by Naomi Niles
“Erm, I don’t know, Mom. Don’t you think that you should ask Rhett first?” I needed an excuse, and I needed one quickly. If I could get her to ask Rhett first, and have him refuse, then he could be the bad guy–not me.
“I’ve already asked him,” she replied happily, pulling out the trump card. “He’s really up for it. He thinks it’s a great idea.”
“He does?” I gasped before catching myself. I couldn’t be so obviously surprised without asking any questions. “I mean, oh right, okay… That sounds great.” I couldn’t see any way in which I could refuse if Rhett had already agreed. Plus, I was really intrigued to see what he was up to this time. I knew I could get off this Rhett and Danica rollercoaster at that moment, that it was actually the perfect time, but I found that I didn’t really want to.
“Great!” Mom stood up with a massive smile on her face. “Well, let’s go in the morning, shall we?”
“Yeah, sure…” I felt numb and a little cold, shocked that I’d just managed to be talked into something that truly sounded dreadful. “Sounds great. I’ll see you in the morning.”
As Mom kissed my head and walked from the room, my brain scattered all over the place. I lay back onto my sheets, deep in thought, only this time there were no tears.
Now I was trying to figure out Rhett’s plan, to see what might happen next, but I couldn’t second guess anything. Was he playing a game that I didn’t realize? Was he always two steps ahead of me? Or was he really just a mess because of his dad?
And if his dad was the dickhead I was starting to suspect that he might be, what did that mean for my mom and their future?
Chapter Twenty-Four
Rhett
I was awake for most of the night, just thinking everything over. This was a real mess, and I needed to do something to solve it before we went out to the city, as a crazy, messed up family. I couldn’t spend an awkward day with Danica and Lyla; it just wouldn’t work. It was arise too much suspicion, and the last thing we needed was our parents digging around in our business.
So by the time the sun started to shine through my bedroom window, I decided that I needed to abandon my plan to avoid Danica until I went home. I was going to have to face her alone before we even saw Lyla. If we could come to some sort of agreement before then, I was certain the day would be bearable.
It had to be a good sign that Danica had agreed to spend the day with me anyway, surely? That had to mean that she didn’t totally hate me. It suggested that we could certainly come to some sort of truce anyway. I hoped, at least…
I shoved some clothes on quickly, not even looking at what I was wearing, then I ran my fingers through my hair, trying to sort out my messy mop–even though it was a hopeless cause.
Come on, Rhett, I thought to myself. You can do this. You can sort this out.
But as I looked at my stressed out reflection, I could tell that I wasn’t doing a very good job of convincing myself. The tension was evident in my eyes, and my shoulders. My body was normally as relaxed as my personality, but as soon as I arrived at my dad’s house, it started building more and more.
I was like a coiled spring that could burst at any time.
But I didn’t want that to stop me, so I shook all the negativity from my mind and I turned to head down the stairs, down to the room that I seemed to spend all of my time in front of. As I knocked on Danica’s door, I hopped nervously from foot to foot hoping that this wouldn’t lead to another row. I wanted this to be a civilized, sensible chat; I didn’t want any of this to make it worse. I just didn’t have it in me to argue anymore.
“Coming,” she called out–obviously thinking that it was her mom calling her to get going. I needed to make it clear that it wasn’t, just in case she didn’t want to let me in.
“It’s me,” I practically whispered, not wanting to draw any attention to us. “I just wanted to speak to you before we left.”
After a brief pause, during which time I thought she might actually be ignoring me, the door swung open. There was a hard expression on her face that suggested I might not be quite so forgiven after all, but she was letting me in–and I decided to take that as a positive. Her arms folded across her chest, and she shook her hair out angrily, but she still didn’t send me away. I couldn’t help the way my heart fluttered as I looked at her, before I rapidly pulled myself together, remembering what I was here for. I couldn’t be thinking about my feelings when we had so much to sort out.
“Can I come in?” I asked anxiously. She stepped to one side, allowing me to enter, but there was a definite atmosphere still hanging in the air. “I just wanted to apologize for yesterday. I’m sorry for being such an idiot–I hope we can move past my stupidity.” She didn’t say anything; her face didn’t even stir, so I quickly felt the need to continue. “I’m just a bit… I feel a bit of a mess.”
It was only then her face began to melt a little. I watched her arms swing down by her sides and a small bit of warmth emanate from her. “Yeah, I guess this is a bit weird for all of us.”
“I don’t mean to be so up and down; I just don’t know where my head is at.” This felt like the right moment to finally be honest. There was no point in trying to hide anything anymore.
“I know what you mean.” She nodded sharply. “It is hard work knowing what’s best. Heart or head.” She smiled, and I grinned back, but deep down, I felt my emotions swirling everywhere. What did she mean by heart? Did she really feel as deeply as I did?
Not that it mattered, of course…
“And of course, I’m happy that you’re finally ready to admit that you’ve been an idiot,” she teased, shooting me that smile that I loved so much. “That makes things much easier.”
“Yeah, yeah.” We both laughed, and the tension seemed to flow from the room.
“Look,” she suddenly went serious once more, which had my heart racing. “I’m here if you ever need to talk, you know? Like if things are ever… I don’t know, weird with your dad, or whatever.” Her face flamed bright red, which made me feel incredibly uneasy. What did she know? What wasn’t she telling me?
“Erm…okay?” I replied awkwardly. “Things are the same as always with him. They’ve never been great.” That much was obvious–anyone could have seen it, so there was no point in pretending otherwise.
“Have you never got along?” she enquired cautiously, as if she wasn’t quite sure if this was a dangerous path or not. “Has it always been bad?”
“Yeah,” I sighed sadly. “Pretty bad. I guess it’s just been sucky because he’s never been around, and then when he has, he’s been very selfish.” As I saw the horror-stricken look cross her face, I found myself inexplicably backtracking rapidly. “I’m sure he isn’t like that now, though,” I insisted, unsure as to why I was protecting him. “He seems to really love your mom. She must have changed him.”
“Fingers crossed,” she joked.
Suddenly, we made intense eye contact, and I felt so many emotions flowing between us. The unsaid things were blatant, but neither of us could vocalize and accept them. It was awful having to keep everything locked inside, but in that moment, it felt like we wouldn’t survive it any other way.
“Right.” She finally moved away from me. “Let’s get going before Mom comes up to get us. I don’t really fancy that conversation today.”
As I walked down the stairs behind Danica, I felt really pleased with my decision for us to have this conversation before we left. It made things so much easier to deal with, and I had to take that as a win.
It seemed like I had finally done something right…
***
Now that Danica and I had made up, the day in the city wasn’t uncomfortable at all. In fact, it was quickly turning out to be amazing–the best day I’d had since arriving at my father’s. Excluding the first half of the day in Delaware, anyway; although of course it was my fault that all went so wrong.
Lyla really was lovely, and I would be glad to have her as a stepmom, if it were
n’t for the fact that I hated my dad so much. She was far too good for him, and I wished that she could see that. Not that I could say anything on that subject matter, without sounding like a bitter and twisted child…
What made her even better was the fact that she seemed to pay no attention to all the bad stuff dad had obviously said to her, and she was willing to make her own judgments on me. I respected that massively. She even respected the difficulty of our relationship so much that she didn’t even bring him up. It was like having a nice break from him and everything that he represented in my life.
There was another unexpected thing happening to me…or maybe it wasn’t so unexpected. Maybe it was completely expected, I wasn’t sure by this point. My feelings for Danica were rising back to the surface, and I was starting to think that maybe I shouldn’t have called things off after all. I hated being so fickle and indecisive, but every single time I thought I made a solid choice, something would happen and my mind would change again.
I felt the flirtatious atmosphere discretely arise between me and Danica increasingly during the day. We weren’t being blatant about it because we were with Lyla, but there were definitely long lingering looks and the odd wink there, and I couldn’t help but really enjoy having our secret back.
It was sending me insane that I found myself back in this position, but I couldn’t seem to help myself. There was something so intense between me and Danica, and I just didn’t quite feel ready to turn my back on it.
However, I knew for a fact that if I did decide to go back there, then it would have to be final. I couldn’t mess around anymore. I couldn’t keep going up and down, back and forth. I needed to make a final choice, and stick by that no matter what.
It was only that which made me want to stay away. I was terrified of making the leap head first into something so scary, something so potentially dangerous. I was scared of making that final choice and having to face the consequences of that.
But at the same time, I wasn’t sure that I could resist.
All of the reasons for us trying to make it work came bubbling up to the surface once more, and they were becoming louder and more insistent. We wanted to be together, we needed one another, and we were great together. It was only external circumstances that were keeping us apart, and that just didn’t feel fair.
How the hell was I back here? Questioning my decisions all over again. Still in the same mess! I was supposed to be an adult now, making smart choices, but whenever I found myself looking into those deep blue eyes, everything else fell away. I became a wreck that couldn’t seem to do anything right!
“So are you looking forward to Grange?” Lyla asked me over lunch as I watched Danica grin that beautiful smile at me. “It’ll be nice when you’re there–you can come and visit us whenever you like.”
“I’d like that,” I replied, not thinking at all about my dad. He was the last face that I wanted to see ever again, but none of this was about him. I would see Lyla, and I hoped that I would see Danica, too. Sure, she would be at college, but family get together events were bound to occur.
Oh God, was this going to be a lifelong problem? Danica and I playing this game where neither of us knew where we stood? How long could we do that for before we both went insane? Would we be sat across the family dinner table in ten years’ time, still secretly dating, then splitting up, and then dating again?
No, we couldn’t. I needed to make a choice once and for all, and I needed to stick to it. I wanted us to be in a position where neither of us could get hurt, and for that to happen we needed to establish solid boundaries.
Using Danica’s words, did I follow my heart or did I listen to my head? Did I do what I wanted to do, or what I knew was smart?
As she and Lyla talked about what life was going to be like after the wedding, I sunk back into my silent dilemma once more, wishing over and over again that the right answer would just reveal itself to me, saving me all of this constant inner turmoil.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Danica
I slowly unpacked the few items of shopping that I purchased whilst in the city, not really concentrating on what I was doing. My mind was elsewhere. There had definitely been something going on between me and Rhett today–there was no denying that–but I didn’t know what it meant. I also wasn’t sure how much longer Rhett and I could continue going along this crazy up and down ride, neither of us making a solid decision.
Well, we certainly couldn’t do it forever. Soon it was going to become obvious that I was pregnant and I needed to make a decision about what I was going to do with that yet.
Did I tell him that he was the dad, or was I going to act like I’d been sleeping with someone else at the same time? Would I even get away with that anymore, or was he going to demand a DNA test, making this whole thing even more dramatic than it already was?
I wished that I didn’t like him so much–then it wouldn’t matter. I could just make the smart decision to avoid him and go from there. But we were like magnets that couldn’t seem to keep away from one another. It was driving me crazy.
“Danica?” Almost as if I’d conjured him up, he turned up at my bedroom door once more, with a strange, unreadable expression plastered across his face. “Can I come in?”
My heart raced at the mere sight of him, and I felt my legs turn to jelly. Emotions swam crazily all over my body as he stepped nearer to me, allowing me to feel some of his warmth once more. There it was, that searing chemistry all over again. I started to run my hands through my hair nervously, wondering if he was here to tell me to get lost all over again.
What the hell was I going to say if he did? How would I take rejection again? I honestly didn’t know if I could. On the one hand, that would kill me. It would absolutely crush me to know that he didn’t want me anymore, and that there was no hope for us. But on the other hand, it would be good to know, either way. It would mean that I could start the much needed healing process.
“Are you okay?” I asked nervously, the tension becoming too much for me. I wanted him to just get it over, and say whatever the hell he wanted to say.
“Yeah…yeah,” he gasped, as if he was a little breathless. This was getting weirder by the moment.
Then, all of a sudden, we were kissing. I didn’t even know who made the first move, just that one minute we were stood near one another, awkwardly talking, and the next our lips had crashed together and his hands were all over my body. That magnetism had drawn us in once more, and this time, I wasn’t sure it would ever let us go.
It looked like our decision was finally made–I just hoped that we could stick to it. It was the choice that my heart craved like crazy, but the one my head knew was going to cause endless trouble. Not that it mattered, now that he was back here in my arms there was no way I could throw him off now. He just felt so good up against me. It felt right, like we were meant to be.
“What’s going on?” I finally panted against his lips, just trying to take a little bit of stock for a second. “What does this mean?”
Even in my haze of lust, I knew that I needed to figure that much out. I couldn’t keep going back and forth without discussing it anymore–we needed to be so much better at our communication. I wanted us both to be certain before we went any further.
“I want you,” he replied, rubbing his hands up and down my back. “I like you so much. I feel too much for you to just throw this away.”
That sentiment matched my feelings exactly–I just hoped that he really meant it. I prayed that we weren’t just about to go through all of this over again.
“But what about-”
“I know,” he jumped in quickly before I could reel off all the reasons why we shouldn’t be together. “But I don’t care anymore. I can’t keep away from you, and I think you feel the same.” I placed a kiss on his lips to prove that I did. “And I don’t care what anyone says about us. Especially not my dad.”
I felt overwhelmingly happy at his words. Was he really willing t
o fight for me against the rest of the world? That had to mean a lot. As we kissed some more, and his tongue snuck its way passed my lips, and I couldn’t help but groan a little in pleasure. No one had ever made me feel this way, and it was addictive. If he felt the same way about me then there was no way the rest of the world could tear us apart. We would be too strong.
“Really? But what about…” I couldn’t seem to stop myself. Luckily, Rhett was determined not to let me ruin this moment.
“I like you, that’s all there is to it.” He finally took a step back, which made me miss him like crazy, but at the same time it allowed me to think a little more clearly. “The only thing I think is that we should keep us a secret for now–just while we figure it out.”
I nodded, totally agreeing with him. Keeping another secret wasn’t exactly going to be a challenge for me, anyway. Not one single person suspected about our baby, and I’d been throwing up like crazy. Luckily, everyone in this home was too self-involved to pay any attention to me–especially at the moment.
“Are you sure?” he asked me, rubbing my arm. “I don’t want to be awful about this, I know that sounds a bit…”
“No, no, not at all.” I insisted. “I totally agree. It’s the best way to see where we are before people get in our way.” I smiled at him, allowing him to see that I was serious. “Our situation isn’t normal, so we need to be really careful before we go public.”
We both knew that we were going to cause a lot of trouble if people found out about us, but neither of us vocalized that. Instead, we returned to kissing–the one place we were both happy, where we felt safe.
After a while, I realized that I wanted him to stay in my bed with me. I couldn’t do anything physical with him under our parents’ roof–I was nowhere near ready for that–I just wanted his arms around me throughout the night. I needed him to be close to me, to ensure that our bond survived the night.