by Naomi Niles
“Dylan, don’t do this, please. My head hurts.”
“Seriously, I’m not trying to be an ass, Amber. Damn it, I have feelings, too. I shouldn’t have hit that guy, especially in a public place the way I did. I’m sorry I embarrassed you, and I’m sorry I hurt you, but you have to look at it from my point of view, Amber. I found you all cozy with him in that alcove… I saw red. You slept with this guy.”
I started to open my mouth and he continued, “I know, we weren’t technically together at the time, but that’s not the point I’m trying to make. I’m not accusing you of anything, but I know you, Amber. I’ve known you since you were fourteen years old. I’ve loved you since we were fifteen. You never cheated on me, you never slept with anyone else. I’d stake my very life on that. So, the fact that you slept with this guy tells me that he meant a lot to you and that thought makes me sick to my stomach. Amber, I never wanted to spend my life with anyone but you.”
“Don’t stand there and try to tell me that I’m the only woman you’ve ever been with Dylan because I’ll call you a liar to your face.” I know that two wrongs don’t make a right, but he hadn’t put me in a position to want to let him get away with anything tonight.
“I’m not.” Not only was he readily admitting to it, he didn’t look the least bit sorry about it. It’s my fault as much as it is his. I knew he was screwing around and for the longest time I just wished he’d fall in love with one of them and go away. “When I was using and drinking… Shit, Amber, you knew I was screwing around. But you are the only woman I ever wanted to end up with, even then. I’m not pointing a finger at you here. Like I said, you had the decency not to cheat on me while we were together, but you told me yourself that you were in love with him – and that kills me. It makes me physically hurt inside. And, I have to ask you this: why are you still with me? Why didn’t you just leave me while I was in rehab and be with him?”
It was a valid question. I didn’t quite know how to answer it without telling him it was because I felt guilty and obligated, so I said, “I don’t know how not to be with you.”
He laughed, but not happily. Maybe that was as bad as saying, obligated. “Wow…kick me in the stomach, why don’t you?” The hurt look on his face made me feel like shit. Once again, I was reminded that this man loves me and he has for a very long time.
“I’m not trying to hurt you, Dylan. You asked me to be honest. I do love you. I’m just not as in love with you as I used to be. It feels like we just keep growing further apart. I don’t want that any more than you do, but if we go on like we are, it won’t get any better. I haven’t stopped loving you, Dylan. I still love you like…” I was going to say “a best friend,” before he interrupted me and said,
“Like what Amber? Like a brother? A friend?” Obviously, not what he wanted to hear.
“I don’t know how to explain it.” I was tired and frustrated and pretty sure I’d forgive him like I always do and we’d move on. So, I said, “I love you enough to make this work. I love you enough to be your wife and have your children and do my damnedest to make a good life with you. I love you enough that I still have hope I will fall back in love with you…”
He kind of laughed again. I hated how sad his eyes looked. I honestly didn’t want to hurt him. Dylan has had his problems and those problems have led to some terrible behavior, but at the end of the day, I still believed that he was a good man. “So, where do we go from here?”
“We pick back up where we were before the whole restaurant fiasco?”
“Are you still in love with him?”
“No.”
“Honestly?”
“Honestly, Dylan. Until tonight, I had put him out of my mind completely.” That was mostly true. I’d forced myself not to think about him. I have no control over who I dream about.
“I love you, Amber. I don’t know what to do without you.” The tremor in his voice when he said it pierced my heart.
He opened his arms and like I always did at the end of the day, I folded into them. “I know. I’m not going anywhere, Dylan, okay?”
He nodded. I could feel his heart slamming into his chest and his arms trembling slightly. After a few minutes, he pulled back and said, “Take a year off, Amber.”
“What?” I was confused. “A year off of what?”
“Take a year off from the clinic. I’ll accept the job with the PRCA judging and we can just spend the next year on the road, just you and me, babe. We can get back to where we used to be. By the time we come home, Dad will have our house built and we can have our wedding and start thinking about starting our family. We need this, baby… Please, Amber, do this for me.”
“I’m not going to see Kyle, Dylan…”
“I know, baby. I know you won’t cheat on me. It’s not that, it’s not him. This is about you and me. We need this.”
“I don’t know if I can get a year off…”
“Then quit. You’re so smart, baby, you can get another job. Hell, you could work with the trainers if you want to work while we’re on the road. Please, do this for me.” I surprised myself, I was actually thinking about it. Maybe Dylan was right and this was exactly what we needed. Maybe being far away from Kyle where I wouldn’t bump into him at restaurants was exactly what I needed.
“Okay. I’ll talk to Dr. Bowen tomorrow.”
He held me back and looked at my face. He looked skeptical or shocked that I agreed. “Are you serious?”
“Yes, I wouldn’t play with your head about something like this. You may be right – this may be just what we need. We’re much too young to be in such a rut.”
He startled me then by grabbing me up in his arms and swinging me around. He squeezed me so tightly that I could hardly breathe. When he sat me down and I looked into his eyes, I saw that they were filled with a joy I hadn’t seen there for a very long time. When he was drinking and using drugs, they were dead. Afterwards, they just seemed lost. Tonight, he looked like that boy I fell in love with all those years ago.
He crushed his lips to mine and ran his hands all over my body while he devoured my mouth. He pulled back just a fraction of an inch and said, “Let’s go to the bedroom…we never finished our celebration tonight.”
“No,” I said, breathlessly and suddenly very ready for some kind of change. “Let’s do it right here.”
He looked at me like I was crazy. “In the kitchen?”
“Why not? We’re trying to put the spice back in this relationship, aren’t we?”
He grinned. “Okay, baby, you asked for it.” He took another step back and pulled off his sweater and then the t-shirt underneath it. He’d lost some of the weight he’d put on in rehab and since he’d stopped spending his days lying on the couch, he was beginning to get his muscle back. He reached for me again and started pawing at my dress. I laughed and pushed him back.
“You need to unzip it first. You’re like a bull in a china shop.” I turned around with my back facing him.
“Hold up your hair.” As soon as I lifted it up I felt his lips on the back of my neck. He worked the zipper down to my waist and pushed the dress down off my shoulders and onto my arms. As I was letting it slip off my arms, his hands were already slipping inside of my bra, cupping both of my breasts in his rough hands. He kneaded and massaged them, tweaking each nipple before releasing the catch on my bra. I let that fall off, too.
Then, I turned and faced him and his mouth began its exploration where his hands had been only moments ago. He worked one side over with his lips, tongue, and teeth before moving over to the other side and giving it the same treatment. My legs were shaking hard and my knees were about to buckle. He grabbed me by my waist and lifted me up onto the counter. He peeled my panties off and looked up into my eyes again. “You and me forever…right?”
My stubborn brain let an image of the way Kyle looked tonight slip in. I pushed it away and mentally kicked my own ass as I breathlessly said, “Right…you and me.”
Chapter Twenty-Five
>
KYLE
I sat in the center row of the large auditorium with Greg at my side and watched as Callie received her diploma. She was graduating from law school today and I knew how hard she’d worked to get here. I was proud of her and I loved her… I was a lucky guy.
Callie was beautiful and a little wildcat in bed. She had a good heart, loved her family, and wanted the same things out of life that I do. We both want that house in a nice neighborhood with two point five kids someday. I was getting better and better at my job, and bigger and more profitable jobs were coming my way. Callie’s going to be an attorney. She’s already looking at several internship offers. As of today, it’s been almost a year since the restaurant fiasco. I’d finally been able to move on after that. Amber had firmly made her choice. She wanted Dylan, not me, and I’ve never in my life begged a woman to want me. Of course, I’d never had to, but that was beside the point.
Callie eventually forgave me for that day and after about six months of dating, she moved in with me. Our life together is comfortable and although I knew in my heart that I’m not head over heels in love with her, I also knew that I love her in a different way. I thought that would be enough. Love is a strong emotion, even if it doesn’t provoke the kind of passion I feel when I think about Amber. I proposed to Callie on Christmas and she accepted. It’s May now and our wedding is scheduled to take place in August. The invitations have already gone out, the venue is paid for, the dress is bought, and the tux is ordered. We have an appointment next week to taste some cakes. Callie’s beside herself with excitement and Greg agreed to be my best man. In a perfect world, hell in any world, I should be walking around with a smile spread across my face twenty-four-seven. In reality, I had been. That was until my sister once again decided that she couldn’t keep her opinions to herself.
Callie and I went to Sarah and Michael’s for dinner last weekend. After dinner when Michael was showing my dad his new shed out back and Kimber had taken Callie to her playroom to show her a Barbie or something, Sarah cornered me in the kitchen and said,
“Kyle, I’ve been trying hard to mind my own business, but the wedding is getting close now…” I laughed. She’d never tried to mind her business in her life. She glared at me because she knew why I was laughing and went on, “I have to tell you how unfair I think you’re being to Callie…and to yourself.”
I wanted to roll my eyes, but I caught myself. I had no idea what she was talking about. “Unfair how?”
“Do you love her, Kyle?”
“Of course, I love her. Why do you think I want to marry her?”
“For security maybe?”
I sighed. Sometimes, my sister made me want to beat my head into the wall. “What are you getting at, Sarah?”
“You’re not crazy in love with her.”
“You don’t know everything.”
“I know my little brother. I see that you’re fond of her. She’s like your best friend and you’re comfortable with her.”
“And? What is wrong with that?”
“Nothing, but it’s not a reason to get married, either. Kyle, I don’t think you fully understand how hard marriage is. You’re going to fight. You’re going to butt heads over stupid things and important things. You’re both going to be tempted by others along the way-”
“What is your point, Sarah?”
“Baby, the only reason Michael and I stay together after we have one of our knock down drag out fights is because we are so madly in love that we absolutely cannot imagine life without each other. Marriage is wanting to kill each other, but not doing it because you can’t imagine life without the other person…a marriage that works, anyways.”
“So, it’s only okay to marry someone that you can’t imagine living without?”
“Yes! That’s the whole point of it. If you can live without them, then you should.”“I love Callie. We have a good, comfortable life. Why can’t you just be happy for me?”
“Because my heart will be breaking for you five years from now, or sooner, when you’re breaking up over some silly fight or infidelity.”
“Gee, Sis, thanks for the vote of confidence.”
“I have every confidence in you – but not in this marriage. You’re marrying Callie because she’s safe. You’re protecting your heart because in the end when it doesn’t work out, you won’t be completely devastated. But what happens if you have a kid or two when one of you decides this marriage never really should have happened in the first place? Then who gets hurt?”
“You missed your calling, Sis. You should have been a psychologist or a psychic since you seem to be able to tell my future.”
She rolled her eyes and said, “Let me put it to you another way: whatever happened to my daredevil little brother? What happened to the Kyle that was willing to take risks? Where is the guy who never did anything because it was comfortable? He did it because it was fun and exciting. Where did this ‘play it safe so nobody gets hurt,’ guy come from?”
“If I recall, when I was out taking risks, you were constantly lecturing me about growing up. Maybe that’s what I did…I grew up. I realized that maybe that all-consuming in love feeling burns out after a while anyways and maybe then you’re stuck with someone that you don’t even like. At least I like Callie…” Shit! That didn’t come out the way I meant it.
Sarah raised an eyebrow and said, “Growing up doesn’t mean settling, Kyle. You were a player and I hated that, but after you got sick, it’s like you were desperate suddenly to settle down and you took the first relationship you could get…a safe one.”
“Do you not like Callie? I thought you liked her.”
She looked annoyed with me, like she usually is, as she said, “I love Callie. She’s become a good friend to me…that’s part of all of this. She deserves a man who worships her, Kyle. She deserves a man who loves and cherishes her unlike he’s ever loved anything or anyone in his life. You’re not only doing yourself a disservice by settling, you’re doing her one as well – a big one.”
I had blown Sarah off that day, but for the rest of the week leading up to today, I couldn’t get her words out of my head. She was right that being sick had changed my priorities. It’s easy when you’re young and healthy to go through life thinking you have time for everything. Having a tumor growing inside of my head – twice – convinced me that sometimes you might not really know how much time you have left. I love the thrill of a crazy, wild passionate relationship, volatile at times even, but I also want a real family with a wife and mother and husband and father and kids. I’m nearly thirty years old and I have had brain surgery twice. What if I have to do it again and the next time, I don’t make it. I don’t want to die knowing I didn’t leave anything of myself behind, or that no one would mourn me. I want what my mother denied my sister, father, and I. Callie seemed like he perfect choice…until Sarah convinced me to think about how unfair that was.
I looked at her down on that stage and my heart felt like it was going to break. Sarah was right. Callie deserved so much more. I decided that I’d tell her tomorrow. Tonight, I would let her bask in her accomplishments that she’d worked so hard for…she deserved that, too.
*******
“I drank way too much champagne last night,” Callie rolled into me the morning after her graduation. I felt her warm body bump into me, and I pulled open my heavy eyelids to look down at her.
“Me, too… What’s your name again?” She giggled and poked me in the side.
“I can take the bar exam now! Yay!”
“Yay for you! I’m so proud of you. I’m not sure I got a chance to tell you that last night.”
“I’m sure you did and we were both too drunk on champagne to remember. Thank you for the flowers and dinner and everything. I love you.”
“You’re welcome. I love you, too.”
“I’m going to make us some breakfast,” she threw back the covers and I grabbed her around the waist and pulled her back down against me.
“Wa
it, don’t leave yet.”
“Oh, baby I love you, but we did that – a lot – last night…”
“There’s no limit…”
She giggled again. “But I’m hungry. How about after breakfast?”
I agreed to that. I didn’t want sex anyways… I mean, I always want sex, but that wasn’t what I was after at the moment. I’d considered just talking to her first thing before I had a chance to chicken out. I thought it might be easier lying in bed in each other’s arms – or at least, harder for her to reach something to hit me over the head with. I lay there and tried to think of how I should approach the subject. It’s a hell of a lot easier to break up with someone that you’re angry with than it is someone who has done nothing wrong.
I guess I must have fallen back to sleep because half an hour or so later when I woke up to Callie’s lips on mine…I’d been dreaming about Amber again. Amber was the reason that I didn’t flat out tell Sarah that she was crazy. I’ve done everything I could think of to get her out of my head, short of a lobotomy. She still sneaks in more often than she should and my body still feels like it’s on fire at the mere picture of her pretty face in my head.
“Breakfast is ready.”
“Okay, I’ll be right there.” I watched Callie leave the room again in nothing but an old t-shirt and sexy little pair of panties. She’s really hot. My morning wood strained after her as she went. When she was gone, I started to climb out of bed and once again, Amber’s face popped into my head. I closed my eyes for just a second to savor it…and I saw her body…and I could almost feel all that sexy hair in my face. My cock was really throbbing now.
“Kyle! Breakfast is getting cold.”
“Coming.” I threw back the sheet and reached for my sweat pants on the floor. As I was pulling them on, I thought about how many times since Callie and I had been together that I woke up just like this after a dream about Amber. I felt like a scumbag. I had to tell her. I went into the bathroom and talked my cock down before washing up and going out into the kitchen. Callie was at the table eating her omelet and thumbing through one of her bridal magazines. I took that as another sign. I sat down and took a sip of my coffee before I said,