by Helen Brooks
"Half a million lost in a futile gesture, but I didn't care. I still don't."
He stopped, turning to look out of the window with his back towards her.
"I couldn't believe I'd lived with someone, shared my life and my bed with them, and not known them. None of it had been real--the love, the sharing, the laughter. Oh, we used to have rows, mainly about my work, which I could understand. She was frustrated being at home with a child and I wasn't home enough--the isolation used to drive her mad."
_She waited, hardly daring to breathe as he paused. "The worst thing, the worst thing of all was that I couldn't let myself think of Carrie for a time after that. She and Miranda were somehow linked together and I had to blank them both to survive. It got better..." He turned to face her now, taking a deep hard breath.
"It had to," he said simply.
She rose slowly and walked over to him, putting her small hands against his chest as she looked up into his ravaged face.
"I don't know what to say," she said softly. "I thought it was bad with
Matthew, the grief, the anger, but I couldn't have got through what you did."
"Yes, you would have done." He had tensed at her touch but made no effort to touch her, his body taut and still as he looked down at her.
"You've got more guts than any other lady I know."
"Wolf--' " You've got to hear it all, Lydia. " He moved away as though her close proximity hurt him, and she stood bereft, her heart thudding. Was he going to tell her all this and then leave? He was capable of it, she knew that, and she had no idea where all this was leading.
"I was in a mess for a long, long time, poison to myself and everyone else," he continued grimly.
"Truth became an obsession with me, as did the conviction that I could never trust another woman--they were good for one thing and one thing only." She flinched and he nodded slowly.
"That's how it was, Lydia, I'm not going to dress it up with fancy words and phrases. I had affairs with women who knew the score, were free and wanted a good time. There are plenty about," he added cynically.
"Then one day a blonde fireball stormed into my office _and put me in my place more effectively than it has ever been done before."
"It's been done before?" she asked, in a voice she had trouble keeping steady.
"Well, no..." His face relaxed for a moment.
"I've never been any good at taking criticism, believe it or not."
"I do." She didn't know if she could take much more of this without breaking down completely, she really didn't.
"And I thought, this one actually says it as it is." His voice held the note of amazement he must have felt at the time.
"No beating about the bush, no flannel, straight for the jugular. And then..." He stopped now and his eyes held hers steadily.
"And then I came into the office and found you in a huddle with the guy I knew was pulling a fast one."
"Mike was--' " No, I don't want to know. “He held her glance firmly. "
Whatever it is, I know you weren't involved with him now. "
"How?" she asked faintly.
"Because last night I walked the streets for hours and finally listened to my heart for the first time in years," he said slowly.
"I used to do it all the time once, before--' He stopped.
"And then I lost the knack--' " Whether you want to hear it or not, Mike is the husband of a close friend of mine," she said quickly as he paused for breath.
"I'd forgotten he worked for you and then he came in the office and asked me to keep quiet about it, said you didn't like your secretary to be friendly with the other employees--' _" He's a cute one. “He looked at her wryly.
"And you were worried how he'd survive after he left my employ? The guy will be the next prime minister."
"Wolf, I'm so sorry--' " I love you, Lydia. “There was all the emotion she could ever have wanted in his face, and as her heart began thudding she watched the ice-blue eyes mist over. “I mean I really love you. Not a for-the-time-being love. I've loved you from the minute I set eyes on you, can you believe that? “he asked, with a shred of desperation in his voice.
She tried to smile, but as her mouth quivered he moved across the short space separating them and pulled her into him, his body shaking almost as violently as hers.
"I don't deserve to ask but I'm going to anyway. Last night--last night you told me you cared. Have I destroyed that? Can you forgive me?"
The forgive you? “Her voice was muffled against his hard chest but it felt so good, so good, she would never have believed how good.
"But I've lied to you, it was all my fault--' “No. " He moved her into the circle of his arms, staring down at her mouth.
"I put you in an impossible position from the word go, I realised that last night as I roamed the city. You have Hannah to support, this house... What the hell were you supposed to do?"
"But I shouldn't have lied." She stared up at him weakly.
"And you were right, there were lots of times I could have told you about
Matthew--' “I don't care about Matthew. “His hand traced the line of her lips as his eyes devoured her.
"I don't care about _any damn thing except you. I treated you badly when you first came to work for me, I know that, but I was despising myself for the way I felt when I knew you were married, and I wasn't sure how Mike fitted into the scheme of things. I wanted you, you'll never know how much I wanted you. The number of times I wanted to lay you out on that office floor--' He shut his eyes for a second.
"And I kept telling myself it was a physical hunger, nothing more, nothing unusual. I was angry you were married, but relieved too. It took the ball out of my court--fait accompli."
She was still holding back, she didn't know why. It was too much, she couldn't take it in. He loved her? But all the time he had been so cold, so aloof. "And then I found out he'd left. It scared the hell out of me. I didn't sleep for nights. I knew a brief affair wasn't possible, you weren't that sort of woman and my feelings were too deep and dangerous for that anyway, but if I let you in, just the tiniest bit, I was vulnerable again like the rest of the suckers out there. I couldn't take it, Lydia."
"But you were so cold, so full of contempt," she murmured softly. She wanted to believe him, oh, she did, but after what he'd been through, how did he know this was real for him?
"Aimed mainly at myself," he said grimly as though he could read her mind.
"I tried to keep you at a distance but it wasn't working. You were everything I wanted in a woman--soft, gentle, innocent, and yet with a determination and an honesty that--' "Don't." She flinched at the last words, her face changing.
_"You are honest, Lydia." He cupped her face in his hands.
"I want to kiss you, but if I do I shan't be able to think any more, to convince you, and I need to convince you, don't I? I can see it in your eyes.
Have I hurt you too much? I tried to convince myself yesterday that I needn't take the cataclysmic step, that you were just like Miranda, saying one thing and living a lie. But I couldn't. I've never loved anyone like I love you and I never shall again. You have my heart, Lydia. It isn't much of a gift and you deserve better, but it is wholly yours. "
"Kiss me." She reached up to him, her heart in her eyes.
"Kiss me. I don't want to talk any more."
"Lydia..." His voice was a groan, and as he took her mouth she became mindless beneath his, her body fluid and soft as his hands moved down her body in a passionate caress. Her arms clung round his neck as they swayed together in an agony of love, their mouths fusing in an endless kiss that was pure sensation.
"I love you, Lydia, for pity's sake say you'll marry me. Nothing else will do. I want to love you, take care of you, protect you, be a father to
Hannah. I want everything, all of it, all of you. Hell--' he moved her slightly from him to look into her starry eyes '--say something, woman, you're torturing me."
"Love me." She breathed in the smell
of him as she clung to the hard-muscled body, her mind spinning. "Love me now."
"No." He moved her to arm's length now, his eyes steady.
"I want an answer in cold blood, not the heat of the moment. I want to hear you say you love me."
"I do." She stared at his dark, handsome face as her _head cleared, and then drew back a little, a touching uncertainty in her face. This was too sudden.
Too great a change-about.
"What if you change your mind, if it begins to go wrong?" she asked faintly.
"Do you love me?" he persisted grimly.
"More than life."
"Then we'll discuss it going wrong on our twenty-fifth wedding anniversary," he said, his voice thick now as his hand traced one swollen nipple through the soft silk of her blouse.
"That should give us enough time to consider if we've done the right thing."
And then there was nothing but fiery, heady pleasure as his mouth fastened on hers again, the kiss deepening to a primitive assault on her senses that was an act of possession in itself. She moaned softly in her throat, lost in a mounting exultation that he loved her. He loved her.
EPILOGUE
'Well, Mrs. Strade? " Lydia stretched languorously as a possessive, skilled hand stroked her dreamily out of sleep before it settled on one firm, full breast as its partner continued its erotic assault on her body.
"Fifteen years to go."
"What?" She opened drowsy eyes to find Wolf propped on one elbow as he surveyed her through those silver-blue eyes that she had once imagined were as cold as ice. There was fire beneath the ice, she knew that now, and she also knew it was just for her.
He moved slightly, pulling her more beneath him, and as she felt one hard-muscled leg on hers, the body-hair furry against her softness, her body responded as it always did.
"Only another fifteen years to go before you tell me if I'm to get my marching orders." The hard, chiselled face was tender and warm as he looked down into her sleep-flushed face, and the curling hair on his chest tickled her breasts as he bent to deposit a swift kiss on her mouth before resuming his original position. "Don't tell me you've forgotten this is our tenth wed- ding-anniversary?" he asked softly.
"Of course I haven't." Her indignation was lost under his mouth as it swooped down in hard passion now and took possession of hers, turning her bones to water as it did its devastating work on her senses.
"You're nice to wake up to, Mrs. Strade." He ran a _slow, satisfied finger over her curves, leaving a trail of fire in its wake.
"And nice to go to sleep with, and nice ' " Oh, you! “She flicked him laughingly on one muscled shoulder as she thought again how lucky she was to have this man for her own.
"And you adore me, don't you...?" He kissed her throat lingeringly.
"So I'll take my present now." He raised his head again and looked down into her flushed face, his eyes hot and the firm mouth she had thought so severe smiling with sensual anticipation. She shivered delightedly.
"Your present?" She arched provocatively beneath him, deliberately misunderstanding him.
"I might not have bought you a present."
"Oh, you have." He drew back the dark red sheet and feasted his eyes on her pale, slim body spread out to his gaze.
"And it's tasty, very tasty."
"Wolf..." She giggled as he eyed her wickedly, his mouth curving in the boyish grin that was so at odds with the hard, male face.
"What about the children? I have to ' " You don't have to do anything but please me. “The arrogance was intentional and satisfied.
"You know how Hannah enjoys the infants let her have her moment of fun with them before the day begins."
"But the protest was lost as he drew her against him, the feel of his magnificent body sending all lucid thought out of her head. It still amazed her, this passion that was a white-hot flame every time he touched her.
Playful, tender, fierce, lusty however he made love to her the result was the same, a total melting of her body _in a wave of overwhelming pleasure that left no room for anything else.
She wouldn't have believed a man's body could work such magic on her senses, but since that very first time, when he had possessed her so completely the rest of the world had shattered into a million pieces, the mere feel of him was enough to set her body tingling. He was a devastating lover. She opened her eyes now as his dark head bent to her breasts, their peaks already swollen and ripe in anticipation of his caress.
And an incredible father. James had been born five years after their marriage Wolf had insisted he wanted a few years to enjoy her and get to know
Hannah before they had children of their own with Edward following a year later and little Jane Carrie eighteen months after that.
He had never shown any partiality towards his own children at the cost of
Hannah, indeed he seemed to have a special relationship with Matthew's daughter that his own children couldn't touch. Hannah had healed his stark grief over his first daughter in a way Lydia could never have hoped to do, accepting Wolf totally from the first moment and showering him with childish love and affection, clearly delighted with her 'new daddy'. She was nearly fourteen now and breathtakingly lovely, and the other children adored their big sister as she did them.
"Wolf?" She raised his head upwards as she slid down the bed a little to meet his face.
"I have got a present for you, you know."
"As I expected, wench." He took the delay in their lovemaking with indulgent good humour, knowing she wouldn't be able to resist him for long.
_"I'm just not sure if you'll really like it." She was still holding his face, wedged as she was under his body, and he smiled slowly, his eyes slumberous.
"I'll like it." He moved his body slightly and she gasped with pleasure.
"Well?" He moved on to his elbows and looked down at her, his eyes narrowed.
"The thing is, I've given you similar ones before."
"You have?"
"But this is a little different." He smiled at her teasing and did something with his hands that had her breathing more quickly as shivers of sensation flickered over her body.
"It comes in pairs."
"Pairs?" Now she had all his attention as he rolled to one side, his face straightening.
"You aren't saying...?"
"Twins." She grinned at him happily.
"It was confirmed yesterday."
"Twins." He shut his eyes for a moment and then gave a laugh of sheer delight.
"Twins." He sat up in the bed looking ridiculously pleased with himself before his expression altered.
"And you're all right?"
She loved him for the immediate concern.
"Of course." She placed a satisfied hand over the faint mound of her stomach.
"Or I will be when you give me my present."
"I'll just get it--' as he went to move from the bed she caught his arm indignantly.
"Wolf!"
"You know I love you?" He fell back against her with a low chuckle.
"Really love you?" -Now his eyes were serious and his mouth was tender with something that caught at her heartstrings.
"You are my sun, moon and stars, my darling, the air I breathe and my lifeblood..."
"As you are mine."
He took her mouth in a long, passionate kiss that awakened both their bodies anew to the delights to come, arid then, as his mouth began an erotic downward spiral over her satin-smooth flesh, she shut her eyes as she murmured his name.
"My darling, my own Wolf..."
And then words weren't necessary as he took her with him into the heights.
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