I pictured it. This time without all the horrible backlash. “Okay. And then what?”
“And then you be Eloise Duncan,” Sloan said matter-of-factly. “You be you in every possible way you can be, because you’re amazing.”
Tears stung my eyes before I could stop them. Sloan came around in front of me, and she cupped my face in her hands. “I mean that, Elle. You don’t need us to tell you what to do, or what to say, because you don’t need to be us. Be our sweet, silly, and perfect Eloise.”
I hugged her. I hugged them both. I couldn’t lose this. Their friendship was everything I ever needed as a kid. Unconditional love that never wavered and always persisted in a way that built me up instead of tearing me down. Breathing suddenly felt a little easier. Screwing things up with Oliver wouldn’t be the end of the world. It would suck. But I would still have Sloan and Ava, and in the end, they were what I really needed most in my life. Oliver was a bonus. A wonderful, sexy bonus.
“I don’t know what I would do without you two.”
After giving myself a few more seconds to get myself together, I stood, allowing that confidence that liked to sneak out at the weirdest times to take control. If Sloan and Ava believed in me, I could at least believe in myself.
“I can do this.”
“Damn right,” Ava said, hugging me one last time.
I turned to face the door to the library. My fate waited for me, and I knew, deep down inside, that talking to Oliver was one small step toward what would be a lifetime of reclaiming the happiness stripped from me.
It was a necessary step. And I took it without looking back.
Chapter Eight
FULL ENCOUNTER
The library was abnormally loud. Senseless chitchat vibrated my ears as I took the tiniest of steps through the foyer toward Oliver. They were all talking about me. Surely, they were. My awkwardness set off alarms across the campus, signaling a traumatic, embarrassing event was about to take place and everyone should watch and laugh. I rubbed my palms on the black fabric at my hips. Oliver was in his spot. I knew because my brain sent off warning signals.
Abort. Do not proceed.
I took slow, deep breaths, reminding myself of the ease and calmness I’d experienced the previous day talking with Oliver. That could be duplicated. It didn’t technically have to end in tears and years of therapy sessions. Oliver looked around as soon as I passed the front desk as if he’d been waiting to see me there. His smile was instant. A random and completely weird mix of a giggle and a death wail squeezed past my lips. Thankfully, he was still too far away from me to hear, but the people around me definitely stared now.
To make matters worse, he stood. His hand flexed around the back of the chair as I nervously tucked a piece of my hair behind my ear and gave him an acknowledging wave. “Funny seeing you here,” he said before biting the corner of his lip.
“I know, right?” Why was my voicing cracking? “What are the odds?”
He stepped back so I could see the empty chair on the other side, and the clean table in front of it. Normally, his things took over the entire table, probably a ploy to make people not sit there. He’d intentionally not done that today and wanted me to notice. My hands clasped the strap of my backpack to hold me in place. “Thanks again for the offer.”
“Of course.” He motioned me to the seat, and I took it. “I finished all my homework this morning, so you have my full attention.”
Again, a quiet, yet horribly embarrassing noise escaped my mouth. It was the sound of my stomach hitting my heels.
His full attention. I would have his full attention.
“You didn’t have to do that because of me.”
“I offered to help. I want to help.” He pulled out a couple of books from his backpack on the floor. “And look. I found some really cool study aids for your class at the bookstore.”
I scratched my head, taking in his bright, vibrant smile and the books in his hands. “I’m sorry. Did you just say really cool and study aids in the same sentence?”
Oliver laughed. “Yes. And if you hang around me enough, you will unfortunately hear me use much worse blasphemy.”
Oh. Now I was intrigued. “Like what?”
He leaned in closer. “Like exciting experiment and chemistry fun.”
My cheesy grin was undeniable. “Do they sell bottles of whatever you’re taking that makes you think that stuff? Because I really need it.”
Oliver smiled and set the books on the table. “C’mon. You have to enjoy school a little bit, right? Why else go to college?”
I bit the inside of my jaw. That was the thing. I currently majored in business, despite my father’s wishes, only because I thought it would come in handy when I opened my own bakery. If it were up to me, which nothing in my life seemed to be, I probably would have skipped college altogether. Baking was my dream. I should have gone to culinary school.
The thought stung my brain. I hadn’t even mentioned the idea to my father. I tried bringing up the subject of alternatives to college once, and I spent three weekends at home confined to my room because, apparently, my “friends” were putting crazy ideas in my head.
“Yeah,” I said simply, because I had no other choice but to agree.
I took one of the books on the table and flipped through it. “Thanks for the aids. How much were they? I’ll pay you back.”
Oliver placed his hand on the book. “No. I wanted to buy them. Besides, anatomy is a general ed course. I’ll have to take it soon too. I’ll reuse them.”
I was taken aback by his kindness, but then I remembered the poster in my backpack. I grabbed the brown tube I stored it in and handed it to him. “What if I trade you?”
His fingers inched closer to mine. He almost touched them. He almost touched me. “Is that the X-Men poster for Dex?”
“Yes. It’s sealed up tight. You can ship it to him just like this.”
Oliver grinned, turning the tube over in his hands as if he could see the poster inside. “He is going to freak out. I can’t thank you enough.”
“Call us even.”
His lips were so close. And then suddenly they weren’t. He turned back around, placing the poster in his bag, then he opened one of the other books. “I took the liberty of filling out the first section of this study form you need based on the terms you practiced yesterday.”
I caught my breath. I hadn’t even realized I’d lost it. I nodded vigorously as I focused on the task at hand. This was a study session. Not an actual date. I settled into my seat, washing the vision of his lips out of my mind. The more I listened to Oliver explain the study aid he’d bought, the more my nerves seemed to settle down. He was actually a good tutor. He was detailed and always paused for questions and clarified when I needed it. If it weren’t for his devastating good looks and fantasy driven voice, it could have been a really smart idea to study with Oliver.
However, Oliver Edwards was devastatingly handsome. And his voice, the one where I honed in on the deep octaves instead of the actual words, made me imagine anatomy in a way that would not help me pass my class. I was so doomed. Hellaciously turned on, but definitely doomed.
“Okay,” he said finally, after a twenty-minute lecture I didn’t hear. “I want you to go through the guide yourself, and when you think you’re ready. I’ll test you.”
There was my stomach again, playing footsy with my toes. I cleared my throat of my shame. “Test me?”
“Yes.” Smile. Why did things such as a test make him smile like that? “Tests are very informative of your progress.”
I nodded. “Informative. Yes. That they are.”
I didn’t need another test to tell me I would fail.
Oliver’s fingers grazed my elbow and then…his thumb caressed its way across the hem of my sleeve. “Don’t stress. I have a proven method to help you focus.”
He had a proven method, all right, but it wasn’t to help me focus. I involuntarily crossed my legs under the table and clenched my
teeth. No sounds were coming out of my mouth. Not a single one. My eyebrows rose in order to inquire about his methods of continuous torture. He eagerly pulled out his phone and a set of earphones. “Music.” He handed the ears buds to me. “I have a study play list I listen to at home sometimes. It helps block out the world around me.”
I didn’t want to block out those blue eyes. Hell, if that was all it took, I could study at home. I wanted to see him…hear him…seduce him among the adventures I used to only dream about. Oliver handed me the earphones, and I put them in because he wanted me to. He started the first song, and it wasn’t anything I expected. I’m not sure what I expected—maybe a symphony orchestra? Bach or Mozart? Instead, I heard nothing but water. Waves, to be exact. Angry waves crashing against a shore. I could see them so perfectly. The white mist rising into the air, fighting back against the hard stone that blocked its path inland.
My shoulders instantly relaxed. Oliver, apparently pleased his tactic was already working, moved the book in front of me and pulled out another for himself. He started reading without saying anything else, and I took that as my cue to get to work. I wasn’t entirely focused on the book or my test, but I also wasn’t totally absentminded. I could feel Oliver’s presence next to me as I read. I no longer had to glance up every minute to make sure he was still there. I knew he was there, and it was comforting.
An hour and a half later, I pulled the ear phones out and handed Oliver back his phone. “I’m ready,” I said confidently, and I was indeed confident. Sitting there with Oliver was the most studying I’d done in months. Maybe this arrangement really could work out? You know, as long as the boy didn’t do anything crazy like kiss me. There would be no hope if he kissed me.
Oliver put his book away and pulled the study guide to him. “Okay. Let me find the diagram and go make a copy of it.”
My hand moved over into the seat as Oliver vacated it as if I was a magnet drawn to his sexy opposing force. I blew out a breath when he left and tried to regain my composure. This entire day was one giant mental drain. I straightened the bottom of my dress, patiently waiting for him to return. A girl two tables away stared at him as he passed by her, and it caught my attention. Jealousy seeped from every pore on her body. I almost laughed, but in my lifetime I’d gotten a lot of looks from people, but jealousy? That was new. It had everything to do with Oliver, but still new. I also liked it a lot more than I should have. A morally sound person would have felt sad at the thought of my glorious luck bringing someone else pain. I did not feel sad for the girl. In fact, it took effort for me to not stick my tongue out at her and laugh.
Oliver returned with my test, and with the girl’s unwavering glare still on me, I scooted my seat a fraction of an inch closer to him, claiming my territory. The girl got up and left.
Good idea on her part.
I took my test, and to my surprise, I did pretty well. Oliver turned the paper around and displayed it to me proudly. “See. Now you know what you need to work on before your class tomorrow.”
“Thanks,” I said, scanning the few terms I’d gotten mixed up. I’d never felt so confident about an upcoming quiz, and the relief allowed me to breathe in a way that was unconfined.
Oliver’s fingers grazed my shoulder before permanently planting themselves there. He squeezed it gently. “You’re going to do great tomorrow.”
My cheeks flushed, and heat prickled the back of my neck. I wasn’t accustomed to this kind of encouragement.
You are going to do great tomorrow as opposed to you better do great tomorrow.
I involuntarily glanced toward my backpack. Why couldn’t I stop worrying about my father’s approval? I wanted out from his under his thumb, and I’d always planned that going away to college would be my way out, but it didn’t feel that way now. The farther I ran, the more restricted I felt. As if his rules followed me here, a noose around my willpower that slowly tightened and tightened, until I finally wavered from my own dreams.
He would hate Oliver and everything about him. Bartholomew would demand I end contact with him the same way he demanded I cancel my prom date.
“Elle?”
I glanced up. Oliver’s hand remained on my shoulder. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah.” I wasn’t. I’d never been, but the lie almost felt like the truth.
The warmth of his hand fell from my shoulder as he glanced at his watch. “I need to get to class, but…”
I held my breath, waiting for him to continue. His gaze darted around as if not sure where to go.
“But…” I encouraged, my hands folding anxiously in my lap.
His smile was shy. “I’ll be here next week. In this spot like I always am.”
I swallowed, testing my voice first. “I’ll be here next week too. Like I always am.”
He fiddled awkwardly with the corner of one of his books. “Maybe I’ll see you.”
Why did he look so rattled all of a sudden? “I’m sure you will.”
He nodded affirmatively as if we’d made another study date, though technically we hadn’t. He started gathering up his things, and I did the same. I bent over to pick up my backpack, and when I stood, I found Oliver’s eye on me. All of me.
He instantly glanced away, but it was too late. He’d been caught. He bit his lip as he threw his backpack around his shoulders. “Those tights. I’ve never seen anything like that.”
I smiled sweetly at him. He hadn’t been looking at my tights. I wouldn’t embarrass him further, though, so I played along. My tights, black like my dress, were lace and made a rose pattern all the way down my legs to my boots. “I like to be different.”
“Nothing wrong with that.”
We stood behind our chairs, the time ticking down on the giant clock on the wall. He compared the time on it to his watch and sighed. “I really do have to go.”
“Me too,” I assured him. “I’ll see you next week.”
We parted ways, as in I went the opposite direction toward the bathroom, even though I didn’t technically need to go. I only wanted to make the departure less weird and drawn out. Once inside the safety of the first stall, I finally exhaled. I leaned back against the door and closed my eyes. Before I knew it, my hand covered my mouth to keep the excessive giggles from bursting out of it.
Oliver Edwards liked me.
At least…I thought so.
He demonstrated all the signs that would indicate a boy liked you. He definitely checked me out. I hadn’t realized how fast my heart beat until it finally started to slow down. Exhilarated couldn’t even come close to describing the euphoria that erupted inside of me.
Chapter Nine
THE QUIZ
The cafeteria was crowded. I sat quietly, snugged between Sloan and the wall of our booth, reviewing my list of terms one last time before class. Ava fiddled with her plate of pasta while glancing around the room, still pouting that Brad never came here.
“So, what’s the plan?” Sloan asked, turning in her seat to face me. “Are you two going to study together again?”
“Maybe.” I kept my eyes focused on the terms, trying to engrain the list into my head. “We sort of left it open.”
Ava put her fork down. “What do you mean?”
I rubbed my eyes; a deep-rooted thud pounded behind them. “I mean we said we would see each other next week. We didn’t set an exact day or time.”
Sloan eased closer. “But you will go talk to him again, right? If you see him there. No more pining away from across the room.”
I rolled my eyes. “You’re one to talk.”
“I’m serious, Eloise. It went well yesterday. You won’t try to talk yourself out of it again, will you?”
They knew me too well. I always tried to talk myself out everything that was good for me. Yet, the bad things. I had so much trouble letting them go. “Yes. I will talk to him.”
“Good.” Finally, Sloan seemed satisfied and went back to her burger. She bit off a giant mouthful then stared at me before swal
lowing. “Aren’t you going to eat dinner?”
I fiddled with the corner of the paper, folding and unfolding it. “I’m too nervous to eat.”
Sloan frowned at me. “Don’t let him do this to you.”
I looked away. “Sloan—”
“I’m serious. I hate seeing you like this, and for what reason? Because you’re scared to tell your dad you’re failing a class? Screw him.”
“He pays my tuition.”
“You can get loans like the rest of us. No, it’s not ideal, but it’s also not worth keeping him in your life. The money is an excuse, and you know it.”
I knew it. Of course I did. It didn’t change the fact that I still hadn’t told my father off. That I still hadn’t told him about my grades…about my dreams. Ava reached across the table and nudged Sloan’s elbow. “It’s not the time. She’s already upset. You’ll only make it worse.”
Sloan scooted into my side and hugged me. “I’m trying to make it better. You have a family. You don’t need him. We love you. We love you the way you’re supposed to love somebody.”
I hid my face in her hair so they couldn’t see the tears. I hugged her back. I knew all those things too. And I was so thankful for them. “Eat,” I said, going back to my paper. “I’ll grab something on my way from class once I pass this quiz.”
“Promise?”
“Yes. I just need to make sure I get these last ten terms correct before six o’clock.”
“Umm…Elle. It’s fifteen till six. Maybe you should go ahead and leave for class.”
“What?” I scrambled to grab my phone and check the time. Sloan was right. I only had fifteen minutes until my test started. “Crap.”
I threw everything into my bag as Sloan moved out of the way to let me out of the booth. “Call us with the results,” Ava yelled as I took off.
I gave them a wave and weaved my way through the crowd. I squeezed through a group of students and out the door, hopping down the long row of steps to the sidewalk. The chilly spring air bit at my face, but I didn’t take the time to pull up the hood of my coat. It wouldn’t help the sting on my legs anyway. I rounded the corner of the building, expecting to see the science building in the distance. Instead, there was an eclipse. It happened instantly. The building I’d seen a thousand times disappeared before my eyes, replaced by something so close to my face that it blurred together, turning everything black…until I slammed into it.
Confession Of A Nerdoholic Page 7