by Dan Gutman
“Man, that lady is really serious about overdue library books,” said Ryan.
Mr. Cooper did one of those spinning leg kicks, but Super Librarian blocked it, and he fell on the floor. It was exciting! We were all glued to our seats.
Well, not really. Why would anybody glue themselves to a seat? That would be weird. How would you get the glue off?
“I don’t approve of all this violence,” said Andrea. “It sets a bad example for children.”
“What do you have against violins?” I asked.
“Not violins, Arlo!” said Andrea. “Violence! I don’t approve of violence!”
“Can you possibly be more boring?” I asked.
After a few more vicious karate chops and kicks, Mr. Cooper fell down again. Super Librarian jumped on top of him and pinned him to the floor.
“Say uncle!” shouted Super Librarian.
“Uncle,” groaned Mr. Cooper.*
Super Librarian got up off Mr. Cooper and helped him stand up.
“I’ll take this book back to the library, where it belongs,” said Super Librarian.
“I’m sorry it was overdue,” said Mr. Cooper.
“I accept your apology,” said Super Librarian. “See that it doesn’t happen again. And I hope you kids will be sure to always return your books to the library. If you don’t, you will face the wrath of . . . Super Librarian!”
Then she picked up the overdue book and dashed out of the room.
Mrs. Roopy is loopy.
We were in the vomitorium eating lunch. I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Michael had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Neil and Alexia had peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. In case you were wondering, we all had peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
Well, everyone except Ryan. He had a jelly and peanut butter sandwich. He likes to do things backward. One time Ryan invented the wichsand, which is a sandwich with the stuff on the outside and the bread in the middle.
“Mr. Cooper is weird,” I said to the gang. “He’s always falling down and tripping over his own feet.”
“He’s kind of a doofus,” said Ryan.
We all laughed, because “doofus” is a funny word. It’s hard to say “doofus” without laughing.
“Yeah, superheroes aren’t supposed to fall down so much,” said Alexia.
“Shhhhhh!” whispered Neil. “Mr. Cooper might hear you.”
“How could he possibly hear us?” asked Michael.
“Maybe he has superhearing,” whispered Neil. “He told us he can make himself invisible. He may be standing behind us right now!”
We all turned around. Mr. Cooper wasn’t there. Just to be on the safe side, I took out a pen and wrote a secret message on my napkin. . . .
MAYBE MR. COOPER ISN’T A REAL TEACHER.
I showed my napkin to the gang. They all grabbed pens and started writing secret messages on their napkins. . . .
Alexia: MAYBE HE LOCKED OUR REAL TEACHER IN AN ABANDONED BARN!
Ryan: AND HE’S GOING TO SET IT ON FIRE!
Michael: I SAW THAT IN A MOVIE ONCE.
Neil: STUFF LIKE THAT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME.
Me: FIRE IS COOL.
At the next table, Andrea and Emily were looking over at us.
“What are you doing?” Andrea asked.
“We’re writing secret messages,” I told her, “so Mr. Cooper can’t use his superhearing to listen to what we’re saying.”
“Oh.” Andrea sat back down. She had on her worried face, like she was expecting an asteroid to strike the earth or something.
“What’s bugging you?” I asked her. “Did you get an A minus on something?”
“I’m worried about Mr. Cooper,” Andrea replied.
“What about him?”
“My mom is a psychologist,” Andrea said, “and she told me that when people dress up in costumes all the time, it’s because they’re sad and lonely and don’t like their own lives.”
“What? That’s crazy!” I said. “Maybe Mr. Cooper just likes dressing up in superhero costumes.”
“Or maybe he really is a superhero,” said Alexia.
“Or maybe he’s just sad and lonely and he needs a hug,” said Emily.
“Well, how are we going to find out which it is?” asked Neil the nude kid.
That’s when I came up with the greatest idea in the history of the world.
“Let’s go sneak around and spy on him!” I suggested.
“Yeah!” everybody agreed. Even Andrea and Emily.
Spying on people is cool. We cleaned off our trays and sneaked out of the vomitorium. Then we sneaked down the hallway. Then we sneaked over to our classroom.
I was the first one to peek inside. I saw Mr. Cooper through the little window in the door.
“He’s in there!” I told the gang.
“Shhhhhh!” Everybody shushed me.
“What’s he doing?” asked Andrea.
“It looks like he’s eating a sandwich,” I reported.
“What kind of sandwich?” asked Ryan, who is really into sandwiches.
“Who cares what kind of sandwich he’s eating?” asked Alexia.
“It could be important,” said Ryan.
“It doesn’t matter what kind of a sandwich he’s eating,” said Michael.
“It does too.”
“It does not.”
We went back and forth like that for a while. As we were arguing, the door suddenly opened and Mr. Cooper came out.
“What are you kids doing here?” he asked. “Shouldn’t you be eating in the lunchroom?”
I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to do. I had to think fast.
“Aha!” I said. “We caught you!”
“Caught me doing what?” asked Mr. Cooper.
“We caught you eating a sandwich!” I said.
“Superheroes need to eat too,” said Mr. Cooper. “We need to keep up our superstrength.”
“Why don’t you eat in the teachers’ lounge?” asked Neil.
“Yeah,” said Alexia. “Why don’t you eat in the teachers’ lounge?”
“The door was locked,” Mr. Cooper told us. “Mr. Klutz didn’t give me a key yet.”
“Why don’t you use your superstrength to kick down the door to the teachers’ lounge?” asked Ryan.
“Yeah!” said Michael. “If you were a real superhero, you would kick down the door.”
Michael had a point. Besides, kicking down doors is cool. On cop shows, they never use the doorknob to open a door. They just kick it down. What’s up with that? When cops are at home with their families, do they kick down the doors whenever they enter a room? I tried to kick down a door once, but I hurt my foot.
“If I kicked down the door to the teachers’ lounge, we’d have to get a new door,” said Mr. Cooper.
Hmmm. He was right about that.
“Do you need a hug?” Andrea asked Mr. Cooper.
“I can always use a hug,” he replied. “Will you give me a superhug?”
We all gave Mr. Cooper a big group hug. But I still didn’t trust him. He always has some excuse for not using his superpowers. I was beginning to think that maybe Mr. Cooper wasn’t a superhero after all.
Maybe, for a change, Andrea was right.
The next morning Mr. Cooper came running into our classroom. He told us he was Lava Man, and he taught us all about volcanoes. Then he ran out of the room and came back as Weather Man. He taught us all about meteorology. Then he ran out of the room and came back as Electric Man. He taught us all about electricity. It’s fun to learn stuff from a superhero, whether he’s a real superhero or not.
At recess Mr. Cooper and Mrs. Roopy were the teachers on duty. We were all on the swings, minding our own business, when the weirdest thing in the history of the world happened.
“Look! Up in the sky!” yelled Andrea.
“It’s a bird!” yelled Emily.
“It’s a plane!” yelled Alexia.
“No, it’s a spaceship!”
yelled Ryan.
Ryan was right! It was a spaceship. In fact, it looked just like the Mr. Granites’ spaceship. And it was coming down right over the playground!
“The Mr. Granites are back!” shouted Michael.
“I’m scared,” said Emily, who is scared of everything.
“They’re going to take over the world and turn us into flesh-eating robots!” I shouted.
“They’re going to turn us into killer zombie robot slaves!” shouted Michael.
“Run for your lives!” shouted Neil the nude kid.
Everybody was freaking out. What could the Mr. Granites possibly want this time?
“If only there was a real superhero to save us!” said Andrea.
Andrea looked at Mr. Cooper. Ryan looked at Mr. Cooper. Michael looked at Mr. Cooper. Alexia looked at Mr. Cooper.
In case you were wondering, everybody was looking at Mr. Cooper.
“Leave it to me,” Mr. Cooper announced, taking a step forward. “I am . . . Cooper Man!”
Oh no, I thought. We’re done for.
Smoke poured out of the spaceship. Colored lights were flashing. There was a weird humming sound.
The spaceship touched down in the middle of the playground. All the smoke and lights and humming stopped. Then the ramp slid down from the bottom of the spaceship.
“Stand back, everyone,” said Mr. Cooper. “I’ll handle this.”
Mr. Cooper walked over to the end of the ramp.
The door to the spaceship opened.
We were all on pins and needles.
Well, not really. We were standing up. If we were on pins and needles, it would have hurt.
But you should have been there! Electricity was in the air.
Well, not exactly. If there was electricity in the air, all of us would have been electrocuted.
But it was really exciting!
Mr. Granite came out of the spaceship and down the ramp. Well, I think it was Mr. Granite. It could have been one of the other Mr. Granites. It could have been anybody from the planet Etinarg. They all look alike.
In any case, one of those creatures that looked just like Mr. Granite came down the ramp.
“Greetings, earthling,” said the Mr. Granite look-alike. “Who are you?”
“I am the new third-grade teacher at Ella Mentry School,” said Mr. Cooper. “Did you come back to destroy the earth?”
“No.”
“Did you come back to take over the world and turn us into flesh-eating robots?” asked Mr. Cooper.
“No.”
“Did you come to turn us into killer zombie robot slaves?” Mr. Cooper asked.
“No.”
“Then why did you come back to Earth?”
“When I left the other day,” said Mr. Granite, “I forgot to give back my key to the teachers’ lounge. When you borrow something, you should always return it.”
“Like library books!” yelled Mrs. Roopy.
Wow! Mr. Granite traveled a million hundred light-years just to bring back the key to the teachers’ lounge! That was weird.
Mr. Granite handed Mr. Cooper the key.
“Thank you,” said Mr. Cooper. “Now I don’t have to eat my lunch in the classroom anymore.”
Mr. Granite turned around and went back up the ramp into the spaceship. The door closed behind him. We all breathed a sigh of relief.
I felt like this called for a celebration.
“Mr. Cooper saved the earth!” I shouted, jumping up and down. “Hooray for Mr. Cooper! Hooray for Mr. Cooper! Hooray for Mr. Cooper!”
I figured everybody was going to jump up and down chanting “Hooray for Mr. Cooper!” with me.
I looked around. Nobody else was jumping up and down. Nobody else was chanting. Everybody was looking at me.
I hate when that happens. I stopped chanting.
Smoke poured out of the spaceship. Colored lights were flashing. There was a weird humming sound. Then the window of the spaceship opened.
“Good-bye again!” Mr. Granite yelled out to us.
“Good-bye, Mr. Granite!” we all yelled.
10 . . . 9 . . . 8 . . . 7 . . . 6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . .
The spaceship lifted off. It zoomed to the left. It zipped to the right. And then it was gone forever.
Well, that’s pretty much what happened. Maybe another spaceship will land in the playground someday. Maybe Mr. Granite will grow some hair out of his ears. Maybe cops will start using the doorknob instead of kicking down doors all the time. Maybe they’ll come up with some different names for the people who live on planet Etinarg. Maybe the aliens will come back and turn us into flesh-eating robots. Maybe Mr. Klutz will learn what a joke is. Maybe grown-ups will stop saying they’re stuck in traffic all the time. Maybe cows will stop bumping into spaceships. Maybe regular people will start wearing capes. Maybe aliens will stop peeling their faces off all the time. Maybe Mr. Cooper will use his heat vision to cook hot dogs with his eyes. Maybe a pink elephant wearing a tutu will come into our classroom and sing “John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt.” Maybe Wilbur the rat will come visit our class again. Maybe Mrs. Roopy will admit that she’s really Super Librarian. Maybe Andrea will stop complaining about violins. Maybe our real teacher will escape from the burning barn. Maybe I will give back Michael’s football. Maybe Mr. Cooper will stop running into doors, falling down, and being such a doofus.
But it won’t be easy!
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About the Author and Illustrator
Photo by Howard Wolf
DAN GUTMAN has written many weird books for kids. He lives in New Jersey (a very weird place) with his weird wife and two weird children. You can visit him on his weird website at www.dangutman.com.
JIM PAILLOT lives in Arizona (another weird place) with his weird wife and two weird children. Isn’t that weird? You can visit him on his weird website at www.jimpaillot.com.
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Credits
Cover art © 2015 by Jim Paillot
Copyright
MY WEIRDEST SCHOOL #1: MR. COOPER IS SUPER!. Text copyright © 2015 by Dan Gutman. Illustrations copyright © 2015 by Jim Paillot. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.
www.harpercollinschildrens.com
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Gutman, Dan.
Mr. Cooper is super! / Dan Gutman ; pictures by Jim Paillot.
pages cm — (My weirdest school ; 1)
Summary: “A.J. and the gang at Ella Mentry School are in for a super surprise when a new teacher, Mr. Cooper, takes over their third grade class”— Provided by publisher.
ISBN 978-0-06-228421-1 (pbk. bdg.) — ISBN 978-0-06-228422-8 (lib. bdg.)
EPub Edition © January 2015 ISBN 9780062284235
[1. Schools—Fiction. 2. Teachers—Fiction. 3. Extraterrestrial beings—Fiction. 4. Unidentified flying objects—Fiction. 5. Humorous stories.] I. Title.
PZ7.G9846Mp 2015
2014022681
[Fic]—dc23
CIP
AC
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15 16 17 18 19 OPM 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
FIRST EDITION
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*It turned out that the teachers were throwing teacups around.
*And it’s called Mr. Granite Is from Another Planet! Available at your local bookseller. Order yours today!
*Hey, how come this book is called Mr. Cooper Is Super! There hasn’t been anybody named Mr. Cooper in it. That’s weird.
*And so are you, I bet.
*If you’re going to corner something, it should be in a corner. That’s the first rule of cornering stuff.
*When you lose a fight, you have to say “uncle.” Nobody knows why.