. “He’s the only way and you know it.”

  “But I feel so foolish. I feel dirty and disgusting. You don’t know the half of what’s been going on in my life these last few months.”

  “Then tell me. I’m listening.”

  “When I found out about the building going up for sale, I told the parents of my students that I was going to increase my fees.” Aisha wiped tears away from her eyes.

  “Keep talking,” Tameria insisted.

  “At the Mayor’s charity ball, one of my student’s mother told me about a job that would pay me a lot of money in a short amount of time. I know. You don’t have to say it. I should have known then that it wasn’t something that was in my best interest. But I listened to her proposition anyway. I was in a state of panic because I didn’t want to have to tell my students that the dance studio would have to close. So when she…”

  “Wait, wait right there. Who is this she that you’re talking about?”

  “Elisa Santana.”

  “Gabby’s mother?”

  “Yes. Gabby’s mother.”

  “But isn’t she a stripper?”

  “She’s an exotic dancer. There’s a difference.”

  “I don’t know who you think you’re talking to. But you know and I know that’s just a fancy name for stripping. But anyway, keep talking. I’m listening.”

  “I know you’re probably going to think badly of me. But at the time, I thought I could do it for just a few weeks, get the rest of the money I needed to buy the building and that would be the end of it.”

  “Are you telling me that you’re a stripper?” Tameria tried to hide the deep disappointment she felt. She didn’t want to pass judgment on Aisha, but at the same time she couldn’t believe that Aisha could stoop so low as to defile her body by displaying it to God knows who.

  “Not a stripper, Tameria. I’m a private dancer. I dance for wealthy clients at a private men’s association.”

  “Please tell me I’m not hearing this. Please, Aisha. Tell me this isn’t true.”

  “Believe me. I wish I could. But I can’t. That’s where I was the night Daddy died. Elisa called and told me a huge bonus was in it for me if I could dance for one of the new members of the association. So I told her I would do it. I left the hospital, went to the association and got dressed. I had only planned to be away from the hospital for a couple of hours. My employer took me to the client’s house. I started dancing for him but he wanted more and I wasn’t about to give him what he wanted.

  “You mean he wanted to have sex with you?”

  “Yes. But believe me, Tameria, I have never given my virginity to any one. I made that vow to God and to you. I would never give my body to anyone but my husband. You know that.”

  “Do you know how ridiculous you sound?” Tameria rose from the chair and walked toward Aisha. Her voice esc
alated and she pointed her fingers in anger at Aisha. “Well, let me tell you how you sound. You sound like a fool, a hypocrite Aisha.” Tameria shouted. “On one hand you’re telling me that you haven’t given your body to any of these tricks. And yes I said tricks because that’s what these men are. And you may as well have given it to them because you had them lusting over you Aisha. Maybe you didn’t go all the way, but you still gave your body to who knows how many men, just in a different kind of way. Now you want to sit here and sound all sorry and pitiful and try to make me believe that you’re still little miss church lady? Well, I don’t think so.”

  Aisha’s face had turned beet red. She’d never seen Tameria so angry. Not in all the years of their friendship had Tameria lashed out at her like she was doing now. But Tameria was right. How could she even try to justify her actions?

  “I’m so sorry. I really am. But think of how I feel about myself now. I not only gave in to something that was totally against my Christian morals but I succumbed to using drugs. The first night I was supposed to dance I was so uptight, so afraid Tameria. Elisa offered me a valium to relax my nerves and that was the beginning of my addiction. I went from using valium to cocaine. Little by little I began to want baby girl more and more.” Aisha cried and looked at the vial of cocaine.

  Tameria held the vial up in front of Aisha’s nose. “Baby girl?” Is that what you call this stuff?

  “Yes.” Aisha hung her head down and turned away. “I can’t do this anymore,. I’ve said too much already. Please, just go. I have to be alone right now.”

  Tameria hated to admit it, but she was glad Aisha wanted her to leave. She couldn’t digest all of what Aisha had just confessed to her. She needed time away from her to think and pray about the things Aisha had confessed. Tameria drew in a deep breath before she spoke again. Maybe she had been too harsh. Aisha was human. She was subject to the same mistakes as anybody else. Tameria thought about the sin she’d committed with Chase that she hadn’t told Aisha about. Only God, Chase and she knew that she was no longer a virgin. So how could she condemn Aisha? Aisha got up from the side of the bed and began walking toward the hallway. She wanted Tameria to leave right away. The shame she felt was too great.

  “Sure, I’ll leave. But before I go, let me say this. I know I sound like I’m condemning you for the choices you’ve made. And I’m sorry for that. Regardless of what you’ve done, you’re still my best friend and when you hurt, I hurt. I love you. I just wish I could have been there for you and that you would have come to me before things escalated out of control the way they did. But just like you’ve always told me, God forgives. When He died, He died for our past sins, the sins we commit now and the sins we will commit in the future. We will sin every day of our lives for the rest of our lives, so please, please don’t sit in this apartment and beat up on yourself, Aisha. God doesn’t condemn us, so don’t condemn yourself. Maybe you should get some counseling.” Tameria hugged her before she turned to leave.

  ♦

  Bright and early the next morning, the piercing sun poked through Aisha’s window shades. She rose up and sat upright in the bed and began to pray.

  “Lord, please forgive me. I need your help. I can’t fight this battle by myself any longer.” When she finished a calm peace had filled her body. For the first time in months she felt a heaviness leaving her. She climbed out of bed, took a bubble bath and prepared herself for the eleven o’clock church service. It had been weeks since she’d graced the doors of Greater Faith but she was determined to go, no matter what kind of thoughts were going through her mind. She leafed through her walk-in closet. After several minutes, she settled on wearing a dusty rose cascading dress and a pair of black Astor pumps. After finishing up with light touches of makeup, she grabbed her cell phone and purse then set out to church.

  Her cell phone rang minutes before she turned down Elvis Presley Boulevard. This time she decided to answer when she heard Elisa’s ring tone. “Hello, Elisa” she said in a voice that lacked enthusiasm.

  “I can’t believe you finally decided to answer the phone. I’ve been worried sick about you. How are you? I’ve called the studio and Angie wouldn’t give me any information. She just said you were taking some time off because of your father’s death.”

  “No need to worry Elisa. I’m fine. I just need some time alone, that’s all.”

  “I understand. And I feel really bad about your father, Aisha.” Elisa sounded genuine and Aisha accepted her sentiments.

  “Thanks. And look, I know you and Jason have been calling and leaving messages, but I just haven’t been able to talk to anyone.”

  “I understand. Believe me I do. I just wanted to hear your voice and believe it or not, Jason is concerned about you too. He really is. We’ve been by your apartment several times as well.”

  “Like I said, I’m sorry. Look, I’m about to turn into the church parking lot so I have to go right now. I’ll call you in a day or two. You take care Elisa.”

  “Sure, I will. Bye now.

  “Oh, wait, Elisa.”

  “What is it?”

  “How is Gabby?” She’s fine. She asks about you all the time. I don’t know if you know it or not, but the studio isn’t holding many classes since you took time off.”

  “Yes, I know. Anyway, I’m thinking about closing it for a while. I need time to get my own life in order. You know what I mean?”

  “I think I do. But you go on in church. Say a prayer for me, okay?”

  “Yeah, I’ll do that. I just hope God still wants to hear from me,” Aisha said with a grim look and squeezed in a parking space.

  CHAPTER 29

  Aisha shuffled inside Greater Faith Community Church with the rest of the crowd. The church was filled to overflowing and this was the third service of the morning. She scanned over the crowd for familiar faces. Several members spoke to her as she made her way down to the middle section of the church.

  “Girl, where have you been lately?” asked a woman named Paulette who Aisha used to sit next to at the nine o’clock service. Aisha turned, looked at her and smiled. “I’ve been working a second job. How have you been?”

  “Oh fine. I can’t complain. Like they say, it won’t do any good anyway.”

  “I know that’s right,” Aisha agreed.

  “Do you still have your dance studio?”

  “Well, yes and no. I mean right now I’ve closed it for a while. Since my father passed, I just haven’t been in the frame of mind to do too much of anything.”

  “Oh, that’s right. I heard that Mr. Carlisle passed. I’m sorry about that,” Paulette said and laid her hand over Aisha’s in a sympathetic gesture before leaving. “It’s good to see you Aisha. You take care of yourself and remember that nothing is too hard for God.”

  “Sure will, see you, Paulette.” Aisha hoped that no one else would say anything to her. She wanted the service to start to avoid any more such uncomfortable encounters. When she was active in church, she had done the same thing Paulette did when she ran into someone she hadn’t seen at church for a while. Now she knew how those people felt and decided that if that ever happened again, she would just say hello and keep on stepping. She skimmed through the church bulletin at the order of service and the weekly announcements.

  The sound of a man’s voice interrupted her reading by calling her name, “Aisha, Aisha Carlisle is that you?” Aisha jerked her head up to meet the sound of the gentleman’s voice. She barely recognized him. It had been several years since she’d seen Leland Parker. After graduating from high school he had joined the Peace Corps and that was the last she’d seen or head from him. It wasn’t like they were ever close friends but like Paulette they had been members of Greater Faith since they were youngsters. They used to be active in youth functions around the church and participated in almost everything that had to do with the youth. But when they became adults, they went their separate ways.

  “Leland, right?”

  “Yeah, in the flesh,” he g
rinned and his glistening uneven teeth seemed to sparkle. He sat down next to her and immediately began talking. “How’ve you been?”

  “Pretty good. Are you still in the Peace Corps?”

  “No. I’ve finished with that. I just made it home a few months ago. , What are you up to these days?”

  “I own a dance studio in South Memphis,” she remarked without much excitement.

  “Wow that sounds great. How’s your friend, Tameria? You two still thick as thieves?”

  “Yeah, we are. She’s doing fine. She’s in her second year of medical residency.”

  “Gosh, I sure would like to see her. You know I always had a crush on her,” he added. “I haven’t seen her at church since I returned but of course I guess with the growth of this church, it’s easy to do. Like you for instance, I’ve been here every Sunday and Wednesday evening since I made it back to town but this is the first time I’ve run into you.”