by Naomi Niles
I was looking at Amber. She was two years older, but nothing else had really changed, and she was still drop-dead gorgeous. I had to remind myself to breathe as I watched the old cowboy dance her around the floor. I’d met a lot of beautiful women in my lifetime, but none of them provoked the kinds of feelings inside of me that she did. Even after all this time, all I wanted to do was touch her.
I looked over where she’d been standing before she went out to dance. There was a high top table there and an older lady with short blonde hair and one with long black hair were sitting there. She must be out with her friends, or maybe her sisters. I didn’t see her cowboy lurking around anywhere.
I told myself to stop watching her, but there were too many people between us for her to notice me staring. I just wanted a second to memorize her face again, just in case this was the last time I got to see her. Her soft brown hair fell in waves around her delicate face and her dark eyelashes were so long they actually touched the tops of her cheekbones when she blinked. Those green eyes were what really killed me though, they were like clear pools and when she traps you in them, it’s almost impossible to look away. My palms itched to trace those delicious curves of hers and my mouth watered at the memory of how she tasted…
“What are you doing?” Greg was next to me again. The sound of his voice startled me, and I jumped.
“Shit! You almost gave me a damned heart attack. Why are you sneaking up on people?”
He laughed. It’s so loud in here there was no way I would have heard him if he hadn’t walked right up on me. “What are you looking at?” his eyes scanned the dance floor. I saw the look on his face as soon as they fell on Amber. “Is that the hot therapist?” He didn’t wait for me to answer before he said, “Is that old guy her husband?”
“No…at least, it’s not the guy she was engaged to – Dylan.” I couldn’t help but curl my lip as I said his name.
“Good,” Greg said with a grin.
“Why is that so good?”
He shrugged. “I was just picturing that old man knocking you on your ass, that would have been embarrassing.”
I laughed. Sadly, the day Dylan knocked me on my ass, I had been still so weak from the radiation that the old man may not have had much trouble doing it himself. I wasn’t going to admit that to Greg. He thinks he’s so damned funny. “Fuck you.”
Laughing, too, he said, “Vince and the guys want to move down the street to the Beat Box.”
I looked back at Amber. I know the look on my face had to be longing because my chest was filled with it. Two years…how could I just walk away and not talk to her? “Right now?”
“Yeah, but I’ll tell them we’ll join them in an hour, how’s that?”
I smiled. Greg’s not the asshole he likes to pretend he is…at least, when he’s not sleeping with my girlfriend. “Great, thanks.”
Chapter Twenty-Eight
AMBER
“Don’t think that just because I’m dancing with you, it means I’ve forgiven you for showing up in town without my nephew.”
My brother-in-law Will laughed. Will is married to my oldest sister Patty and they’ve been married for fifteen years. For most of my life, Will has been a part of our family and as far as I can tell, he and my sister are still madly in love. He’s truly like an older brother to me now, too. “You’ll have to be mad at the teenager about that, not me, little missy. He’s the one who has such a busy schedule that he can’t find time to go visiting with Mom and Dad.”
“What is it that he blew off his favorite aunt for?”
“There was a rodeo dance this weekend and there’s some little filly he’s had his eye on all year. She’s a barrel racer and she was the rodeo queen last year…”
“The rodeo queen! Don’t they have to be sixteen?”
He shrugged. “What can I say? My boy likes them older women.”
“Does my sister know you’re encouraging her sweet little fourteen-year-old boy to go after a sixteen-year-old woman?”
He laughed. “I ain’t so sure he’s as “sweet” or as “little” as you and his mama would like him to be anymore. He’ll be fifteen next month.”
“He’s still a little boy,” I told him, indignantly. It’s hard to see my nephew as a teenager and my little Nona as already going into the fourth grade. I’m going to be a terribly over-protective mother…if I ever get that chance.
“He did ask us to tell you that he loves you and he’s proud of you.”
“That means a lot,” I said, honestly. I am so glad that my family is mostly all here to share what I am doing. I wish that Dylan’s family felt the same way. I invited them tonight and I didn’t even get a reply. Sometimes, I think they somehow blame me for what happened, but I can’t wrap my head around that. I can’t wrap my head around losing a child, either, so I have to give them a break, at least, in that respect.
The song ended, and Will kissed the top of my head and led me back over to the table where my sisters Patty and Rachel were sitting. Marlene and my cousin Belinda and her husband were supposed to be here anytime. They’d all been at the opening of my new non-profit rehab treatment center today and we’d gone out to dinner to celebrate. Afterwards, Will suggested that we go out. Marlene and Belinda had gone by Marlene’s house on the way to drop off Mom. She was going to stay with the kids. Daddy hadn’t been at the opening, but he’d called me earlier and told me how proud he was of me.
“My turn!” Patty said before Will sat down. She grabbed him and pulled him back out to the dance floor. Rachel and I watched them go.
“Do you ever think we’ll find a love that will last like that?” she said, dreamily. Poor Rachel has been married and divorced twice. She has never had kids and she has worse taste in men than me. Sometimes I look at Rachel and worry that the same destiny awaits me. Rachel realized what she’d just said and suddenly turned to me and with the sympathy on her face that I’d had to bear for almost a year now she said, “I’m sorry, honey.”
I smiled and reached for her hand. Squeezing it, I said, “Don’t apologize. You know that as much as I loved Dylan, our relationship was nothing like that. It was always volatile and as much as I hate to admit it, I kind of doubt that we would have ever made it that long.”
She squeezed my hand back. Rachel had disliked Dylan as much as the rest of my family, but they’d all been so supportive anyways. Dylan and I got married at the pond on the ranch before we’d gone off to travel the rodeo circuit just like I’d dreamt we would since I was a kid. My family had all been there for the wedding and again for the sendoff.
I had wished they were with me that day more than once. I had to sit alone and watch as my husband was trampled and gored to death – but Dylan had made that decision on his own against my wishes and they had rushed to me right afterwards. The only thing I could do now about any of it is to either hold that against him and be miserable about something I can’t change, or try and make his life count for something. I pictured him that day again and I shuddered as the horrible memories flooded my consciousness.
“I’m sorry, honey. I shouldn’t have brought it up,” Rachel said.
I smiled again. It was the only way I could keep from crying when I thought about it. “I don’t mind people bringing him up. He had a lot of issues, but he had a lot of good in him, too, and he doesn’t deserve to be forgotten. That’s what this whole night has been about…remembering him.”
“Excuse me?” The sound of a deep male voice interrupted us. We both looked up and there was a really nice looking cowboy about Rachel’s age standing next to the table. “I was just wondering if you might like to dance?” He was looking at Rachel with a pair of sexy blue eyes and I watched my forty-year-old sister blush like a schoolgirl.
“I’d love to,” she said. She looked at me as if to say, “Score!” I tried not to laugh as I watched them go, smiling after her. Another song was starting and Patty and Will stayed on the dance floor. I picked up my drink and realized I needed a new one. I st
arted to turn around and flag the waitress when I realized she was right there already with a fresh drink in her hand.
“I was just going to ask you for one of those. You must be psychic.”
She laughed. She actually looked dead on her feet. “I wish,” she said. “I’d be winning the lottery, instead of working here and having every dirty old cowboy’s hands in the county on my ass all day.” She sat the drink down and said, “But I can’t take credit for this. It’s from the gentleman over in the corner.”
“Oh, I really don’t want someone to buy me a drink…” I really wasn’t in the mood to get hit on tonight and have to shoot some poor guy down.
“He’s really cute and polite. He said to tell you it’s an apology drink.”
I laughed nervously. I wanted to turn around and see who this guy was that thought he owed me an apology. He must have me mixed up with someone else. “I think he might have the wrong woman…”
She smiled. “He seemed really sure. He said he’d like me to come back and tell him if you accept his apology. He says his name is Kyle, and he is very sorry for the spectacle he made of himself the last time he saw you.”
Suddenly, my senses were all on high alert and I felt like my heart actually stopped beating for a few seconds. I turned around slowly and when my eyes landed on his hazel ones, he smiled and lifted his glass. I was like hot, liquid adrenaline had been infused into my bloodstream. My whole being began to tingle. For an entire year after that day in the restaurant, I put everything I had into being Dylan’s wife – and I had been happy, for the most part, until the end. I spent the second year mourning Dylan’s death and wishing that he’d had an easier life. Throughout it all, I had never stopped dreaming about Kyle and that feeling of something huge pressing down on me each time I pictured his face never went away. I have no idea what this was, but even after all this time, it consumed me.
With a shaky hand I picked up my own glass and raised it in his direction. He smiled and anything left solid inside of me melted. I’d just come from dedicating my new clinic in my dead husband’s name and I couldn’t help but question the appropriateness of my feelings. I’d been in therapy since Dylan died and my therapist kept telling me that I spend too much time questioning my feelings. You can change how you react to things, but not how you feel about them.
My heart loves Kyle. No amount of pretending otherwise would change that, apparently.
*******
“Oh, look, she got a fresh drink and didn’t order one for us,” Patty told Will when they got back. Rachel was back, too, with her new cowboy friend, and it was obvious that she was smitten with him. Before I could say anything, I heard Marlene’s voice.
“Amber, isn’t that Kyle over there?”
“Who’s Kyle?” Belinda asked.
“That’s him?” Rachel said, looking in the direction that my not so subtle sister Marlene had pointed in. “He’s hot, Amber.”
“Who is Kyle?” Belinda asked again.
“Does he walk now?” Patty asked.
“Yes, he’s been walking for a long time,” Marlene answered her.
“Who is Kyle?” Belinda said, a little louder. Both of my brothers-in-law and the cowboy looked amused. I wanted to crawl underneath the table and hide.
“He was one of Amber’s patients a couple of years ago… Do you remember when she was staying with me for a while and she and Dylan got in that car accident?”
“Yeah.”
“She was seeing Kyle then-”
“Okay! That’s enough about my personal life. Let’s find a bigger table and get everyone a fresh drink,” I tried.
“So what happened? He is really cute!” Belinda said. Her husband cleared his throat. “Oh hush Lyle. I’ve been married to you for thirteen years. If I haven’t run off with a hot cowboy by now it’s not going to happen.”
“She went back to Dylan.” Marlene said.
“She is sitting right here!” I interjected. “Please stop talking about me like I’m not in the room. Everyone listen up because I’m only saying this once, okay? Kyle was a patient; we dated for a minute while Dylan and I were having problems. I haven’t seen him in two years and the last time I did see him, he was in a relationship. I’m not ready to start over anyways, so all of you big sisters can forget whatever it is you’re thinking. Now, let’s find a table and get another drink.” I downed the one that Kyle bought me. My sisters were looking at each other and my brothers-in-law were staring at the floor. Everyone picked up their things and followed me to an empty table closer to the dance floor.
Once we all sat down Rachel said, “This is Mark, guys.” We all said hello to Mark and then she said, “Why don’t you just go talk to him. He looks like he’s alone.”
I narrowed my eyes at her. “I thought we were dropping the whole Kyle subject.”
“Oh, that’s not what I heard,” she said. She looked at our other sisters. “Is that what you heard?” They all shook their heads. I decided talking to Kyle would have to be less painful than this.
“I’ll be right back,” I said. “And, none of you better think I’m doing this because you told me to.”
Marlene laughed. “Why would we think that? Since when have you ever done anything that anyone told you to?” I rolled my eyes at her and walked towards Kyle. I had to turn sideways in some places to get through all the people. His warm hazel eyes never left my face. He stood up when I was about two feet away.
“Hi, Amber.”
“Hey, Kyle. Fancy meeting you here…” That might go down in history as the stupidest thing I’ve ever said. Kyle looked amused.
“How are you?”
I nodded. I was not exactly good, but I was getting better. Kyle didn’t need to hear my depressing story tonight, however, so I said, “I’m good. How are you?”
“Good. Still healthy. Do you want to sit down for a minute?”
“Sure, thanks. Are you here alone?”
“With Greg, but you know how that goes… I haven’t seen him since we walked in. He’s spreading the love.”
“Of course, he is.”
“What about you? Who are you here with?”
“My sisters and their husbands.”
His eyes went to the wedding ring on my left hand that I still wear and he said, “And your husband? Where is he?”
“Dylan passed away a year ago.”
Chapter Twenty-Nine
KYLE
As soon as what she just said penetrated my head, regret washed over me in long, slow waves. Each wave sent a shiver down my spine and I longed to be able to go back in time and change things that I had said and done and even things that I’d thought…right up until the very second she said that he was dead.
Dylan was a young man. He was even younger than me. So many times I had wished horrible things… I wished that he would spiral out of control with his addictions again. I wished that he would cheat on Amber and she would catch him. I wished that he would just up and abandon her the way my mother had us and then I could swoop in and pick up the pieces. Now that I knew he was really gone, all I felt was this nagging regret that he’d had to spend some of his last days here on earth knowing another man was in love with his wife.
“Jesus, Amber…I’m so sorry.”
She smiled, but it looked sad. “Thank you. They say it gets easier with time, but sometimes I think time only allows you the ability to remember how many opportunities you had to make someone’s life better…and you didn’t do it.”
“Amber, I probably have no right at all to speak to this, but I can’t imagine that being married to you in the last days of his life didn’t make it better.”
She smiled again. “That’s sweet, thank you. So what have you been up to?” I could tell she wanted to change the subject and I was okay with that. I had a lot of questions about Dylan and how he died, but none of it was my business. I would be the last person he would want her talking to…much less, about him.
“I’ve been working on a
hotel project with an architect and contractor from Italy. They’re bringing their luxury hotels to the U.S. and actually building the first one here in Dallas. We break ground on it next week. It’s kept me really busy for the past six months or so, but it’s been such a great learning experience, not to mention that having international connections never hurt anyone, either.”
“Wow, that’s fantastic. I’d love to see some of your designs sometime.”
“Really? Or are you just being nice?”
She laughed. “Really. I actually bought a building downtown this past year. I don’t have the money yet, but when I get enough, there are a lot of changes I’d like to make to it. It would be fun to see what you’ve done with other buildings and get some ideas.”
“Well then, I’d love to show them to you. What did you buy a building for?”
“I opened a clinic-”
“Wow, that’s great! You opened your own physical therapy clinic?”
“No, I actually still work a couple of days a week at Dr. Bowen’s clinic. Joyce took over the full-time spot. I used the money Dylan’s life insurance paid out to open a clinic in his name for alcohol and drug dependence. I’m obviously not running it. I hired people who are trained to do that, but I plan on going back to school and getting an education on it myself.”
“That’s really amazing, Amber. Since I didn’t know Dylan I won’t speak for him, but I know if it was me, I’d be so proud of you.”
She kind of laughed and said, “Thanks. I like to think he’d be happy with how I spent the money.” Laughing again, she said, “But, the truth is if he were here he’d say, ‘Are you crazy? Take that money and go lay on a beach somewhere with a beer in your hand.’” Her pretty green eyes got watery when she talked about him and my heart hurt for her – and him, too.
I smiled and said, “You have a good heart and a lot of people are going to be better off because of it. Me, on the other hand… I spent the bonus I got on this big job on a car and a motorcycle.”